GIFT  OF 


f     1 

V   ,     «J  , 


MACPHERSON, 


THE  GREAT 


CONFEDERATE  PHILOSOPHER 


AND 


SOUTHERN    BLOWER 


A    RECORD 

OF 

HIS    PHILOSOPHY,  HIS    CAREER    AS   A  WARRIOR,  TRAVELLER, 

CLERGYMAN,  POET,  AND  NEWSPAPER  PUBLISHER,  HIS 

DEATH,  RESUSCITATION,  AND  SUBSEQUENT 

ELECTION  TO  THE  OFFICE  OF 

GOVERNOR    OF    LOUISIANA. 


BY 

ALFRED  C.  HILLS, 

EDITOR    OF    THE    NEW-    ORLEANS    ERA. 


NEW    YORK: 
PUBLISHED    BY    JAMES    MILLER, 

(SUCCESSOR  TO   c.   s.   FRANCIS   &   co.,) 
522    BROADWAY. 

MDCCCLXIV. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1S64, 
BY  JAMES  MILLER, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for 
the  Southern  District  of  New  York. 


TO 

MAJOR-GENERAL  NATHANIEL  P.  BANKS, 

COMMANDEK     OF     THE     DEPARTMENT     OF     THE     GULF, 
THE    SOLDIER  AND    STATESMAN, 

WHO,  BY  HIS  OWN  LABOR  AND  GENIUS,  RAISED    HIMSELF  FROM  THE 
OBSCURE  AND  HUMBLE  WALKS  OF  LIFE,  TO  ADORN  SOME  OF  THE 
MOST   HONORABLE  CIVDL  AND  MILITARY  POSITIONS  ;  AND 
WHO,    GUIDED    BY     THE    SAME    SPIRIT    OF    UNSUR 
PASSED  PERSEVERANCE,  PLANTED  THE  FLAG 
OF     HIS    COUNTRY    ON    PORT     HUDSON, 

BORE    IT    IN    TRIUMPH    THROUGH 
WESTERN  LOUISIANA,  AND  UP  THE  RIO  GRANDE, 

2TI)fs  17  o  I  urn  t, 

BY  PERMISSION,   IS  INSCRIBED, 

BY   HIS 

SINCERE    ADMIRER    AND    GRATEFUL    FRIEND, 

THE    AUTHOR. 


2^5821 


PREFACE. 


THE  "Macpherson  Letters"  were  published  in  the 
New  Orleans  ERA  during  the  past  year.  .  Their  unex 
pected,  and,  perhaps,  undeserved  popularity  in  the 
Southwest,  and  a  very  general  desire  on  the  part  of  the 
author's  friends  to  see  them  in  a  book,  are  his  reasons 
for  publishing  them.  His  observations  in  New  Or 
leans  led  him  to  believe  that  ridicule  was  the  most  po 
tent  weapon  that  could  be  employed  against  the  absurd 
opinions  and  prejudices  of  that  portion  of  the  people  of 
the  Southwest  who  sympathised  with  the  rebellion. 
He  had,  at  least,  the  gratification  of  knowing  that  they 
were  very  generally  read,  not  only  in  the  army  and 
navy,  but  by  the  people,  many  of  whom  believed,  for 
some  time,  that  "  Macpherson"  was  an  actual  citizen  of 
Madisonville,  and  a  genuine  correspondent  of  the  ERA. 

The  blind  prejudices,  the  profound  political  igno 
rance,  the  strong  passions  and  boundless  credulity  of 
the  rebels  in  New  Orleans,  must  appear  incredible  to 
those  who  have  always  lived  in  a  free  community, 


6  PREFACE. 

V  V  -  >        I  ,.    1 

where  freedom  of  speech  is  tolerated,  and  where  uni 
versal  education  renders  every  one  more  or  less  familiar 
with  passing  events  and  the  topics  of  the  times.  But 
those  who  have  freely  mingled  with  that  class  of  Loui- 
sianians  who  still  cling  to  the  faith  of  Jeff.  Davis,  will 
not  be  surprised  to  learn  that  Macpherson's  philosophy 
was  so  much  in  accordance  with  theirs,  and  that  his 
exaggerated  style  of  speech  was  so  faithful  a  copy  of 
secession  bombast,  that  the  "  great  Confederate  Philos 
opher"  was,  for  some  weeks,  quite  a  favorite  with  the 
hot-headed  rebels  of  the  Crescent  City. 

Many  of  the  incidents  which  the  author  attempted 
to  ridicule  in  these  "  Letters,"  were  too  local  in  their 
character  to  be  understood  by  a  reader  not  familiar 
with  the  facts.  So  far  as  practicable,  these  parts  have 
been  omitted  in  this  publication,  and  such  explanatory 
notes  have  been  prefixed  to  each  chapter,  as  seemed  ne 
cessary  to  give  the  general  reader  an  understanding  of 
its  import. 

The  author  will  state  that  when  he  commenced  the 
publication  of  these  letters,  he  had  no  expectation  of 
writing  but  one  ;  and  to  that  he  signed  the  first  name 
that  occurred  to  him,  without  reflection.  He  was  not 
then  aware  that  an  officer  named  James  B.  McPherson 
held  a  commission  in  the  United  States  Army, — an  ig 
norance  due,  probably,  to  the  fact  that  for  many 


PREFACE.  .  7 

months  the  author  was  in  service  where  newspapers 
seldom  reached  him.  But  the  officer  in  question,  by 
his  gallant  conduct  on  many  hard-fought  fields,  has 
made  a  national  reputation  for  skilful  and  daring  gen 
eralship,  and  his  name  is  as  familiar  as  household 
words  to  all  who  have  read  the  story  of  Yicksburg, 
and  of  the  various  movements  of  the  noble  army  of 
General  Grant. 

A.  C.  H. 
NEW  OELEANS,*  LA.,  January,  1864. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

PAGE 

Free  Trade  with  the  Rebels. .  13 


CHAPTER  H. 

Mr.  Macpherson  hath  Hopes  for  his  Idiotic  Boy. — He  declareth 
himself  to  be  a  good  Union  Man. — Correspondence,  and  the 
Way  to  send  it.— The  True  Plan  of  Conciliation,  etc 16 

CHAPTER  III. 

The  Great  Secession  Demonstration  in  New  Orleans,  as  described 
by  Louis  T.  Wigfall  Macpherson 19 

CHAPTER  IV. 

Macpherson  takes  the  Oath  of  Allegiance. — A  Letter  from  Jeff. 
Davis. — A  Good  Confederate  Lady  with  Yankee  Boarders. — 
A  Gross  Insult  to  the  Confederacy,  etc.,  etc '. . . .  25 

CHAPTER  V. 

Macpherson,  Journeying  to  Madisonville,  sees  the  Great  Confed 
erate  Cross  in  the  Heavens. — He  is  seized  by  Arizonian  Gue 
rillas,  and  taken  to  the  Place  of  Execution. — His  Escape  from 
Death  etc -. . . .  34 

CHAPTER  VI. 

A  Full  Account  of  the  Great  Macpherson  Festival  at  the  House 

of  the  Noble  Woman,  in  New  Orleans 45 

1* 


10  CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

PAGE 

Macpherson,  setting  up  as  a  Confederate  Philosopher,  explains 
the  Distinction  of  Races  to  his  Idiotic  Boy. — Advent,  History, 
and  Adventures  of  the  Unhappy  Cuss. — Macpherson  captured 
by  Duryea's  Zouaves. — Interview  with  the  "Southern  Source," 
etc.,  etc 55 

CHAPTER  VIII. 
The  Great  Charity  Fair 66 

CHAPTER  IX. 
The  Confederate  Arithmetic 81 

CHAPTER  X. 
Hymn  of  Salvation 84 

CHAPTER  XL 

Macpherson  dedicates  himself  to  War  and  Larceny. — He  encoun 
ters  the  Honest  Jew 85 

CHAPTER  XII. 

The  Great  Confederate  Traveller  describes  his  Journey  through 
the  Louisiana  Lowlands  Low 91 

CHAPTER  XIII. 

Macpherson  appears  as  a  Clergyman,  and  expounds  the  Confed 
erate  Gospel. — He  encounters  the  Weeping  Orphan,  and  unex 
pectedly  finds  a  Large  Family  on  his  hands. — He  preaches 
from  the  Text :  "  Blow  ye  1"  etc.,  etc 106 

CHAPTER  XIV. 

Macpherson  as  a  Military  Chieftain. — He  is  appointed  a  Major 
General  of  Confederate  Volunteers. — He  issues  a  Proclamation, 
raises  an  Army,  and  wins  two  Battles  in  a  single  Day,  etc.,  etc.  118 


CONTENTS.  11 


CHAPTER  XV. 

PAGE 

Macplierson  encounters  and  shoots  a  Midnight  Assassin. — He 
conscripts  Negroes,  and  addresses  them  in  a  manner  calculated 
to  arouse  their  Zeal  in  the  Confederate  Cause. — He  appoints 
his  Staff,  etc.,  etc 125 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

The  Registered  Enemies  of  the  United  States  leave  the  Depart 
ment  of  the  Gulf. — General  Macpherson  superintends  their 
Departure. — He  "  Gobbles"  them  as  soon  as  they  arrive  in  his 
Dominions. — He  unexpectedly  meets  the  Honest  Jew,  etc.,  etc.  132 

CHAPTER  XVII. 

An  Account  of  the  Death  of  James  B.  Macpherson,  the  Great 
Confederate  Philosopher,  Warrior,  Author,  and  Southern 
Blower 142 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 

The  Resuscitation  of  Macpherson. — It  is  Discovered  that  he  was 
not  Dead,  only  Dead  Drunk. — His  Method  of  Paying  Debts. — 
He  makes  the  Acquaintance  of  the  Reliable  Gentleman,  etc., 
etc 149 

CHAPTER  XIX. 

Macpherson  encounters  the  Cussed  Fool  of  Carondelet  street. — 
Betting  on  Vicksburg  and  Port  Hudson. — Fourth  of  July  Cel 
ebration  at  Madisonville,  etc.,  etc 160 

CHAPTER  XX. 

The  Phantom  Confederate ;  or,  the  Ghost  of  Madisonville.  (A 
True  Story) ; 168 

CHAPTER  XXI. 

Macpherson  is  arrested  for  Assault  and  Battery. — He  expounds 
the  Law  of  Responsibility. — He  visits  Port  Hudson  and  Vicks 
burg. — He  tests  the  Homeopathic  Principle,  and  is  Chased  by 
the  Devil,  etc.,  etc 175 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

PAGE 

Macpherson  is  seized  with  the  Newspaper  Mania,  and  Determines 
to  become  an  Editor. — He  dissolves  the  Army  of  Madisonville, 
etc.,  etc 183 

CHAPTER  XXIII. 

Macpherson,  disgusted  with  the  Newspaper  Business,  resolves 
to  acquire  Office  and  Civil  Renown. — The  Restoration  of  Civil 
Government  in  Louisiana. — Macpherson  is  elected  Governor 
of  the  State,  etc.,  etc 188 

CHAPTER  XXIV. 

The  Governor  is  besieged  by  Office-seekers. — The  ingenious 
Method  by  which  he  dispersed  the  Mob. — The  True  Southern 
Patriot,  and  why  he  would  not  accept  Office. — The  Idiotic  Boy 
chastised. — The  Governor  makes  a  Pilgrimage  to  Richmond. — 
The  Full  and  Authentic  History  of  the  Congressional  Career 
of  the  Cussed  Fool  and  the  Solitary  Horseman,  etc.,  etc 199 


THE  LETTERS 


OF 


JAMES  B.  MACPHERSOK 


CHAPTEE  I. 

FREE  TRADE  WITH  THE  REBELS. 

NOTE. — Madisonville  is  a  town  situated  on  the  Tchefuncta  river, 
near  Lake  Pontchartrain,  and  was  within  the  rebel  lines  at  the  time 
these  letters  were  written,  as  it  is,  in  fact,  at  the  present  time.  Tho 
people  were  known  to  be  destitute  of  many  of  the  necessaries  of  life, 
and  the  secessionists  of  New  Orleans  made  a  strong  effort  to  induce 
the  authorities  to  permit  free  trade  across  the  lake,  on  the  ground 
that  humanity  required  it,  and  that  the  people  were  non-combatants. 
The  Daily  Picayune  advocated  this  theory,  and  a  writer,  signing 
himself  "  Observer,"  published  a  communication  in  that  paper  urging 
its  adoption  by  the  authorities.  The  notion  appeared  too  absurd  to 
be  treated  seriously,  and  the  author  attempted  to  exhibit  it  in  this 
light  in  the  following  letter,  which  appeared  in  THE  ERA,  February 
17th,  1863. 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 
Sunday  Evening,  February  15. 

SIE: — I  have  a  wife  and  twelve  children,  all  of  them 
sons  except  the  wife.  Nine  of  them  are  in  the  Con 
federate  service,  and  so  am  I.  The  other  three  are  not 
in  the  service,  because  one  of  them  is  only  three  years 


14-  'THE  MACPHEBSON  LETTERS. 

old,  but  h^  will  probably: be.  old  enough  to  join  the 
army  before  the  United  States  are  crushed.  Another 
one  has  lost  a  leg  in  the  war,  so  that  he  can't  march ; 
and  the  other  one  is  idiotic.  I  am  home  on  a  furlough, 
and  find  my  wife  and  three  sons  bad  enough  off.  They 
are  destitute  of  many  of  the  necessaries  of  life,  and  for 
my  part  I  don't  know  what  they  will  do. 

I  think  the  United  States  ought  to  supply  them  with 
food.  They  are  non-combatants,  and  there  is  no  chance 
that  any  of  them  will  ever  fight  except  the  youngest ; 
and  stipulation  might  be  made  that  he  should  not  eat 
any  of  the  food  sent  over,  if  that  should  be  deemed  ne 
cessary. 

So  long  as  I  and  the  nine  able-bodied  boys  stay  in 
the  Confederate  army,  it  will  be  necessary  to  have  the 
rest  of  the  family  receive  supplies  from  New  Orleans ; 
and  humanity  and  philanthropy  demand  that  trade 
should  be  allowed. 

I  was  pleased  to  read  in  this  morning's  Picayune,  a 
communication  from  Mr.  Observer,  on  this  point.  He 
proposes  to  send  salt  and  other  indispensable  articles, 
and  says  he  would  go  into  the  business  himself,  if  he 
had  the  means,  and  could  get  the  necessary  authority. 
I  hope  he  will  go  into  it  at  once,  as  we  need  the  salt 
much,  and  the  indispensable  articles  would  also  come 
handy.  He  can  make  a  good  thing  of  it,  as  we  are 
willing  to  pay  a  large  price  for  salt,  flour,  quinine, 
clothing,  cotton-cards,  etc.,  all  of  which  will  bring  a 
larger  price  here  than  Observer  will  have  to  give  for 
them  in  New  Orleans.  I  would  pay  a  large  price  for 
what  my  family  needs,  as  I  could  fight  a  great  deal 
better  if  I  knew  the  folks  were  comfortable  at  home. 


FREE  TRADE  WITH  THE  REBELS.  15 

By  all  means  let  some  one  lend  Mr.  Observer  the  capi 
tal  if  lie  hasn't  got  it,  for  there  is  no  reason  why  non- 
combatants  shouldn't  be  fed. 

Yours,  sincerely, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHERSON. 

P.  S. — While  you  are  about  it,  tell  Observer  to  bring 
me  an  English  rifle,  with  a  cartridge-box,  and  a  hun 
dred  rounds  of  ammunition. 

J.  B.  M. 


10  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTEES. 


CHAPTEE  II. 

MR.  MACPHERSON  HATH  HOPES    FOR   HIS  IDIOTIC  BOY. — HE 

DECLARETH     HIMSELF     TO     BE    A    GOOD     UNION     MAN. COR 
RESPONDENCE,    AND    THE  WAY    TO    SEND    IT. TlIE    TRUE 

PLAN  OF  CONCILIATION,  ETC. 

NOTE. — Confederate  prisoners  who  were  to  leave  New  Orleans  on 
parole,  were  discovered  to  have  contraband  letters  sewed  into  their 
clothing. 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 
February  21st,  1863. 

SIE  : — I  find  that  THE  EEA  published  my  letter,  in 
which  I  showed  that  the  United  States  ought  to  sup 
port  my  family  as  long  as  I  am  in  the  Confederate  ser 
vice,  and  that  the  destitute  people  on  this  side  of  the 
lake  should  be  permitted  to  trade  with  New  Orleans. 
"When  I  saw  that  letter  in  THE  EEA,  I  experienced  all 
the  pleasure  of  a  man  who,  for  the  first  time,  sees  his 
name  in  print.  I  looked  at  it  two  or  three  hours,  and 
then  handed  it  over  to  my  Idiotic  Boy. 

I  could  not  restrain  my  tears,  when  I  thought  of  the 
unhappy  fate  of  that  youth,  doomed  never  to  write  a 
letter  for  the  newspapers,  nor  to  realize  the  blissful 
feelings  which  swelled  in  his  father's  heart,  at  gazing 
upon  his  own  name  in  small-cap  letters. 

"  Cheer  up,  my  dear,"  said  my  wife.  m  "  James,  to  be 
sure,  is  an  idiot,  but  idiots  does  sometimes  write  for 
newspapers." 

Immediately  she  handed  me  "  Observer's"  letter  in 
Sunday's  Picayune,  and  I  became  calm.  Whenever  I 
look  at  that  letter  I  believe  fully  my  wife's  remark. 


EIGHTS    OF   A   NON-COMBATANT.  17 

As  I  told  you  before,  I  am  home  on  a  furlough,  and 
so  long  as  I  remain  away  from  my  regiment,  at  Port 
Hudson,  I  consider  myself  a  non-combatant,  and  I  de 
mand  from  the  United  States  government  all  the  rights 
of  a  neutral.  I  wish,  while  my  furlough  continues,  to 
take  a  hand  in  trade  across  the  lake,  and  as  Observer 
promises  to  go  into  it  if  anybody  will  furnish  funds,  I 
now  definitely  offer  him  my  assistance,  and  promise  to 
invest  my  last  three  months'  pay  as  a  private,  which  I 
have  just  drawn  from  the  paymaster  in  Confederate 
treasury  notes  and  Madisonville  butchers'  tickets,  and 
three  dollars  of  which  are  worth  three  cents  in  coin. 

"What  I  want  now,  is,  to  make  arrangements  for  get 
ting  all  the  newspapers  across  the  lake,  and  to  gain  in 
formation  in  regard  to  the  Union  soldiers  in  General 
Banks's  Department.  So  long  as  I  am  a  neutral,  I  have 
a  perfect  right  to  know  what  is  going  on,  and  the  in 
formation  thus  obtained  I  could  sell  to  my  General  for 
a  high  price,  which  would  do  much  towards  feeding  my 
destitute  family,  and  helping  on  our  speculations.  You 
will  therefore  please  forward  to  me  immediately  a  full 
statement  of  the  number  of  troops  in  the  Department 
of  the  Gulf,  where  the  camps  are  located,  the  quality  of 
arms,  the  number  of  guns,  the  amount  of  ammunition, 
the  number,  strength,  and  position  of  the  gunboats,  the 
maps  and  plans  of  future  operations  by  land  and  water, 
and  any  other  small  matters  which  would  be  of  interest 
and  use  to  me,  and  which  can  do  no  harm  so  long  as  I 
am  a  non-combatant.  If,  however,  the  military  author 
ities  should  differ  from  the  Picayune  and  me  in  these 
matters,  please  sew  all  necessary  letters  into  the  collars 
and  cuffs  of  the  coats  of  Confederate  soldiers,  bound 


18  THE   HACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

only  by  a  parole  of  honor,  and  stuff  all  the  newspapers 
you  can  find  into  the  legs  of  their  breeches. 

But  there  can  be  no  possible  objection  to  permitting 
free  correspondence  with  me.  I  am,  in  fact,  a  good 
Union  man,  and  boldly  proclaim  my  Union  sentiments 
among  my  comrades.  My  doctrine  is,  that  the  United 
States  ought  to  lay  down  their  arms  at  once,  and  then 
ask  for  an  armistice,  preparatory  to  a  recognition  of  the 
Southern  Confederacy.  Such  a  step  would  place  the 
Confederate  States  under  great  obligations  to  the  United 
States,  and  would  engender  a  sentiment  of  friendship. 
It  would,  to  be  sure,  result  in  the  complete  success  of 
the  Confederate  cause ;  but  it  would  heal  all  feelings 
of  wounded  pride  on  our  part,  and  perhaps  ultimately 
restore  the  Union.  I,  for  one,  would  then  go  for  a  re- 
establishment  of  the  Union,  on  condition  that  all  the 
Northern  men  who  do  not  agree  with  me  should  be  hung 
or  expelled  from  the  country.  If  the  United  States 
would  consent  to  this,  and  purge  itself  effectually  of  all 
men  of  opposite  politics,  I  think  we  might  be  reunited 
and  live  together  in  peace.  But  so  long  as  any  one 
favorable  to  the  United  States  government  is  tolerated 
in  the  North,  I,  for  one,  am  opposed  to  the  Union,  and 
will  urge  the  Confederate  army  to  fight,  and  make  all 
I  can  out  of  it.  Let  the  United  States  government 
pursue  a  conciliatory  policy  and  hang  all  its  friends, 
however,  and  I  believe  then  a  happy  peace  will  dawn 
upon  this  land,  and  the  advocates  of  war  will  skulk 
away  in  terror  and  disgrace. 

Yours,  truly, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHERSON. 


SECESSION   DEMONSTRATION.  19 


CHAPTEE  III. 

THE  GREAT  SECESSION    DEMONSTRATION    IN    NEW  ORLEANS, 
AS  DESCRIBED  BY  Louis  T.  WIGFALL  MACPHERSON. 

NOTE. — On  the  20tli  February,  18G3,  a  large  number  of  rebel  pris 
oners  left  New  Orleans  to  be  exchanged.  They  were  to  have  been 
taken  on  the  steamer  Empire  Parish  ;  but  that  vessel  met  with  some 
accident  before  she  got  off.  The  departure  of  these  prisoners  was 
made  the  occasion  of  a  grand  demonstration  on  the  part  of  the  seces 
sion  women  of  the  city,  who  thronged  the  levee  by  thousands,  to  ex 
press  their  sympathy  for  the  cause  of  treason.  The  prisoners  all 
went  away  with  new  suits  of  clothes,  furnished  by  rebel  women  in 
the  city,  and  would  have  carried  other  suits  had  the  authorities  per 
mitted  it.  The  assembly  became  so  noisy  and  insolent,  that  a  regi 
ment  of  soldiers  finally  cleared  the  levee. 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 

February  28th,  1863. 

SIR  : — I  now  forward  a  copy  of  the  letter  of  my  son 
Louis  T.  Wigfall,  of  the  Confederate  Army ;  and  here 
I  deem  it  proper  to  state  that  I  am  a  descendant  of 
revolutionary  sires,  and  consequently  that  I  named  my 
sons  after  the  greatest  lights  of  American  history. 
They  are:  George  Washington,  Louis  T.  Wigfall, 
Thomas  Jefferson,  Roger  A.  Pryor,  Ben.  "Wood,  John 
C.  Brecldnridge,  Andrew  Jackson,  Toussaint  POuver- 
ture,  and  Horatio  Seymour.  Those  are  the  names  of 
my  nine  boys  in  the  army.  The  idiot  I  have  named 
James  Buchanan  Floyd,  the  cripple  Braxton  Bragg, 
and  the  infant  Mason  Slidell.  Having  premised  thus 
much,  I  will  proceed  with  the  letter : 


20  THE   MACPHEBSON    LETTERS. 

Louis  T.  Wigfall  Macphcr  son's  Adventures  in  New 
Orleans. 

Louis  T.  Wigfall  Macpherson  writes : 

"  I've  had  the  biggest  kind  of  a  time  sense  you  hurd 
from  Me  last.  I  was  took  prisoner  by  the  Yanks.  I 
had  sworn  never  to  surrender  alive,  and  I  never  would 
have  done  it,  only  My  back  happened  to  be  turned  at 
the  minit,  and  so  they  got  Me  and  sent  Me  to  New 
Orleans  with  the  rest.  They  locked  me  up  for  a  while, 
but  then  they  let  Me  out  on  payroll  in  the  streets,  and 
I  had  the  fredum  of  the  sitty. 

"  Well,  as  I  went  saunchering  along  the  streets  I  met 
a  lady  whose  dress  and  proud  bearing  told  me  at  once 
she  belonged  to  the  alight,  and  so  it  proved.  She 
stopped  and  looked  at  me  inquiringly,  and  finally  bend 
ing  her  proud  head  towards  me,  she  says :  '  Pardon 
Me,  sir,  but  isn't  you  a  Confederate  soljur  ?'  Says  I : 
*  Yes,  miss,  I  is.'  Says  she  to  Me :  *  I  thought  so  by 
your  proud  and  hauty  bearing,  and  by  your  dilapidated 
gray  garments,  which  is  dearer  in  my  eyes  than  the 
vestments  of  a  monarch,  or  the  costly  robes  of  the 
Prince  de  Joinville.'  Then  I  bent  my  hauty  head  to 
wards  her  and  said :  c  I  thank  you,  miss ;  you  do  Me 
proud.'  Then  says  she  :  4  Come  and  see  us ;'  and  says 
I :  <  Where  do  you  live ;'  Then  she  told  me,  and  I 
went  to  see  'em  that  very  night. 

"  I  found  that  the  family  belonged  to  the  alight,  and 
w"as  all  of  the  wright  stripe.  The  lady  had  ate  dau- 
ters,  seven  of  them  grown  up,  and  all  of  them  lovely 
and  charming  as  rose-blossoms,  and  all  as  secesli  a,s 
Lovell  or  Yallandigham.  The  old  lady  had  a  stick 


21 

about  two  feet  long,  which  she  had  saved  from  the 
rebel  flagstaff  at  Fort  Jackson  ever  since  our  victory 
there  over  Farrigut.  It  was  beautiful  to  see  her  wave 
this  stick  over  the  heads  of  her  obediunt  dauters  and 
hurrah  for  the  Confederacy. 

"  Says  all  of  them  to  Me  :  (  Make  this  your  home  as 
long  as  you  are  in  New  Orleans.'  Says  I :  '  Thank 
you,  kind  ladies,  I  will  do  so  ;'  and  I  did.  I  staid  in 
that  house  until  I  was  exchanged,  and  it  was  beautiful 
and  romantic  to  see  the  devotion  -of  them  lovely  dauters 
of  the  South.  I  was  as  ragged  as  Lazarus,  and  hadn't 
a  red,  and  so  the  old  lady  sent  for  a  Confederate  taylor, 
and  had  him  make  Me  a  sute  of  close — a  nice  gray  uni 
form  ;  and  then  they  took  Me  up  to  the  photographic 
gallery  and  had  My  likeness  took.  But  this  wouldn't 
do,  and  each  of  the  ate  dauters  had  a  sute  made,  and 
each  one  of  them  presented  me  with  a  Confederate  uni 
form  complete.  , 

"  Purty  soon  the  time  cum  to  be  exchanged  on  the 
Empire  Parish,  and  then  I  put  on  my  whole  nine  sutes 
at  a  time.  I  felt  grand  and  looked  like  the  Irysh  jiunt, 
only  not  as  tall.  Says  they  all :  '  We  are  sorry  to  lose 
your  society,  but  the  Confederacy  needs  your  services, 
and  we  must  let  you  go.'  Then  they  all  cryed. 

"  It  was  now  time  to  go  down  to  the  boat,  and  these 
lovely  ladies  was  determined  to  show  their  devotion  to 
our  hoely  cawse.  So  the  old  lady  took  her  stick,  and 
she  with  the  ate  dauters,  all  wearing  seceshun  flags 
around  their  wastes,  formed  a  holler  square  around  Me, 
and  I  marched  in  the  senter  with  them  as  a  escort  of 
onur.  As  we  was  going  to  the  levee  we  met  a  Yank 
soljur,  who  shouted  out :  '  Go  it,  grayback  ! — you  need 


22  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

an  escort  of  women.'  The  old  lady  said  :  '  I'll  take  no 
insult  from  a  Yank  !'  and  then  she  knocked  him  down 
with  the  peace  of  the  flag-staff  allewded  to  ;  and  I  ap- 
plawded  her  and  the  dauters  laft.  It  was  a  beautiful 
site  to  behold  that  woman  bend  her  proud  and  hauty 
head  and  raise  her  delicate  white  snowy  arm  in  the 
cawse  of  her  country,  and  to  see  those  lovely  dauters, 
so  alight,  smiling  sweetly  upon  her. 

"  There  was  a  glorious  time  at  the  Levee.  Holler 
squares  kept  coming  in,  and  all  true  to  the  cawse ;  and 
in  order  to  show  em  I  was  not  afrade  to  fite,  I  knocked 
a  big  nigger  off  the  wharf  into  the  river.  Just  as  I 
was  going  a  board,  the  old  lady  slapped  Me  on  the 
shoulder ;  but  I  didn't  feel  it,  her  hand  was  so  delicate 
and  I  had  so  many  sutes  of  gray  close  on.  But  says 
she :  '  There's  one  thing  I've  forgot.'  Then  she  ripped 
open  my  cuffs  and  collers,  and  sode  in  a  catalogue  of 
Farragut's  ships  and  General  Banks's  troops,  saying : 
'  That's  for  Jeff.  Davis.'  Says  I :  <  Miss,  I'm  on  my 
payroll  of  onur  not  to  do  so.'  Says  she  :  'A  Confeder 
ate  payroll  is  not  wuth  a  red,'  or  w^ords  to  that  effect ; 
and  so  after  they  had  put  a  newspaper  and  a  plug  of 
tobacker  in  each  pocket,  they  all  kissed  Me,  and  the  old 
lady  said :  i  Brave  son  of  the  Confederacy ! — the  alight 
of  the  city  has  come  to  see  you  off  and  to  shour  on  your 
heads  the  blessings  of  patryotic  matruns  and  spotless 
mades,  and  to  fill  your  pockets  with  letters  and  to 
backer.  Axcept  these  toakuns  of  our  patryotic  devo- 
shun,  and  think  of  us  when  you  are  far  above  Baton 
Rouge !'  Says  I :  c  Thanks,  miss,  to  you  and  your  ate 
alight  dauters  for  your  patryotic  wishes,  for  the  tobacker 
you  have  bestowed  on  my  unworthy  head,  and  for 


NEGRO   SOLDIERS.  23 

teaching  me  the  value  of  a   Confederate  payroll   of 
onur.' 

"  Then  I  went  aboard,  and  the  old  lady  she  swimg 
her  stick  and  we  all  give  three  cheers  for  Jeff.  Davis ; 
and  then  I  fell  off  of  the  paddle-box  into  the  river,  over- 
cum  with  the  manly  emotions  which  swelled  in  my 
bosom.  A  Yank  pulled  me  out,  for  I  had  so  many 
close  on  I  couldn't  stur.  If  I  ever  meet  him  in  battle 
I'll  ring  his  neck  for  him. 

"  I  was  so  heavy  with  wet  close  and  things  that  it 
took  the  whole  ship's  crew  to  pull  me  out.  They  set 
me  on  the  paddle-box,  and  I  was  so  heavy  that  the 
whole  concern  broke  down,  and  they  had  to  put  us  on 
another  ship. 

"  As  soon  as  we  got  up  to  Port  Hudson,  I  sold  all  my 
close  for  $800  a  sute,  bringing  me  a  total  of  $7,200, 
and  now  I'm  perfectly  destitute — haven't  got  a  decent 
sute  to  put  on.  Send  my  order  to  the  United  States 
for  a  new  uniform,  and  invest  my  money  in  salt  and 
ship  it  up  to  Port  Hudson  on  a  flag-of-truce-boat  im 
mediately,  and  oblige 
"  Your  destitute  son, 

"  Lons  T.  WIGFALL  MACPHERSON, 

"  Co.  1, 18th  La.  Yols." 

Mr.  Macphcrson's  Views  on  Negro  Soldiers. 

I  now  wish  to  make  a  few  remarks  on  the  subject  of 
negro  soldiers.  I  am  opposed  to  negroes  in  the  abstract, 
and  am  dead  set  against  having  them  enlisted  as  soldiers 
in  the  service  of  the  United  States ;  and  I  regard  such 
enlistments  as  inhuman,  wicked,  barbarous,  and  damna 
ble  beyond  description.  The  English  Dictionary  does 


24  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

not  contain  adjectives  strong  enough  to  paint  the  hor 
rors  of  making  Union  soldiers  of  negroes;  but  when 
you  come  to  make  them  Confederate  soldiers,  I,  for 
one,  am  in  favor  of  it ;  and  if  nine  regiments  are 
raised,  I  mean  that  each  of  my  sons  shall  be  a  Colonel. 
I  will  then  get  my  furlough  cancelled,  and  take  the  field 
in  person,  as  a  Brigadier-General,  in  command  of  the 
Macpherson  Brigade.  As  soon  as  the  war  is  over  I  will 
buy  a  plantation  and  set  them  at  work  on  it,  and  I  mean 
to  be  the  largest  slaveholder  and  autocrat  in  the  Con 
federacy. 

Yours  respectfully, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEESON. 


OATH    OF   ALLEGIANCE.  25 


CHAPTER  IY. 

MACPHERSON  TAKES  THE  OATH  OF  ALLEGIANCE. — A  LETTER 
FitoM  JEFF.  DAVIS. — A  GOOD  CONFEDERATE  LADT  WITH 
YANKEE  BOARDERS. — A  GROSS  INSULT  TO  THE  CONFEDER 
ACY,  ETC.,  ETC. 

NOTE. — Many  secessionists  in  New  Orleans  took  the  oath  of  alle 
giance  to  the  United  States,  merely  to  save  their  property  from  con 
fiscation.  It  was  not  uncommon  for  them  to  boast  that  such  was 
their  only  motive,  and  that  they  did  not  regard  the  oath  as  binding 
upon  their  consciences.  This  was  true  of  some  who  gained  their 
daily  bread  by  boarding  Federal  officers.  It  was  not  an  unusual 
spectacle  to  see  ladies  cross  the  street  rather  than  pass  under  a  flag 
of  the  United  States ;  this  was  one  way  in  which  they  exhibited 
their  hatred  of  the  Union,  and  their  sympathy  for  the  rebel  cause. 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 

March  7th,  1803. 

Sm : — You  should  know  that  my  letters  in  THE  EEA 
have  been  regularly  forwarded  to  Jeff.  Davis,  at  Rich 
mond.  With  the  one  in  last  Sunday's  paper,  I  sent  a 
request  that  my  furlough  might  be  extended ;  and  in 
reply  I  received,  by  telegraph,  the  following  : 

Letter  from  Jeff.  Dams. 

"  RICHMOND,  VA.,  March  3. 

"My  DEAR  MACPHEESON  : — I  have  received  from 
time  to  time  the  copies  of  THE  EEA  containing  your 
wise  and  patriotic  letters,  which  I  have  read  with  ever- 
increasing  pleasure.  The  sufferings  of  your  family  and 
the  destitution  which  prevails  among  my  subjects  have 
touched  my  paternal  heart;  and  I  now  recommend 
that  you  go  at  once  to  ISTew  Orleans  and  take  the  oath 


26  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

of  allegiance.  Of  course  you  will  understand  that  no 
oath  is  binding  upon  the  conscience  of  a  Confederate, 
unless  taken  before  a  Confederate  magistrate.  Having 
eaten  enough  to  last  you  until  your  next  visit,  and 
made  such  observations  as  will  be  useful  to  the  cause, 
you  will  return  on  the  first  flag-of-truce-boat,  and  im 
mediately  communicate  to  me  all  information  you  can 
obtain.  Also,  bring  your  satchel  full  of  edibles  for 
your  family. 

"  I  have  directed  my  Adjutant-general,  S.  Cooper,  to 
make  out  a  new  furlough  for  you,  excusing  you  from 
all  duty  with  your  regiment,  so  long  as  you  continue  to 
write  for  THE  ERA. 

"  I  also  forward  herewith  a  commission  for  your  son, 
John  C.  Breckinridge  Macpherson,  as  Colonel  of  the 
8th  Georgia  Negro  Confederate  Liberty  Guards. 
"  I  am,  my  dear  Mac, 

"  Yours  in  Confederate  bonds, 

"  JEFF.  DAVIS." 

I  was  proud  enough,  the  Lord  knows,  when  I  first 
saw  my  name  printed  in  THE  ERA  ;  but  what  shall  I 
say  of  my  feelings  when  I  received  the  above  letter  ? 
"Is  it  possible,"  I  cried  aloud,  clasping  my  hands  and 
raising  my  eyes  impressively,  in  a  manner  which  would 
do  credit  to  Yining  Bowers;  "is  it  possible  that  the 
President  of  the  new  nation,  the  anchor  of  Southern 
independence,  the  flag-staif  of  our  proud  stars  and  bars, 
the  chiefest  demigod  of  Confederate  mythology,  has 
condescended  to  write  to  me  in  terms  of  fraternal  en 
dearment  ?"  I  clasped  my  Idiotic  Boy  to  my  bosom, 
waved  my  letter  aloft  to  heaven,  seized  my  satchel, 


STRUGGLE   WITH    CONSCIENCE.  27 

and,  with  emotions  only  ^quailed  by  those  of  Floyd 
when  he  first  espied  the  United  States  treasury  build 
ing,  started  hurriedly  for  New  Orleans. 

Macpherson^  s  manly  Struggle  with  his  Conscience. 

The  first  encounter  I  had  was  with  my  own  con 
science.  Said  conscience  to  me :  "  Macpherson,  re 
member  that  thou  art  the  descendant  of  revolutionary 
sires,  the  proud  representative  of  an  honorable  house 
and  name,  the  great  light  and  mirror  of  Madisonville 
chivalry,  and,  more  than  all,  the  confidential  agent  of 
Jeff.  Davis,  the  greatest  man  that  ever  trod  in  Confed 
erate  shoes,  worth  $300  a  pair.  Then  how  canst  thou, 
O  Macpherson,  lover  of  honor  and  hater  of  Yankees, 
raise  thy  hand  to  heaven  and  swear  allegiance  to  a 
flag  which,  to  thine  illuminated  mind,  is  the  symbol  of 
ungodly  power  and  basest  tyranny  ?  and  how  canst 
thou  consent  to  eat  the  bread  of  Yankees,  gotten  under 
the  false  pretense  that  thou  art  faithful  to  their  flag  ? 
O  Macpherson !  pause  and  go  home !" 

But  I  told  my  conscience  to  dry  up.  Did  not  Daniel 
eat  the  bread  of  the  pagan  king,  and  was  not  Daniel 
bold  as  a  lion  ?  "  I  will  take  the  oath,"  said  I,  "  but 
there  is  not  Spaulding's  glue  enough  among  living 
men  to  stick  me  to  it !" 

Macpherson  talces  the  Oath  of  Allegiance. 

Well,  I  went  and  took  the  oath.  It  was  a  matter  of 
compulsion,  because  it  was  the  only  way  I  could  get 
inside  the  lines  without  becoming  a  prisoner ;  and  when 
a  man  takes  an  oath  under  compulsion,  he  is  allowed  to 


28  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTERS. 


break  it  the  first  chance.  I&t  when  I  went  up  to  take 
the  oath  of  allegiance,  I  asked  the  Yankee  officer  if  he 
would  have  the  goodness  to  let  me  look  at  the  Bible 
before  I  swore.  He  kindly  assented,  and  looking  at 
the  imprint  I  found  it  had  been  published  in  Boston, 
and  was  a  regular  abolition  concern;  and  then  con 
science  gave  way,  and  said  I  could  swear  to  any  thing 
I  chose  on  a  Bible  printed  north  of  Mason  and  Dixon's 
line.  I  swore  to  a  lot  of  stuff  —  more  than  I  like  to 
think  of  now  ;  but  one  of  the  points  was  that  I  would 
never  bear  arms  against  the  United  States.  But  to 
this  I  mentally  added  the  words,  "  so  long  as  my  fur 
lough  lasts,"  and  my  conscience  went  to  sleep  as  sound 
ly  as  though  it  had  been  soothed  by  twenty  whisky- 
skins  at  Marble  Hall. 

Macjoherson  finds  a  good  Confederate  Lady. 
As  I  expected  to  remain  in  town  most  of  the  week, 
I  resolved  to  find  a  boarding-house  wTith  some  good 
Confederate  who  had  taken  the  oath  of  allegiance.  I 
soon  discovered  such  a  place  —  a  house  kept  by  a  Con 
federate  lady,  whose  husband  and  three  sons  are  in  our 
army,  boldly  fighting  for  Southern  independence,  and 
who  has  taken  the  oath  of  allegiance  to  save  the  prop 
erty  from  confiscation.  I  found  this  good  lady  to  be 
true  blue.  "  Macpherson,"  said  she,  when  I  applied 
for  board,  "have  you  taken  the  oath  of  allegiance  to 
the  Abolitionists  ?"  I  blushed  all  over,  from  the  crown 
of  my  Confederate  head  to  the  soles  of  my  Confederate 
shoes,  as  I  replied,  "  Yes."  "  Well,  then,"  said  this 
brave  lady,  "if  you  have  done  that  git  out  of  this 
house  !  Them  as  leaves  the  army  when  they  ought  to 


THE   CONFEDERATE    LADY.  29 

be  bearing  the  burden  and  heat  of  the  Confederate  day, 
musn't  come  sneaking  around  this  house  for  shelter. 
If  I  was  a  man,  do  you  think  I  would  be  here  ?  ~No 
sir-ee.  I  would  have  a  Jeff.  Davis  musket  on  my  shoul 
der,  and  would  be  sending  death  and  blood  abroad 
among  the  Yankees  as  a  besom  of  destruction.  Where 
is  my  sons  and  husband  ?  Isn't  they  doing  their  duty 
to  the  Confederacy  on  the  bloody  field,  and  one  of  them 
in  the  commissary  department  I  Oh !  I  hate  cowards 
and  traitors,  and  a  man  as  leaves  the  Confederacy  and 
comes  over  to  live  on  Yankee  bread  is  all  three  com 
bined  in  one  mean  hateful  critter,  who  can't  find  no 
encouragement  nor  shelter  under  this  roof !  Git  out  of 
here,  James  B.  Macpherson ! — or  I'll  have  my  nigger 
kick  you  into  the  gutter  !" 

As  she  gave  utterance  to  these  noble  and  patriotic 
sentiments,  her  tall  form  was  erect,  her  eyes  flashed 
with  Confederate  fire  like  the  bolts  of  Olympian  Jove ; 
her  fists  were  clenched  in  the  very  ecstasy  of  anger, 
and  cowering  before  her  for  mercy,  I  could  but  feel 
that  I  was  in  the  presence  of  a  goddess. 

"  Minerva  of  Louisiana !"  I  exclaimed,  kneeling  be 
fore  her — "Pallas  Athene, of  the  Confederacy!  let  me 
explain  to  you  the  manner  and  meaning  of  my  visit. 
Allow  me  to — " 

Just  at  this  stage  of  my  address,  the  good  lady's  nig 
ger,  in  obedience  to  a  wave  of  her  hand,  came  stealthi 
ly  behind  me,  opened  the  door,  and  seizing  me  by  the 
collar,  kicked  me  out  of  the  house,  landing  me  square 
in  the  gutter. 

I  sat  there  a  considerable  time,  when  suddenly  a 
Yankee  officer  approached,  and  he  asked  me  into  his 


30  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTERS. 

room.  To  my  astonishment,  lie  walked  into  the  very 
house  from  which  I  had  just  been  so  summarily  ejected. 
I  sat  down  and  wrote  an  explanation  of  my  position, 
and  sent  it  to  the  good  lady.  In  five  minutes  she  sent 
for  me,  said  she  was  delighted  to  see  me,  proud  to  have 
me  under  her  roof,  and  that  I  needn't  pay  a  picayune 
for  board  as  long  as  I  staid  there.  She  then  had  the 
nigger  whipped  for  kicking  me  out,  and  from  that  mo 
ment  we  were  fast  friends. 

I  found  that  her  house  was  full  of  Yankee  officers, 
except  two  beautiful  young  ladies  who  boarded  there, 
and  were  true  as  steel  to  the  Confederacy. 

"  How  comes  it,  madam,"  I  inquired,  "  that  a  woman 
of  your  proud  and  patriotic  spirit  ever  consented  to 
take  the  oath  of  allegiance,  or  to  have  your  establish 
ment  supported  by  Yankee  officers  ?" 

"  Because,"  replied  the  good  lady,  "  necessity  is  the 
mother  of  invention,  and  being  a  mother  myself  I  can 
appreciate  it.  As  to  taking  the  oath  of  allegiance,  that 
don't  amount  to  nothing.  The  oath  never  went 
through  my  teeth  ;  it  was  necessary  to  save  my  proper 
ty,  and  I  say  it  boldly,  I  have  no  more  respect  for  that 
oath  than  I  have  for  the  President  of  Hayti.  As  to 
the  Yankee  boarders,  the  times  has  been  when  thero 
wasn't  Confederate  treasury  notes  enough  in  Jacob 
Barker's  safe  to  hire  me  to  feed  a  Yankee  officer  ;  but 
times  has  changed,  and  finding  that  I  could  live  on 
Yankees  and  hate  'em  at  the  same  time,  I  yielded  to 
the  mother  of  invention." 

If  Mrs.  Macpherson  could  have  looked  into  my  heart, 
as  the  good  lady  gave  utterance  to  the  above  honorable 
and  patriotic  sentiments,  I  fear  she  might  have  been 


INSULTED   BY   THE   FLAG.  31 

jealous  of  the  lively  admiration  with  which  the  good 
lady  inspired  me.  But  whatever  emotions  were  rising 
in  my  heart  were  suddenly  overwhelmed  by  a  great 
event. 

The  two  young  ladies  referred  to  previously,  came 
into  the  room,  trembling  with  excitement  and  pale  with 
ghastly  anger. 

"  Has  it  come  to  this !"  cried  the  beautiful  maiden. 
"  Are  we  to  be  insulted  at  our  very  doors !" 

My  chivalric  Madisonville  blood  was  aroused  by  the 
sight  of  suffering  beauty.  "  Haste  me  to  know  it !"  I 
cried,  springing  to  my  feet,  "  that  I,  with  wings  as  swift 
as  meditation  or  the  thoughts  of  love,  may  have  the 
vile  ruffian  whipped.  Where  is  the  big  nigger  that 
kicked  me  out  of  doors  ?  Madam,  bring  him  hither, 
that  we  may  avenge  the  injuries  of  your  house  !" 

"  Such  insolence !"  cried  the  beautiful  maiden,  "  and 
at  our  very  door  !  I  never !"  and  she  stamped  her  deli 
cate  foot  upon  the  carpet,  as  though  she  would  crush 
the  United  States  beneath  it. 

"  What's  the  matter  ?"  demanded  the  good  lady,  in 
tones  of  angelic  thunder. 

But  the  beautiful  maiden  could  not  answer.  She  be 
came  speechless  with  patriotic  rage,  and  fell  to  the 
earth,  pointing  to  the  door  and  gasping  with  her  faint 
ing  breath — 

"  The  nag !— the  flag  !" 

Hastening  to  the  door,  we  beheld  a  loathsome  spec 
tacle.  The  man  living  near  our  door,  a  citizen  of  i^ew 
Orleans,  had  displayed  a  United  States  flag  from  his 
dwelling.  A  more  gross  insult  to  the  Confederacy  and  to 
the  good  people  who  have  taken  the  oath  of  allegiance  to 


THE   MACPHEKSON   LETTERS. 

save  their  property,  could  not  be  imagined.  As  the 
good  lady  gazed  upon  that  detestable  emblem  of  tyranny 
arid  bloody  despotism,  to  which  she  had  taken  the  oath 
of  allegiance,  she  ground  her  teeth  together,  so  that 
you  could  hear  them  around  the  corner.  Then  we  shut 
the  door,  and  all  fainted. 

As  soon  as  we  recovered,  we  held  a  family  consulta 
tion,  and  it  was  discussed  whether  to  leave  for  the  Con 
federacy  or  to  commit  suicide.  The  beautiful  maiden 
argued  in  favor  of  the  latter  course,  as  a  sentimental 
way  of  serving  the  Confederacy.  "  How  romantic !" 
she  exclaimed ;  "  what  a  splendid  subject  for  a  Confed 
erate  Sylvanus  Cobb  ! — what  a  touching  picture  for  the 
artist  of  Harper's  Weekly  or  Frank  Leslie  s  Illus 
trated  ! — Oh !  let  us  commit  suicide,  and  be  first  in  the 
book  of  Confederate  martyrs,  as  a  lovely  matron  and 
maid,  who  died  rather  than  live  under  the  flag  to  which 
they  had  taken  the  oath  of  allegiance,  to  save  their 
property !  I  wish,"  she  added  with  a  sigh,  which  moved 
me  to  tears,  "that  the  whole  Southern  Confederacy 
would  commit  suicide !" 

This  noble  and  patriotic  sentiment  would  have  pre 
vailed,  only  we  wished  to  preserve  the  property  and 
make  some  more  money  out  of  the  Yankees ;  and  so 
we  decided  that  every  time  we  went  out  of  the  house, 
we  would  go  bolt  across  the  street  and  walk  on  the 
other  side  until  we  had  passed  the  hateful  flag,  and  then 
recross  the  street,  thus  omitting  to  walk  under  it.  And 
the  ladies  went  and  took  down  the  name  and  number 
of  the  man  who  had  committed  this  outrage  against  the 
Confederacy,  and  I  immediately  sent  the  memorandum 
on  to  Jeff.  Davis,  asking  his  protection. 


TELEGRAM   TO   JEFF.    DAVIS.  33 

Just  before  leaving  l^ew  Orleans,  I  got  very  drunk. 
In  that  state  I  went  to  the  telegraph  office  and  got 
Bulkley  to  send  the  following  dispatch  to  Jeff.  Davis  : 

"  DEAR  JAVIS  : — Honor  report  drunkenness  alarming 
extent.  Banks's  army  thoroughly  demented — 18  divi 
sions  actual  mutiny  manifestations  increasing  ladies 
true  great  want  of  Madisonville  bread  and  whisky. 
Full  particulars  iii  full  letters  by  next  dispatch.  Block 
ade  broken  and  Federal  fleet  sunk.  MAC. 

I  fear  the  head  of  the  new  nation  can't  comprehend 
the  above,  but.it  is  less  obscure  than  the  Southern  Con 
federacy,  and  he  professes  to  understand  that. 
Yours  untiringly, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEESOZST. 

P.  S. — My  Idiotic  Boy  is  preparing  an  attack  on  the 
Know  Nothings  and  Pilgrim  Fathers,  which  will  be 
sent  to  the  True  Delta,  for  publication. 

J.  B.  M. 

2* 


34:  THE   MACPHEKSON   LETTEE8. 


CHAPTEE  Y. 

MACPHERSON,  JOURNEYING  TO  MADISONVILLE,  SEES  THE  GREAT 
CONFEDERATE  CROSS  IN  THE  HEAVENS. — HE  is  SEIZED  BY 
ARIZONIAN  GUERILLAS,  AND  TAKEN  TO  THE  PLACE  OF  EX 
ECUTION. — His  ESCAPE  FROM  DEATH,  ETC. 

NOTE. — The  New  Orleans  Picayune,  of  March  7th,  contained  the 
following  extraordinary  announcement  of  a  great  phenomenon  in 
the  heavens : 

A  Cuoss  IN  THE  HEAVENS. — A  well-defined  cross  was  seen  in  the 
sky  over  Kingston,  N.  C.,  some  two  Aveeks  since.  A  correspondent, 
writing  from  that  point  to  the  Wilmington  (N.  C.)  Journal,  gives  the 
following  description  of  the  phenomenon : 

"  The  moon  rose  cloudless.  At  a  little  before  seven  o'clock,  two 
bright  spots,  some  twelve  degrees  (Qr.  in  extent  ?)  were  visible,  one 
North  and  the  other  South,  and  immediately  thereafter  a  cross  was 
seen  in  the  heavens,  the  moon  joining  the  four  arms  of  the  cross. 
About  half-past  eight  o'clock  the  Northern  light  went  out,  but  the 
cross  and  the  spot  to  the  South  remained  until  past  ten,  when  I  re 
tired.  Can  any  one  tell  when  the  cross  appeared  before  since  the 
days  of  Constantine,  when  the  letters  of  I.  H.  S.  accompanied  the 
sign?" 

Sibley,  it  is  known,  commanded  a  body  of  Arizonian  cavalry ;  and 
a  detachment  of  these  wild  and  irregular  troops  one  day  "  gobbled" 
a  correspondent  of  THE  ERA.  He  was  made  to  follow  them  nineteen 
hours,  when  he  was  released  in  consideration  of  his  gold  watch  and 
fifty  dollars.  The  Memphis  Appeal  was  in  high  favor  with  the  seces 
sionists  of  New  Orleans,  and  its  reports  of  rebel  successes  were  about 
as  truthful  as  the  account  contained  in  Macpherson's  letter.  The 
guerillas  were  much  given  to  destroying  the  telegraph  within  our 
lines. 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 

February  14th,  1863. 

SIB  : — I  approach  my  subject  with  awe  and  supersti 
tion. 

I  am  the  illuminated  Confederate  who  saw  the  Great 
Cross  in  the  Heavens,  described  by  the  "Wilmington 


NARROW    ESCAPE   FEOM   DEATH.  35 

Journal,  and  reverently  believed  by  the  New  Orleans 
Picayune. 

It  will  be  remembered  that,  on  the  occasion  of  my 
recent  visit  to  New  Orleans,  where  I  took  the  oath  of 
allegiance  to  the  United  States,  in  order  to  get  some 
thing  to  eat,  I  left  that  city  in  a  state  of  beastly  intox 
ication.  In  one  pocket  of  my  breeches  I  had  a  bottle 
of  whisky,  and  in  the  other  a  copy  of  the  Picayune^ 
of  the  7th  inst. 

As  I  crossed  the  line  and  set  foot  upon  the  sacred 
soil  of  my  beloved  Confederacy,  I  cried  aloud  :  "  Hail, 
sweet  Confederacy ! — land  of  my  ancestors ! — land  for 
which  George  Washington  was  shot  at  by  an  Indian 
seventeen  times,  in  a  single  battle ! — for  which  Jackson 
fought  at  New  Orleans  —  for  which  Burgoyne  sur 
rendered  at  Saratoga  Springs,  as  thousands  have  done 
since ! — welcome  thy  faithful  Macpherson  once  more  to 
thy  Confederate  bosom!  "What  graphic  recollections 
of  hunger  and  thirst  crowd  upon  my  patriotic  mind,  as 
I  tread  again  thy  consecrated  soil  with  a  new  pair  of 
shoes !  For  thy  sake,  I  see  Ethan  Allen  demanding 
the  surrender  of  Ticonderoga,  Columbus  prowling 
around  in  search  of  the  New  World,  and  the  Pilgrim 
Fathers  building  huts  in  the  wilds  of  New  England ! " 

Narrow  Escape  from,  Death. 

Just  at  this  stage  of  my  apostrophe,  I  was  startled 
by  a  loud  crash,  and  a  flashing  line  of  fire  from  the 
thicket  in  my  rear,  followed  by  a  voice  which  cried : 
"Die,  base  Yankee  dog!"  The  Confederate  picket 
had  been  deceived  by  my  allusion  to  the  Pilgrim 


36  THE   MACPHER3ON   LETTERS. 

Fathers  and  New  England,  and,  supposing  I  was  a 
Yankee,  had  fired  upon  me  a  whole  volley  of  Confed 
erate  musketry.  Overcome  by  a  strong  emotion  of 
fear,  I  fell  prostrate  upon  the  soil,  and  was  left  for  dead. 
But  gathering  myself  up,  I  soon  discovered  that  I  was 
as  alive  as  ever,  and  that  the  only  result  of  the  volley 
had  been  to  deprive  me  of  a  considerable  portion  of  my 
pantaloons. 

Grateful  for  my  deliverance  from  premature  and  un 
natural  homicide,  I  fell  into  a  train  of  serious  reflection-; 
and  conscience,  with  a  heavy  hand,  chastised  me  for 
approaching  my  native  land  in  a  state  of  beastly  in 
toxication.  I  therefore  fell  upon  my  knees,  and  took 
the  pledge  of  perpetual  temperance.  I  vowed  in  the 
most  solemn  manner  that  never  again,  while  life  should 
last  or  the  Confederacy  endure,  would  I,  under  any  cir 
cumstances,  taste,  touch,  or  handle  one  drop  of  spirituous 
or  malt  liquors,  wine,  Louisiana  rum,  or  cider.  I  then 
danced  a  double-shuffle,  and  chanted  the  Bonnie  Blue 
Flagjwi\h  a  snatch  of  Stonewall  Jacksoris  Grand  March. 

Overcome  by  patriotic  emotions,  I  determined  to 
modify  my  temperance  pledge  so  far  as  to  take  one  big 
swig  of  whisky.  And  as  I  had  now  come  within  sight 
of  Madisonville,  I  sat  down  by  the  fence,  and  taking 
the  bottle  from  my  pocket,  cried  aloud  :  "  O  Bacchus  ! 
son  of  Jupiter  and  Semele,  thou  the  victim  of  Juno's 
unrelenting  hatred,  who  didst  cause  the  women  of 

o 

Thebes  to  run  wildly  through  the  woods  like  Confed 
erate  Gorillas,  to  thee  I  dedicate  my  last  parting  drink !" 
I  then  took  the  biggest  swig  of  whisky  I  ever  took  in 
my  life,  and  the  effect  was  so  pleasing,  that  I  kept 
drinking  until  the  bottle  was  empty. 


37 


The  Vision. 


In  this  frame  of  mind,  and  while  still  seated  by  the 
highway,  under  the  fence,  I  imagined  myself  at  home 
in  my  own  room.  I  trust  I  shall  be  excused  for  allud 
ing  to  the  subject,  but  the  truth  of  history  requires  me 
to  state,  that  under  this  strange  impression  I  undressed 
myself  and  wrent  to  bed,  hanging  the  remnants  of  my 
pantaloons  on  a  fence  post,  believing  it  to  be  a  chair. 
Little  did  I  imagine  that  my  bed  was  Confederate  soil, 
and  my  shelter  the  brave  o'erhangirig  firmament,  the 
majestical  roof  fretted  with  golden  fire.  Yet,  so  it  was, 
and  there,  upon  the  all-nourishing  bosom  of  the  Con 
federacy,  there  on  the  highway,  in  the  sight  of  the 
spires  of  Madison ville,  I  lay  down  under  the  fence  and 
slept  the  sleep  of  intoxicated  innocence,  dreaming  of 
Jeff".  Davis,  the  Confederate  States  of  America,  Con- 
stantine,  Temperance,  Bacchus,  and  Macpherson. 

Now  it  was  that  a  wonderful  vision  broke  upon  my 
bewildered  gaze,  which  I  fear  the  English  language  is 
too  feeble  to  describe.  Nevertheless,  I  will  try. 

Nox  erat.  The  moon  arose  cloudless.  At  a  little 
before  seven  o'clock  two  bright  spots,  about  twelve 
degrees,  were  visible,  one  north  and  the  other  south, 
and  immediately  a  cross  was  seen  in  the  heavens,  the 
moon  joining  the  four  arms  of  the  cross.  About 
half-past  eight  o'clock  the  northern  light  went  out, 
but  the  cross  and  the  spot  to  the  south  remained 
until  past  ten,  when  I  became  too  drunk  to  look  at 
it  longer,  and  retired  again  to  the  soil  of  the  Confed 
eracy. 


38  THE    MACPHEESON   LETTEES. 

The  vision,  according  to  the  best  of  my  recollection, 
which,  I  admit,  is  somewhat  obscure,  presented  the  fol 
lowing  appearance : 


>EN  TOU-  (flPl  TO  NIKA.* 


As  I  have  already  stated,  the  northern  light  went 
out  at  half-past  eight  o'clock,  and  by  casting  his  eyes 
at  the  above  diagram  of  the  vision,  the  reader  will  per 
ceive  that  the  northern  light  was  Jeff.  Davis. 

Having  gone  to  sleep  at  half-past  ten,  I  turned  un 
easily  on  the  soil  and  partially  awoke,  exclaiming: 
"  Heaven  sends  miraculous  signs  whereby  it  maketh 
known  its  approval  of  the  Confederacy.  I  will  imbrue 
my  hands  in  Yankee  blood,  and  do  such  sanguinary 
deeds  as  will  make  the  name  of  Macpherson  synony 
mous  with  human  gore.  My  new  shoes  shall  become 
slippery  with  homicidal  claret." 

*  "  With  this  you  will  conquer."  The  words  seen  by  Constantino 
on  the  cross  in  the  sky. 


THE   ARIZONIAN   GORILLA.  39 

Advent  of  the  Arizonian  Gorilla. 

Just  at  this  stage  of  my  patriotic  address,  I  was  in 
terrupted  by  a  voice  like  that  of  Mars,  when  he  roared 
amid  the  ranks  of  the  contending  Greeks  and  Trojans, 
far  on  the  ringing  plains  of  windy  Troy.  It  said  : 

"  Death  to  the  c  American  fanatic  and  the  blind  and 
vindictive  Unionist !' " 

•  "  That  remark,"  I  replied,  arousing  myself,  "  is  a 
quotation  from  the  True  Delta's  editorial  of  the  12th 
inst.  Allow  me  to  inquire  to  whom  you  refer  in  that 
noble  and  patriotic  expression  ?" 

"  To  you,  vile  abolition  renegade ! — you,  'American 
fanatic  and  blind  and  vindictive  Unionist !' — you,  impu 
dent  hireling  of  Abraham  Lincoln,  a  bloodier  despot 
than  Nero — a  man  whose  shameless  and  sanguinary 
deeds,  compared  with  those  of  Caligula  or  Helioga 
balus,  stand  black  as  a  Congo  African  beside  a  spotless 
maiden !" 

"  Allow  me  to  inquire,"  I  responded,  "  to  whom  I  am 
indebted  for  the  expression  of  these  noble  and  patriotic 
sentiments,  at  this  lonely  hour,  while  the  celestial  vision 
whispers  peace  to  my  Confederate  bosom  ?" 

"  I  am  the  Arizonian,"' he  shouted,  while  the  woods 
trembled  with  the  roar  of  his  beautiful  voice  ;  "  I  am 
the  Chief  Gorilla,  whose  will  is  Confederate  law.  I 
am  the  bloody  avenger  of  my  country's  wrongs — the 
gobbler-up  of  Yankee  emissaries  and  ERA  correspond 
ents,  whose  purpose  to  tear  out  thy  vile  heart  is  as 
relentless  as  destiny.  I  am  Don  Antonio  Maria  de 
Santiago  Sibley  !"  And  then  he  smote  his  breast  and 
howled. 


4:0  THE   MACPHERSON    LETTERS. 

"  Pardon  me,"  I  replied,  "  for  interrupting  you  ;  but 
allow  rne  to  inquire  if  you  have  the  latest  news  through 
Southern  sources  ?" 

He  then  drew  from  his  pocket  the  latest  Memphis 
Appeal,  and  read  as  follows : 

"  We  have  to  record  a  great  Confederate  victory  over 
the  Hessians,  at  Madisonville,  but  the  lateness  of  the 
hour  and  the  scarcity  of  rum  will  not  permit  us  to  give 
full  details.  Suffice  it  to  say  that  Gen.  Bragg  passed* 
through  Madisonville  on  the  12th  inst.  with  a  force  of 
four  hundred  thousand  volunteers,  and  after  marching 
forty-five  miles  encountered  the  Yankees  with  greatly 
superior  numbers.  The  fight  lasted  eighteen  hours,  and 
the  Yankees  were  totally  routed. 

"  On  the  first  discharge  of  our  musketry,  fifteen  thou 
sand  Ohio  troops  fell  dead.  At  the  close  of  the  en 
gagement  we  buried  two  hundred  and  eighty-seven 
thousand  of  the  enemy's  slain.  Not  a  man  was  hurt  on 
our  side,  notwithstanding  we  were  exposed  to  a  terrible 
and  destructive  fire  from  the  enemy's  batteries  for  a  day 
and  a  half. 

"Nine  hundred  batteries,  two  hundred  thousand 
prisoners,  a  million  stand  of  arms,  nineteen  major-gen 
erals,  and  thirty  thousand  commissioned  officers  are 
among  the  spoils  of  our  victory.  The  commissioned 
officers  will  be  turned  over  to  Gov.  Moore  for  execution, 
and  the  privates  will  be  offered  double  pay  and  com 
missions  to  join  the  Confederate  service. 

"  Gen.  Bragg  will  reach  New  Orleans  on  the  13th 
inst.,  at  daylight. 

"  Stonewall  Jackson  is  at  Madisonville  with  eighty- 
four  thousand  prisoners. 


CONFEDERATE   WAR   BULLETINS.  41 

Later. 

"  JNTot  one  of  the  enemy  survived.  Those  who  were 
not  killed  were  mortally  wounded. 

"  England  has  recognized  the  Southern  Confederacy, 
and  a  French  fleet  has  blockaded  E"ew  York  and  Phil 
adelphia.  Lincoln  is  a  prisoner. 

Still  Later. 

"  We  regret  to  learn  that  Gen.  Bragg's  victory  was 
not  so  decisive  as  at  first  supposed.  He  has  fallen  back 
upon  Madison  ville,  and  thinks  he  will  be  able  to  hold 
his  position. 

Latest. 

"  The  enemy  is  in  full  possession  of  the  field,  and  has 
advanced  two  miles.  It  is  believed  that  Gen.  Bragg's 
loss  is  but  little  more  than  that  of  the  enemy.  Full 
particulars  in  our  next  edition." 

As  the  Gorilla  read  the  above  reliable  intelligence,  I 
had  an  opportunity  to  survey  the  extraordinary  person 
before  me.  His  brow  was  dark  almost  to  blackness ; 
his  shoulders  were  as  broad  as  those  of  Hercules ;  his 
breast  was  covered  with  a  shaggy  Confederate  blanket, 
and  his  breeches  were  made  of  leather.  His  beard  and 
hair  nearly  swept  the  ground,  while  his  head  was  sur 
mounted  by  a  hat  with  a  broad  and  dilapidated  brim. 
He  carried  a  lasso  in  his  hand,  and  hurling  it  with 
Arizonian  agility,  he  caught  me  round  the  neck  and 
drew  me  to  his.  horse's  feet  with  the  strength  of  Dr. 
Windship.  He  then  ordered  me  to  prepare  to  march 
immediately  to  the  place  of  execution. 


42  THE   MACPHEKSON   LETTEES. 

The  Vision  Explained. 

As  I  took  my  unmentionables  from  the  fence,  I  found, 
much  to  my  astonishment,  that  the  two  arms  of  the 
cross  disappeared,  and  I  discovered  that  the  fence  stake 
on  which  they  had  been  hanging,  formed  the  upright 
part  of  the  great  celestial  vision,  and  that  the  moon, 
shining  through  the  large  hole  in  the  above-mentioned 
garment,  had  given  it  the  appearance  of  joining  the 
four  arms  of  the  cross,  while  the  Greek  inscription  and 
the  cabalistic  letters  were  easily  accounted  for  by  the 
vividness  of  my  imagination,  and  the  presence  of  the 
Picayune  in  one  of  my  pockets. 

"  Idiot !"  shouted  the  Gorilla,  "  mount  a  steed  and 
make  haste,  for  to-morrow  tbou  shalt  die."  I  obeyed, 
and  we  started  off,  the  squadron  all  singing  a  song  of 
which  I  remember  only  the  following : 

"  I  am  the  bold  Gorilla ; 

I  wears  a  ragged  shirt ; 
My  face  is  like  Attila, 
All  covered  o'er  with  dirt. 

'  Upon  the  Mississippi, 
I  walk  along  so  sly, 
A-watching  for  to  whip  a 
Gunboat  a-sailing  by. 

"  We've  stolen  many  chickens, 

We've  emptied  many  a  cup ; 
We've  given  the  Yankees  lickings  ; 
We  are  the  Gobblers-up !" 

This  beautiful  and  patriotic  song  was  interrupted  by 
the  sight  of  a  telegraph  pole,  which  immediately  in 
spired  the  Gorilla  and  his  followers  with  uncontrollable 


MACPHEESON   RANSOMS   HIMSELF.  43 

rage.  "  Cut  tlie  connection !"  was  the  shout,  and  dash 
ing  boldly  forward  in  line,  they  demolished  the  tele 
graph  pole,  and  cut  the  wire  in  thirty-five  pieces  with 
their  sabres  ;  after  which  we  resumed  our  march,  over 
rough  and  dangerous  roads,  impenetrable  swamps,  and 
impassable  bayous,  occasionally  stopping  to  turn  a 
family  out  of  the  house,  or  to  rob  a  hen-roost. 

In  nineteen  hours  we  arrived  at  the  place  of  execu 
tion — a  beautiful  and  romantic  spot,  surrounded  by 
mud  and  overhung  with  cypress-trees.  "Now,"  said 
the  Arizonian,  "  prepare  for  instant  death  !" 

"  Is  there  nothing,"  I  asked,  "  that  will  change  thy 
relentless  purpose  ?" 

"  Nary,"  ^e  replied.  "  I  am  a  patriot,  and  no  base 
considerations  move  me.  I  despise  the  Yankees  for 
their  speculations — their  mean  tricks  of  traffic  ;  I  hate 
them,  because  they  may  be  approached  with  bribes, 
and  will  sell  out  for  gold  or  greenbacks.  But,  as  for 
me,"  he  continued,  haughtily  smiting  his  bosom,  "I 
am  swayed  on4y  by  chivalric  devotion  to  my  country. 
I  was  educated  at  West  Point,  at  the  expense  of  the 
United  States,  and  think  I  got  the  best  of  the  Yankees 
when  I  turned  against  them,  notwithstanding  their 
shrewdness.  So  did  Beaure^ard.  But  to  what  didst 

O 

thou  allude,  Macpherson,  when  thou  didst  ask  if  any 
thing  might  not  change  my  purpose  ?" 

"  I  alluded,"  was  my  answer,  "  to  the  condition  of 
the  exchequer.  I  know  that  such  patriots  must  live, 
and  that  Confederate  hen-roosts  are  much  exhausted, 
and  on  condition  that  you  spare  my  valuable  life,  I 
will  contribute  to  your  financial  resources." 

"  Hast  a  gold  watch  ?"  asked  the  unselfish  patriot. 


44  THE   MACPIIEESOJST   LETTEES. 

"I  have." 

"  Hast  greenbacks  ?" 

"  I  have." 

"Greenbacks,"  quoth  the  Gorilla,  "  are  not  as  good 
as  JSTew  Orleans  shinplasters  and  car-tickets.  I  prefer 
ragged  three-dollar  bills  cut  in  two  in  the  middle,  for 
they  remind  me  of  charity  concerts,  the  proceeds  of 
which  are  used  to  clothe  Confederate  prisoners." 

"  Thy  wish  shall  be  gratified,  most  noble  of  patriots !" 
I  answered ;  "  I  will  give  thee  my  gold  watch,  and  $50 
in  cut  bills,  in  exchange  for  my  valuable  life." 

"  I  consider  I  have  got  the  best  of  the  bargain,"  said 
the  Gorilla,  as  he  smilingly  appropriated  the  money 
and  watch.  "  Macpherson,  thou  hast  paid  more  than 
thy  life  is  worth." 

I  then  returned  to  Madisonville,   thinking  of  the 
noble  patriotism  of  those  men,  actuated  only  by  the 
love  of  the  new  nation,  and  longing  in  my  heart  to 
kill  a  Yankee  or  destroy  a  telegraph  pole. 
Yours,  perseveringly,       • 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEESON. 


THE    MACPHEESON    FESTIVAL.  4:5 


CHAPTEE  YI. 

A  FULL  ACCOUNT  OF  THE  GREAT  MACPHERSON  FESTIVAL  AT 

THE    HOUSE    OF    THE    NoBLE    WOMAN,  IN    NEW    ORLEANS. 

NOTE. — Previous  to  the  departure  of  the  British  war-vessel  Rinal- 
do  from  the  port  of  New  Orleans,  in  the  spring  of  1863,  a  party  was 
given  to  the  officers  of  that  ship  at  the  house  of  a  secessionist,  in 
great  secrecy.  The  officers  had,  on  every  occasion,  exhibited  their 
sympathy  for  the  rebel  cause,  and  the  party  was  composed  only  of 
faithful  secessionists.  The  toasts,  songs,  and  all  proceedings  were 
of  the  worst  rebel  description.  A  flag  of  the  United  States  was 
thrown  under  the  table,  where  all  present  trampled  upon  it,  and  the 

rebel  colors  were  displayed  and  honored. The  tickets  of  the  New 

Orleans  City  Railroad  Company  are  used  for  small  change,  their 

value  being  a  -picayune — five  cents. At  the  time  this  letter  was 

written,  the  secessionists  confidently  expected  "  Stonewall"  Jackson 
to  capture  the  city.  Indeed,  the  race  of  those  who  expect  to  see  the 
rebel  power  re-established  in  New  Orleans,  is  not  yet  extinct ;  but  as 
the  armies  of  the  "  Confederacy"  are  driven  back  and  defeated  by 
our  forces,  the  rumors  of  large  rebel  armies,  just  ready  to  dash  in 
upon  the  city,  become  more  vague  and  less  frequent. 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 

March  21st,  1863. 

SIR  : — I  arrived  in  New  Orleans  on  Saturday,  ac 
companied  by  my  Idiotic  Boy,  and  had  scarcely  regis 
tered  my  name  at  the  St.  Charles,  when  I  was  imme 
diately  surrounded  by  a  great  crowd  of  admiring 
friends,  who  thanked  me  for  my  able  defense  of  the 
Confederacy,  and  for  my  brilliant  assaults  upon  the 
United  States.  I  replied,  that  the  Confederacy  alone 
was  worthy  of  our  devotions,  and  that  I  received  their 
kind  remarks,  not  as  a  compliment  to  me,  but  to  the 
Confederacy  I  represented ;  and  they  admitted  that 
such  was  the  fact.  I  had  long  believed  that  I  was  a 


46  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

descendant  of  German  ancestors,  and  in  order  to  settle 
the  question  definitely,  I  measured  heads  with  a  Dutch 
man,  and  as  our  heads  were  exactly  of  the  same  size,  I 
considered  my  Gothic  descent  fully  established. 

But  the  principal  object  of  my  visit  to  the  city  was 
to  accept  the  invitation  of  a  Noble  "Woman — a  widow, 
whose  husband  has  lost  his  life  in  the  cause  of  the  Con 
federacy.  This  lady,  charmed  both  by  my  patriotism 
and  my  literary  abilities,  had  begged  that  I  would  visit 
her,  in  company  with  my  Idiotic  Boy,  and  promised  to 
give  me  a  grand  dinner  and  festival  if  I  should  accept ; 
and  I  will  now  give  you  a  full  account  of 

The  Great  Maepherson  Festival. 

I  found,  011  entering  the  house,  that  the  most  elabo 
rate  preparations  had  been  made  for  my  reception,  and 
neither  time,  car-tickets,  nor  labor  had  been  spared  to 
make  the  occasion  worthy  of  the  great  purpose. 

A  mammoth  hoop-skirt  had  been  manufactured  ex 
pressly  for  the  banquet,  so  large  that  it  filled  the  whole 
room.  This  was  spread  over  the  table  and  surmounted 
by  a  Confederate  flag  a  hundred  and  sixty  feet  long, 
the  whole  forming  a  beautiful  and  spacious  canopy. 
The  Noble  Woman  and  her  daughters  had  a  Confed 
erate  flag  in  each  breadth  of  skirt,  while  a  miniature 
flag-staff  had  been  fixed  into  the  back  of  their  heads, 
from  which  gracefully  streamed  the  emblem  of  the  new 
nation,  and  saucy  rebel  rosettes  covered  their  craniums, 
beautifully  mingling  and  contrasting  the  Confederate 
colors  with  the  darkness  of  their  shining  raven  locks. 

The  concave  of  the  spacious  canopy  was  decorated 


47 

with  appropriate  mottoes  and  inscriptions,  painted  in 
beautiful  red  ink,  which  would  make  a  column  of  the 
ERA  ;  but  I  shall  give  only  a  few  of  the  most  striking, 
to-wit : 

"  Oh,  welcome,  great  Macpherson ! 
Our  hearts  no  more  are  light ; 
We  breathe  a  bitter  curse  on 
Our  Yankee  foes  to-night." 

"  THE  CONFEDERACY  :  It  must  and  shall  be  pre 
served." — Andrew  Jackson  Dams. 

"  DIE,  BASE  YANKEE  DOG  !" — James  B.  Macpher 
son. 

"I  AM  OPPOSED  TO  NEGROES  IN  THE  ABSTRACT." — 
Ibid. 

As  I  entered  the  house,  followed  by  my  Idiotic  Boy, 
the  Noble  Woman  advanced,  and  bowing  in  a  stately 
and  inviting  manner,  said  :  "  Welcome,  great  Confeder 
ate  ! — Literary  Light  of  Madisonville  and  New  Orleans ! 
— you  who  have  defended  us  when  our  rights  were  in 
peril,  and  stood  up  to  the  scratch  when  Lovell  sold  the 
city  to  Farragut ! — we  wish  to  pay  a  tribute  to  your 
great  abilities,  which  is  only  equalled  by  your  devotion 
to  the  Confederacy."  To  which  I  replied,  that  I  did 
not  regard  this  as  a  compliment  to  me  personally,  but 
to  the  Confederacy  I  represented.  A  nigger  fiddler, 
who  had  been  hired  for  the  performance,  now  struck 
up  Beauregarffs  March,  and  we  all  danced  a  jig  around 
the  table. 

A  retired  and  secluded  residence  had  been  selected, 
and  the  door  was  locked,  double-bolted,  and  chained, 
while  the  windows  were  barricaded  with  empty  barrels 
and  cotton  bales,  to  hide  the  light  and  prevent  the 


48  THE   MACPHEESON    LETTERS. 

noise  being  heard  outside.  "These  precautions  are 
necessary,"  said  the  Noble  Woman,  "  because  the  peo 
ple  of  New  Orleans  live  in  a  condition  of  abject  bond 
age.  We  are  not  permitted  to  arm  ourselves  against 
the  United  States,  nor  to  keep  heavy  ordnance  in  our 
houses  preparatory  to  a  Confederate  insurrection,  nor 
can  we  have  Confederate  processions  unless  \ve  attend 
funerals,  nor  boldly  hurrah  for  Jeff.  Davis." 

"  Unhappy  people  !"  I  exclaimed,  my  heart  wrung 
with  the  deepest  pity ;  "  you  remind  me  of  Prometheus, 
the  son  of  lapetus,  and  the  instructor  of  mortals,  who 
is  said  to  have  surpassed  all  men  in  sagacity.  For 
having  brought  fire  from  heaven  to  earth  in  a  hollow 
cane,  he  was  chained  to  a  rock  with  an  eagle  to  prey 
upon  his  liver.  Even  so,  enslaved  ones,  are  you  bound 
to  an  unhappy  destiny,  with  bands  of  iron  and  hooks 
of  steel,  and  the  American  eagle  is  gnawing  out  your 
vitals.  But  let  not  your  hearts  be  filled  with  despair, 
for  in  thirty  thousand  years  Hercules,  the  son  of  Jupiter, 
hastened  to  his  relief,  snapped  asunder  his  bonds,  and 
he,  Prometheus  still,  arose  clothed  with  all  the  dignity 
of  Southern  independence.  And  as  promptly  as  Her 
cules  hastened  to  the  relief  of  Prometheus,  shall  Stone 
wall  Jackson  come  to  snap  the  Yankee  bonds  which 
chain  this  enslaved  people  to  an  unhappy  destiny,  and 
you  shall  arise  and  shine  in  the  light  of  the  Confed 
eracy  !  He  may  be  expected  Anno  Domini  31,863,  if 
nothing  happens,  meantime,  to  prevent.  Were  it  not 
for  the  scarcity  of  provisions  existing  at  Madisonville, 
I  would  invite  the  enslaved  populace  to  visit  that  classi 
cal  town,  and  extend  to  all  the  freedom  of  the  city  in 
a  box.  But  at  present  that  is  impracticable." 


THE   NOBLE   WOMAN?S   ADDRESS.  49 

A  great  many  guests  had  been  invited,  male  and 
female,  and  all  of  them  first-class  Confederates,  and 
neutral  citizens  and  foreign  subjects.  No  small-fr y  were 
present,  I  assure  you. 

I  was  introduced  to  each  one,  and  they  all  compli 
mented  me  until  I  blushed ;  but  I  told  them  I  did  not 
consider  it  a  compliment  to  me  personally,  but  to  the 
Confederacy  which  I  represented. 

At  last  the  time  came  for  dinner,  and  we  formed  a 
procession  in  the  parlor  and  marched  in  under  the 
magnificent  canopy.  As  I  entered  the  room,  the  nigger 
struck  up,  "Hail  to  the  Chief!"  when  the  whole  assem 
bly  gave  three  cheers  for  Macpherson  and  Jeff.  Davis. 
I  replied  :  "  I  thank  you  for  these  manifestations  of  your 
kindness,  but  I  do  not  consider  it  a  compliment  to  me 
personally,  but  to  the  Confederacy  which  I  represent." 
Whereupon  we  all  sat  down. 

Two  niggers  then  entered  the  room  with  a  United 
States  flag  in  a  miniature  coffin.  It  was  taken  out  and 
spread  under  the  table,  and  we  all  tramped  on  it.  Then 
the  nigger  played  the  Mansfield  Lowell  Quickstep  up 
the  Jackson  Railroad,  when  the  Noble  Woman  said : 
"  Ladies  and  gentlemen — we  have  assembled  this  night 
to  honor  the  great  light  of  Confederate  literature,  James 
B.  Macpherson.  [Deafening  sensation.]  I  have  erected 
this  hoopskirt  canopy  as  an  appropriate  emblem  of  the 
courage,  valor,  and  daring  deeds  of  the  Confederates 
who  still  reside  in  New  Orleans.  For,  to  the  disgrace 
of  the  United  States  be  it  said,  such  is  the  uninterrupted 
and  infamous  tyranny  under  which  we  groan,  that  the 
brave  sons  of  the  Confederacy  who  now  inhabit  this 
unhappy  city,  and  even  French  subjects  and  British 

3 


50  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

sailors,  are  compelled  to  seek  protection  and  safety 
amid  the  skirts  of  our  beautiful  women  ;  and  here  alone 
it  is,  in  secluded  places,  with  double-Bolted  doors  and 
barricaded  windows,  with  hushed  voices  and  throbbing 
hearts,  stimulated  by  champagne  and  nigger-fiddling, 
and  overshadowed  and  concealed  by  a  mammoth  skirt, 
that  we  are  permitted  to  trample  upon  the  flag  of  the 
United  States,  that  detestable  emblem  of  despotism, 
whose  stripes  are  painted  with  innocent  Confederate 
blood,  and  whose  stars  are  more  malignant  than  Sinus !" 

As  the  Noble  Woman  uttered  the  closing  sentence  of 
her  eloquent  invective,  an  electric  shock  of  patriotic 
rage  ran  around  the  table,  similar  to  that  which  one 
would  experience  holding  on  to  a  galvanic  battery  or 
grabbing  the  electric  eel,  and  rising  to  our  feet  we  swore 
eternal  and  undying  devotion  to  the  Confederacy.  The 
Noble  Woman  then  said  that  as  I  had  not  had  any  thing 
to  eat  for  several  days,  I  had  better  proceed  uninter 
ruptedly  with  my  dinner,  and  speak  afterward.  To 
which  I  replied  that  I  did  not  regard  it  as  a  compli 
ment  to  me  personally,  but  to  the  Confederacy  which  I 
represented.  Having  eaten,  the  cloth  was  removed,  and 
then  it  was  that  the  fun  commenced.  The  first  regular 
toast  was  given  by  the  Noble  Woman.  It  was : 

"  MACPHERSON." 

The  whole  assembly  arose,  and  I  was  drunk  standing, 
when  the  audience  called  out :  "  Speech ! "  To  which 
I  replied  :  "  I  thank  you,  enslaved  citizens  of  New  Or 
leans,  lovely  women  with  shining  locks,  and  eyes  radiant 
with  beauty,  countenances  rivalling  those  which  come 
to  us  in  our  dreams  of  fairy-land — brave  and  stalwart 
men,  devoted  to  the  Confederacy,  but  prudently  wait- 


THE   REGULAR    TOASTS.  51 

ing  for  the  coming  of  Stonewall  Jackson  before  you 
risk  your  lives  in  the  glorious  cause — French  subjects 
and  English  mariners,  justly  abusive  towards  the  United 
States,  and  enjoying  its  protection — I  thank  you  all  for 
this  spontaneous  and  undeserved  manifestation  of  your 
good-will,  but  I  do  not  regard  it  as  a  compliment  to 
me  personally,  but  to  the  Confederacy  I  represent." 

The  second  regular  toast  was  then  announced : 

"  DEATH  TO  THE  YANKEES." 

Drunk  standing,  and  music  by  the  nigger. 

Third  regular  toast :  "  CONFUSION  TO  FARRAGUT." 

At  the  mention  of  this  name  the  whole  assembly 
turned  pale,  except  the  nigger,  who  instantly  struck  up 
the  Ham  Hollins  Polka.  Unable  to  restrain  my  rage, 
I  emptied  two  bottles  without  stopping. 

Fourth  regular  toast :  "  JEFF.  DAVIS  AND  THE  SOUTH 
ERN  CONFEDERACY — may  they  float  over  the  North 
American  continent,  so  long  as  a  loyal  Confederate  is 
hunting  for  the  last  ditch." 

Air :  Bragg^s  Murfreesboro"*  Lament. 

Fifth  regular  toast :  "  THE  PRESS  OF  NEW  ORLEANS." 

Response  by  my  Idiotic  Boy,  James  Buchanan  Mac- 
pherson,  Jr.,  whose  noble  and  patriotic  address  was  re 
ceived  with  shouts  of  applause;  and  the  moment  my 
Idiotic  Boy  sat  down,  he  was  surrounded  by  the  great 
est  secessionists  of  the  city,  and  by  foreign  subjects, 
who  shook  him  by  the  hand,  and  told  him  he  talker1 
much  like  their  greatest  sages,  that  he  ought  no  long<_ 
to  be  called  an  idiot. 

But  a  chap  who  hadn't  said  much  previously,  but  had 
sat  reading  the  newspapers,  approached  me  and  said : 
"  Mr.  Macpherson — for  your  genius  and  patriotism  I 


52  THE   MACPHEK8ON    LETTERS. 

have  the  greatest  respect ;  but  as  for  your  boy,  he  is  a 
humbug.  The  speech  which  he  palmed  off  on  the 
audience  is  not  original,  but  was  stolen  bodily  from  the 
Picayunes  editorials  of  the  17th  and  19th  inst.,  with 
a  few  alterations  for  the  better ;  and  for  my  part,  I  con 
sider  the  young  man's  idiocy  fully  established."  He 
then  handed  me  copies  of  the  papers  referred  to,  and, 
upon  examining  them,  I  found  that  my  poor  boy  had 
copied  his  speech,  word  for  word,  from  them,  with  some 
trifling  alterations,  and  I  ordered  him  to  leave  the 
house.  "  The  name  of  Macpherson,"  I  said,  "  is  the 
synonym  of  honor,  and  the  undying  antagonist  of  pla 
giarism,  and  I  do  this  to  show. you  that  the  man  whom 
you  this  night  feed,  will  sacrifice  paternal  endearment 
to  the  principles  of  integrity." 

Volunteer  toasts  were  now  called  for,  and  arising 
with  my  most  fascinating  bow,  I  proposed,  "THE 
LADIES."  To  which  the  Noble  "Woman  responded: 
"  The  ladies  of  this  City,  that  is, "them  that  deserves  to 
be  called  ladies,  is  true  to  the  Confederacy;  for  the 
moment  that  a  female  is  decently  civil  to  a  Yankee,  she 
should,  and  in  my  estimation  does,  forfeit  the  name  of 
lady.  I  hope  the  time  will  come  when,  like  the  royal 
Saxons,  from  whom  we  have  descended,  we  may  drink 
champagne  from  the  skulls  of  our  enemies ;  and  when 
the  freedom  of  speech  and  of  the  press  shall  be  restored, 
so  that  those  who  whisper  Union  may  be  hung  to  a 
lamp-post." 

As  the  Noble  Woman  uttered  these  sublime  and 
patriotic  sentiments,  I  was  animated  with  overpowering 
admiration,  and  springing  to  my  feet,  I  cried :  '  O 
Hebe !  step-daughter  of  cloud-compelling  Jove,  and 


MACPHEE8ON    IN   DISGRACE.  D6 

spouse  of  serpent-strangling  Hercules,  now  indeed  do  I 
believe  that  Jupiter  dismissed  thee  from  the  skies,  and 
sent  thee  to  New  Orleans  !  Such  elevated  sentiments 
as  the  beautiful  being  before  me  has  expressed,  could 
not  have  emanated  from  lips  wholly  mortal,  and  verily 
do  I  believe  that  the  sweet  orator  who  just  took  her 
seat  is  the  Hebe  of  the  South,  crowned  with  immortal 
youth!" 

Champagne  now  flowed  down  the  table  in  torrents, 
and  the  scene  became  one  of  unalloyed  enjoyment. 
Youth,  beauty,  genius,  there  mingled  together  in  songs 
of  sweet  accord  to  the  Confederacy,  until  one  by  one 
the  guests  disappeared,  leaving  me  alone  beneath  the 
spacious  canopy,  with  an  unfinished  bottle  before  me. 
I  tried  to  think  of  a  subject  for  my  next  letter,  but  all 
was  dim,  uncertain,  and  confused.  As  clouds  driven  by 
the  winds  chase  each  other  fitfully  across  the  pale 
moon's  face,  even  so  flitted  the  thoughts  and  visions  of 
the  undersigned ;  and  as  the  hollow  sea  at  last  engulfs 
the  wrecked  mariners  struggling  vainly  for  life,  even  so 
were  the  thoughts  of  Macpherson,  vainly  struggling 
for  shape,  form,  and  consistency,  lost  in  the  wide  ocean 
of  unconsciousness. 

And  in  conclusion,  let  me  warn  young  men  never  to 
drink  any  thing  intoxicating  ;  for  now  it  was  that  the 
name  of  Macpherson  was  first  brought  into  disgrace. 
I  fell  under  the  table  in  a  condition  of  drunken  insen 
sibility,  from  which  I  was  partially  aroused  the  next 
morning  by  a  scream  from  the  Noble  "Woman  and  her 
daughters. 

They,  in  fact,  entered  the  dining-room  the  next 
morning  after  the  great  festival,  and  there  discovered 


54  THE   MACPHEKSON    LETTEKS. 

me  stretched  upon  the  floor,  with  the  detested  flag 
which  we  had  so  eagerly  trodden  tinder  foot  wrapped 
about  my  person,  as  I  had  mistaken  it  for  a  Confederate 
blanket.  Incensed  at  an  insult  so  gross,  the  Noble 
Woman  and  her  daughters,  without  giving  me  time  to 
arouse  and  explain,  fell  upon  me  with  broomsticks  and 
pokers,  driving  me  into  the  street.  I  was  still  too 
drunk  to  realize  what  had  happened,  and  actually 
walked  the  whole  length  of  Canal-street  wrapped  in 
the  folds  of  that  detested  flag,  exciting  the  admiration 
of  all  Yankees,  the  indignation  of  Confederates,  the 
grin  of  darkies,  and  the  loud  yells  of  a  procession  of 
boys  who  followed  me  to  my  lodgings.  There  my  Idiotic 
Boy  tore  the  hated  emblem  from  the  person  of  his  ven 
erated  father,  and  we  put  back  to  Madisonville,  without 
stopping  once  to  drink. 

Yours  in  disgrace, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEESON. 


MACPHEESON   AS   A  PHILOSOPHER.  55 


CHAPTEE  VII. 

MACPHERSON  SETTING  UP  AS  A  CONFEDERATE  PHILOSOPHER 
EXPLAINS  THE  DISTINCTION  OF  RACES  TO  HIS  IDIOTIC  BOY. 
— ADVENT,  HISTORY,  AND  ADVENTURES  OF  THE  UNHAPPY 
Cuss. — MACPHERSON  CAPTURED  BY  DURYEA'S  ZOUAVES. — 
INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  "SOUTHERN  SOURCE,"  ETC.,  ETC. 

NOTE. — It  is  well  known  that  "the  chivalry"  were  accustomed,  be 
fore  the  war,  to  claim  for  themselves  superiority  of  blood,  culture, 

and  refinement. The  reader  will  need  no  instruction  to  recognize 

in  the  "  Unhappy  Cuss,"  a  representative  of  that  class  of  Northerners 
who  used  to  come  to  the  South,  and  change  their  principles  with  the 
climate  ;  and  who  were  prepared  to  change  them  as  often  as  their 

pecuniary  interests  required. Contraband  trade  across  Lake  Pont- 

chartrain  was  carried  on  to  a  considerable  extent,  and  at  great  risk ; 
the  cargoes  frequently  falling  into  the  hands  of  the  military.  But 
when  the  rascals  succeeded  in  eluding  the  military  and  getting  their 

cargoes  into  the  market,  they  realized  rich  returns. About  the 

time  this  letter  was  written,  Pontchatoula,  a  village  in  Eastern 
Louisiana,  was  captured  by  an  expedition  under  Colonel  Clark,  jcon- 
sisting  of  the  Sixth  Michigan  regiment  and  the  Second  Duryea's 

Zouaves  (165th  New  York). "  News  through  Southern  Sources," 

was  the  title  under  which  the  secession  press  of  New  Orleans  was  ac 
customed  to  publish  the  mild  sensation  reports  of  rebel  victories 
that  were  sent  from  Jackson  and  Mobile,  to  comfort  the  faithful  seces 
sionists  of  the  Crescent  City.  These  reports  were  frequently  without 
the  slightest  foundation  in  truth,  and  the  "  Southern  Source"  became 
the  synonym  of  unblushing  mendacity. 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 

March  28th,  1863. 

SER  : — It  was  a  cloudless  and  lovely  afternoon,  and  a 
refreshing  breeze  brought  to  my  nostrils  all  the  com 
mingled  odors  of  Madisonville,  as  I  sat  in  the  open  door 
of  my  Hospitable  Abode,  half  asleep.  My  mind  wandered 
back  to  Plato,  the  greatest  philosopher  of  the  Greeks,  and 


56  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTERS. 

I  therefore  determined  to  set  up  as  a  Confederate  Philos 
opher.  It  was  not  long  before  an  opportunity  of  enter 
ing  upon  this  new  and  honorable  career  presented  itself; 
for  my  Idiotic  Boy  approached  and  asked  me  what  a 
Yankee  is.  I  replied :  "  An  abolitionist." 

"  What  is  an  abolitionist  ?"  inquired  the  imbecile 
youth. 

"  A  Hessian,"  I  answered. 

"  What  is  a  Hessian  ?"  persisted  the  youth. 

"  Sweet  Idiot !"  I  said,  "  the  human  family  is  divided 
into  two  great  classes — Southerners  and  Yankees.  The 
Southerners  are  a  superior  race,  and  inevitable  gentle 
men.  On  the  other  hand,  all  who  are  not  born  inside 
the  Confederate  lines  are  Yankees,  Abolitionists,  and 
Hessians,  which,  in  the  Confederate  lexicon,  are  synony 
mous  terms.  The  Yankees  are  an  inferior  race  by 
birth,  and  are  forever  unfit  to  associate  on  terms  of 
social  equality  with  Southerners.  My  advice  to  all 
future  generations  is,  Be  born  in  the  Confederacy. 
Otherwise,  they  will  lack  that  chivalric  and  indescri 
bable  grace  which  belongs  to  every  white  man  born  in 
the  Confederacy — that  charm  which  clings  to  your  re 
vered  father,  and  which^  thank  heaven,  I  can  visibly 
trace  in  thee,  my  poor,  Idiotic  Boy." 

Advent -of  the  Unhappy  Cuss. 

The  Idiot  wept  for  joy,  and  clasping  him  to  my  bosom 
in  a  glow  of  paternal  pride  and  fondness,  we  mingled 
our  Confederate  tears  together,  when  the  touching  and 
beautiful  scene  was  interrupted  by  the  approaching 
footsteps  of  a  stranger,  whose  grief-stricken  countenance 
unmistakably  indicated  that  he  was  the  Unhappy  Cuss. 


THE  "UNHAPPY  cuss."  57 

"  Who  art  tliou  1  whence  comest,  and  whither  goest  2" 
I  inquired. 

"  I  am,"  he  answered  "  a  victim  of  the  greatest  mis 
fortune  that  can  fall  to  the  lot  of  articulate-speaking 
men!" 

"Alas!  wretched  one,"  I  answered,  "make  known 
the  cause  of  this  calamity,  and  I  pledge  my  assistance." 

"  Thanks,  generous  and  sublime  Macpherson !"  quoth 
the  stranger,  "great  and  admired  Confederate  philoso 
pher,  for  thy  proffered  help ;  but,  alas !  my  malady  is 
beyond  mortal  aid !" 

"  Unhappy  Cuss !"  I  exclaimed,  in  a  tone  of  meek 
pity ;  "  Despair  is  the  twin-brother  of  Death,  and  the 
system  of  philosophy  I  am  about  to  bring  to  light,  em 
braces  this  great  principle,  that  when  a  man  won't 
stand  by  himself,  no  one  is  longer  obligated  to  stand  by 
him." 

"Wisest  of  all  Confederates!"  responded  the  Un 
happy  Cuss,  "  greatest  of  living  teachers  !  thy  maxims 
of  philosophy  may  place  thy  name  on  record  as  the 
Confederate  Plato,  but  they  cannot  heal  a  bleeding 
spirit,  nor  bind  up  a  wounded  heart.  My  malady  is  of 
the  blood ;  I  inherited  it  at  birth ;  I  inhaled  it  with 
the  air  I  breathed,  and  no  medicine  in  the  world  can 
do  me  good." 

"Explain,"  I  said,  "this  leprous  distilment  which 
hath  blighted  thy  young  hopes.  Speak,  Unhappy 
Cuss!" 

"  I  will  unfold  to  thee  the  great  secret  of  my  life," 
quoth  he ;  "  but  let  me  whisper  it,  for  I  have  not  the 
courage  to  pollute  the  air  with  these  fearful  words. 
He  then  rolled  over  three  times  in  the  dirt,  and  placing 


58  THE   MACPHEKSON    LETTERS. 

his  lips  close  to  my  ear,  while  a  look  of  ghastly  despair 
flitted  across  his  protruding  under-jaw,  whispered  these 
fearful  words : 

"  I  have  Yankee  Hood  in  my  veins  /" 
As  the  Unhappy  Cuss  said  the  above  words,  he  was 
seized  with  spasms,  and  fell  rolling  in  the  dust  at  my 
feet.  The  Idiotic  Boy,  who  had  been  a  silent  but  tear 
ful  spectator  of  the  scene,  immediately  threw  a  barrel 
of  rain  water  upon  his  prostrate  form,  and  I  rubbed  his 
head  with  an  inkstand  until  consciousness  once  more 
returned. 

History  of  the  Unhappy  Cuss. 

He  then  proceeded  to  unfold  his  woful  tale.  "I 
am,"  he  said,  "  a  native  of  Connecticut.  My  ancestors 
came  from  England  in  the  Mayflower.  They  were,  in 
fact,  adherents  of  those  detestable  Puritans  and  Round 
heads,  who  had  the  insolence  to  overthrow  a  King,  and 
cut  his  head  off  to  boot.  I  was  taught  to  believe  in 
those  bloody  wretches  for  saints,  and  I  also  thought 
that  the  American  Union  was  the  greatest  monument 
of  wisdom  and  liberty  ever  erected  by  the  hands  of 
mortal  men.  Every  4th  of  July  I  was  drunk  for  a 
week  in  honor  of  George  Washington  and  the  United 
States,  and  '  Yankee  Doodle'  was  my  favorite  air. 

"Fortune  at  last  decreed  that  I  should  leave  my 
native  land  and  come  to  New  Orleans.  As  I  stood  on 
the  deck  of  the  vessel,  and  saw  the  hills  of  New  Eng 
land  sink  in  the  distant  horizon,  my  eyes  were  filled 
with  tears,  and  I  vowed  that  never,  while  life  should 
Last,  would  I  prove  recreant  in  thought  or  deed,  to 
those  great  principles  of  national  unity  which  were  so 


59 

impressed  upon  my  affections.  But  the  moment  the 
warm  breezes  of  the  South  touched  me,  I  began  to  real 
ize  a  change.  It  seemed  to  me  that  the  Roundheads 
ought  to  have  been  whipped  by  the  Cavaliers,  and  that 
virtue  triumphed  with  the  restoration  of  Stuart's  cavalry. 

"  The  instant  I  set  foot  on  the  levee  at  New  Orleans, 
the  scales  fell  from  my  eyes,  and  I  was  seized  with 
shame  for  my  Yankee  blood.  I  swore  that  I  hated 
Yankees,  and  this  patriotic  sentiment  grew  day  by  day 
until  it  goaded  me  on  to  deeds  of  bloodshed  and  theft. 
I  carefully  studied  the  habits  of  Southern  society,  and 
carried  a  revolver  in  each  breeches  pocket,  and  a  bowie- 
knife  and  corn-cutter  in  my  belt.  I  knocked  down  a 
nigger  and  cursed  the  Yankees  at  every  public  gather 
ing  ;  and  when  secession  got  under  way,  I  hung  three 
Union  men  to  a  lamp-post  with  my  own  hands,  stole 
five  thousand  dollars  in  cash,  and  out-confederated  the 
Confederates  in  my  devotion  to  Southern  independence." 

As  the  Unhappy  Cuss  closed  his  narrative,  a  glow  of 
Confederate  pride  overspread  his  features,  and  my  class 
ical  mind  arose  to  the  full  height  of  the  sublime  occa 
sion.  "Benignant  stranger!"  I  exclaimed,  "such  is 
the  glory  of  the  Confederacy  that  its  light  strikes  dumb 
every  Yankee  who  sets  foot  upon  its  sacred  soil,  and  he 
cannot  wag  his  tongue  except  in  praise  of  the  Confed 
eracy.  I  hail  thee,  Unhappy  Cuss,  as  a  Confederate 
Yankee.  But  you  will  excuse  me  if  I  decline  to  in 
troduce  you  to  Mrs.  Macpherson ;  for  while  I  admit 
the  great  worth  of  a  man  who  is  ready  to  fight  and 
steal  for  the  Confederacy,  I  cannot  welcome  him  on 
terms  of  social  equality,  if  he  has  Yankee  blood  in  his 


CO  THE  MACPHEKSON   LETTERS. 

Mrs.  Macpherson  now  entered  the  house  and  turned 
up  her  nose  at  the  Yankee  Cuss,  and  remarked  that  the 
person  could  sit  down  at  the  second  table. 

The  next  day  was  Jeff.  Davis's  fast  and  humiliation, 
and  the  Cuss  and  I  went  to  church.  The  parson 
preached  from  the  words :  "  Hold  fast"  It  was  very 
convenient,  for  we  had  nothing  in  the  house  to  eat,  and 
I  could  starve  the  guest  without  a  violation  of  the  laws 
of  hospitality.  We  both  got  drunk,  however,  as  a  Con 
federate  humiliation,  and  the  Cuss  opened  to  me  a 
great  plan  of  speculation. 

"  I  have,"  he  said,  "  a  scheme  of  wealth,  which  will 
make  us  both  richer  than  Judah  P.  Benjamin.  Phi 
losophy  is  good  in  its  way,  but  let  me  tell  you,  Mac- 
pherson,  that  philosophy  don't  pay.  Hast  thou  Con 
federate  treasury  notes  ?" 

"  I  have  only  $95,000  by  me  at  present,"  I  replied. 

"That  is  just  the  amount  I  want,"  answered  the 
Cuss.  "I  have  run  the  blockade  with  a  satchel  of 
quinine  and  salt,  which  cost  me  $150  in  New  Orleans, 
and  which  I  have  already  disposed  of  for  $150,000.  I 
want  $95,000  more,  which  will  enable  me  to  buy  a 
schooner  and  load  her  with  cotton,  and  with  this  I  will 
run  the  blockade  and  sell  it  in  New  Orleans,  and  will 
divide  the  profits,  which  will  be  perfectly  enormous." 

"  Give  me  thine  honest  hand !"  I  cried  aloud. 
-  "  Give  me  thy  treasury  notes !"  responded  the  Un 
happy  Cuss. 

I  gave  him  all  the  money  I  had  in  the  world,  and  we 
, immediately  started  for  Pontchatoula.  We  hid  in  a 
swamp,  and  waded  in  the  water  above  our  knees  for 
twenty-four  hours,  in  order  to  escape  observation,  until 


A   JOINT   COTTON    SPECULATION.  61 

we  found  a  man  who  was  ready  to  deal  with  us,  and  it 
was  not  lone:  before  a  schooner  was  filled  with  cotton 

o 

ready  for  shipment.  I  noticed  that  the  Cuss  made  the 
purchase  entirely  in  his  own  name,  and  did  not  recog 
nize  me  at  all,  except  to  make  me  run  of  errands. 
When  I  required  an  explanation  of  this,  he  replied  in 
the  following  noble  and  patriotic  words : 

"  You,  Macpherson,"  he  said,  "  are  too  great  a  man 
to  mix  yourself  up  with  the  affairs  of  material  wealth. 
That  occupation  belongs  wholly  to  the  Yankee  mind. 
You,  who  are  a  great  philosopher,  and  in  whose  veins 
courses  only  Confederate  blood,  should  not  bend  the 
gigantic  intellectual  energies  of  your  mammoth  brain  to 
any  such  grovelling  object.  No,  no ! — leave  that  to  me, 
and  I'll  fix  the  thing  for  you." 

As  he  was  paying  this  just  tribute  to  my  intellectual 
worth,  the  earth  suddenly  trembled  beneath  our  feet, 
as  if  suffering  in  the  throes  of  mortal  agony ;  while  a 
howl  of  terror  and  frenzied  panic  rolled  through  the 
swamp  in  which  we  were  situated.  A  whizzing  noise 
penetrated  the  branches  of  the  trees,  and  pale  with 
abject  fear,  we  saw  the  Gorillas  dashing  wildly  through 
the  woods  in  confusion,  crying  out  in  tones  like  those 
of  Stentor,  the  Grecian  warrior  whose  voice  was  louder 
than  the  combined  voice  of  fifty  men  : 

"  The  Yanks !  the  Yanks  are  upon  us  1" 

On  they  flew,  like  the  winds,  while  the  Unhappy 
Cuss  and  myself,  were  transfixed  to  the  earth,  with 
amazement  and  fright.  Soon  the  woods  around  us 
flashed  with  the  fire  of  musketry,  and  the  highway 
swarmed  with  the  red-breeches,  which,  in  my  terror,  I 
believed  to  be  devils,  like  those  in  the  opera,  who  carry 


62  THE   MACPHEKSON    LETTERS. 

off  Don  Giovanni,  as  he  is  taking  a  drink  of  champagne. 
The  next  thing  in  the  strange  chapter  of  my  adven 
tures,  I  was  surrounded  by  a  squad  of  the  red-breeches, 
with  fierce  looks  and  flashing  bayonets,  who  demanded 
an  immediate  and  unconditional  surrender  to  Duryea's 
Zouaves.  I  replied  that  the  proud  chivalric  blood  of 
Macpherson,  was  at  any  time  prepared  to  be  shed  for 
the  Confederacy,  but  that  while  I  had  a  leg  to  stand  on, 
or  an  arm  to  smite  with,  I  would  never  surrender  to  a 
Yankee. 

Macpherson  a  Captive. 

"  Fiddlesticks  1"  replied  the  Zouave,  rapping  me  on 
the  head  with  the  butt  of  his  musket.  My  hands  were 
then  tied  behind  me  and  I  was  carried  to  the  command 
ing  officer,  a  prisoner  of  war.  But  let  it  be  known  to 
all  men  forever,  that  I  did  not  make  any  formal  sur 
render. 

I  then  looked  around  me  to  learn,  the  destiny  of  the 
Unhappy  Cuss,  and  expected  to  see  him  hanging  to  a 
limb.  I  knew  that  the  Yankees  prosecute  this  war  on 
a  plan  of  such  bloody  and  barbarous  ferocity,  that 
neither  of  us  had  the  slightest  chance  of  life.  Imagine 
my  amazement,  therefore,  when  I  saw  the  Unhappy 
Cuss  seated  on  a  log,  side  by  side  with  a  Yankee  officer, 
taking  a  drink,  and  conversing  in  the  most  friendly 
manner. 

"  I  am  glad  to  see  you  here,"  I  heard  him  say  to  the 
vile  Yankee.  "  I  have  a  load  of  cotton  here  ready  to 
be  shipped  to  New  Orleans,  and  I  have  been  waiting 
my  opportunity  for  several  weeks  to  slip  off  with  it,  and 
now  I  shall  be  able  to  do  so.  I  hail  you  as  a  deliverer 


63 

from  the  cruel  oppressions  of  the  traitors ;  there  is  not 
an  impulse  in  my  heart  which  is  not  true  to  the  flag  of 
the  Union.  Let's  take  a  drink ! " 

"  Liar !  Base  dog ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  the  cotton  is  mine, 
and  you  are  a  Confederate  according  to  your  own  con 
fessions." 

"  Who  is  that  ? "  asked  the  Yankee  officer,  pointing 
to  me. 

"  A  crazy  man  whom  I  hired  by  the  day  to  watch 
my  cotton,"  replied  the  Cuss,  "  but  I  discharged  him 
for  evident  insanity." 

Header !  are  you  human  ?  Has  your  compassion 
been  eviscerated  ?  Think  of  such  an  insult  to  me,  the 
great  light  of  Confederate  literature,  and  the  Plato  of 
Madisonville,  and  weep  with  pity  for  the  depravity  of 
man.  My  hands  were  untied,  and  I  was  told  to  go 
home,  for  the  Yankee  commander  said  he  pitied  an  in 
sane  man  ;  to  which  the  Unhappy  Cuss  responded  that 
for  this  reason  he  pitied  the  whole  Confederacy. 

"  Good  by,  Macpherson,"  he  said.  "  I  am  grateful 
for  your  hospitality,  and  I  admit  the  inferiority  of  the 
Yankee  race." 

" Liar! — swindler ! — thief! — traitor ! — villain ! "  I  re 
plied,  and  started  for  home. 

Interview  with  the  Southern  Source. 

As  I  was  going  along,  I  saw  a  chap  dodge  from  be 
hind  a  tree  in  the  swamp,  and  wave  his  hand  to  me.  I 
approached,  when  in  a  mysterious  tone  he  whispered : 

"  I  am  a  Southern  Source ! " 

"  What's  new,  my  honest  friend  ? "  I  asked  him. 


64:  THE    MACPHERSON    LETTERS. 

"  Much,"  lie  said,  at  the  same  time  waving  a  news 
paper  before  my  eyes.  I  reached  out  to  look  at  it, 
when  he  suddenly  slipped  off  and  put  the  paper  in  his 
pocket.  "  Seven  hundred  and  ninety  dollars,"  said  he. 
"  The  brokers  in  ]STew  Orleans  will  give  me  §800,  but 
I  will  take  $Y90  here." 

"  I  must  first  know  whether  the  news  is  worth  the 
money,"  I  answered. 

"  Did  ever  a  Southern  Source  deceive  the  public  ? " 
he  inquired.  "Is  not  my  name  and  reputation  for 
veracity  a  shield  against  such  base  imputations  ?  But 
I  will  give  you  one  little  item  to  show  that  the  paper 
is  worth  it.  It  contains  an  account  of  Jeff.  Davis  in 
New  York."  ;. : 

"  Jeff.  Davis  in  E~ew  York ! "  I  exclaimed,  raising 
my  hands  in  gratitude;  "then  is  Pontchatoula  aveng 
ed  ! "  I  borrowed  the  money,  and  the  Southern  Source 
disappeared,  legging  it  through  the  woods  when  last 
seen. 

I  proceeded  to  examine  the  paper,  when  I  discovered 
that  it  was  of  the  29th  October,  1858,  and  contained 
an  account  of  Jeff.  Davis's  speech  at  a  democratic 
meeting  in  Palace  Garden,  ~New  York.  Let  me  tell 
you  that  the  man  who  sold  that  paper  upon  false  pre 
tenses,  is  a  disgrace  to  Southern  Sources ;  for  the  char 
acter  of  these  Sources  is  above  reproach  or  the  sus 
picion  of  falsehood ;  and  whatever  you  read  in  a  Con 
federate  newspaper  you  can  safely  accept  as  the  unadul 
terated  gospel  of  truth. 

I  must  draw  my  letter  to  a  close.  I  have  once  more 
reached  my  hospitable  abode  at  Madisonville,  and,  as  I 
write  these  closing  sentences,  I  look  back  upon  the  ex- 


SHAMEFULLY    SWINDLED.  65 

perience  of  the  past  week  with  a  philosophic  eye. 
I  have  been  shamefully  swindled  by  the  Unhappy  Cuss 
and  the  Southern  Source,  but  my  faith  in  the  Confed 
eracy  is  not  dimmed.  The  light  of  victory  shall  flash 
upon  our  banners,  and  I  pledge  my  word  that  if  the 
base  Yankee  foe  ever  takes  possession  of  Madison ville, 
he  will  first  walk  over  the  prostrate  and  mangled  body 
of 

Yours,  philosophically, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEKSON, 


66  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTERS. 


CHAPTEE  YIII. 

THE  GREAT  CHARITY  FAIR. 

NOTE.— Mr.  N.  O.  J.  Tisdale,  formerly  President  of  the  New  Or 
leans  City  Gas  Company,  and  a  well-known  registered  enemy  of  the 
United  States,  who  finally  left  the  city  and  went  into  the  "  Confede 
racy,"  held  a  fair  at  his  residence,  professedly  for  the  benefit  of  the 
Protestant  Orphan  Asylum,  but  really,  it  was  generally  believed,  for 
the  purpose  of  raising  funds  with  which  to  clothe  the  rebel  prisoners 
then  in  New  Orleans.  In  the  name  of  charity,  tickets  were  sold  to 
all  who  would  purchase,  and  many  Union  men  and  women  purchased, 
not  suspecting  the  true  character  of  the  entertainment.  The  fair  was 
a  full-blooded  secession  demonstration  ;  the  rebei  colors  were  dis 
played,  rebel  airs  were  played  on  the  piano,  and  certain  rebel  poems, 
printed  secretly,  were  sold  at  twenty-five  cents  apiece.  These  poems 
were  entitled  respectively,  "  The  Battle  of  the  Handkerchiefs,"  and 
"  The  Battle  of  the  Fair."  The  authorship  is  attributed  here  to  Mao- 
pherson's  Idiotic  Boy ;  but  they  were  really  written  by  a  young  lady 
of  New  Orleans,  who  has  composed  several  ingenious  secession  poems, 
and  who  sometimes  signs  herself  Emily  M.  Washington.  Mr.  Tis 
dale  was  arrested,  and  his  trial,  which  continued  several  days,  at 
tracted  great  attention  in  New  Orleans,  and  was  the  subject  of  com 
ment  in  the  Northern  papers.  While  witnesses  were  brought  by  the 
prosecution  who  swore  positively  that  "  The  Bonnie  Blue  Flag"  was 
performed,  and  other  secession  demonstrations  made,  Mr.  Tisdale 
brought  witnesses  in  large  numbers,  who  swore  that  they  neither 
heard  that  air,  nor  witnessed  any  thing  indicating  sympathy  for  the 
rebel  cause.  The  court,  in  its  decision,  acquitted  Mr.  Tisdale,  on  the 
ground  that  these  negative  witnesses  for  the  defense  were  present  all 
the  evening,  and  that  it  was  a  moral  impossibility  that  they  should 
not  have  heard  the  air  had  it  actually  been  performed. The  ar 
rest  and  punishment  of  the  Idiotic  Boy  for  hurrahing  for  Jeff.  Davis, 
was  intended  to  exhibit  the  folly  of  the  light  punishment  of  such  of 
fenses,  which  at  one  time  consisted  of  a  small  fine.  It  was  currently 
reported  and  believed  that  every  fine  imposed  for  such  offenses  was 
promptly  paid  by  the  secessionists,  and  a  little  purse  given  to  the 
"  martyr"  as  a  bounty  on  impudent  treason.  It  is  said  that  this 
bounty  was  sometimes  as  high  as  fifty  dollars ;  so  that  one  who 


APOSTROPHE   TO   THE   TCHEFUNCTA.  67 

should  hurrah  for  Jeff.  Davis  could  do  so  without  expense  to  himself, 

and  make  a  handsome  little  sum  out  of  it  besides. The  author 

cannot  close  this  note  without  expressing  his  admiration  for  the  bold 
and  able  manner  in  which  the  prosecution  in  the  Tisdale  case  was 
conducted  by  the  City  Attorney,  Mr.  L.  Madison  Day. 

MADISONTILLE,  LA., 

April  4th,  1863. 

SIR:  It  was  midnight,  and  the  pale  beams  of  the 
heaven-traversing  moon  shone  down  upon  the  pellucid 
bosom  of  Lake  Pontchartrain,  and  streamed  through 
the  crevices  of  my  Dilapidated,  Hospitable  Abode,  and 
silence  and  slumbers  prevailed  among  living  men.  But 
I,  moved  with  pity  for  the  wrongs  of  the  Confederacy, 
and,  like  much-planning  Ulysses,  revolving  many 
thoughts  in  my  mind,  was  no  more  able  to  sleep  than 
was  Calypso,  inconsolable  at  the  departure  of  her  Gre 
cian  hero.  Therefore,  I  arose  from  my  lofty  couch, 
and  in  gloomy  meditation,  walked  to  the  banks  of  the 
Tchefuncta,  whose  beautiful,  muddy  water,  seemed  to 
be  a  reflex  of  my  own  sombre  and  philosophic  thoughts. 
Seating  myself  upon  the  all-nourishing  earth,  I  thus 
poured  out  my  soul  to  the  noble  river : 

"O  Tchefuncta!  thou,  whose  beautiful  mud  is  as 
clear  as  the  hopes  of  the  Confederacy,  listen  to  the 
moans  of  thy  philosophic  son !  Tell  me,  ye  lonely 
depths  of  dirt !  whether  in  a  time  of  national  calamity, 
with  the  stars  and  stripes  floating  over  the  blood-stained 
heights  of  Pontchatoula,  a  philosophic  mind  may  devote 
itself  to  the  pursuit  of  occult  truth,  or  whether  it  be  not 
the  duty  of  every  Confederate,  even  though  like  me,  he 
be  gifted  with  a  mammoth  brain,  to  bare  his  arm  in  the 
cause  of  his  country  ?  I  pause  for  a  reply." 

Having  delivered  this   eloquent  apostrophe  to  the 


68  THE   MACPHERSON    LETTERS. 

noble  river,  I  fell  partially  asleep,  when  I  heard  a  mys 
terious  voice,  crying  from  the  depths : 

"  Bare  the  arm !  bare  the  arm !" 

"  I  will !"  I  responded ;  "  for  in  that  voice  I  recog 
nize  a  Confederate  sign  and  miracle,  surpassing  in  won 
der  the  dreams  of  the  Picayune  •  and  I  shall  forthwith 
proceed  with  my  long-cherished  design  of  forming  a 
Congo  Body  Gnard." 

I  then  went  to  sleep,  when  I  was  suddenly  aronsed 
by  a  kick  in  the  back,  which  sent  me  headforemost  into 
the  muddy  depths  of  the  sluggish  Tchefuncta. 

"  Spirit !"  I  exclaimed,  "  who  but  recently  spake  to 
me  from  these  waters,  unless,  indeed,  my  eyes  were 
bent  on  vacancy,  and  I  with  incorporeal  air  did  hold 
discourse,  receive  thy  son,  and  assist  him  to  reach  dry 
land !"  I  then  waded  back,  comparing  myself  to 
Yenus,  who  rose  from  the  sea,  while  the  moist-blowing 
west  wind  wafted  her  in  soft  foam  along  the  waves, 
and  the  gold-filleted  Seasons  received  her  on  the  shores 

D 

of  Cyprus,  clothed  her  in  immortal  garments,  placed  a 
golden  wreath  upon  her  head,  and  led  her  to  the  assem 
bly  of  the  gods.  And  as  I  wallowed  in  the  mud  of  the 
noble  river,  I  exclaimed :  "  I  am  the  Yenus  of  Madi- 
sonville,  arising  from  the  Tchefuncta,  and  waiting  for 
immortal  honors !" 

I  then  stepped  upon  the  bank,  when  a  wild  mule 
kicked  at  me  and  brayed,  and  I  found  that  I  had  mis 
taken  the  mule's  familiar  voice  for  a  Confederate  mir 
acle,  and  that  the  heels  of  the  said  animal  had  given 
me  midnight  baptism.  Nevertheless,  I  accepted  the 
advent  of  the  mule  as  a  celestial  sigri,  and  immediately 
mounting  the  same,  I  started  for  New  Orleans. 


THE    SOLITAEY    HOKSEMAN.  69 

The  Solitary  Horseman. 

I  had  proceeded  seventy-five  rods  on  my  journey, 
when  my  attention  was  attracted  by  the  clatter  of  a 
horse's  hoofs,  and  soon  the  Solitary  Horseman,  whose 
appearance  and  history  have  been  fully  described  by 
the  late  Mr.  James,  burst  upon  my  vision.  Immedi 
ately  I  apostrophized  him  as  the  Confederacy,  for  the 
seal  of  the  New  Nation  is  to  be  a  Cavalier,  and  I  found 
the  Solitary  Horseman  to  be  the  beau  ideal  of  a  Confed 
erate  gentleman. 

~No  sooner  had  I  spoken,  than  he  dismounted  his  foam 
ing  steed,  and  embracing  my  knees,  exclaimed : 

"  At  last  I  behold  thee,  Confederate  Plato,  Yenus  of 
Madisonville,  and  chiefest  light  of  Confederate  letters ! 
I  am  the  delegate  of  three  thousand  citizens  of  New  Or 
leans,  who  have  charged  me  to  express  to  you  the  pro 
found  respect  which  they  entertain  for  your  august 
person,  and  invite  you  to  attend  a  Grand  Charity  Fair 
to-morrow  evening,  at  the  residence  of  a  gentleman 
whose  heart  is  as  true  to  the  Confederacy  as  is  Jacob 
Barker's  to  his  safe.  Charity,"  continued  the  Cavalier, 
"  like  the  dews  of  heaven,  falls  upon  the  lowly  and  the 
poor ;  and  when  I  think  of  the  hard  lot  of  the  unhappy 
orphan,  cast  upon  the  heartless  world  without  a  guiding 
and  protecting  hand,  my  heart  is  torn  with  a  thousand 
pangs  of  agony,  and  the  hot  blood  goes  rushing  wildly 
through  my  swollen  veins.  O  Macpherson !  let  us 
weep  for  the  unhappy  lot  of  the  poor  and  debased 
orphan !" 

The  Solitary  Horseman  burst  out  in  a  fit  of  inconso 
lable  tears  as  he  uttered  this  sublimely  charitable  sen- 


70  THE    MACPHEKSON    LETTERS. 

tirnent,  and  I  was  about  to  press  his  gentle  hand  in 
mine,  when  the  Wild  Mule  gave  an  awful  kick  which 
frustrated  my  affectionate  design.  The  brave  Cavalier 
then  mounted  and  we  dashed  furiously  along  the  high 
way. 

"  Is  this  Fair  political  ?"  I  asked. 

"  It  is  charitable,  charitable,  Macpherson,"  he  replied 
— u  a  Fair  in  behalf  of  the  Protestant  Uniform  Asy 
lum,  an  institution  for  the  manufacture  of  graybacks, 
where  the  weary  Confederate  may  find  rest,  and  the 
naked  Confederate  may  become  clothed." 

"  Who  hath  contributed  thereunto  ?"  I  inquired. 

Much  to  my  astonishment,  the  tender-hearted  Cava 
lier  burst  out  in  a  fit  of  uncontrollable  laughter,  which 
arose  far  above  the  clatter  of  his  horse's  hoofs.  u  That's 
the  joke !"  he  shouted,  as  his  beautiful  laugh  rolled 
through  the  lonely  swamp;  "that's  the  joke! — the 
Yankees  have  contributed  !  Tickets  were  sold  for  ten 
cents  apiece,  and  in  the  blessed  name  of  Charity,  sweet 
mother  of  the  helpless,  we  sold  many  tickets  to  Union 
men  and  women,  and  Yankee  officers!" 

Reining  in  my  Wild  Mule,  I  cried  aloud  :  "  Then 
indeed  do  I  wash  my  hands  of  this  matter ;  for  I  will 
take  no  part  in  a  Fair,  even  for  Charity,  if  base  Yankee 
gold  is  mingled  with  the  spotless  currency  of  the  Con 
federacy  !" 

The  Cavalier  whistled,  as  he  drew  from  his  pocket  a 
Richmond  Examiner,  and  read  the  price  of  gold,  $5.25, 
and  an  advance  of  two  hundred  per  cent,  in  a  week. 
"  Be  not  too  hasty,  Confederate  Plato,"  he  observed. 
"  You  are  aware  that  the  end  justifies  the  means ;  and 
in  the  present  instance  the  great  end  to  be  achieved  is 


MACPHEKSON    AT   THE    FAIR.  71 

to  clothe  the  Confederacy.  To  rob  a  Yankee  or  to 
deceive  a  Yankee  is  the  highest  virtue  of  the  Confed 
eracy.  And  since  the  grinding  tyranny  of  the  United 
States  will  not  permit  us  to  operate  openly,  we  invoke 
the  broad  mantle  of  Charity,  which  we  will  cut  up  and 
make  into  Confederate  uniforms  F' 

u  Give  me  thine  honest  hand,  sweet  messenger  of  be 
nevolence  !"  I  exclaimed.  u  Charity,  indeed,  shall 
cover  a  multitude  of  sins  ;  and  the  mantle  of  Charity 
is  gray  in  the  Confederacy." 

It  was  night  before  we  reached  the  city,  and  as  the 
mud  of  the  Tchefuncta  still  adhered  conspicuously  to 
my  person,  I  determined  to  go  to  the  St.  Charles  and 
take  a  bath  before  attending  the  Fair.  But  as  we  were 
riding  towards  that  massive  structure,  the  Solitary 
Horseman  suddenly  reined  in  his  steed,  and  pointing 
to  a  palatial  abode,  said  :  "This  is  the  place — listen  !" 

A  confused  din  of  lovely  voices,  strains  of  angelic 
music,  and  trippings  of  the  light  fantastic  toe  came  to 
my  ears,  grateful  as  the  odor  of  Louisiana  Hum  to  a 
thirsty  Confederate;  for  I  knew  that  every  lovely 
voice  was  a  Confederate  voice,  every  strain  a  Confed 
erate  strain,  and  every  light  fantastic  toe  a  Confeder 
ate  toe. 

Macphersorfs  Extraordinary  Advent  at  the  Fair. 

I  was  about  to  hasten  to  the  baths,  when  my  "Wild 
Mule  kicked  with  extraordinary  violence,  lifting  me 
clean  from  his  back,  tossing  me  over  the  fence  and 
through  the  open  door  of  the  palatial  abode,  and  land 
ing  me  in  the  hall  on  my  face,  with  a  force  which 
caused  the  blood  to  ooze  freely  from  my  nostrils,  and 


72  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

mingle  its  crimson  hues  with  the  mud  of  the  Tche- 
functa,  which  still  adhered  conspicuously  to  my  person. 

The  hall  was  crowded  with  beautiful  Confederate 
girls ;  and  as  I  arose  from  my  recumbent  posture, 
with  my  classcial  mind  slightly  confused  by  the  vio 
lence  of  the  concussion,  I  imagined  myself  in  a  Yestal 
temple.  I  therefore  cried  aloud  :  "  O  lovely  Confeder 
ate  Yestals,  who  attend  the  sacred  flame,  fear  not  me, 
for  I  am  the  Yenus  of  Madisonville;  and  my  only  re 
gret  is  that,  placing  her  hand  upon  the  head  of  Jupiter, 
your  goddess  swore  perpetual  celibacy."  The  Yestals 
then  joined  hands  and  danced  around  me,  to  the  en 
livening  strains  of  the  Pontchatoula  Quickstep,  and  the 
Great  Host  approaching,  bade  me  welcome  to  the 
abode  of  Charity.  . 

"  Allow  me  to  inquire,"  I  said,  "  whether  you  have 
obtained  permission  to  hold  this  Fair  ?" 

"  I  did  not  deem  it  necessary,"  he  replied,  "  for  I 
consulted  a  gentleman  who  has  held  a  similar  concern 
at  his  house,  and  he  assured  me  that  permission  was 
not  necessary.  I  trust  the  time  will  soon  come  when 
we  can  worship  the  Confederacy  according  to  the  dic 
tates  of  our  own  consciences,  with  none  to  molest  or 
make  us  afraid,  and  when  the  ladies  can  spit  in  the 
face  of  Yankees  in  the  streets  with  impunity." 

"  Amen !"  I  responded  to  this  noble  and  patriotic 
prayer. 

The  Great  Host  lovingly  took  my  arm,  and,  conduct 
ing  me  to  an  obscure  corner,  pointed  in  a  mysterious 
manner  to  a  pile  of  publications.  "To  you,"  he  said, 
"  the  great  light  of  Confederate  letters,  I  need  not  ex 
patiate  upon  the  beauties  and  blessings  of  literature ;  I 


CONFEDERATE   TBACTATK8.  73 

need  not  tell  von  of  the  power  of  the  press,  which  en 
ables  us  to  poison  the  public  mind,  and  inundate  the 
land  with  Confederate  principles."  lie  then  handed 
me  two  beautiful  Confederate  tracts,  one  them  entitled 
"  The  Battle  of  the  Handkerchiefs,"  and  the  'other 
"  The  Battle  of  the  Fair"  and  informed  me  that  the 
price  was  two  bits  each,  which  sum  I  gladly  paid  as 
he  informed  me  the  proceeds  of  those  two  beautiful 
and  patriotic  publications  would  go  towards  clothing 
the  Confederacy. 

"Perhaps,"  he  remarked,  "you  would  like  to  see 
the  author  of  those  great  works  of  genius  and  patri 
otism." 

"  I  should  rejoice  to  know  him,"  I  replied ;  "  for 
herein  I  find  the  evidences  of  that  peculiar  genius  and 
grace  which  belongs,  in  a  greater  or  less  degree,  to 
every  thing  Confederate." 

"  You  shall  be  gratified,"  he  answered  ;  and  he  im 
mediately  led  me  face  to  face  with  my  Idiotic  Boy ! 

"There  he  is!"  said  the  Great  Host;  "look  upon 
the  author  of  those  beautiful  productions  of  the  human 
intellect." 

My  double  surprise  may  be  imagined.  I  supposed 
the  imbecile  youth  was  quietly  sleeping  in  his  mother's 
arms ;  but  to  find  him  there,  surrounded  by  a  galaxy 
of  youth  and  beauty,  and  to  learn  that  he  was  a  full- 
fledged  Confederate  author,  overpowered  me  with 
amazement  and  gratitude.  "  Happy  father  of  such  a 
son  !"  I  exclaimed,  clasping  him  to  my  muddy  bosom, 
"  who  in  early  life  devotes  the  energies  of  his  idiotic 
brain  to  the  true  path  of  rectitude,  and  contributes  the 
efforts  of  his  intellect  to  the  great  and  heaven-ordained 

4 


<4r  THE    MACPUEKSON    LETTERS. 

behests  of  Charity,  by  furnishing  mental  pabulum  to 
the  followers  of  the  naked  Confederacy  !" 

Just  then  the  Idiot  dodged  behind  me,  and  pointing 
to  a  lady  across  the  room,  said :  "  Shield  me,  for  the 
love  of  heaven !" 

What  is  the  row,  sweet  Idiot  ?"  I  inquired. 

"  It  is  my  misfortune  to  know  that  lady,"  he  replied. 
"I  have  eaten  at  the  same  table,  drank  wine  from  the 
same  bottle,  played  whist  and  euchre  with  the  same 
cards.  But  she  is  a  Union  woman,  and  it  will  be  a. 
disgrace  to  recognize  her  here." 

u  Well  said,  dear  Idiot,"  I  responded.  "  But  show 
yourself  worthy  of  your  revered  father  and  of  the  Con 
federacy  you  represent." 

"  I  will !"  he  exclaimed,  tearing  his  hair  with  vehe 
ment  determination,  and  then  walking  coldly  by  the 
Yankee  woman,  without  recognizing  her.  Afterwards 
he  watched  his  opportunity  and  winked  at  her,  in  order, 
if  possible,  to  save  her  good  opinion  without  compro 
mising  himself. 

"  Sir !"  I  said  with  a  frown  of  Confederate  displeas 
ure  upon  my  features,  and  addressing  myself  to  the 
Great  Host:  "You  are  a  registered  enemy  of  the 
United  States,  and  I  was  not  prepared  for  the  affront 
put  upon  me  by  the  presence  of  a  Yankee  woman." 

"  Gas  !"  responded  the  Great  Host,  his  eyes  gleam 
ing  like  two  burners,  "you  are  over  zealous.  It  is  pos 
sible  that  the  vile  tyranny  under  which  we  groan,  will 
summon  me  to  answer  for  this  night's  business,  and 
the  presence  of  a  few  Yankees  is  a  shield  against  sus 
picion." 

1  now  proceeded  to  examine  the  spacious  apartments ; 


THE    CONFEDERATE    SEAL.  75 

\ 

and  at  every  step  I  found  something  to  gladden  my 
Confederate  heart.  I  learned  that  beautiful  maidens 
of  tender  years  had  worked  with  the  mothers  of  the 
city,  day  after  day,  and  night  after  night,  in  manufac 
turing  miniature  Confederate  flags,  which  they  brought 
here  and  sold  at  high  prices,  the  proceeds  all  going 
into  the  Confederate  treasury.  I  saw,  also,  Confeder 
ate  doll-babies,  Confederate  roosters  and  hens,  Confed 
erate  pigs  made  of  sugar,  Confederate  dogs,  and  Con 
federate  alligators,  all  manufactured  by  fair  hands  in 
obedience  to  the  dictates  of  charity.  But  the  princi 
pal  feature  of  the  evening  was  a  Confederate  donkey, 
gayly  caparisoned,  on  which  sat  my  Idiotic  Boy,  wav 
ing  the  proud  banner  of  the  New  Nation,  and  winking 
at  the  girls. 

The  Great  Confederate  Seal. 

x. 

"  That  Donkey  and  that  boy,"  remarked  a  bystander, 
"  are  the  proper  and  fitting  emblems  of  the  Confed 
eracy.  I  see  that  our  Congress  is  discussing  the  pro 
priety  of  adopting  a  Cavalier  as  the  seal  of  the  New 
Nation  ;  and  I  for  one  recommend  Macpherson's  Idiotic 
Boy  mounted  on  a  Donkey  as  the  most  expressive  and 
appropriate  Boy  and  Beast  that  can  be  found  to  repre 
sent  the  Confederacy." 

It  was  suggested  that  I  myself,  mounted  on  my 
Wild  Mule,  would  do  better  ;  but  the  opinion  of  the 
audience  was  in  favor  of  the  Idiot,  and  so  I  yielded  my 
claims  gracefully,  soothing  my  disappointed  ambition 
with  the  gushing  stream  of  paternal  pride. 

During  all  this  time  the  piano  was  sending  forth  its 
angelic  strains,  the  keys  thereof  being  thumbed  by 


76  THE    MACPHRESON    LETTERS. 

snowy  delicate  fingers,  whose  gentle  touch  upon  the 
temples  might  soothe  a  tiger's  rage,  or  thaw  the  cold 
heart  of  a  conqueror.  The  Bonnie  Blue  Flag  was 
played,  as  the  most  popular  air  ;  but  whenever  that  air 
was  struck,  I  observed  that  twelve  persons  immediately 
left  the  room,  and  put  cotton  in  their  ears.  I  demand 
ed  of  the  Great  Host  the  cause  of  this  extraordinary 
proceeding,  which  appeared  to  me  to  be  an  insult  to 
the  Confederacy. 

The  Great  Host  applied  his  forefinger  to  the  side  of 
his  nose,  giving  the  end  a  twist  and  winking  as  he  re 
plied  : 

"Witnesses!" 

"  What  witnesses  !"  I  inquired. 

"  You  see,  Macpherson,"  he  replied,  "  that  my  case 
may  come  up  in  court,  and  it  is  possible  that  some  who 
are  here  may  have  the  baseness  to  testify  that  The 
Bonnie  Blue  Flag  WAS  performed  on  that  piano. 
In  such  a  case  it  will  become  necessary  for  me  to  prove 
that  it  was  NOT  played.  So  I  have  arranged  to  have 
twelve  witnesses  be  present  through  the  whole  perform 
ance  and  not  hear  it.  If  the  tune  was  actually  played 
it  is  morally  certain  that  these  twelve  persons  must 
have  heard  it ;  and  these  witnesses  live  in  a  Christian 
community,  and  are,  as  you  wTill  perceive,  persons  of 
the  highest  respectability.  Cotton  will  do.  it,  Mac 
pherson — cotton  will  do  it !" 

"  Cotton  is  king,"  I  answered ;  "  and  your  case  is 
sure  to  succeed.  When  I  was  justice  of  the  peace  in 
Madisonville,  a  case  came  up  precisely  like  yours. 
Citizen  Jenkins  accused  my  nephew,  Peter  Macpherson, 
of  stealing  a  pig,  and  brought  three  creditable  witnesses, 


MACPHEKSON   ON   MEMORY.  77 

who  swore  positively  that  they  saw  Peter  steal  him. 
But  Pete  brought  four  men  of  the  highest  respectability, 
over  from  New  Orleans,  who  swore  quite  as  positively 
that  they  did  not  see  him  steal  the  swinish  animal ;  and 
on  this  testimony  I  was  bound  to  acquit  him.  Negative 
testimony  is  sure  to  win  in  courts  that  take  a  proper 
view  of  events,  particularly  if  the  magistrate  is  an 
uncle  of  the  accused,  as  in  the  case  referred  to." 

The  night  wore  away,  and  our  delightful  Confederate 
communion  strengthened  our  weary  souls.  At  a  late 
hour  I  was  called  on  for  a  speech,  and  wishing  to  ap 
pear  in  my  true  character,  as  a  Confederate  philosopher, 
I  proceeded  to  oleliver  an  original  phrenological  dis 
course,  on  one  of  the  most  important  bumps  which  the 
human  head  contains. 
i 

Macpherson  on  Memory. 

"Ladies  and  gentlemen,"  I  said;  "proud  children  of 
our  great  Confederate  parent,  and  you  of  the  rising 
generation  ;  as  mile-boards  are  set  up  on  the  highway 
to  indicate  the  direction  in  which  the  roads  run,  so 
hath  nature  built  bumps  on  the  human  cranium,  to  in 
dicate  the  bent  of  character,  and  the  destiny  of  man. 

"  The  most  important  of  these  bumps  indicates  the 
organ  of  Memory ;  and  in  looking  around  on  this  audi 
ence  I  see  by  a  glance  at  that  bump  that  you  are  all 
Confederates.  The  Confederate  bump  of  Memory  is 
peculiar  in  this,  that  it  has  the  gift  of  remembering 
every  thing  to  its  own  credit  and  interest,  with  the 
most  wonderful  distinctness.  Indeed,  it  remembers 
more  than  the  facts  will  justify.  At  the  same  time  it 
is  wholly  incapable  of  remembering  any  thing  contrary 


78  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTERS. 

to  the  plans,  wishes,  principles,  and  interests  of  the 
Confederacy.  For  instance,  it  remembers  that  George 
Washington  was  a  Virginian,  and  a  slaveholder ;  but 
it  forgets  stubbornly  and  hopelessly  that  he  was  a 
strong  Union  man,  and  freed  his  slaves  on  his  death 
bed.  It  remembers  that  gold  arose  in  New  York  to 
1Y3,  but  it  forgets  that  it  tumbled  down  faster  than  it 
rose.  It  remembers  that  the  Mississippi  was  sunk  at 
Port  Hudson,  but  it  forgets  that  the  Hartford  and  Al 
batross  went  by.  It  remembers  that  Beauregard  won 
the  battle  of  Manassas,  but  it  forgets  that  the  Yankees 
whipped  the  devil  out  of  us  at  Fort  Donelson.  Such, 
ladies,  gentlemen,  and  rising  generation,  are  the  char 
acteristics  of  the  Confederate  bump  of  Memory — char 
acteristics  of  which  I  am  proud,  and  which  I  see  per 
vade  every  head  in  this  great  charity  fair.  Were  *  you 
called  on  to  swear  to-morrow  before  a  Yankee  court, 
whether  a  Confederate  flag  was  displayed  here  to-night, 
could  you  remember  seeing  it  ?  No  !  Were  you  asked 
whether  the  Bonnie  Blue  Flag  was  played  on  that 
piano,  could  you  remember  that  you  heard  it  ?  No ! 
Were  you  asked  whether  any  disloyal  sentiment  has 
been  expressed  here  to-night,  could  you  remember  hear 
ing  it  ?  No  ! — for  you  are  all  loyal  to  the  great  princi 
ples  of  the  new  nation,  and  may  God  bless  you,  and 
the  Confederate  bump  of  Memory  forever !" 

Arrest  of  the  Idiotic  Boy. 

This  speech  was  received  with  loud  applause,  and 
we  were  about  to  separate,  when  a  clamor  arose  in  the 
street.  "  A  Confederate  rising ! — to  arms ! — to  arms !" 


A   MARTYR.   OF   FREEDOM.  79 

I  shouted ;  '  the  day  of  deliverance  has  come ! — Stone 
wall  Jackson  has  arrived  with  nineteen  hundred  thou 
sand  patriots !"  With  this  exclamation  I  rushed  into 
the  street,  the  excited  assemblage  following  at  my  heels, 
when  I  found  that  my  Idiotic  Boy  had  been  arrested 
for  hurrahing  for  Jeff.  Davis  publicly,  and  basely  im 
prisoned  in  a  Yankee  jail.  "  Martyr  of  freedom !"  I 
cried ;  "  I  am  proud  that  the  spirit  of  the  Macphersons 
has  not  been  crushed,  and  I  resign  tliee  to  a  glorious 
death  and  a  crown  of  martyrdom  !" 

I  found,  however,  that  the  penalty  for  the  offense 
was  $2.50,  and  soon  a  purse  of  $200  was  made  up,  the 
fine  paid,  and  the  boy  released,  with  the  balance  jing 
ling  in  his  pocket.  As  he  left  the  court-room  he  set  up 
another  tremendous  roar  for  Jeff.  Davis,  when  he  was 
immediately  arrested  again,  and  fined  $2.50  more.  "  I 
appeal  to  the  Confederates,"  I  said,  "  to  assist  my  son 
to  get  his  release  from  the  vile  Yankee  tyrants."  Im 
mediately  another  contribution  of  $200  was  made  up, 
the  fine  paid,  and  the  boy  released,  with  a  clear  balance 
of  $395  in  his  pocket ;  and  with  this  we  immediately 
returned  to  Madison ville. 

I  must  now  conclude  my  eighth  epistle  to  THE  ERA. 
What  is  writ  is  writ.  Would  it  were  worthier.  The 
winding  up  reminds  me  that  I  am  mortal;  and  as  that 
is  a  subject  I  do  not  like  to  reflect  upon,  I  turn  my 
philosophic  eye  to  the  unfading  glory  of  the  Confeder 
acy  ,  and  there  I  behold  unending  power  and  immortal 
honor.  The  stars  shall  fade,  but  the  Confederacy  shall 

endure  forever. 

Yours,  weekly, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHERSON. 


80  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

P.  S. — Since  writing  the  above,  I  have  received  the 
following  letter  from  my  son  Louis  T.  Wigfall : 

PORT  HUDSON,  April  2. 

"  DAD  : — Give  My  love  to  the  Great  Hoast,  and  to  the 
bewtiful  ladies  which  attended  the  Charity  Fare.  I 
have  received  the  uniform  they  sent  Me,  and  it's  the 
only  rag  of  close  I've  had  sense  I  sold  the  nine  sutes 
which  was  given  Me  by  the  ladies  as  I  left  New  Or 
leans  on  the  Empire  Parish. 

"  While  a  heart  beats  in  My  Bosom,  it  will  vibrate 
with  the  Gratitude  of 

Your  patriotic  Sun, 
Louis  T.  WIGFALL  MACPHERSON. 


THE  CONFEDEKATE  ARCHIMEDES.  81 


CHAPTEE  IX. 

THE  CONFEDERATE  ARITHMETIC. 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 

April  llth,  18*3. 

SIB  : — On  Tuesday  last  I  sat  on  the  bottom  of  an  in 
verted  brass  kettle  in  my  door-yard,  training  up  my 
Idiotic  Boy  in  the  way  he  should  go,  and  rejoicing  to 
find  his  demented  brain  so  'capable  of  absorbing  the 
ideas  which  underlie  the  Confederacy.  "  I  am,"  I  said 
to  him,  "  the  Confederate  Archimedes.  Never,  since 
this  great  planetary  system  was  called  into  existence, 
has  there  been  a  nation  whose  glory  and  power  could 
compare  with  the  Confederacy  which  I  represent. 
Wherever  the  glorious  flag  of  the  new  nation  floats, 
freedom  of  speech  and  of  the  press  prevails  to  an  alarm 
ing  extent. 

"  The  resources  of  the  Confederacy  are  inexhaustible. 
Ever  since  the  formation  of  the  Union,  the  South  has 
supported  the  North;  and  therefore  it  was,  that  as  soon 
as  the  South  withdrew  from  the  concern,  the  North 
was  reduced  to  poverty  and  famine.  Grass  now  grows 
in  Broadway,  and  in  the  Central  Park  of  New  York. 
A  reliable  gentleman  who  has  just  returned  from  that 
place,  assures  me  that  he  pastured  his  horse  in  front  of 
the  Astor  House,  during  his  sojourn  in  that  deserted 
and  ruined  city. 

"  But  the  Confederacy  can  never  become  impover 
ished  ;  and  I  will  now  explain  to  you  the  principles  of 

4* 


82  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTERS. 

the  Confederate  Arithmetic — principles  of  the  greatest 
simplicity,  yet  productive  of  astounding  results. 

"  The  Confederate  Arithmetic  has  two  rules,  Multi 
plication  and  Subtraction.  Multiplication  is  only  em 
ployed  in  the  affairs  of  the  Confederacy,  and  Subtrac 
tion  in  the  affairs  of  the  Federals. 

The  Confederate  Multiplication-table. 

"  The  Confederate  multiplication-table,  my  Sweet 
Idiot,"  I  continued,  "  employs  two  numbers — 0  and  50. 
0  multiplied  by  50  equals  50.  0  represents  the  basis  of 
Confederate  currency,  and  by  multiplying  it  by  50  you 
get  $50  in  cash.  Multiply  this  by  50  again,  and  you 
have  $2,500;  and  this  once  more  multiplied  by  50, 
gives  you  $125,000 ;  and  this  again  multiplied,  gives 
you  $6,250,000 ;  and  so  on,  until  the  Confederate  Treas 
ury  groans  beneath  its  enormous  and  insupportable 
burden  of  cash. 

"  The  rule  here  laid  down  also  applies  to  military 
operations.  A  Colonel  sends  out  a  Captain  on  a  scout 
ing  expedition,  and  0  represents  the  number  of  Yankee 
prisoners  actually  captured.  This  the  Captain  multi 
plies  by  50,  and  reports  to  the  Colonel  that  he  has 
bagged  50  Yankees.  The  Colonel  then  multiplies  by 
50  in  his  report  to  the  Brigadier  General ;  the  Brigadier 
General  multiplies  by  50  in  his  report  to  the  Division 
General ;  the  Division  General  multiplies  by  50  in  his 
report  to  the  Commander  of  the  Department;  the 
Commander  of  the  Department  multiplies  by  50  in  his 
report  to  the  Secretary  of  War ;  the  Secretary  of  War 
multiplies  by  50,  and  sends  it  to  the  Jackson  Appeal  • 
the  editor  of  that  sheet  multiplies  by  50  and  prints  it, 


CONFEDERATE   ARITHMETIC.  86 

and  the  Southern  Source  then  multiplies  by  50  and 
starts  for  New  Orleans,  and  by  the  time  the  report  gets 
to  the  St.  Charles  Hotel,  we  have  captured  thirty-five 
trillion  sixty-two  billion  and  five  hundred  million 
(35,062,500,000,000)  Yankee  prisoners,  as  any  one  will 
see  who  will  work  out  the  sum  according  to  the  princi 
ples  of  the  Confederate  Arithmetic. 

"  Every  thing  in  the  Confederacy  is  multiplied  by  50. 
But  when  we  speak  of  the  affairs  of  the  United  States, 
wTe  apply  the  second  great  rule  of  the  Confederate 
Arithmetic,  which  is  as  follows : 

Confederate  Rule  of  Subtraction. 

"  Deduct  from  every  Federal  number  twice  its  actual 
amount.  Thus :  a  Federal  scouting  party  captures 
100  Confederates.  From  this  100  you  must  deduct 
200,  which  leaves  a  balance  of  100  in  our  favor ;  and 
instead  of  the  Yankees  getting  100  Confederates,  the 
Confederates  get  100  Yankees.  It  was  by  this  rule 
that  Gen.  Bragg  defeated  Rosecrans. 

"  Thus,  Sweet  Idiot,"  I  said,  "  I  have  explained  to 
you  those  great  fundamental  laws  of  mathematics 
which  underlie  the  Confederacy;  and  I  am  the  Confed 
erate  Archimedes,  he  who  was  equally  skilled  in  as 
tronomy,  geometry,  mechanics,  hydrostatics,  and  optics, 
in  all  of  which  he  excelled,  and  produced  many  ex 
traordinary  inventions ;  but,  in  my  opinion,  notwith 
standing  his  miraculous  skill  as  displayed  in  the  defense 
of  Syracuse,  he  never  conceived  an  idea  so  grand  as  the 
Confederate  Arithmetic." 

Yours,  mathematically, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHERSON. 


84:  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTEES. 


CHAPTEE  X. 

HYMN    OF    SALVATION. 

BY    JAMES   B.    MACPHKK80N, 

Poet  Laureate  of  Madisonville. 


SMITE  and  slay  the  savage  Yankee ! 

Break  and  pulverise  liis  bones  ! 
It  is  done  ;  and  I  will  thank  tliee, 

Great  Confederate  Paul  Jones  !* 

Lo  !  E.  Pluribus  and  Unum 

Now  are  rolling  in  the  dirt ! 
Brave  Confederate, who  hast  hewn  'em, 

Rise  and  put  on  a  clean  shirt ! 

Now  the  Pelican  is  flopping 

His  broad  wings  in  feather  high ; 
On,  Confederacy  !  no -stopping — 

Every  Yankee  Dog  shall  die  ! 

Never  more  an  EXTRA  ERA 

Shall  announce  a  blown-up  Queen  ;* 

Oh,  P.  Jones,  you  are  my  deary, 
And  the  biggest  brick  I've  seen ! 

Light  is  breaking  from  the  heaven ! 

Yea,  it  streams  athwart  the  sky ! 
I  myself  can  slay  eleven — 

Every  Yankee  Dog  shall  die! 

New  Orleans  has  been  delivered ! 

Do  you  ask  the  reason  why? 
Fate's  designs  shall  be  uncivered — 

Every  Yankee  Dog  shall  die ! 

"Queen  of  the  West,"  a  vessel  captured  by  the  rebels,  after 
having  run  the  "Vicksburg  batteries,  and  destroyed  during  the  cam 
paign  of  General  Banks  up  the  Teche,  in  the  spring  of  1863.  She 
was  -commanded  by  Fuller,  who  aspired  to  the  title  of  the  Confed 
erate  Paul  Jones  1 


A   SUBLIME   FAITH.  85 


CHAPTER'  XI. 

MACPHERSON  DEDICATES  HIMSELF  TO  WAR  AND  LARCENY. — 

HE  ENCOUNTERS  THE  HONEST  JEW. 

LOUISIANA  LOWLANDS  Low, 

April  25th,  1863. 

Sm: — For  some  time  rumors  of  the  most  painful 
nature  reached  my  ears,  while,  in  my  dilapidated  hos 
pitable  abode  at  Madisonville,  I  was  preparing  my 
mind  to  offer  my  life  in  the  sacred  cause  of  the  Con 
federacy.  I  read  in  THE  EKA  that  Gen.  Banks  had 
advanced  from  Brashear  City  with  a  large  force  of  Hes 
sians,  and  that  the  blessed  sons  of  the  Confederacy  had 
been  whipped,  their  gunboats  destroyed,  and  their 
transports  captured  or  sunk,  while  they  were  running' 
before  the  vile  Yankee  foe  or  falling  into  the  hands  of 
Ibid.  But  I  did  not  believe  it.  I  swore  it  could  not 
be  true  ;  for  with  that  sublime  faith  in  the  Confederacy 
which  leads  our  people  to  receive  Confederate  currency 
and  to  set  facts  at  defiance,  I  scorned  these  statements 
as  Yankee  inventions  and  falsehoods.  I  knew  that  I 
was  the  only  contributor  for  THE  EKA  who  dared  to 
speak  the  truth,  and  blow  the  Confederate  trumpet, 
and  so  long  as  the  True  Delta  and  the  Picayune  had 
not  a  word  to  say  on  the  subject,  which  they  hadn't 
for  many  days,  I  possessed  my  sublime  soul  in  Con 
federate  patience,  and  clothed  and  fortified  my  serene 
mind  with  stoical  Confederate  disbelief  in  every  word 
uttered  by  a  Yankee. 


86  THE    MACPHKRSON    LETTERS. 

But  on  Wednesday  last  I  was  aroused  from  my  dream 
of  security  and  Confederate  bliss,  when  the  Picayune, 
a  paper  in  which  I  have  full  faith,  broke  the  long  and 
pleasing  silence  that  had  sealed  its  lips,  and  made 
known  to  me  that  there  was  at  least  some  foundation 
for  the  diabolical  reports  in  THE  ERA  which  had  ap 
peared  from  time  to  time  a  week  or  ten  days  before. 

Then  it  was  that,  resting  my  teeth  upon  the  leg  of  a 
chair,  1  gave  myself  up  to  momentous  meditations. 
Before  my  mind  arose  the  incredible  vision  of  Confed 
erates  flying  before  Yankees,  and  I  cried  aloud  :  "Ig 
noble,  debased  villain  that  I  am  !—  why  sit  I  here  while 
my  countrymen  starve  and  run  leaving  their  bones 
behind  them  to  bleach  upon  the  bloody  field  of  car 
nage,  and  while  one  of  the  children  of  my  loins  lan 
guishes  in  a  loathsome  dungeon  in  Baronne  street  ? 
Arise,  Macpherson  !  abandon  the  seductive  paths  of 
philosophy  and  poetry,  buckle  on  a  C.  S.  plate,  shoulder 
a  double-barrelled  shot-gun,  and  plunge  headlong  into 
the  deep-flowing  tide  of  Yankee  homicide  and  larceny  !" 

I  then  arose  in  my  terrible  might,  while  my  dilapi 
dated  hospitable  abode  trembled  to  the  top  of  the 
stove-pipe  beneath  the  massive  heel  of  my  new  boots, 
writh  which  I  smote  the  quaking  ground  ;  and  I  swore 
by  the  mud  image  of  Jeff.  Davis,  which  had  just  been 
set  up  by  my  Idiotic  Boy,  that  I  never  would  wash  my 
face  or  taste  a  drop  of  water  until  I  had  exterminated 
every  Yankee,  man,  woman,  and  child,  in  the  States  of 
Louisiana,  Mississippi,  Arkansas,  and  the  First  Con 
gressional  District  of  Texas ! 

"  Not  drink  any  water,  James  !"  exclaimed  my  wife, 
in  a  tone  of  astonishment ;  "  what  will  you  drink  ?" 


THE    HONEST    JEW.  87 

"  Rum !"  I  answered,  with  a  voice  like  bellowing 
thunder ;  "  rum,  my  love  !  and  rum  alone  !" 

Therefore  I  dedicated  myself  to  the  god  of  war: 
"  O  Mars  !"  I  exclaimed,  "  the  fatherless  son  of  Juno, 
whose  delight  was  in  contest  and  strife,  and  who  wast 
a  warrior  of  severe  countenance,  with  a  cuirass  and  an 
Argive  shield  upon  thine  arm  !  — thee  I  invoke,  and  to 
thee  I  dedicate  my  vast  and  comprehensive  intellect, 
and  the  death-compassing  stroke  of  my  unapproach 
able  arm !"  I  then  went  forth  on  my  mission  of  de 
struction,  breathing  revenge  and  blood  from  my  nos 
trils  at  every  step. 

The  Honest  Jew. 

Just  after  crossing  the  Yankee  lines,  I  encountered 
an  individual  who  informed  me  that  he  was  an  Honest 
Jew.  "Right  glad  am  I  to  meet  you,  my  noble 
friend,"  I  said:  "for  honest  men  are  scarce  in  these 
unwholesome  days.  I  trust  you  are  an  Israelite  in 
whom  there  is  nq  guile." 

"  I  ish  dat,"  responded  the  Honest  Jew ;  "  and  vat  I 
say,  dat  pe  trute." 

"Then,"  I  answered,  "you  are  a  good  Confederate  ; 
for  Confederates  alone  are  capable  of  speaking  the 
truth." 

"  You  vait  vun  little  pit,"  returned  the  guileless  Is 
raelite,  "  an'  I  show  you  I  make  seventeen  bunder 
tollar  in  fifteen  minutes  !" 

"  How  ?"  I  asked. 

"  I  shut  up  Yankee's  eye." 

The  Honest  Jew  then  beckoned  me  to  follow  him. 
Approaching  the  Yankee  sentinel,  he  said : 


88  THE   MACPHEESON    LETTEES. 

"  I  liabe  tree  huhder  tollar  goods  back  yonder.  I 
take  'em  across  that  bayou  I  get  two  tousan'.  Now 
you  must  shut  your  eye  vile  I  goes  py,  an'  I  gives  you 
fifty  tollar !" 

"  All  right,"  replied  the  Yankee  sentinel,  "  give  me 
the  $50  and  I'll  shut  my  eye  while  you  pass." 

The  Honest  Jew  paid  the  Yankee  the  sum  specified, 
and  the  Jew  went  back  after  his  goods.  But  I  noticed 
that  the  sentinel  called  the  corporal  of  the  guard  and 
had  some  private  conversation  with  him,  after  which 
the  corporal  disappeared. 

Soon  the  Jew  came  up  with  his  goods,  and  the 
Yankee  sentinel  didn't  see  him  at  all  when  he  passed  ; 
but  he  hadn't  got  fifty  yards  before  the  corporal  and 
four  men  dodged  out  from  behind  a  tree  and  arrested 
him.  His  goods  were  seized  and  confiscated,  and  he 
was  told  that  if  he  ever  tried  such  a  dodge  again,  he 
would  be  sent  to  Fort  Jackson  with-  a  ball  and  chain 
to  his  leg. 

"  Yar's  mine  fifty  tollar  ?"  said  the  Honest  Jew, 
shaking  his  fist  at  the  Yankee  sentinel. 

"  I  have  it,"  replied  the  base  Yankee  dog ;  "  you 
gave  it  to  me  to  shut  my  eyes  while  you  passed,  and  I 
fulfilled  my  part  of  the  bargain."* 

I  then  resumed  my  journey  to  New  Orleans,  accom 
panied  by  the  Israelite  in  whom  there  was  no  guile, 
and  whose  deep-heaving  sighs  and  groans  of  agony 
over  his  loss,  touched  me  with  pity,  and  filled  my  mind 
with  tenfold  anger  against  the  foul  despotism  of  the 
United  States. 

*  A  true  incident.  ED. 


THE    HONEST   JEW.  89 

"My  guileless  and  honest  friend,"  I  said  to  him, 
"you  are  a  victim  of  unmitigated  villany  and  iron  op 
pression.  You  would  do  good  by  supplying  the  Con 
federacy  and  getting  rich  at  the  same  time  ;  but  the 
damnable  and  debased  despotism  of  the  United  States 
steps  in  your  way  !" 

"  Oh,  I  pe  very  boor — very  boor,  indeed  ! "  groaned 
the  Israelite  in  whom  there  was  no  guile. 

"  My  boor  friend  !  "  I  exclaimed,  clasping  him  to  my 
bosom,  "  I  will  avenge  thy  manifold  wrongs.  I  have 
dedicated  myself  to  Mars,  the  death-scattering  hero  of 
bloody  wars;  and  now  I  also  dedicate  myself  to 
Hermes,  the  god  of  thieves,  and  the  son  of  Jupiter 
and  Maia  ;  he  whose  first  act  was  to  steal  the  cattle  of 
Apollo.  Henceforth,  I  am  the  champion  of  larceny, 
and  I  swear  by  the  soul  of  the  Confederacy,  that  I 
will  not  rest  from  toil  and  labor  until  I  have  stolen  a 
horse!" 

"  You  gives  him  to  me,  eh  ? "  asked  the  Jew,  his  eyes 
lighting  up  with  eager  fire. 

"  Yes,"  I  replied,  "  I'll  give  him  to  thee,  my  wronged 
and  outraged  friend." 

"But  tree  horses  only  make  me  cood  for  mine 
coods." 

"  Then  three  shalt  thou  have  "  I  exclaimed.  "  Yes, 
I  swear  it  by  the  honor  of  a  Confederate  Warrior,  that 
I  will  steal  three  horses  for  this  outraged  Jew.  and  one 

O  / 

for  myself,  before  I  consent  to  a  cessation  of  hostilities, 
or  return  to  the  pursuits  of  philosophy  in  Madison- 
ville  " 

The  Honest  Jew  pressed  me  to  his  bosom  as  we 
parted  in  New  Orleans,  and  promised  to  wait  at  the 


90  THE    MACPHEKSON    LETTERS. 

Opelousas  Depot,  in  Algiers,  until  I  should  send  him 
the  three  horses. 


/Successful  -/Scheme  of  Finance. 

It  was  about  this  time  that  I  put  into  practical  op 
eration  a  great  scheme  of  finance  that  I  had  studied 
out  in  my  secluded  and  meditative  hours,  in  my  dilap 
idated  hospitable  abode  at  Madisonville,  and  I  found 
that  it  worked  to  perfection.  The  principle  is  as 
follows:  Never  invite  a  man  to  drink,  but  always 
drink  when  you  are  asked.  By  the  application  of  this 
simple  rule,  you  get  for  your  own  use  all  the  liquor 
you  pay  for,  and  also  get  a  good  deal  which  doesn't 
cost  you  any  thing. 

I  crossed  the  river  on  the  Canal-street  ferry-boat, 
with  the  firm  determination  not  to  pay  a  cent  for  food, 
lodging,  or  transportation,  during  my  travels.  Since 
then  I  have  passed  through  many  scenes,  which  it  will 
require  a  long  letter  to  describe,  and  I  hereby  give 
notice  to  the  public  that  my  Twelfth  Epistle  will  be 
devoted  to  a  full  and  authentic  account  of  my  travels 
in  the  Louisiana  Lowlands  Low,  and  to  a  description 
of  the  many  strange  adventures  I  have  encountered. 
Yours  unremittingly, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHERSON. 


91 


CHAPTEE  XII. 

THE  GREAT  CONFEDERATE  TRAVELLER  DESCRIBES  HIS  JOURNEY 
THROUGH  THE  LOUISIANA  LOWLANDS  Low. 

NOTE. — Algiers  is  the  name  of  a  small  town  opposite  New  Orleans. 
It  contains  the  depot  of  the  Opelousas  railroad.  Ferry  accommoda 
tions  are  miserable.  At  the  time  this  letter  was  written,  General 
Banks's  brilliant  campaign  through  the  Teche  country  was  in  prog 
ress,  and  had  already  resulted  in  the  destruction  of  the  rebel  army  of 
Western  Louisiana.  Two  thousand  prisoners  had  been  captured, 
and  a  considerable  number  of  them  had  been  confined  in  the  Belle 
ville  Iron  Works  in  Algiers,  which  led  Mr.  Macpherson  to  suppose 

that  the  building  was  in  possession  of  the  Confederates. The 

rebel  army  which  was  so  effectually  dispersed  or  destroyed  by  the 
movement  of  General  Banks,  was  in  command  of  Gen.  Richard  Tay 
lor,  a  son  of  "  Old  Zack,"  the  hero  and  patriot,  whose  devotion  to  his 
country  has  rendered  his  name  dear  to  every  true  American.  As 
Gen.  Banks's  campaign  through  the  Teche  country  seems  not  to 
have  been  generally  understood  at  the  time",  the  author  will  briefly 
give  what  he  supposes  to  have  been  the  theory  of  the  movement. 
"  Why,"  it  was  asked,  "  should  the  United  States  forces  march 
through  a  country,  take  possession  of  it,  and  forthwith  abandon  it, 
leaving  the  inhabitants  who,  expecting  protection,  had  shown  a  love 
for  the  Union,  to  suffer  the  penalty  of  rebel  vengeance  ?  This  would 
be  a  pertinent  inquiry  under  ordinary  circumstances,  but  the  author 
believes  a  brief  statement  of  facts  will  explain  this  matter  to  the  sat 
isfaction  of  every  impartial  reader. 

The  great  object  which  General  Banks  must  have  had  in  view, 
was  the  capture  of  Port  Hudson  and  the  opening  of  the  Mississippi 
river.  But  Port  Hudson  was  a  hundred  and  fifty  miles  above  New 
Orleans,  and  in  order  to  invest  it  successfully,  the  General  required 
every  soldier  in  the  department.  Indeed, with  every  soldier,  his  force 
was  seemingly  inadequate  to  the  undertaking.  The  rebel  garrison 
of  Port  Hudson,  at  the  time  of  its  investment,  in  May,  1863,  number 
ed  seven  thousand  effective  men,  and  at  no  time  during  the  siege  did 
Gen.  Banks  command  more  than  ten  thousand  effective  men.  His 
lines  were  necessarily  much  longer  than  those  of  the  enemy,  and  the 
advantages  were  all  with  the  garrison,  except  in  the  matter  of  sup- 


92  THE    MACPHEESON   LETTEES. 

plies.  In  order  to  besiege  Port  Hudson,  then,  with  any  prospect  of 
success,  it  was  necessary  that  he  should  take  every  available  man 
that  could  be  spared.  But  Taylor,  Monton,  and  Sibley  were  in 
Western  Louisiana  with  a  large  force  of  rebels,  and  if  he  moved  his 
entire  army  to  Port  Hudson,  he  left  his  rear  and  New  Orleans  itself 
exposed  to  the  enemy.  As  he  had  not  a  sufficient  force  to  watch  the 
enemy  in  Western  Louisiana  and  to  invest  Port  Hudson  at  the  same 
time,  it  was  necessary  to  destroy  the  rebel  army  of  Western  Louisiana 
before  Port  Hudson  could  be  invested.  And  this  work  was  most 
successfully  accomplished.  The  Army  of  the  Gulf  accomplished  a 
march  of  three  hundred  miles  in  twenty  days,  fighting  four  battles 
and  winning  as  many  victories.  The  first  battle  was  at  Camp  Bis 
land,  christened  after  a  planter  by  that  name,  whose  plantation,  now 
a  picture  of  ruin  and  desolation,  is  situated  on  the  Teche,  between 
Berwick  City  and  the  village  of  Franklin.  The  rebel  army  of  West 
ern  Louisiana  was  completely  broken  up  and  destroyed  by  the  cam 
paign  ;  and  having  accomplished  this  indispensable  preliminary 
step,  Gen.  Banks  at  once  moved  his  whole  force  against  Port  Hudson. 
Such,  the  author  believes,  was  the  theory  of  the  Teche  campaign — a 
campaign  which,  in  rapidity  of  movement,  in  general  management 
and  important  results,  has  not  been  surpassed  in  the  history  of  this 
war,  if  we  take  into  account  the  number  of  men  engaged. 

Brashear  City  (why  will  people  call  such  insignificant  places  cities  ?) 
is  situated  on  Berwick  Bay,  near  the  confluence  of  the  Teche  and 
Atchafalaya  rivers.  It  was  the  base  of  supplies  in  the  Teche  cam 
paign,  and  the  more  recent  movement  by  which  the  rebel  army  was 
drawn  out  of  Texas,  opening  the  way  for  the  success  of  the  expedi 
tion  to  tlie  Rio  Grande.  The  place  was  recaptured  by  the  rebels  in 
June,  1S63,  almost  without  resistance  by  our  forces ;  and  large  quan 
titles  of  stores,  ammunition,  and  a  considerable  number  of  prisoners, 
fell  into  the  hands  of  the  enemy.  After  the  fall  of  Port  Hudson,  how 
ever,  the  rebels  hastily  evacuated  the  place,  and  just  in  time  to  escape 
capture.  It  is  about  ninety  miles  from  New  Orleans  to  the  west 
ward,  and  the  Opelousas  Eailroad  has  its  present  termini  at  Algiers 
and  Brashear  City.  The  country  between  the  two  places  is  very  low, 
and  wide  forests  are  seen  on  either  hand.  There  are  plenty  of  alliga 
tors  to  be  seen  sunning  themselves,  and  some  are  of  enormous  size; 
although  it  requires  the  Confederate  arithmetic  to  make  them  five 
hundred  feet  long,  as  has  been  done  by  Mr.  Macpherson. The  au 
thor  made  the  journey  described  in  the  following  letter  (i.  e.  as  far  as 
Brashear  City),  in  the  latter  part  of  April,  for  the  first  time;  and  his 
experience  at  the  Brashear  City  Hotel  can  only  be  appreciated  Joy 

those  who  have  visited  "the  Great  Temple  of  Wisdom." He  has 

connected  the  philosophy  of  Macpherson  with  the  ancient  mythology, 


FARE\VELL    TO   THE   CRESCENT    CITY.  93 

because  the  credulity,  mendacity,  passions,  and  habits  of  the  secession 
ists  more  properly  belong  to  the  religion  of  a  pagan  country  than  to 
a  land  and  an  age  of  civilisation.  Cxov.  Moore,  the  last  Chief  Magis 
trate  elected  by  the  people  of  Louisiana,  and  his  itinerant  Legisla 
ture  still  claiming  to  exercise  executive  and  legislative  functions, 
were  frightened  by  the  "  Yankee"  army,  or  the  expectation  of  its  ap 
proach,  and  "  skedaddled"  to  some  indefinite  point,  in.  or  beyond  the 
extreme  western  portion  of  Louisiana.  Moore  still  claims  to  be  gov 
ernor  of  Louisiana.  His  power  is  about  equal  to  that  of  Sancho 
Panza,  who,  like  Moore,  also  gloried  in  the  title  of  "  Governor." 

MADISONVTLLE,  LA., 

May  2,  1863. 

SIR  : — As  Ulysses,  the  much  planning  warrior  of  the 
Greeks,  wandered  the  victim  of  cruel  Fate,  searching 
vainly  for  his  home,  whence  he  sighed  to  return  vic 
torious  from  the  siege  of  Troy,  even  so  was  I  driven 
from  the  paths  of  philosophy,  and  from  my  dilapidated 
hospitable  abode,  by  the  articulate-speaking  voice  of 
Fate,  which  sent  me  forth  the  great  Confederate  Trav 
eller  in  the  Louisiana  Lowlands  Low. 

Taking  passage  on  one  of  those  magnificent  steamers 
belonging  to  the  Canal  street  Ferry,  that  are  fitted  up 
on  a  scale  of  magnificence  surpassing  the  dreams  of 
Fairy  Land,  or  the  splendor  and  glory  which  surround 
the  President  of  the  Confederacy  in  his  stately  and 
oriental  palace  at  Richmond,  I  stood  upon  the  lofty 
deck  and  thus  poured  out  my  soul  to  the  people  of  New 
Orleans :  "  Farewell,"  I  cried  in  tearful  tones,  "  fair 
Crescent  City,  gazing  upon  the  great  old  Father  of 
"Waters !  thee  I  leave  behind.  But  when  I  return,  I 
shall  come  with  banner,  brand,  and  bow,  leading  the 
victorious  and  unconquerable  legions  of  Gen.  R.  Taylor, 
and  exterminating  the  vile  Yankee  foe,  whose. iron  foot 
rests  upon  the  bosom  of  the  Confederacy,  with  terrible 
weight,  as  the  great  Polyphemus,  the  one-eyed  Giant, 


94:  THE    MACPHERSON    LETTERS. 

thirsting  for  human  life,  had  plucked  a  woody  moun 
tain  from  its  base  and  placed  it  on  my  head  !"  I  then 
shouted  three  times,  and  committed  assault  and  battery 
on  a  newsboy  who  offered  me  THE  ERA. 

Arriving  at  Algiers,  a  magnificent  city  opposite 
]N"ew  Orleans,  I  discovered  that  the  Belleville  Iron 
Works  had  fallen  into  the  possession  of  the  Confederacy, 
and  that  it  contained  a  strong  garrison  of  Graybacks, 
numbering  several  hundred.  "  Blessed  be  Jupiter,"  I 
exclaimed,  "the  Father  of  gods  and  men,  and  the 
overshadowing  ruler  of  cloudy  Olympus ! — for  now  I 
perceive  that  the  invader  of  the  Lowlands  Low  has 
been  driven  back  with  terrific  slaughter !"  I  then  sent 
a  dispatch  to  the  President  of  the  Confederacy  in 
Richmond,  announcing  that  General  Banks  had  been  de 
feated  and  completely  wiped  out ;  that  General  R.  Taylor 
had  captured  eighteen  hundred  thousand  Yankee  pris 
oners,  and  that  the  head  of  his  invincible  column  was 
then  in  the  Belleville  Iron  Works  of  Algiers,  protected 
and  watched  over  by  a  strong  line  of  Yankee  sentinels. 

I  then  went  to  the  Yankee  Railroad  Depot,  and  de 
manded  a  free  pass  to  Brashear  City. 

"  By  what  authority,"  inquired  the  Yankee,  "  do  you 
make  that  demand  ?" 

"  By  the  authority  of  the  Southern  Confederacy,"  I 
replied,  "  and  in  virtue  of  my  vow  to  Mars,  the  death- 
scattering  hero  of  bloody  wars,  that  I  will  neither  wash 
my  face  nor  drink  water  until  I  have  exterminated 
every  damned  Yankee  in  Louisiana,  Mississippi,  and 
the  First  Congressional  District  of  Texas!" 

"  You  must  be  Macpherson,"  replied  the  Yankee. 

"  "Well  and  truly  hast  thou  spoken,"  I  answered  him  ; 


THE    CONFEDERATE    RELIGION.  95 

"  I  AM  Macpherson,  the  great  Confederate  traveller, 
whose  Massive  Intellect  will  produce  a  volume  of 
Travels  more  entertaining,  though  less  truthful,  than 
the  tales  of  the  Arabian  Nights." 

"  If  that  won't  pass  -you  over  this  road,"  answered 
the  Yankee,  u  I  don't  know  what  will."  He  then  gave 
me  a  dead-head  ticket  and  introduced  me  to  another 
chap,  who  at  once  made  me  drink  a  bottle  of  cham 
pagne,  after  which  I  started  off  on  my  journey. 

"  Now,  indeed,"  I  exclaimed,  "  is  the  will  of  Jupiter 
made  manifest,  and  heaven  sends  auspicious  omens  ; 
for  I  ride  at  the  expense  of  the  United  States,  and  am 
drunk  to  start  with,  without  cost — the  indispensable 
condition  of  a  Confederate  Traveller  and  "Warn or." 

"  Why  is  it,"  asked  a  chap  in  the  cars,  "  that,  yon 
still  adhere  to  the  religion  of  the  Greeks  and  Eomans, 
believe  in  omens,  and  offer  orisons  to  the  divinities  of 
Olympus,  whose  worship  has  been  overthrown  by  the 
light  of  Christianity  ?" 

u  Untaught  Ignoramus !"  I  answered  ;  "  benighted 
heathen  of  Yankee  darkness !  if  thy  dull  brain  is  ca 
pable  of  comprehending  the  Confederate  principles,  I 
will  explain  them  to  you.  The  Confederate  religion  is 
a  conglomeration  of  the  faith  of  Moses  and  the  intel 
lectual  fables  of  Olympus,  which  have  been  handed 
down  to  us  by  the  greatest  poets  of  the  earth.  As  the 
Jews  believe  they  are  the  chosen  people,  and  a  cussed 
sight  better  than  anybody  else,  so  do  the  Confederates 
believe  that  they  are  the  salt  of  the  earth — a  position 
fully  sustained  by  the  large  saline  deposits  near  New 
Iberia.  So  far,  then,  our  faith  is  founded  on  Moses 
and  the  Israelites  generally  ;  but  the  rest  of  it  corre- 


96  THE    MACPHEKSON    LETTERS. 

spends  pretty  faithfully  with  the  pagan  religion,  except 
that  ours  surpasses  the  pagan  in  the  magnificent  splen 
dor  of  its  fables.  Let  me  illustrate  this  point  to  your 
ignorance-besotted  mind.  Ancient  Troy  was  a  village 
about  half  the  size  of  Algiers,  arid  the  siege  of  the 
place  was  a  series  of  fist-encounters  between  Ajax, 
Ileenan,  Priam,  and  other  prize-fighters.  But  Homer 
has  converted  his  pugilists  into  demigods,  and  has  in 
troduced  nearly  all  the  gods  of  heaven,  earth,  and  hell 
as  interested  spectators,  or  active  co-operationists.  For 
all  this  there  was  a  slight  foundation  in  truth  ;  and  the 
Confederate  Religion  differs  from  and  surpasses  the 
ancient,  in  the  fact  that  its  biggest  stories  and  achieve 
ments  have  no  foundation  in  fact  whatever !"  I  then 
presented  him  with  a  copy  of  Macpherson's  Confed 
erate  Arithmetic,  and  told  him.  that  if  his  muddy  and 
debased  brain  could  comprehend  it,  he  was  smarter 
than  I  was. 

The  people  along  the  road  turned  out  by  millions  to 
see  me,  as  the  train  passed  on  through  the  Lowlands 
Low,  all  giving  a  hundred  and  fifty  cheers  and  fifty 
tigers,  in  honor  of  the  Plato  of  the  Confederacy  and 
the  Yenus  of  Madisonville,  whose  Mammoth  Brain 
first  brought  together  in  a  condensed  and  intelligible 
form  the  famous  religion  and  philosophy  of  the  ISTew 
ISTation,  which  are  destined  to  sweep  every  other  from 
the  earth,  from  Greenland's  Icy  Mountains  to  India's 
Coral  Strand. 

The  car  in  which  I  was  seated  was  soon  filled  with 
bouquets,  hurled  at  me  through  the  window,  formed 
of  red,  white,  and  red,  indicative  of  the  Confederate 
flag,  and  in  imitation  of  those  .which  the  Confederates 


MACPHKRSON    SHOOTS    AN    ALLIGATOR.  97 

of  New  Orleans  have  been  accustomed  to  throw  at  the 
players,  since  the  damnable  despotism  of  U.  S.  will 
not  permit  them  to  tnrow  out-and-out  secession  flags. 
At  last,  the  accumulated  weight  of  bouquets  and  of 
my  Ponderous  Intellect  proved  too  much  for  the  labor 
ing  Engine,  and  it  gave  out,  when  we  were  kept  wait 
ing  for  three  hours,  surrounded  by  impenetrable  woods 
and  dirty  water,  moccasin  snakes  and  deep  lagoons, 
overhung  by  weeping  cypress-trees,  and  echoing  for 
ever  with  the  melodious  notes  of  bull-frogs  and  alli 
gators. 

Then  it  was  that  I  walked  into  the  gloomy  forest, 
and  recalled  to  my  mind  the  adventure  of  Balboa,  who 
discovered  the  Pacific  Ocean,  and  wading  into  it  up  to 
his  waist,  stretched  forth  his  sword  and  took  possession 
of  that  important .  stream  in  the  name  of  his  king. 
Therefore  I  waded  into  a  mud-hole  up  to  the  top  of  my 
breeches,  and  stretching  forth  my  brawny  arm,  took 
possession  of  it  in  the  name  of  the  Southern  Confed 
eracy  ! 

Macphersorf  s  Interview  with  an  Alligator  five  hundred 
feet  long. 

As  I  was  wallowing  back,  I  met  an  alligator  five 
hundred  feet  long  by  Confederate  measurement,  which 
is  equal  to  ten  feet  in  Yankee  mathematics.  I  imme 
diately  drew  my  Jeff.  Davis  revolver,  a  terrible  brass- 
mounted  weapon,  presented  to  me  by  the  ladies  of 
Doctor  Palmer's  congregation,  and  shot  the  animal,  ex 
pecting  to  see  him  die  at  my  feet.  He  paid  no  attention 
to  it,  but  rolled  over  in  the  dirt  and  yawned,  as  though 
nothing  had  happened.  Then  it  was  that  my  mind 

5 


98  THE   MACPHEKSON    LETTERS. 

was  filled  with  admiration  and  love  for  the  noble  ani 
mal,  to  whom  I  delivered  the  following  able  address  : 
"Majestic  Confederate  mudsill! — aboriginal  inhab 
itant  of  the  Louisiana  Lowlands  Low  ! — thou  art  im 
pregnable  as  the  defenses  of  Camp  Bisland,  and 
impervious  to  water  and  mud  alike.  Would  to  heaven 
that,  deployed  as  skirmishers  in  R.  Taylor's  army,  you 
might  wade  in  Yankee  blood,  even  as  now  you  wallow 
in  mud,  the  natural  ally  of  the  Southern  Confederacy  !" 

Arrival  at  Tigerville. 

The  engine  having -been  repaired,  it  gave  a  Confed 
erate  snort,  and  with  lightning  in  its  eye  and  steel  in 
its  sinews,  drew  us  to  Tigerville,  just  as  the  sombre 
mantle  of  all-enshrouding  night  settled  over  the  earth. 
The  conductor  shouted  "  Tigerville,"  and  I  looked  out, 
expecting  to  see  a  city  equal  to  Madisonville,  but 
could  discover  nothing  but  a  wide  and  lonely  forest,  in 
which  the  deep-laid  shadows  seemed  to  conceal  a  thou 
sand  phantom  forms.  But  as  the  train  moved  on 
again,  I  got  a  sight  at  Tigerville,  which  apparently 
consisted  of  a  grocery  store  and  a  brass  kettle  ;  and  I 
found  that  by  a  miraculous  junction  of  nature  and  art, 
while  the  engine  was  in  the  centre  of  the  city,  the  rear 
car,  in  which  I  was  seated,  was  in  the  midst  of  prime 
val  forests,  stretching  away  for  miles  on  either  hand. 

At  last  we  reached  Brashear  City,  a  town  larger 
than  New  Orleans,  if  you  include  the  woods.  A  pe 
culiarity  of  this  city  is,  that  it  has  no  streets. 


BEASHEAE   CITY    HOTEL.  99 

The  great  Temple  of  Wisdom  at  JSraskear  City. 

Immediately  I  proceeded  to  the  Brashear  City 
Hotel,  which  I  soon  discovered  was  a  vast  temple  of 
wisdom  and  economy.  It  so  strongly  resembles  my 
dilapidated  hospitable  abode  in  Madisonville,  that  I 
burst  into  tears  as  the  sweet  image  of  that  home  arose 
before  me  with  the  Idiotic  Boy,  now  the  exponent  of 
Confederate  Philosophy,  and  of  my  spouse,  who  sighs 
for  the  return  of  her  roving  protector,  even  as  Penelope 
sighed  for  the  return  of  Ulysses ;  but  I  hope  she  has 
fewer  su-itors  than  the  excellent  Greek  lady  alluded  to. 

Calling  for  supper,  I  was  told  that  none  could  be 
had  ;  as  it  was  past  the  usual  hour,  and  the  chief  cook 
had  gone  to  bed.  Then  was  I  filled  with  admiration 
at  the  Arcadian  simplicity  of  life  in  those  remote  re 
gions,  where  the  repose  of  a  cook  begins  at  nine  o'clock 
in  the  evening,  and  is  guarded  by  the  changeless  law 
of  custom.  Gladly,  therefore,  did  I  go  to  my  room, 
suppeiiess. 

The  apartment  in  which  I  was  placed,  and  from 
which  a  Yankee  was  expelled  to  make  room  for  me, 
filled  me  with  love  and  admiration  beyond  the  power 
of  language  to  describe.  There  was  such  an  absence 
of  all  luxuries,  or  even  necessaries  of  life,  that  I  at  once 
saw  that  the  architect  and  proprietor  of  the  establish 
ment  \vas  a  philosopher  and  a  political  economist. 
The  rude  walls  were  constructed  of  rough  Confederate 
boards,  undefiled  by  the  carpenter's  plane,  the  luxu 
rious  covering  of  the  paper  manufactory,  or  the  un 
necessary  embellishment  of  the  white-washer's  brush. 


100  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTEKS. 

';  Thanks  to  Jupiter !"  I  exclaimed,  "  the  wall-paper 
which  might  otherwise  have  been  wasted  upon  tliese 
walls,  can  now  be  used  for  publishing  secession  jour 
nals."  I  then  got  into  bed,  and  pulled  down  the  mus- 
quito-net.  I  discovered  that  the  mattress  was  made 
of  cane-stalks,  the  products  of  my  native  Louisiana, 
with  an  immense  one  in  the  centre,  very  convenient  to 
hang  upon  to  keep  one's  self  in  bed.  The  only  unne 
cessary  luxury  I  observed  consisted  of  two  table-cloths 
on  the  bed  in  place  of  sheets ;  and  I  got  up  early  in 
the  morning,  thinking  they  might  be  needed  for  use 
on  the  table.  I  had  not  been  in  bed  a  great  while  be 
fore  the  musquitoes,  that  were  buzzing  by  millions 
around  the  net,  commenced  pouring  through  in  close 
column  by  battalions ;  while  an  immense  force  was  held 
back  as  a  reserve  to  fill  up  the  ranks  shattered  by  the 
death-scattering  blows  of  my  manly  arm.  Now  it  was 
that  a  great  physical  rencounter  commenced,  surpassing 
in  bloody  destruction  the  battle  of  Forts  Jackson  and 
St.  Philip.  I  slaughtered,  them  without  mercy  ;  but  I 
found  that  the  wide  forests  surrounding  the  city  were 
filled  with  dauntless  legions ;  and  however  many 
millions  I  might  destroy,  it  was  probable  that  I  should 
be  compelled  at  last  to  surrender  to  overpowering 
numbers.  Therefore,  I  thought  I  would  try  to  stop  up 
some  of  the  holes  in  the  musquito-net.  I  stuck  my 
hat  into  one  of  them,  my  boots  into  two  others,  my 
breeches  into  another,  my  Confederate  coat  and  vest 
into  another,  and  finally,  the  washstand  and  pitcher 
into  the  biggest  one.  But  these  precautions  scarcely 
checked  the  overpowering  advance  of  the  hostile 
armies,  and  I  went  to  tying  up  the  holes  in  knots, 


<k>vi  'irfcJtfeaa  '  'j  101 


until  I  had  tied  twenty-five  hundred  by  the  Confeder 
ate  arithmetic,  which  is  fifty  in  Yankee  mathematics ; 
but  all  to  no  avail.  I  at  last  collected  the  carcasses  of 
the  slain,  and  piled  them  up  around  me  ;  after  which  I 
was  enabled  to  enjoy  a  night  of  strength-nourishing 
repose. 

Arising  in  the  morning,  I  discovered  that  there  was 
no  soap  in  the  room,  which  I  regarded  as  a  high  per 
sonal  compliment  to  my  cleanliness ;  it  was  as  much 
as  an  admission  on  the  part  of  the  landlord,  that  I  was 
clean  enough  already.  Neither  was  there  any  looking- 
glass;  and  I  knew  at  once  that  the  landlord  did  not 
mean  to  encourage  the  sentiments  of  worldly  pride, 
engendered  in  men  and  women  when  they  survey  their 
persons  in  a  glass. 

I  immediately  took  passage  for  Opelousas,  whence  I 
walked  to  Shreveport  to  find  Governor  Moore  and  the 
Legislature,  the  custodians  of  the  civil  rights  of  Louisi 
ana,  and  the  guardians  of  the  State  treasury. 

Interview  with  Governor  Moore. 

I  inquired  diligently  for  them,  but  the  inhabitants 
reported  that  they  had  left  some  time  previous,  at 
double-quick,  carrying  the  treasury  and  archives  in  a 
one-horse  cart.  I  followed  on  and  reached  the  Red 
River ;  and  there  I  discovered  Governor  Moore  weeping 
on  a  stump,  in  the  depths  of  a  dismal  forest,  surround 
ed  by  insects  and  wild  beasts.  Seeing  me,  he  fell  upon 
my  neck  and  cried  like  a  child.  "  Guardian  -of  law 
and  order!"  I  exclaimed  ;  "protector  of  States'  rights 
and  the  treasury,  dauntless  commander-in*-chief  of  the 


102 

State  militia  !  tliee  do  I  embrace  in  fraternal  and  un 
dying  Confederate  affection.  Tell  me,  I  pray  thee,  the 
cause  of  thine  overwhelming  grief." 

"  Macpherson  !"  he  said,  in  tearful  tones;  "look 
here  on  this  picture,  and  then  on  this.  When  I  took 
charge  of  the  Legislature,  it  sat  in  the  fine  State-house 
at  Baton  Rouge,  and  I  was  the  proud  potentate  of  the 
great  sugar-planting  State,  while  the  treasury,  was 
overflowing  with  funds.  But  where  am  I  now  ?" 

"  In  a  swamp,  on  a  stump  !"  I  replied. 

"  Where  is  the  treasury  ?"  he  continued. 

"  That's  what  I'm  after,"  I  answered. 

"  Well,  thou  shalt  see  it,"  lie  replied  ;  whereupon  he 
led  me  to  the  borders  of  a  mud-hole,  and  drawing  aside 
the  thick  overhanging  foliage,  displayed  to  my  vision 
a  one-horse  cart  attached  to  a  mule,  and  both  stuck  in 
the  mud.  "To  this  complexion  hath  it  come  at  last !" 
he  groaned ;  "  for  you  see  before  you  the  archives  and 
the  treasury  of  the  State  !" 

I  immediately  overhauled  the  contents,  and  discov 
ered  the  Act  of  Secession,  of  January  26, 1861 ;  a  copy 
of  Macpherson's  Confederate  Arithmetic,  by  which  he 
had  tried  to  multiply  0  by  50,  and  so  fill  the  treasury ; 
and  an  order  conscripting  all  able-bodied  niggers  into 
the  Confederate  ranks  as  soldiers.  "  Those,"  said  the 
Itinerant  Moore,  "  are  the  State  archives.  Look  now 
at  the  treasury."  I  looked,  and  discovered  a  five-cent 
shinplaster  on  the  bank  of  West  Baton  Eouge,  a  blue 
car-ticket,  and  a  receipt  for  two  barrels  of  whisky. 
"  That;"  said  the  weeping  Moore,  "  is  what  remains  of 
the  wealth  of  Louisiana,  after  passing  through  the  fiery 
ordeal  of  civil  war,  and  the  more  trying  ordeal  of  my 


MACPHEESON   IN   THE  LEGISLATURE.  103 

policy.  The  mule  represents  the  motive  power  of  the 
Confederacy,  and  the  whole  concern  is  now  stuck  in 
the  mud." 

"  But  the  glory  of  the  New  Nation  still  remains,"  I 
answered  him.  "  Jeff.  Davis  still  sits  enthroned  in 
oriental  magnificence  in  Richmond,  and  the  Idiotic 
Boy  is  monarch  of  Confederate  Philosophy.  Let  us 
arise  and  exterminate  the  Yankee  race !" 

We  arose,  arid  taking  me  to  the  recesses  of  an  im 
mense  hollow  tree,  I  discovered  the  Legislature  in  ses 
sion.  It  consisted  of  three  members,  all  dead  drunk. 
"  Join  us,"  said  the  governor ;  and  I  joined.  We 
soon  became  happy  in  the  consciousness  that  we  might 
soon  recover  the  whole  territory  of  the  United  States. 
I  was  accordingly  elected  a  member  of  the  Legislature, 
and  we  forthwith  passed  an  act  declaring  the  power  of 
the  Yankees  at  an  end,  and  seizing  the  whole  conti 
nent  of  America,  in  the  name  of  the  Southern  Con 
federacy,  the  said  act  to  take  effect  immediately. 
"Thanks  to  Jupiter!"  I  exclaimed  ;  "the  war  is  now 
at  an  end ;  the  North  is  subdued,  and  the  flag  of  the 
New  Nation  floats  in  triumph  over  every  inch  of  ground 
on  the  vast  continent."  We  then  got  blind  drunk, 
from  which  I  was  aroused  by  the  recollection  that  a 
week  before  i  had  made  a  vow  of  larceny,  and  had 
promised  to  steal  three  horses  for  the  Honest  Jew,  who 
had  promised  to  wait  in  Algiers  until  I  should  send 
him  the  specified  number  of  animals.  I  accordingly 
started  off  at  double-quick,  and  returned  to  the  Yankee 
headquarters  at  Opelousas. 


THE   MAOPHEKSON    LETTERS. 


The  Vow  of  Larceny  fulfilled. 

I  was  there  advised  that  the  late  battle-field  of  Camp 
Bisland  afforded  great  facilities  for  stealing  horses,  and 
thither  I  went.  Looking  around,  I  discovered  not  less 
than  sixty  animals,  and  I  immediately  telegraphed  to 
the  Honest  Jew,  that  if  he  would  come  up  there,  I 
would  give  him  thirty  horses  instead  of  three.  He 
went  and  met  me  with  a  glowing  face  on  that  field  of 
bloody  encounter,  in  which  R.  Taylor's  forces  drove 
the  Yankees  thirteen  hundred  miles  in  thirteen  hours, 
averaging  a  hundred  miles  to  the  hour.  He  immedi 
ately  embraced  me. 

"You  pe  vun  shentlemans,"  said  he;  "I  bays  your 
pills  at  the  hotel." 

"All  right,"  I  answered  him;  "there  are  sixty 
horses  up  there;  you  shall  have  thirty;  take  your 
pick." 

He  started  off  on  the  run,  but  soon  returned  with 
fire  and  indignation  in  his  eyes. 

"  You  pe  vun  tarn  fillain  !"  he  exclaimed. 

"  What's  the  matter,  sweet  one  !"  I  asked,  in  a  tone 
of  tenderness. 

"  You  tarn* fillain  !  the  horses  pe  every  vun  tead !" 

"  Dead  !"  I  exclaimed,  "  and  so  young — the  oldest 
not  being  quite  twenty!  But  weep  not,  my  Honest 
Jew ;  they  died  in  the  sacred  cause  of  the  Southern. 
Confederacy.  Dulce  et  decorum  est  pro  patrid  mori. 
You  never  tried  it,  poor  Jew,  and  you  never  will. 
But,  I  tell  thee,  I  did  not  promise  that  the  horses 
should  be  alive;  and  now,  O  Hermes!  god  of  thieves, 


GREAT   CONFEDERATE   PARSON.  105 

I  have  fulfilled  my  vow  of  blood  and  larceny !"  I 
then  kissed  the  Honest  Jew  and  returned  to  New  Or 
leans,  having  been  invited  to  preach  in  a  secession 
church  on  Sunday,  April  26th,  in  consequence  of  my 
able  exposition  of  the  Confederate  Eeligion  to  the 
Yankee  Ignoramus,  and  in  view  of  the  fact  that  the 
proclamation  of  that  bloody  despot,  Abraham  Lincoln, 
had  been  ordered  to  be  read  in  the  churches  on  that 
day.  The  prevailing  belief  among  the  Confederates 
was,  that  I  was  the  only  Confederate  parson  smart 
enough  to  do  the  thing  up  properly,  and  outwit  the 
dull  Yankee  brain.  Therefore  did  I  haste,  with  wings 
as  swift  as  meditation  or  the  thoughts  of  love,  to  as 
sume  the  robes  of  divinity.  In  my  next  letter,  I  shall 
appear  as  the  Great  Confederate  Parson,  reading  the 
Proclamation,  arid  will  reproduce  the  sermon  I  deliver 
ed  on  that  occasion. 

My  task  for  this  week  is  done.  I  travelled  through  - 
the  Louisiana  Lowlands  Low,  with  a  rapidity  that 
would  do  credit  to  an  engine  on  the  Opelousas  road. 
I  am  the  greatest  traveller  in  the  Confederacy,  and  my 
only  wonder  is  that  my  heart  does  not  swell  with  pride 
and  egotism  when  I  think  of  my  accomplishments. 
But  with  all  my  Massive  Intellect  and  power  in  the 
Confederacy,  I  am  not  egotistic  in  any  degree  beyond 
what  is  warranted  in  the  Confederate  Code  of  Egotism. 
Yours,  modestly, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEKSON. 


106  THE   MACPHEK80N   LETTERS. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

MACPIIERSON  APPEARS  AS  A  CLERGYMAN,  AND  EXPOUNDS  THE 
CONFEDERATE  GOSPEL. — HR  ENCOUNTERS  THE  WEEPING 
ORPHAN,  AND  UNEXPECTEDLY  FINDS  A  LARGE  FAMILY  ON 

HIS    HANDS. — HE    PREACHES    FROM    THE  TEXT  :    "BLOW  YE!" 
ETC.,  ETC. 

NOTE. — President  Lincoln  issued  a  proclamation,  setting  apart  the 
oOtli  day  of  April,  1863,  as  a  day  of  national  humiliation,  fasting,  and 
prayer.  General  James  Bowen,  Provost  Marshal  G  eneral  of  Louisiana, 
issued  a  circular,  in  which  he  "requested"  (that  was  the  word  used) 
all  the  clergymen  officiating  in  the  churches  of  New  Orleans,  Jeffer 
son,  Carrolton,  and  Algiers,  to  read  the  proclamation  of  the  President 
to  their  congregations,  on  Sunday,  the  26th  of  April — the  Sunday  pre 
ceding  the  day  designated  by  the  President.  Some  of  the  clergymen 
paid  no  attention  to  this  request.  Others  read  it,  and  the  reading 
was  made  the  occasion  for  very  noisy  and  disgraceful  demonstrations 
on  the  part  of  the  secessionists  in  the  congregation.  The  women 
took  the  lead  in  the  sacrilegious  proceedings.  The  moment  the  read 
ing  commenced,  they  left  the  churches  in  a  very  noisy  and  offensive 
manner,  shuffling  their  feet,  upsetting  stools,  and*  otherwise  disturb 
ing  the  peace  and  good  order  of  the  sanctuary.  Some  of  the  clergy 
men,  anxious  to  soothe  the  nerves  of  their  secession  hearers,  an 
nounced  that  they  would  read  the  Proclamation  because  they  had 
been  ordered  to  read  it — an  assertion  as  false  as  it  was  cowardly, 
since,  as  has  been  stated  already,  they  were  only  requested  to  read  it. 
One  of  the  clergy  who  neglected  to  read  it  at  all  was  Father  Joubert, 
of  St.  Augustine's  church,  who,  the  author  has  been  told,  refused  to 
administer  the  sacrament  to  colored  men  who^had  enlisted  in  the 
army  ;  thus  making  it  an  offense  punishable  with  eternal  damnation 
for  a  negro  to  fight  for  the  Union !  Father  Lemaitre,  of  the  St.  Hose 
de  Lima,  read  the  proclamation,  and  preached  an  out-and-out  Union 
sermon  to  an  immense  congregation.  He  was  soon  after  excommu 
nicated  by  Archbishop  Odin ;  but  the  author  is  pleased  to  learn  that 
lie  paid 'no  attention  to  his  sentence,  refused  to  be  damned  in  all  his 
parts  for  the  sin  of  being  a  Union  man,  and  still  continues  to  exer 
cise  his  ecclesiastical  offico.  One  clergyman,  whose  congregation  un- 


DISPATCH    FROM   JEFF.    DAVIS.  107 

derstood  only  the  French  language,  read  the  proclamation  in  English  ; 
which  would  seem  to  warrant  Macpherson  in  reading  it  in  the 
./Ethiopic. 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 

_  May  9,  1863. 

SIR  : — I  am  greater  than  Hercules,  the  son  of  Jupi 
ter,  for  he  performed  but  twelve  labors  of  immortal 
distinction  ;  but  I,  having  performed  twelve,  now  enter 
upon  my  thirteenth  with  my  Mammoth  Brain  un- 
diinmed,  and  the  fires  of  genius  glowing  more  brightly 
than  when  I  began. 

Returning  from  my  immortal  travels  through  the 
Louisiana  Lowlands  Low,  I  had  scarcely  set  foot  upon 
the  Levee  at  New  Orleans,  when  a  courier,  mounted 
on  a  Confederate  mule,  came  riding  up  with  the  rapid 
ity  of  lightning.  "  I  am,"  he  said,  u  the  bearer  of  im 
portant  dispatches  from  your  Idiotic  Boy,  the  Great 
exponent  of  Confederate  Philosophy  in  Madisonville, 
since  your  departure  from  your  dilapidated  hospitable 
abode." 

I  opened  the  dispatches  with  a  trembling  hand,  and 
was  startled  at  the  vast  importance  of  the  matter 
therein  contained.  Jeff.  Davis,  whose  mud  image 
stands  upon  my  shelf  in  Madisonville,  and  which  I 
always  approach  with  uncovered  head,  had  telegraphed 
to  the  Idiotic  Boy  as  follows : 


Jeff.  Davis's  Dispatch. 

The  Proclamation  of  Abraham  Lincoln  appointing 
a  day  of  national  humiliation  and  prayer,  must  not  be 
read  in  the  churches  of  JSTew  Orleans ;  or,  if  read,  it 
must  be  received  with  hisses,  howls,  and  Confederate 


103  THE   MACPHEKSON    LETTEES. 

snorts.     Your  father,  James  13.  Macpherson,  is  charged 
with  the  execution  of  this  order. 

I  am,  my  dear  Idiot, 

Your  faithful  imitator, 
JEFF.  DAVIS, 

President  of  the 
American  Continent. 

"  Thanks  to  Jupiter ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  the  son  and 
conqueror  of  Saturn,  whose  thunders  resound  from 
Olympus  like  the  roar  of  a  Confederate  shot-gun  ;  it  is 
my  pleasant  duty  and  province  to  stay  the  tide  of 
Yankee  sacrilege,  and  save  from  defilement  the  great 
Confederate  Temple  of  Holiness  !  "  I  then  looked  at 
the  town-clock  to  see  what  time  it  was,  and  found 
that  it  was  precisely  six  p.  M. 

As  I  was  gazing  upon  the  clock,  whose  massive 
hands  mark  the  rapid  departure  of  the  fleet-footed 
hours,  I  was  tapped  upon  the  shoulder  by  a  man  of 
giant  frame.  His  form  towered  on  ^  high  more  lofty 
than  that  of  the  bloody  despot  Abraham  Lincoln, 
whose  throne  at  Washington  is  built  of  human  skulls, 
and  whose  daily  food  is  a  fricasseed  Southerner.  His 
large  and  glowing  face  was  red  as  a  Confederate  army 
shoe,  and  his  threadbare  gray  garments  showed  me 
plainly  that  he  belonged  to  the  glorious  New  Nation. 
He  gazed  upon  me  with  a  look  of  melting  tenderness 
with  those  fiery  eyes,  beaming  in  their  sunken  sockets 
like  the  orbs  of  night,  or  the  all-warming  sun  in  his 
meridian  glory,  and  falling  at  my  knees,  he  burst  into 
a  flood  of  tears. 

"I  am  a  Weeping  Orphan!"  he  said:  "I  am  six 


THE    WEEPING   ORPHAN".  109 

feet  and  five  indies  high,  and  forty-nine  years  of  age. 
Weight,  two  hundred  and  eighty  pounds." 

"  Unhappy  youth  !  "  I  exclaimed  :  "  thine  enormous 
height  entitles  thee  to  the  sympathy  of  a  Confederate 
philosopher,  even  if  thou,  tender  bud  and  sweet  honey 
suckle  of  affliction,  hadst  not  been  cast  upon  the  cold 
charities  of  the  world  at  a  tender  age." 

"How  do  you  make  that  out?"  asked  a  Yankee,  in 
a  gruff  voice,  interrupting  my  train  of  sublime  medita 
tion  ;  "  up  North  we  call  a  man  of  forty-nine  years 
well  advanced  in  life!" 

"And  so  he  is,"  I  answered,  "in  those  unhappy, realms 
of  Yankeedom  ;  but  in  the  celestial  Confederacy  a  man 
does  not  arrive  at'  the  years  of  discretion  until  he  is 
fifty-one."  I  then  fell  upon  the  breast  of  the  Weeping 
Orphan,  and  told  him  that  I  would  share  with  him  my 
last  crust,  and  invited  him  to  my  quarters  at  the  St. 
Louis  Hotel,  which  invitation  he  accepted  with  flow 
ing  tears  of  gratitude. 

Macpherson  finds  himself  with  a  large  family  on  his 
hands. 

Scarcely  had  we  taken  four  drinks,  before  the  Or 
phan  burst  into  a  flood  of  such  violent  tears  that  I 
feared  the  effect  upon  his  tender  constitution.  "  Oh ! " 
he  cried,  "  what  will  become  of  those  sweet  buds  of 
affection,  my  wailing  infants,  who  groan  for  bread; 
and  my  tender  spouse,  whose  grief  surpasses  my  own  ?" 

"Bring  them  hither,"  I  exclaimed  ;  "I  will  protect 
them  from  the  cold  blasts  of  the  world,  and  fill  their 
months  with  bread  and  jerked  beef." 


110  THE   MACPHERSON    LETTERS. 

"Generous  stranger!"  exclaimed  the  Orphan;  "I 
accept  the  proffered  hospitalities  of  your  house."  He 
then  brought  in  his  family,  which  consisted  of  a  wife 
and  thirteen  children,  and  all  about  the  same  size. 
"  These  are  the  cause  of  my  anxiety,"  he  exclaimed, 
"  and  for  these  I  weep  almost  as  much  as  for  my  own 
bereaved  lot,  cast  as  I  am,  at  a  tender  age,  upon  my 
own  resources." 

"I  will  keep  this  charge  !"  I  answered,  "  and  thou 
slialt  know  that  none  ever  in  vain  appealed  to  the 
charity  of  the  Plato  of  the  Confederacy."  I  then 
ordered  supper  for  the  crowd,  and  found  that  it  would 
cost  me  $85  per  day  to  feed  my  unhappy  guests. 

Sunday  morning,  April  26,  18(53,  dawned  upon  the 
world  with  resplendent  glory.  The  all-beholding  sun 
shone  from 'a  cloudless  sky,  and  the  birds  sang  sweetly 
around  the  lofty  chimneys  of  the  St.  Louis  Hotel, 
where  I  might  have  been  seen  arm-in-arm  with  the 
Weeping  Orphan,  followed  by  his  wife  and  thirteen 
infants,  wending  our  way  towards  the  Great  Confed 
erate  Temple  of  Holiness  in  Camp-street.  The  people, 
attracted  by  the  understanding  that  I  was  to  expound 
the  Confederate  religion,  and  read  Abraham  Lincoln's 
Proclamation  in  a  Confederate  manner,  turned  out  in 
overpowering  numbers.  At  least  three  hundred  thou 
sand  registered  enemies  were  present,  and  as  many 
more  went  away,  unable  to  gain  admittance. 

Not  having  a  pastoral  robe  I  pulled  off  my  coat, 
and  mounted  the  pulpit  in  my  shirt  sleeves,  where  I 
was  received  with  loud  applause.  The  women  waved 
their  handkerchiefs  and  cried,  "God  bless  you!"  I 
was  always  popular  with  the  women  of  New  Orleans, 


CONFEDERATE   SAINTS.  Ill 

and  the  reason  of  it  is  that  I  so  profusely  and  ably 
represent  their  thoughts,  feelings,  and  wishes.  I  am 
endowed  with  the  extraordinary  gift  of  nature,  which 
enables  me  to  read  the  innermost  emotions  and  thoughts 
of  the  human  mind.  I  comprehend  to  its  fullest  extent 
that  deep,  and  intense,  and  passionate,  and  divine  super 
human  hatred,  which  the  true  ladies  of  New  Orleans 
cherish  in  their  glowing  bosoms  for  the  whole  Yankee 
race — a  hatred  as  deep  as  the  twelfth  circle  of  Dante's 
Inferno,  and  as  high  as  the  flag-staff  of  the  St.  Charles 
Hotel  before  it  was  cut  down.  Hate  the  Yankees? 
Yes !  I  hate  thirst,  when  there  is  no  Confederate  rum 
within  a  hundred  miles  of  me  !  I  had  rather  be  a  door 
keeper  in  a  Confederate  hog-pen  than  to  play  a  piano 
in  the  parlor  of  a  Yankee.  Therefore  it  is  that  I  am 
popular  with  the  true  ladies  of  E"ewT  Orleans ;  and  there 
fore  it  is,  that  the  moment  I  stepped  into  the  pulpit  I 
was  loaded  down  with  bouquets  and  sympathy. 

The  audience  began  to  cry  out,  "  Macpherson  !  Mac- 
pherson !"  I  was  about  to  respond,  when,  much  to 
my  astonishment  and  indignation,  the  Weeping  Orphan 
dodged  in  ahead  of  me,  and  with  streaming  eyes  in 
formed  the  people  of  his  unhappy  lot  in  life.  It 
occurred  to  me  that  something  might  be  made  out  of 
the  affair :  I  proposed  that  a  collection  should  be 
taken  up  for  the  weeping  object  of  sympathy  before 
rne.  Three  thousand  dollars  were  collected,  which  I 
put  in  my  own  pocket,  and  then  proceeded  with  the 
exercises. 

"Confederate  saints,"  I  said,  "and  believers  in  the 
only  true  faith,  we  shall  begin  this  performance  by 
singing  a  beautiful  hymn,  composed  by  myself,  and 


112  THE   MACPHKESOBT   LETTEES. 

touchingly  appropriate  to  the  mournful  occasion  on 
which  we  meet." 

YANKEES. 

Hymn  in  L.  M.,  by  Kev.  JAMES  B.   MACPHERSON,  of  Madisonvilley  Poet 
Laureate,  Author,  Philosopher,  Warrior,  and  Traveller. 

1. 

Yankees  have  liorns  and  hoofs  and  tails, 
The  soil  is  blighted  where  they  tread, 

And  be  they  women,  be  they  males, 
I  wish  the  Yankee  race  was  dead. 


Confederate  vengeance,  like  a  blow 

From  the  avenging  hand  of  Fate, 
Shall  lay  all  the  damned  Yankees  low 

In  our  brave  Louisiana  State. 

I  requested  the  choir  to  omit  the  first  and  second 
stanzas  of  the  above  beautiful  hymn,  which  they  did. 
The  singing  concluded,  I  proceeded  to  deliver  my  great 
discourse. 

jM-cicphersmi }s  Sermon. 

"  Confederate  saints  and  ladies,"  I  said,  "  my  text 
this  morning  may  be  found  somewhere,  if  any  of  you 
will  take  the  trouble  to  look  for  it ;  but  a  Confederate 
philosopher  is  necessarily  so  much  engaged  in  rumma 
ging  over  the  Classical  Dictionaries  and  hunting  up 
Olympian  fables  with  which  to  maintain  the  cause  of  the 
Confederacy,  that  I  have  not  had  time  to  ascertain  the 
exact  place  where  it  may  be -found.  The  words  are 
these : 

"'BLOW  YE!' 

"  In  the  text,  as  it  stands  in  the  Book,  I  think  there 


"BLOW  YE!"  113 

is  something  said  about  a  trumpet ;  but  it  is  a  beauti 
ful  and  sublime  feature  of  the  Confederate  religion, 
that  you  can  strike  out  any  part  that  don't  please  you, 
and  add  any  thing  you'd  like  to  see  there.  I  have 
accordingly  struck  out  from  the  text  the  words,  *  the 
trumpet,'  and  this  gives  us  a  splendid  expression  of  the 
basis  of  the  whole  Confederate  establishment,  and  reads 
simply  :  '  Blow  Ye  !'  I  cannot  imagine  how  two  words 
could  possibly  be  found  which  more  fittingly  express 
the  duty  of  every  Confederate.  I  have  searched  the 
annals  of  by-gone  ages  ;  I  have  explored  every  tongue, 
living  and  dead  ;  I  have  sought  in  the  hieroglyphics  of 
Egypt,  the  euphonious  language  of  the  Greeks,  the 
sublime  speech  of  the  Romans,  and  the  fiery  words  of 
the  Gauls;  but  nowhere  have  I  found  two  words  so 
worthy  of  the  obedience  of  every  one  in  the  Confed 
eracy,  as  those  I  have  selected  for  my  text  on  this 
occasion ;  and  therefore  I  cry  with  a  loud  voice : 
Blow  Ye! 

"  I  have  endeavored  to  live  up  to  this  great  funda 
mental  principle  of  the  Confederacy,  and  in  my  life  to 
give  a  touching  and  noisy  example  of  the  faith.  I  am 
the  great  Confederate  Blower,  and  the  reason  of  my 
fame  among  men  is,  that  I  blow  in  a  more  faithful 
manner  than  the  general  run  of  Confederates,  although 
the  average  of  the  Confederate  race  is  but  very  little 
behind  me.  To  the  Confederates  of  New  Orleans  I 
give  the  deserved  and  proud  distinction  of  Blowing  in  a 
manner  perfectly  satisfactory  to  our  King,  Jeff.  Davis, 
President  of  the  American  Continent.  To  you,  fair 
ladies,  whose  beauty  is  unsurpassed  by  Hebe  herself,  I 
award  the  meed  of  supreme  merit  next  to  myself,  in 


Ill  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

living  up  to  this  great  fundamental  principle  of  Con 
federate  faith.  I  defy  any  man  with  a  spark  of  com 
mon  humanity  in  his  breast,  or  the  faintest  gleam  of  com 
mon  sense  in  his  muddy  and  idiotic  brain,  to  mingle 
with  the  Confederates  of  New  Orleans,  whether  in 
public  or  social  life,  and  say  that  they  do  not  faithfully 
follow  the  divine  commandment  of  this  text.  Yes, 
brother  saints  of  both  sexes,  the  Blowing  which  has 
been  done  in  your  city,  vindicates  you  forever  against 
the  foul  suspicion  that'you  meant  what  you  said  when 
you  took  the  oath  of  allegiance  to  the  United  States. 
Continue  in  this  grand  career,  and  you  shall  win  im 
mortal  honor.  As  for  myself,  whether  in  sickness  or 
in  health,  in  victory  or  death,  in  carnage  and  slaughter, 
or  in  peace  and  innocence,  I  will  Blow  and  Blow  for- 
evermore.  Yea,  from  the  table  of  my  memory  I'll 
wipe  away  all  trivial  fond  records,  all  saws  and  books, 
all  forms,  all  pressures  past,  that 'youth  and  observation 
copied  there ;  and  this  commandment  all  alone  shall 
live  within  the  book  and  volume  of  my  brain,  unmixed 
with  baser  matter  !"  I  then  placed  my  hands  inge 
niously  over  rny  mouth,  and  blew  so  fiercely  that  it 
frightened  the  thirteen  infants  of  the  "Weeping  Orphan, 
and  they  cried  in  concert  with  me,  making  a  most 
beautiful  illustration  of  Confederate  theology. 

At  this  stage  of  the  proceedings,  a  delegation  entered 
from  Algiers,  leading  a  small  live  alligator  by  a  red 
string,  which  he  presented  to  me  in  behalf  of  the 
Yankee  Railroad  men  at  the  Algiers  Depot.  The  head 
man  informed  me  that  this  beautiful  animal  was  cap 
tured  in  the  Louisiana  Lowlands  Low,  and  that  the 
captors  presented  him  to  me  as  a  token  of  regard  for 


MACPHEESON'S  SEKMON.  115 

the  noble  animal ;  and  also  that  they  wished  to  know 
his  dimensions  by  Confederate  measurement.  I  found 
that  according  to  the  rules  of  Confederate  Arithmetic, 
he  was  seventy-five  feet  long,  which  is  equal  to  eigh 
teen  inches  by  Yankee  measurement.  And  here  allow 
me  to  say,  that  the  Confederate  Arithmetic  is  perfectly 
simple,  and  if  the  public  will  pay  proper  attention  to 
its  rules,  they  can  learn  to  cipher  as  well  as  I  can,  and 
I  shall  not  then  be  bothered  by  people  coming  to  have 
me  do  their  sums  for  them.  Multiply  every  Yankee 
figure  by  fifty,  and  you  get  the  Confederate  total.  The 
delegation  then  departed,  and  I  resumed  my  discourse, 
having:  sent  the  animal  under  an  escort  of  Stuart's 

o 

cavalry,  to  my  dilapidated  hospital)! e  abode. 

u  Confederate  Saints  !"  I  said,  •'  I  have  now  a  most 
loathsome  and  unholy  duty  to  perform.  I  have  been 
ordered  by  the  Provost  Marshal  'General,  under  the 
penalty  of  death,  to  read  in  your  hearing  a  loathsome 
and  unholy  proclamation  by  that  most  foul  and  un 
natural  despot,  Abraham  Lincoln,  a  tyrant  more  base 
than  Caligula  or  the  princes  of  Central  Africa.  The 
proclamation  fixes  next  Thursday  as  a  day  of  national 
humiliation,  fasting,  and  prayer,  and  I  had  rather  give 
a  thousand  dollars  than  to  read  it  in  my  temple  of 
Confederate  Holiness,  provided  I  was  allowed  to  take 
up  another  collection.  But  my  life  is  of  great  value 
to  the  Confederacy,  and  the  fundamental  faith  of  the 
JSTew  Nation  is,  that  every  man  shall  look  out  for  his 
own  neck.  Hather  than  have  my  able  brain  separated 
from  the  gigantic  frame  on  which  it  now  stands,  I  will 
read  this  most  hateful  proclamation,  and  I  hope  the 
arrangements  will  prove  effective  !" 


116  THE   MACPHEESON    LETTERS. 

I  then  commenced  reading  the  proclamation  in  the 
^Ethiopian  tongue,  and,  simultaneously  with  the  pro 
nunciation  of  the  first  word,  the  whole  audience  gave 
the  Confederate  snort,  while  a  nigger  fiddler  struck  up 
the  R.  Taylor  Gallopade,  and  forty  others  danced  a 
grand  hoe-down  in  the  gallery.  The  Weeping  Orphan 
pinched  his  thirteen  children  until  they '  screamed  at 
the  top  of  their  voice,  and  the  ladies  went  to  upsetting 
stools  and  drumming  on  the  pews  with  their  fan- 
handles.  As  soon  as  the  reading  was  completed,  the 
audience  knelt  and  received  my  benediction. 

Thus  did  I  outwit  the  dull  Yankee  brain  ;  thus  did 
I  obey  the  order  and  trample  it  in  the  dust  at  the  same 
time ;  thus  did  I  save  the  great  temple  of  Confederate 
Holiness  from  defilement  and  sacrilege. 

Returning  from  church,  I  indulged  in  liberal  pota 
tions,  and  made  the  proposition  to  the  Weeping  Or 
phan  of  taking  five  hundred  drinks  in  succession,  and 
we  went  at  it.  I  recollect  swallowing  the  thirtieth,  and 
then  my  Massive  Brain  lost  a  consciousness  of  mundane 
events.  But  when  I  awoke,  I  found  that  the  Weeping 
Orphan  had  stolen  $3,000  out  of  my  pocket,  and  ske 
daddled,  leaving  his  wife  and  thirteen 'children  on  my 
hands  to  support.  Thus,  in  a  moment,  was  I  reduced 
from  luxury  to  abject  penury  and  degrading  poverty; 
and  my  scanty  earnings  barely  sustain  the  life  of  tho 
helpless  ones  that  fortune  has  so  unexpectedly  thrown 
under  the  protecting  aegis  of  my  Benevolence. 

But  such  is  the  fate  of  all  sublunary  greatness.  The 
light  that  streams  down  from  the  morning  sun  is,  ere 
long,  hidden  in  the  shadows  of  all-enshrouding  night. 
The  smile  that  lights  up  the  face  of  innocence  and 


MACPHEKSON   PHILOSOPHISES.  117 

beauty  is  soon  dissipated  and  lost  in  the  haggard  lines 
of  grief.  The  step  of  youth  must  some  day  totter  with 
age ;  the  glory  of  life  is  transient  as  the  meteor's  flash ; 
and  until  I  have  an  opportunity  to  take  up  another 
collection,  or  to  steal  a  thousand  dollars,  I  must  grapple, 
single-handed  and  alone,  with  the  ill  fortunes  of  life, 
and  remain  gaunt  with  famine  and  thirst. 
Yours,  theologically, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEKSON. 


118  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTEBS. 


CHAPTEE  XIY. 

MACPHERSON  AS  A  MILITARY  CHIEFTAIN. — HE  is  APPOINTED 
A  MAJOR  GENERAL  OF  CONFEDERATE  VOLUNTEERS. — HE 
ISSUES  A  PROCLAMATION,  RAISES  AN  ARMY,  AND  WINS 
TWO  BATTLES  IN  A  SINGLE  DAY,  ETC.,  ETC. 

NOTE. — Tlie  rebel  forces  at  Pontchatoula,  the  capture  of  which 
place  has  already  been  noted,  were  composed,  in  part,  of  Choctaw 
Indians.  Some  of  these  were  captured  and  brought  to  New  Orleans 
as  prisoners  of  war. 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 

May  16th,  1863. 

SIR  : — Plunged  suddenly  into  the  depths  of  military 
glory  and  renown,  it  becomes  my  pleasant  duty  to  ac 
quaint  the  admiring  millions  who  read  my  able  pro 
ductions,  that  Jeff.  Davis,  the  great  Confederate  Jupiter, 
has  appointed  and  commissioned  me  a  Major  General 
of  Confederate  Volunteers,  with  my  Idiotic  Boy  as 
Chief  of  Staff,  and  has  erected  this  part  of  the  Con 
federacy  into  a  military  district,  to  be  known  as  the 
Department  of  Madisonville. 

My  first  official  act  was  to  get  blind  drunk  on  Con 
federate  whisky,  after  which  I  directed  my  Idiotic 
Boy  to  issue  my  Proclamation,  as  follows : 

MacpTierson '<§  Proclamation. 

HEAD  QRS.  DEPAR'T  MADISONVILLE, 

Madisonville,  La.,  May  10th,  1863. 

General  Order  No.  1. 

In  accordance  with  the  unparalleled  glory  and  dignity  which 
now  surround  ine,  I  hereby  assume  command  of  the  army  and 


AN   ABSORBING   PROFANITY.  119 

navy  of  the  Department  of  Madisonville.  I  shall  demand  and 
enforce  the  fullest  obedience  to  the  Confederate  Articles  of  War; 
and  all  male  persons  between  the  ages  of  ten  and  one  hundred 
are  hereby  notified  to  report  to  me  at  once,  armed  and  equipped 
for  military  service.  Any  citizen  or  resident  of  this  Department, 
male  or  female,  who  shall  hereafter  pronounce  the  word  u  Yan 
kee"  without  placing  before  it  the  Confederate  adjective  "damned," 
shall  be  hung  without  trial. 

Soldiers  and  females  of  Madisonville!  arise  in  your  might  and 
glory,  and  hurl  the  terrific  thunderbolts  of  merciless  vengeance 
against  the  United  States!  In  me  you  have  a  leader  worthy  of 
your  highest  confidence  and  admiration,  who  will  lead  you  to  im 
mediate  victory  and  undying  renown.  With  my  own  hand  I  will 
plant  the  victorious  Stars  and  Bars  on  the  Custom  House  of  New 
Orleans,  and  on  the  St.  Charles  and  City  hotels ;  and  sweeping 
with  my  legions  like  a  besom  of  death-scattering  destruction,  I 
will  not  pause  in  my  onward  career  of  homicide  and  slaughter, 
until  my  unconquerable  army  shall  enter  the  Arctic  regions,  and 
plant  the  almighty  and  overpowering  flag  of  the  Confederacy 
upon  the  North  Pole,  there  to  float  as  long  as  the  all-nourishing 
earth  shall  revolve  in  the  boundless  and  unfathomable  realms  of 
celestial  space. 

By  order  of  MAJ.  GEX.  JAMES  B.  MACPIIEESON. 

THE  IDIOTIC  BOY,  Chief  of  Staff. 


The  first  extraordinary  result  of  my  promotion  was 
an  absorbing  profanity,  which  compelled  me  to  swear 
every  time  I  opened  my  mouth  ;  and  I  believe  that 
my  experience  in  this  respect  is  similar  to  that  of  most 
military  men.  Whereas,  but  a  few  days  before  I  stood  in 
the  pulpit  and  expounded  the  Confederate  religion  to 
a  benighted  world,  and  presented  myself  as  a  model  of 
the  Christian  virtues  and  graces,  and  a  strict  temper 
ance  man,  I  found,  the  moment  I  put  on  a  uniform,  I 
was  bound  to  swear  like  a  Second  Dragoon,  and  drink 
like  the  Tenth  Infantry. 

"  Where  is  your  army  ?"  asked  the  Idiotic  Boy. 


120  THE   MACPHEKSOK   LETTEKS. 

"  Damn  the  army!"  I  replied.  "It  is  a  peculiarity 
of  Confederate  warfare,  that  a  Major  General  requires 
no  army.  Proclamations,  sir,  proclamations  are  the 
things  with  which  to  crush  the  Yankee  foe.  How  did 
Beauregard  raise  the  blockade  of  Charleston  ?  "With  a 
Proclamation  !  How  did  Magruder  do  the  same  thing 
at  Galveston  ?  With  a  Proclamation  !  How  did  Gov 
ernor  Moore  conscript  the  niggers  in  the  Trans-Missis 
sippi  Department  ?  With  a  Proclamation  !  Are- they 
greater  Generals  than  I?  No,  sir!  You  damned 
Idiot !  talk  to  me  about  an  army !  I'll  show  you 
that  I'm  Major  General  and  Commander  of  the  Depart 
ment.  Pen,  ink,  paper,  and  gas  are  the  only  imple 
ments  necessary  to  secure  a  Confederate  victory  at 
every  step  !"  I  then  wrung  the  Idiot's  nose  and  swore 
to  be  revenged. 

Subsequently  I  determined  to  raise  an  army,  and 
opened  a  Recruiting  Office  in  Madisonville,  and  swore 
that  1  would  fill  the  ranks  at  all  hazards.  I  raised  a 
Confederate  flag  two  hundred  feet  long  by  Confederate 
measurement,  which  is  four  feet  in  Yankee  mathemat 
ics,  and  sent  a  nigger  through  the  streets  pounding  on 
a  tin  pan  to  drum  up  recruits.  The  first  one  that  came 
in  was  seventy-four  years  of  age,  blind  in  one  eye, 
walking  on  two  crutches,  and  armed  with  a  buzz-saw. 

"Welcome!"  I  exclaimed,  "young  and  ardent  sol 
dier  of  your  country,  to  the  headquarters  of  Confeder 
ate  glory.  You  are  the  nucleus  of  the  army  of  this 
department,  and  I  will  lead  you  to  endless  conquest !" 
He  then  whirled  his  buzz-saw  and  took  his  place  in 
line-of-battle.  I  conscripted  two  niggers  to  hold  him 
up  on  his  crutches  while  he  should  fight. 


A   COLUMN   IN   ORDEE   OF   BATTLE.  121 

Finding  that  this  patriotic  youth  was  the  only  per 
son  who  would  voluntarily  enlist,  or  voluntarily  obey 
my  orders,  I  resolved  to  enforce  my  authority  at  the 
point  of  the  sword,  'mid  scenes  of  broil  and  battle.  1 
therefore  mounted  the  Confederate  Mule,  the  same  an 
imal  that  carried  me  to  New  Orleans  when  1  attended 
the  great  Charity  Fair,  and  drawing  my  shining  blade 
with  a  Confederate  flourish,  placed  myself  at  the  head 
of  the  column,  determined  to  lead  in  person,  according 
to  Macpherson's  Confederate  Tactics,  a  profound  work 
on  military  science,  which  I  had  compiled  the  night 
before.  I  marched  off  in  the  following  order :  1st. 
The  General  Commanding,  viz.,  myself.  2d.  Music, 
viz.,  the  nigger  with  a  tin  pan.  3d.  The  column  in 
order  of  battle,  consisting  of  the  patriotic  youth,  sup 
ported  on  either  flank  by  an  African. 

I  determined  to  make  my  first  demonstration  on  the 
abode  of  a  Choctaw  Indian,  who  had  some  time  been 
seen  about  Madisonville  dressed  in  the  peculiar  and 
fantastic  style  of  his  race.  Halting  in  front,  I  gave 
the  order  to  deploy  column  in  the  back  yard,  for  the 
purpose  of  cutting  off  retreat,  while  1  should  attack  in 
front,  with  the  musician  supporting  me  as  a  reserve. 
These  dispositions  having  been  made  on  scientific 
principles,  I  gave  the  Confederate  snort,  the  great  sig 
nal  of  attack.  The  Indian,  started  from  his  morning 
slumbers,  without  waiting  to  dress,  jumped  out  of  a 
side  window  and  cut  for  the  woods.  "  Sweet  Choc- 
taw  !"  I  exclaimed,  "for  the  moment  thy  speed  gives 
thee  success ;  but  this  is  no  fault  of  my  tactics,  and 
thou  owest  thy  safety  to  the  fact  that  I  have  not  an 
adequate  force  to  support  my  flanks.  If  thou  thinkest 

6 


122  THE  MACPHERSON   LETTEES. 

me  deficient  in  the  art  of  war,  try  and  make  thine  es 
cape  through  the  back  yard,  over  my  invincible  col 
umn  !"  I  then  put  spurs  to  my  mule,  and  started  in 
pursuit.  After  a  race  of  two  miles,  I  overtook  him 
and  held  him,  while,  in  obedience  to  my  orders,  the 
column  came  up,  and  the  Choctaw  was  conscripted, 
and  took  his  place  in  line  of  battle,  a  willing  and  obe 
dient  soldier  of  the  Confederacy.  "  The  Great  Spirit," 
I  said  to  him,  "will  not  send  any  Choctaw  id  the 
happy  Hunting  Grounds,  unless  he  fights  for  the  Con 
federacy."  The  column  then  marched  back  to  Madi- 
sonville. 

My  Chief  of  Staff  reported  a  case  of  gross  and  dam 
nable  insubordination,  which  I  resolved  to  punish  in 
Confederate  style,  with  the  fullest  extremity  of  military 
vengeance.  A  young  and  able-bodied  man,  only  sixty 
years  of  age,  living  in  the  suburbs  of  the  city  of  Madi 
son  ville,  had  disregarded  the  order  to  enlist,  and  had 
concealed  himself  in  the  woods,  armed  with  a  shot-gun, 
determined  to  die  rather  than  take  up  arms  against  the 
United  States.  I  immediately  ordered  my  forces, 
white  and  Choctaw,  to  advance,  and  halted  at  the  res 
idence  of  the  accursed  Yankee.  Dismounting,  I  en 
tered  the  house,  where  I  found  a  woman  and  five  chil 
dren.  "Where,"!  demanded  in  tones  of  thunder, 
flourishing  my  sword,  and  stamping  my  foot,  "  where, 
woman,  is  thy  Yankee  husband  ?" 

"  Oh,  sir  !"  said  she,  falling  at  my  feet,  and  looking 
imploringly  in  my  face,  "  for  the  love  of  Heaven,  spare 
him  !  He  is  old  and  feeble,  and  we  shall  starve  with 
out  him.  We  are  poor  and  hungry,  and  he  is  our  only 
hope.  Look  upon  my  children,  and  pity  us." 


CONFEDERATE    JUSTICE.  123 

"What  are  children  to  me,  or  I  to  children?"  I 
asked.  "  I  am  a  Confederate  General,  sworn  to  win 
innumerable  battles  with  this  shining  sword,  and  to 
exterminate  the  whole  vile  race  of  detested  Yankees. 
Your  husband  shall  die  !  He  is  a  Yankee  !" 

"  He  is  not  a  Yankee,"  said  the  woman  ;  "  he  was 
born  and  raised  in  Louisiana." 

"  What  do  I  care  where  he  was  born  ?"  I  answered. 
"  Every  man  who  does  not  fall  down  and  worship  Jeff. 
Davis  and  the  Southern  Confederacy,  and  is  not  will 
ing  to  leave  wife. and  children  behind  him  to  starve  to 
death,  for  the  sake  of  Southern  independence,  the  same 
is  a  Yankee,  and  shall  suffer  death  ?"  I  then  ordered 
the  Choctaw  Division  to  advance,  with  two  blood 
hounds  thrown  out  in  front,  as  skirmishers  and  detect 
ives,  and  gave  orders  to  bring  the  villain,  alive  if  pos 
sible,  but  dead,  if  necessary.  The  Division  gave  the 
Choctaw  warwhoop  and  advanced  at  the  double-quick, 
and  the  bloodhounds  soon  got  on  the  scent.  In  a  few 
hours  the  accursed  villain  was  brought  to  my  head 
quarters,  bleeding  from  wounds  inflicted  by  my  skir 
mishers. 

"  I  am  old  and  feeble,"  he  began  to  say,  "  and 
wholly  unable  to  bear  arms." 

"  Silence !"  I  exclaimed.  "  Perhaps  your  benighted 
and  besotted  mind  does  not  understand  the  great  fun 
damental  principles  of  Confederate  Justice,  so  beauti 
fully  illustrated  in  the  official  career  of  General  Hind- 
man,  who  reprieved  two  men  after  they  had  been  shot. 
It  is  a  peculiarity  in  our  system  of  jurisprudence,  that 
we  understand  a  case  without  asking  any  questions, 
and  convict  and  punish  a  man  without  investigating 


124:  THE   MAOPHEESON   LETTERS. 

his  case.  I  have  Confederate  brains  in  my  head,  and 
it  is  as  clear  to  me  as  the  light  which  beams  from  the 
all-beholding  sun,  that  you  are  a  Yankee  Abolitionist-. 
You  will,  therefore,  prepare  for  instant  death." 

A  gallows  was  erected  in  front  of  his  house,  and  he 
was  hung  by  the  Choctaw  Division,  under  my  order. 
As  an  act  of  mercy,  I  permitted  his  wife  and  children 
to  witness  the  execution. 

Thus,  in  a  single  day,  did  I  raise  and  equip  a  Con 
federate  army,  discipline  them,  put  them  on  a  war 
footing,  and  win  two  battles.  I  retired  for  the  night, 
thankful  for  the  success  of  my  patriotic  efforts,  and 
panting  for  glory  upon  the  field  of  carnage. 
Yours  undeviatingly, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEESON. 


A  MIDNIGHT   ASSASSIN*  125 


CHAPTEE  XY. 

MACPHERSON  ENCOUNTERS  AND  SHOOTS  A  MIDNIGHT  ASSAS 
SIN.— HE  CONSCRIPTS  NEGROES,  AND  ADDRESSES  THEM  IN 
A  MANNER  CALCULATED  TO  AROUSE  TEIEIR  ZEAL  IN  THE  CON 
FEDERATE  CAUSE. — HE  APPOINTS  HIS  STAFF,  ETC.,  ETC. 

NOTE. — In  the  following  letter  the  author  attempted  to  exhibit  the 
Southern  method  of  treating  negroes,  and  the  inducements  which  the 

Richmond  Government  might  offer  them  to  serve  in  their  cause. 

"  The  Inconsolable  Thug,"  who  receives  a  staff  appointment,  is  a  gentle 
man  whose  history  has  been  omitted  in  this  volume.  He  had  a  phys 
ical  fight  with  Macpherson,  in  which  the  Confederate  Philosopher 
was  so  badly  worsted  that  he  had  to  wear  his  head  bandaged  with 
"  a  material  poultice"  for  some  weeks. 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 

May  23,  1863. 

SIK  : — Arousing  from  a  dream,  I  looked  up  and  saw 
a  Midnight  Assassin  stealing  into  my  room  with  fierce 
looks,  and  with  a  dagger  in  his  hand,  which  he  pur 
posed  to  plunge  into  my  vitals.  This  sight  it  was  that 
harrowed  up  my  soul,  froze  my  young  blood,  made  my 
two  eyes,  like  stars,  start  from  their  spheres,  my  knot 
ted  and  combined  locks  to  part,  and  each  particular 
hair  to  stand  on  end  like  quills  upon  the  fretful  porcu 
pine  !  "Is  this  a  dagger  which  I  see  before  me?"  I 
exclaimed  :  "  or  art  thou  but  a  dagger  of  the  mind  ;  a 
false  creation,  proceeding  from  the  rum-oppressed 
brain  ?  Avaunt !  and  quit  my  sight !  Let  the  earth 
hide  tliee !" 

But  the  earth  declined  to  do  it,  and  the  stealthy 
Midnight  Assassin,  with  murder  in  his  heart  and  the 


126  THE   MACPHEESON  LETTERS. 

instrument  of  death  in  his  hand,  stood  over  me,  ready 
to  perpetrate  his  crime  of  blood.  "  Such,"  I  thought, 
"is  the  unhappy  lot  of  greatness;  to  be  exposed  to  the 
shafts  of  malignant  envy,  to  be  watched,  hunted,  fol 
lowed,  assassinated  !  Oh  that  I  were  but  an  ordinary 
man  !  Oh  that  nature  had  withholden  from  me  the 
prolific  gifts  of  Genius,  and  the  masterly  qualities  of  a 
military  commander!  Then  I  might  have  lived  in 
quiet  seclusion  and  peace ;  but  now  I  must  die  the  vic 
tim  of  envied  greatness !"  It  then  occurred  to  me 
that  as  a  great  Confederate  General,  it  might  be  proper 
to  show  fight,  and  die  in  heroic  combat,  falling  with 
my  face  to  the  foe.  "  "What  man  dares,  I  dare  !  "  I 
exclaimed.  "Approach  thou  like  the  rugged  Russian 
Bear,  the  armed  Rhinoceros,  or  the  Hyrcan  Tiger, 
and  my  firm  nerves  shall  never  tremble !  "  As  I  said 
this,  the  cold  perspiration  stood  upon  my  forehead.  I 
then  drew  my  Jeif.  Davis  revolver  from  under  iny 
head,  and  shot  the  villain  dead  on  the  spot! 

The  moment  I  had  committed  this  deed  of  homicide, 
my  conscience  reproved  me,  and  trembling  with  fear, 
I  wrapped  my  head  up  tight  in  the  Confederate  Blan 
ket  which  always  covers  my  martial  couch.  "  I  am," 
I  said,  "  a  foul  and  unnatural  murderer ;  and  if  justice 
dwells  in  Madisonville,  I  shall  be  hung  by  the  neck 
until  I  am  dead  !" 

Aurora  at  last  mounted  her  golden  chariot,  and  the 
light  of  morning  shed  its  celestial  lustre  over  the  man- 
inhabiting  earth.  But  I,  overcome  by  a  consciousness 
of  guilty  homicide,  dared  not  look  up  for  two  hours. 
Then  I  was  moved  by  a  conviction  of  duty,  and  wish 
ing  to  drill  my  army  in  Confederate  tactics,  I  resolved 


MADISONVILLE   CONGO   GUARDS.  127 

to  leap  boldly  from  my  couch,  gaze  indifferently  upon 
the  mangled  remains  of  my  victim,  and  deny  all  knowl 
edge  of  the  transaction.  Therefore,  hurling  the  per 
spiration-besmeared  blanket  from  my  august  person,  I 
leaped  from  the  bed  and  opened  my  eyes,  to  fix  them 
on  the  dead  corse  of  my  red-handed  homicide.  But  I 
discovered  that  nobody  was  hurt.  There  was,  how 
ever,  a  distinct  bullet-hole  in  my  Gray  Confederate 
breeches,  that  were  hanging  on  a  chair  at  the  foot  of 
the  bed ;  and  these  I  had  mistaken  and  shot  for  a  Mid 
night  Assassin. 

The  Madisonville  Congo  Guards. 

Therefore,  I  determined  to  conscript  all  niggers 
between  the  ages  of  nine  and  one  hundred,  within  five 
miles  of  Madisonville,  and  issued  orders  to  that  effect. 
But  the  vile  darkies  did  not  heed  my  commands,  and 
I  therefore  deployed  the  buzz-saw  Division  as  skir 
mishers,  with  orders  to  fetch  in  every  nigger  that 
could  be  found.  Ten  of  them  were  captured  and 
brought  to  my  headquarters ;  whereupon  I  proceeded 
to  address  them  in  a  very  able  and  patriotic  manner, 
both  upon  the  destiny  of  articulate-speaking  men,  and 
the  duty  of  Confederate  soldiers  in  the  field,  with  the 
hope  of  instilling  into  their  besotted  intellects  some 
gleamings  of  the  lofty  and  humane  philosophy  of  the 
Confederacy. 

"  You  damned  niggers!"  I  said;  "you  are  about  to 
be  enrolled  as  Confederate  soldiers,  under  the  laws  of 
Louisiana,  and  in  accordance  with  the  proclamation  of 
Governor  Moore.  This  is  the  highest  honor  that  could 


128  THE   MAOPHEESON   LETTERS. 

be  bestowed  even  upon  a  white  man,  and  for  you  to 
receive  it  is  a  blessing  so  vast  and  incomprehensible 
that  none  but  a  Mammoth  Brain  can  understand  the 
full  and  imperishable  felicity  that  has  descended  into 
your  black  souls.  But  you  will  please  understand  that 
this  is  not  a  compliment  to  you  personally,  but  to  the 
Confederacy  which  you  represent ;  and  you  will  also 
comprehend  distinctly  that  you  are  not  human  beings 
at  all,  and  that  the  design  of  the  Infinite  was  that  you 
should  be  slaves  and  wild  beasts  forever.  The  Con 
federacy  is  based  upon  this  divine  law  of  nature,  which 
made  the  Confederacy  to  boss  and  abuse  niggers  and 
keep  them  on  a  perfect  equality  with  Confederate 
mules.  You  are  the  connecting  link  between  man 
and  the  monkey,  and  diifer  from  the  Orang-Outang 
only  in  the  gift  of  speech.  This  was  given  you  by  the 
Almighty,  in  order  that  you  might  better  serve  your 
masters ;  for  everybody  must  admit  that  a  dumb  nig 
ger  will  not  bring  as  high  a  price  in  the  market  as 
those  that  can  utter  speech.  Yice  President  Stephens 
has  nobly  said  that  niggers  are  the  corner-stone  of  the 
Confederacy,  and  this  I  wish  to  impress  upon  your 
debased  and  idiotic  minds.  Your  heels  are  long  and 
your  shins  tender,  and  that  proves  the  truth  of  Judge 
Taney's  declaration,  that  you  haven't  any  rights  that 
white  men  ought  to  respect.  The  Lord  cursed  Ham, 
and  the  ham  was  smoked.  Therefore  you  are  black, 
damn  you  !  and  must  be  enslaved  by  the  Confederates 
for  evermore.  I  can  prove  it  by  the  Confederate 
Bible;  for  the  .theology  of  the  Confederacy,  as  I 
showed  in  my  celebrated  sermon  from  the  words, 
'Blow  ye,'  permits  true  believers  to  strike  out  any  pas- 


ADDRESS    TO   THE    CONGO    GUARDS.  129 

sage  of  Scripture  they   don't  like,  a,nd  to  put  in  any 
thing  they'd  like  to  have  there. 

"  Therefore  it  is  that  the  Confederate  Theology  is 
superior  to  every  other.  You  can  prove  any  tiling 
you  want  to  by  it,  or  you  can  confound  every  theory 
ever  started  or  adopted  by  mortal  man.  The  Confed 
erate  Bible  is  on  a  par  with  the  Confederate  Arithme 
tic,  and  I  am  the  author  of  both.  Therefore,  let  no 
nigger  dispute  my  words,  for  I  can  prove  every  thing 
I  say.  You  are  niggers,  and  niggers  are  not  men,  and 
it  is  now  your  glorious  privilege  to  fight  for  these  di 
vine  principles  of  the  Southern  Confederacy — princi 
ples  founded  upon  the  great  and  everlasting  law  of 
Confederate  veracity." 

The  effect  of  this  splendid  oration  upon  those  to 
whom  it  was  addressed,  was,  indeed,  like  magic.  The 
bold  declarations  of  truth  smote  upon  their  heathenish 
and  bestial  intellects,  and  inspired  them  with  overpow 
ering  and  matchless  zeal  for  Southern  Independence. 
They  gave  five  hundred  cheers  for  the  Confederacy, 
and  six  hundred  for  me,  and  threw  their  hats  a  thou 
sand  feet  in  the  air  by  Confederate  measurement,  while 
the  biggest  nigger,  grinning  from  ear  to  ear,  struck  up 
the  Old  John  Brown  song,  the  whole  Congo  Division 
joining  in  the  chorus:  "Glory,  glory,  hallelujah!'' 
Immediately  the  spirit  of  prophecy  and  of  poesy  de 
scended  upon  me,  and  I  composed  a  Confederate  war- 
song,  to  be  sung  on  all  occasions,  as  follows : 

G* 


130  THE   MACPHEKSON   LETTERS. 


SONG   OF   THE   CONGO  GUARDS. 

By  JAMES  B.  MACPHERSON,  Author  of  the  Confederate  Arithmetic  and  the 
Hymn  of  Salvation. 


Oli  the  niggers  they  are  monkeys  and  were  born  for  slavery, 
The  niggers  they  are  monkeys  and  were  born  for  slavery, 
The  niggers  they  are  monkeys  and  were  born  for  slavery, 
As  we  go  fighting  along. 
Glory,  glory,  hallelujah! 
Glory,  glory,  hallelujah! 
Glory,  glory,  hallelujah! 
As  we  go  fighting  along. 

2. 

Oh  the  abolition  Yankees  they  are  a  set  of  thieves, 
The  abolition  Yankees,  &c.,  &c. 

I  should  have  proceeded  further  with  this  beautiful 
production,  but  I  have  adopted  the  rule  that  I  will 
never  write  a  poem  of  more  than  two  stanzas.  I  then 
proceeded  to  arm  the  Congo  Division  with  sheep- 
shears,  and  issued  the  following  General  Order : 

HEADQUARTERS, 

DEPARTMENT  OF  MADISONVILLE, 
Madisonville,  La.,  May  20th,  1863. 

General  Order  No.  2. 

The  General  Commanding  hereby  gives  notice  that  the  follow 
ing  high-toned  gentleman  and  officers  will  constitute  his  staff, 
and  will  be  obeyed  and  respected  accordingly  until  farther 
orders : 

THE  IDIOTIC  BOY,  Chief  of  Staff. 

THE  HONEST  JEW,  Chief  Quartermaster. 

THE  UNHAPPY  Cuss,  Chief  Commissary. 

THE  SOLITARY  HOUSEMAN,  Chief  of  Cavalry. 

THE  NOBLE  WOMAN,  Superintendent  of  the  Great  Confederate 
Clothing  Emporium  in  New  Orleans. 

THE  INCONSOLABLE  THUG,  Chief  of  Artillery. 

THE  WEEPING  ORPHAN,  Judge  Advocate. 

THE  SOUTHERN  SOUROK,  Chief  of  Signal  Corps. 


CONFEDERATE  LAW   OF  PROMOTION.  131 

The  officers  above  named  will  report  immediately  at  the  Great 
Confederate  Clothing  Emporium,  in  Canal  street,  and  the  ladies 
of  ISTew  Orleans  are  hereby  directed  to  furnish  a  uniform  for 
each,  out  of  the  great  Charity  Fund. 

By  order  of  MAJOR  GENERAL  JAMES  B.  MACPHERSON. 

THE  IDIOTIC  BOY,  Chief  of  Staff. 

It  will  be  seen  that  in  the  above  order  I  have  fol 
lowed  the  Confederate  law  of  promotion,  and  given  a 
posish  to  each  of  my  friends.  I  shall  make  each  of 
my  nine  sons  a  Brigadier  General  as  soon  as  I  can  re 
cruit  nine  men. 

Yours,  boldly, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEBSON. 


132  THE  MACPHEKSON  LETTERS. 


CHAPTER  XYI. 

THE   KEGISTERED   ENEMIES   OF   THE   UNITED   STATES    LEAVE 
THE   DEPARTMENT   OF  THE   GULF. — GENERAL  MACPHERSON 

SUPERINTENDS  THEIR  DEPARTURE. HE   "  GOBBLES"  THEM  AS 

SOON  AS    THEY  ARRIVE    IN    HIS    DOMINIONS. HE    UNEXPECT 
EDLY    MEETS    THE    HONEST    JEW,   ETC.,  ETC. 

NOTE.— On  the  30th  of  April,  1863,  an  order  was  published  by  Major 
General  Banks,  requiring  all  registered  enemies  of  the  United  States 
to  leave  the  Department  of  the  Gulf,  on  or  before  the  fifteenth  day 
of  the  next  month.  As  110  one  could  sail  for  any  port  in  the  United 
States  or  a  foreign  country  without  taking  the  oath  of  allegiance  to  the 
United  States,  the  registered  enemies  were  compelled  to  go  over  to  the 
"  Confederacy,"  for  which  they  had  professed  such  a  profound  rever 
ence  and  love.  So  long  as  they  were  forbidden  to  go,  they  were  loud 
in  their  complaints  that  the  cruel  and  despotic  government  should 
prevent  them  from  joining  their  friends ;  but  when  they  were  or 
dered  to  go,  all  their  zeal  disappeared,  and  they  were  equally  loud  in 
their  complaints  that  the  cruel  and  despotic  government  should  com 
pel  them  to  go.  When  the  time  of  their  departure  actually  arrived, 
they  presented  a  melancholy  spectacle ;  a  more  dejected  set  of  wretches 
was  never  seen.  To  add  to  their  grief,  as  soon  as  they  arrived  in 
Mobile,  the  able-bodied  men  were  forced  to  join  the  rebel  army.  The 
order  sending  them  out  of  the  Department  was  received  with  great 
exultation  by  the  Union  citizens  of  New  Orleans ;  for  some  of  these 
registered  enemies  had  become  very  insolent,  under  the  lenity  that 
permitted  them  to  remain  in  the  city.  Many  of  them  had  registered 
their  names  as  enemies  of  the  United  States,  in  order  to  make  them 
selves  popular  with  the  secessionists,  and  without  any  expectation 
that  they  would  ever  be  compelled  to  leave  the  Department.  And 
when  they  found  that  the  fact  of  being  registered  enemies  in 
volved  the  necessity  of  going  away,  and,  as  was  the  case  with  many, 
of  leaving  home,  family,  and  kindred  behind  them,  perhaps  forever, 
the  romance  all  melted  into  thin  air,  and  they  discovered  that  a  sen 
timental  attachment  for  the  land  of  Jen0.  Davis,  which  could  be  cher 
ished  in  security  at  a  distance,  was  quite  a  different  matter  when  it 
exiled  them  from  the  comforts  and  pleasures  of  civilised  life. 


REGISTERED    ENEMIES.  133 

MADISON  VILLE,  LA., 

May  30th,  1863. 

SIR  : — A  Macedonian  cry  came  to  me  as  in  my  dilap 
idated  hospitable  abode  I  meditated  schemes  of  blood 
shed  and  revenge.  It  came  from  New  Orleans,  from  a 
Registered  Enemy,  and  said  :  "  What  shall  I  do  ?  Come 
over  and  help  me !" 

Arriving  in  New  Orleans,  I  immediately  called  upon 
the  Macedonian,  and  with  him  forthwith  went  down  to 
Lakeport  to  witness  the  departure  of  the  first  regular 
load  of  Registered  Enemies.  "  Now,"  I  said,  "  there 
will  be  a  grand  secession  demonstration,  exceeding  that 
on  the  levee,  when  the  women  turned  out  en  masse  to 
kiss  the  departing  Confederate  prisoners.  I  wrill  sum 
mon  the  people  to  arms,  raise  a  revolt,  capture  New 
Orleans,  and  add  it  to  the  Department  of  Madison ville  !" 

But  wiien  I  arrived  at  the  point  of  embarkation  my 
soul  and  face  became  swollen  with  Confederate  indig 
nation.  For  instead  of  a  grand  secesh  demonstration 
I  only  found  a  small  crowd  of  weeping  women  and 
wailing  children,  who  said  they  wished  their  husbands 
and  fathers  had  taken  the  oath  of  allegiance  to  the 
United  States,  instead  of  running  off  to  the  Confederacy 
and  leaving  them  to  starve  alone. 

"  Stop  such  treasonable  talk  as  that !"  I  shouted  in 
tones  of  Confederate  thunder.  "  Every  person  who 
utters  a  sentiment  favorable  to  the  Union,  wih1  have  his 
name  written  clown,  and  he  shall  be  hung  when  the 
Confederates  come  here !" 

"What  has  the  United  States  done  so  bad?"  asked  a 
woman  wTho  was  weeping  in  a  base  and  cowardly  man 
ner  at  the  departure  of  her  husband.  "  Did  we  not 


134:  THE   MACPHEKSON   LETTERS. 

live  together  in  peace  and  plenty  before  the  South 
seceded?  What  wickedness  did  the  United  States 
commit  ?" 

"  It  robbed  us  of  eternal  rights,"  I  answered. 

"  Is  it  not  the  eternal  right  of  a  wife  to  be  protected 
by  her  husband,  and  to  have  her  children  fed  and  cared 
for  by  their  father  ?"  asked  she,  in  a  violent  flood  of 
tears. 

"  Base,  cowardly  woman  !"  I  exclaimed  ;  "  the  great 
light  of  Confederate  Science  has  never  pierced  your 
weak  and  debased  intellect.  Women  and  children, 
food  and  raiment,  are  nothing  beside  Southern  Inde 
pendence.  Were  it  not  for  the  rebellion,  would  I  ever 
have  been  a  Major  General  ?  No  !  Would  JefF.  Davis 
have  been  a  President  ?  No !  Would  My  Idiotic  Boy 
have  been  Chief  of  Staff,  or  the  Honest  Jew  a  Quarter 
master  ?  ISTo  !  Such,  madarne,  are  the  happy  fruits  of 
rebellion.  What  to  me  are  weeping  women  and  starv 
ing  children  ? — what  desolate  firesides  and  blasted  fields  $ 

o 

— what  trenches  of  buried  soldiers  and  plantations  gone 
to  waste  ?  Nothing !  These  are  the  price  of  Confed 
erate  shoulder-straps  and  civic  crowns.  What  though 
they  are  stained  in  innocent  blood  and  bathed  in  wom 
an's  tears  ?  They  glitter  all  the  same,  and  glory  still 
summons  the  Confederate  Warrior  to  the  field !  Starve, 
for  ought  I  care !  The  more  that  starve,  the  less  there 
will  be  to  feed  on  the  next  crop !" 

"  You  are  an  unfeeling  brute  !"  sobbed  the  woman. 

"  Madame,"  I  replied,  drawing  myself  up  to  my  full 
height,  and  smiting  my  breast  with  great  dignity ; 
"  madame,  if  my  position  does  not  protect  me  from  in 
sult,  my  sex  at  least  should  be  respected  !" 


REGISTERED   ENEMIES.  135 

I  then  turned  away  with  an  air  of  justly  offended 
pride,  and  turned  my  eyes  upon  the  black  ship,  about 
to  depart  for  the  lovely  shores  of  my  native  land.  I 
expected  to  see  countenances  gleaming  with  joy  and 
patriotic  pride.  "  These  true  and  devoted  friends  of 
the  Confederacy,"  I  said,  "  have  filled  the  earth  with 
their  moans,  to  be  allowed  to  come  to  us,  when  they 
knew  they  couldn't ;  and  now  that  they  are  at  last  al 
lowed  to  come  to  our  sweet  land  of  cotton  and  inde 
pendence,  their  faces  will  glow  with  unspeakable  de 
light  !"  Imagine  my  burning  wrath,  when  instead  of 
this,  I  saw  a  pack  of  the  most  dejected  devils  that  my 
eyes  ever  rested  upon.  One  was  looking  at  his  wife 
and  children  with  streaming  eyes,  and  asking  in  a  low 
moan  if  it  was  too  late  to  take  the  Oath  of  Allegiance. 

"  Too  late !"  replied  a  Yankee  Demon.  Then  the 
Registered  Enemy  smote  his  forehead  with  his  hand, 
and  said  he  had  made  a  damned  fool  of  himself,  to 
which  the  Yankee  Demon  nodded  assent. 

"  Beloved  Confederates  !"  I  said, .  addressing  them 
from  the  shore ;  "  as  the  Children  of  Israel,  represented 
in  Madison ville  by  the  Honest  Jew,  wandered  for  forty 
years  in  the  Wilderness,  but  at  last  found  the  happy 
land  of  Canaan,  so  have  you,  while  twelve  tunes  the 
Moon  hath  filled  her  horn,  borne  with  meek  patience 
the  unsufferable  and  loathsome  bondage  of  the  United 
States,  sighing  for  the  happiness  of  the  Confederacy. 
But  now  the  long  night  of  your  vassalage  has  been  dis 
pelled  by  the  brilliant  splendor  of  the  rising  Confederate 
Sun,  and  you  are  about  to  plant  your  weary  feet  in 
Madisonville,  a  land  that  flows  with  milk  and  honey, 
where  the  butchery,  of  the  Yankee  Demons  cannot  dis- 


138  THE   MACPHEKSON   LETTERS. 

turb  the  quiet  security  of  your  throats,  and  where  the 
Stars  and  Bars  will  stand  between  you  and  all  harm." 

Even  this  eloquence  did  not  arouse  their  stupid  souls, 
and  I  turned  away  in  disgust,  reluctantly  concluding 
that  the  Registered  Enemies  were  a  lot  of  blockheads. 

I  immediately  started  for  Madisonville  on  my  Con 
federate  Mule,  in  order  to  get  there  before  the  Regis 
tered  Enemies  reported  at  my  headquarters. 

Macpherson  meets  the  Honest  Jew. 

As  I  was  going  hurriedly  home,  I  saw  a  man  in  the 
woods  tucking  rolls  of  paper  into  the  trunk  of  a  hollow 
tree.  Approaching  him  stealthily,  I  was  astonished  to 
recognize  in  him  my  integrity-loving  friend  and  Con 
federate  co-laborer,  the  Honest  Jew.  Wishing  to  give 
him  a  pleasant  surprise,  I  caught  him  violently  by  the 
collar  and  planted  my  right  foot  stoutly  against  his 
shins,  before  he  was  aware  of  my  presence. 

He  jumped  eight  feet  in  the  air,  and  struck  the 
ground,  looking  pale  as  a  corpse,  exclaiming  with  fero 
cious  earnestness : 

"  I  no  steal  'em !  I  pe  berfectly  innocent ! — berfectly 
innocent  I" 

"  My  innocent  and  outraged  friend !"  I  replied,  "  of 
course  you  are  innocent.  Who  accused  you  of  stealing  ?" 

"  Gott  im  Himmel !"  shouted  the  Honest  Jew ;  "  I 
taut  you  pe  vim  tarn  tief  and  robber.  I  now  know  you 
pe  mine  tear  Shelter  al."  We  then  clasped  each  other 
in  a  tender,  loving  embrace,  until  our  bosoms  were 
bathed  in  tears  of  mutual  love. 

"  A  pleasant  surprise,  my  dear,"  I  said.  "* 


THE   HOITEST   JEW   MNAISTCIEKING.  137 

"  Oh,  yah,  vun  sehr  tarn  bleasant  surbrise,"  lie  an 
swered. 

"  What  have  you  here  ?"  I  asked,  approaching  the 
tree. 

"  Noting,  noting  at  all,"  he  answered. 

"  Then  there  can  be  no  harm  if  I  look  at  nothing,"  I 
answered,  and  then  proceeded  to  examine  the  tree, 
when  I  discovered  several  very  large  rolls  of  Confed 
erate  treasury  notes.  "  Sweet  disciple  of  Moses,"  I 
said,  "  whence  and  for  whom  this  vast  treasure  ?" 

"  Mine  !"  he  cried,  while  a  look  of  agony  passed  over 
his  features. 

"  Sir  !"  I  said,  "  you  are  a  swindler  and  thief!  I  am 
your  superior  officer,  and  I  swear  that  unless  you  divide 
with  me  justly  and  fairly,  I  will  hang  you,  and  expose 
to  the  world  your  infamous  crimes  !" 

The  Honest  Jew  then  swore  he  always  intended  to 
divide  with  me,  and  that  he  hid  the  bills  only  as  a 
means -of  security.  I  then  asked  him  how  he  had  man 
aged  to  accumulate  such  vast  wealth. 

"  I  sells  the  glothing  and  horses,"  he  replied.  I  then 
learned  that,  after  conscripting  an  army,  the  Honest 
Jew  had  drawn  clothing  and  horses  from  the  Govern 
ment,  and  that  he  had  sold  the  clothing  to  the  soldiers 
and  the  horses  to  the  highest  bidder,  and  that  the 
money  in  the  tree  was  the  fruit  of  this,  scheme,  alike 
creditable  to  his  head  and  heart. 

"  Nothing,"  I  remarked,  "  but  an  equal  distribution 
of  the  proceeds,  could  have  reconciled  me  to  this  admi 
rable  trick.  Come  once  more  to  my  bosom !" 

"  I  make  you  very  rich  in  five  tays,"  said  the  Honest 
Jew. 


138  THE   MACPIIERSON   LETTERS. 

"How,"  I  asked. 

"  You  vait  for  the  Registered  Enemies,"  lie  answered. 

Arriving  at  Headquarters,  I  found  that  great  numbers 
of  Registered  Enemies  had  arrived  and  were  arriving 
from  ISFew  Orleans,  and  thereupon  I  immediately  issued 
an  order  on  the  subject,  as  follows : 

HE  ADQTJ  AETEES, 

DEPAETMENT  OF  MADISONVILLE, 

Madisonville,  La.,  May  28th,  1863. 
General  Order  No.  3. 

Whereas,  it  has  come  to  the  knowledge  of  the  Major-General 
commanding  this  Department,  that  certain  and  numerous  persons, 
pretending  to  be  Registered  Enemies  of  the  United  States  have 
arrived  within  the  limits  of  his  command  from  New  Orleans,  it 
is  therefore  ordered :  That  all  the  Registered  Male  Enemies  of  the 
United  States  coming  to  these  shores,  not  over  one  hundred  years 
of  age,  shall  be  immediately  conscripted  and  enrolled  as  a  part  of 
the  military  force  of  this  Department ;  unless  they  shall  pay  over 
to  the  Chief  Quartermaster  the  sum  of  one  thousand  dollars,  in 
which  case  they  shall  be  exempt  from  the  draft. 

By  order  of  MAJOR  GENERAL  JAMES  B.  MACPIIERSON. 

THE  IDIOTIC  BOY,  Chief  of  Staff. 

The  first  Registered  Enemy  who  reported  himself  at 
Headquarters  was  the  Macedonian,  who  came  with  a 
smiling  face,  and,  slapping  me  on  the  shoulder,  said : 
"  Our  relations  have  been  so  pleasant  heretofore,  that  I 
shall  find  in  your  sweet  society  full  compensation  for 
the  sacrifice  I  make  in  leaving  my  native  land."  But 
I  put  on  a  look  of  offended  dignity,  and  inquired  who  it 
was  that-presumed  to  make  himself  so  familiar !  I  then 
handed  him  a  copy  of  the  above  order,  and  he  turned 
pale  as  a  ghost  when  he  read  it.  However,  he  paid  one 
thousand  dollars  to  the  Honest  Jew.  In  all  five  hundred 


THE   COMMUTED  MEN   CONSCRIPTED.  139 

men  paid  their  thousand  dollars,  which  made  the  hand 
some  sum  of  five  hundred  thousand  dollars  to  be  equally 
divided  between  the  Honest  Jew  and  myself.  I  then 
issued  the  following : 

HEADQUARTERS, 

DEPARTMENT  OF  MADISONVILLE, 
MadisonviUe,  La.,  May  29th,  1863. 

General  Order  No.  4. 

So  much  of  General  Order  No.  3,  as  relates  to  the  Exemption 
of  Registered  Enemies  from  the  operation  of  the  Conscript  law 
on  payment  of  one  thousand  dollars,  is  hereby  rescinded ;  and  all 
Registered  Enemies,  without  exception,  will  immediately  report 
armed  and  equipped  for  military  service,  the  same  as  though  the 
said  sum  had  never  been  paid. 

By  order  of  MAJOR  GENERAL  JAMES  B.  MACPIIERSON. 

THE  IDIOTIC  BOY,  Chief  of  Staff. 

"  By  whajb  code  of  justice  is  it,"  inquired  the  Mace 
donian,  "that,  after  taking  our  money  on  promise  of 
exemption,  you  compel  us  to  enter  the  service  ? " 

"By  the  code  of  Confederate  justice,"  I  replied: 
"  the  same  principle  that  is  in  force  in  New  Orleans, 
which  compels  negro  property-holders  to  pay  taxes  for 
the  support  of  schools,  and  then  forbids  them  to  send 
their  children  to  school ;  and  the  same  principle  by 
which  John  C.  Breckinridge,  sitting  in  the  Senate  of 
the  United  States,  and  drawing  his  salary  from  the 
United  States  treasury,  plotted  and  toiled  for  the  down 
fall  of  the  Union,  and  the  up-building  of  the  Southern 
Confederacy." 

Settlement  with  the  Honest  Jew. 

At  midnight,  in  my  guarded  tent,  I  summoned  the 
Honest  Jew  to  my  presence,  and  told  him  we  had 


140  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

made  a  million  dollars,  and  it  was  time  to  divide.  I 
therefore  ordered  him  to  settle  immediately,  and  to 
pay  over  to  me  one-half  the  profits,  in  accordance 
with  the  bargain  fairly  agreed  to  by  both  parties. 

"  Show  me  your  receipts,"  said  the  Jew  ;  "  I  can  bay 
no  monish  mitout  receipts  to  show  I  owe  it !" 

"  Loathsome  and  disgusting  reptile !  "  I  exclaimed, 
"  is  it  thus  you  trifle  with  pecuniary  rights  and  eternal 
justice  ?  Is  it  thus  you  seek  to  subvert  the  principles 
of  Confederate  veracity,  and  uproot  the  very  founda 
tions  of  society  ?  Can  you  expect  to  rob  the  Confed 
eracy  and  its  loyal  subjects  with  impunity,  and  not 
divide  the  profits  with  your  Commanding  General !  I 
will  show  you  that  it  cannot  be  done.  For  half  thy 
wealth,  it  is  Macpherson's  ;  the  other  half  comes  to  the 
general  State  which  I  represent,  and  so  I'll  take  the 
whole." 

"  Nay,  take  my  life  and  all,  pardon  not  that ;"  re 
plied  the  Honest  Jew,  "  you  take  my  house  when  you 
do  take  the  prop  that  doth  sustain  my  house ;  you  take 
my  life  when  you  do  take  the  means  whereby  I  live." 

"  Bring  hither  the  cash  and  abjure  thy  vile  faith, 
and  thou  shalt  live  and  have  half,"  I  said. 

"  Yah,"  replied  the  Honest  Jew,  "  I  do  that  mit  time. 
I  goes  now  and  pring  you  the  monish." 

He  then  started  off  to  bring  to  my  tent  the  treasure ; 
and  I  lay  congratulating  myself  that  I  had  made  half 
a  million  dollars,  and  converted  a  Jew  to  the  true  faith. 
But  hour  after  hour  passed,  and  the  Honest  Jew  did 
not  return.  Two  o'clock,  three  o'clock,  four  o'clock, 
daylight,  and  no  welcome  Mosaic  footstep  came  to 
cheer  me  in  my  waiting  loneliness. 


THE   HONEST   JEW    SKEDADDLES.  141 

"  Oh  Honest  Jew !  "  I  cried  in  my  distress,  "  what 
evil  hath  befallen  thee?  Oh  whither  hast  thou  wan 
dered  ?  Did  thy  pious  youthful  feet  go  astray  in  the 
woods  ?  "  I  then  hastened  to  the  hollow  tree,  hoping 
at  least  to  find  the  treasure,  even  if  I  could  not  once 
more  clasp  the  Honest  Jew  to  my  bosom  in  a  loving 
embrace.  But  imagine  my  grief,  terror,  rage,  when  I 
discovered  that  the  vile  villain  had  gobbled  up  all  the 
money  and  skedaddled  to  distant  and  unknown  places, 
leaving  me  once  more  to  groan  and  moan  in  honest 
poverty,  the  victim  of  loathsome  and  disgusting  ras 
cality. 

Tours  eternally, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHERSON. 


142  THE    MACPHEKSON   LETTERS. 


CHAPTER  XYII. 

AN  ACCOUNT  OF  THE  DEATH  or  JAMES  B.  MACPHERSON, 
THE  GREAT  CONFEDERATE  PHILOSOPHER,  WARRIOR,  AUTHOR, 
AND  SOUTHERN  BLOWER. 

NOTE. — The  author  determined  to  discontinue  Macpherson's  Let 
ters,  and  knew  of  no  better  way  than  to  kill  him  off.  Accordingly 
the  following  obituary  notice  was  prepared  and  published  in  THE 
ERA  of  June  7th. 

HUNG  be  the  heavens  with  black ! — yield  day  to  night ! 
Comets,  importing  change  of  times  and  States,  bran 
dish  your  crystal  tresses  in  the  sky,  and  with  them 
scourge  the  bad  revolting  stars,  that  have  consented  to 
Macpherson's  death  ! 

It  becomes  our  painful  duty  to  announce  to  the 
world  the  death  of  JAMES  B.  MACPHEKSON,  of  Madi- 
sonville,  Louisiana,  Major  General  of  Confederate  Yol- 
unteers,  invincible  warrior  and  pugilist,  Plato  of  the 
Confederacy,  Archimedes  of  the  ISTew  Nation,  Author 
of  the  celebrated  Confederate  Arithmetic,  Traveller 
through  the  Louisiana  Lowlands  Low,  Father  of  twelve 
sons,  Clergyman,  and  Southern  Blower — the  scintilla 
tions  of  whose  Ponderous  Intellect  have  so  long  illu 
minated  the  columns  of  THE  EKA.  The  Mammoth 
Brain  of  our  revered  correspondent  no  longer  works  ; 
the  Herculean  Arm  is  no  longer  bared  in  the  cause 
of  the  Confederacy  he  so  faithfully  and  zealous 
ly  represented ;  the  tongue  of  persuasive  eloquence 
has  been  silenced  in  the  embrace  of  all-devouring 
Death !  He  expired  at  his  dilapitated  hospitable 


MACPHERSON    DRINKING    HEMLOCK.  J.43 

abode,  in  Madisonville,  at  the  solemn  hour  of  mid 
night,  last  Monday,  being  the  six  hundred  and  sixtieth 
Olympiad  and  the  third  year  thereof,  and  the  year  3  of 
the  Southern  Confederacy. 

The  cause  of  his  death  is  melancholy  beyond  de 
scription.  He  did  not  fall  in  battle,  as  was  his  ardent 
desire,  at  the  head  of  his  invincible  legions,  dealing 
death  and  destruction  among  vile  Yankee  foes  ;  but  he 
fell  a  victim  to  his  own  hands.  In  a  word,  he  com 
mitted  suicide.  Calling  his  Idiotic  Boy  to  his  side,  he 
exclaimed : 

"  Oh  that  this  too  too  solid  flesh  would  melt,  thaw, 
and  resolve  itself  into  a  dew  !  or  that  the  Everlasting 
had  not  fixed  his  canon  'gainst  self-slaughter !  Now 
indeed  I  fear  the  avenging  wrrath  of  the  offended  gods 
of  Olympus.  But  if  I  would  reach  the  Elysian  Fields, 
where  dwells  the  soul  of  the  great  Achilles,  I  must  die 
at  once,  like  Socrates,  the  Philosopher,  by  drinking 
poisonous  hemlock ! " 

Having  announced  his  determination,  his  family  and 
his  staff  in  vain  gathered  around  him  with  tears,  striv 
ing  to  win  him  from  his  fatal  purpose.  They  pointed 
out  to  him  the  deadly  stroke  the  Confederacy  would 
suffer;  the  pallor  with  which  Philosophy  and  Reli 
gion  would  hear  of  his  death  ;  the  inconsolable  tears  of 
his  wife  and  staff;  the  exultation  of  the  Yankee  De 
mon,  and  the  honest  grief  of  THE  ERA.  But  all  in 
vain.  "  I  love  the  Confederacy  with  intense  and  pas 
sionate  love,"  he  answered,  "  but  the  will  of  the  gods 
and  the  Voice  of  Oracular  Fate  must  be  obeyed  I " 
He  then  ordered  the  hemlock  to  be  brought  to  him  in 
a  five-gallon  demijohn,  and  calmly  entered  upon  the 


144  THE    MACPHERSON    LETTERS. 

business  of  preparation  for  his  journey  across  the  Styx, 
— or  to  quote  from  his  own  beautiful  words,  for  "the 
coming  of  that  solemn  hour,  when  neither  worldly 
pomp,  nor  martial  renown,  nor  yet  the  brave  love  of 
the  Confederacy  which  pervades  every  impulse  of  my 
soul,  and  every  throb  of  my  heart,  can  stay  my  foot 
steps  in  the  last  pilgrimage  to  the  realms  of  Pluto." 


Macphersorfs  Will. 

He  then  took  four  drinks  of  the  hemlock,  and  pro 
ceeded  to  make  his  will,  with  all  the  calmness  and  dig 
nity  of  Confederate  greatness. 

"  To  my  faithful  and  beloved  wife,"  he  said,  "  I  give 
and  bequeath  my  dilapidated  hospitable  abode,  and 
all  it  contains ;  to  my  Idiotic  Boy,  the  mantle  of  Phi 
losophy  and  the  management  of  Confederate  Policy ;  to 
my  staff,  I  give  my  sword  and  uniform,  and  it  is  my 
wish  that  after  my  death  they  shall  contend  for  it  in 
single  combat,  as  Ulysses  and  Telamonian  Ajax  con 
tended  for  the  armor  of  divine  Achilles;  and  to  the 
combatants  for  the  splendid  prize,  I  say  in  the  words 
of  man-smiting  Heenan,  may  the  lest  'man  win! 

"To  the  Noble  Woman  and  the  ladies  of  New 
Orleans,  I  leave  the  task  of  fanning  and  keeping  alive 
the  fires  of  treason  in  the  Yankee-oppressed  Crescent 
City." 

Having  made  the  above  disposition  of  his  worldly 
affairs,  he  took  four  drinks  of  the  hemlock,  and  re 
marked  that  the  working  of  the  Mammoth  Brain  would 
cease  the  moment  the  working  of  the  fatal  hemlock 
began. 


THE    DEATH-BED    SCENE.  145 

"To  the  Unhappy  Cuss,"  he  said,  "Heave  the  ar 
rangements  for  the  funeral.  I  wish  to  be  buried  with 
military  honors  worthy  of  my  rank  and  name.  I  wish 
to  have  my  funeral  modelled  on  that  of  Alexander  the 
Great,  a  warrior  whose  fame  was  only  surpassed  by  my 
own.  In  the  third  Section  of  the  sixteenth  Book  of 
Eollin's  History,  you  will  find  an  account  of  the  cer 
emonies  performed  at  the  interment  of  the  Conqueror 
of  the  World ;  and  I  wish  those  performances  to  be 
carried  out  to  the  letter,  over  my  own  remains." 

At  this  stage  of  the  solemn  scene,  there  was  a  loud 
wail  heard  in  the  door,  and  looking  around  there  was 
seen  the  Honest  Jew,  pale  and  haggard,  and  bathed 
with  tears.  He  fell  upon  the  floor,  rolled  over,  threw 
himself  upon  the  neck  of  the  expiring  Philosopher, 
tore  his  hair,  and  asked  to  be  forgiven. 

"To  err  is  human — to  forgive  divine!"  answered  the 
dying  General.  "  Your  arrival  is  most  opportune,  for 
the  treasury  is  empty  and  the  preparations  for  my 
funeral  will  involve  an  immense  outlay.  Promise  to 
defray  these  expenses,  and  I  will  forgive  you  all." 

"  I  bromise,"  said  the  Honest  Jew  ;  and  then  the 
two  great  men,  happily  reconciled,  embraced  with 
tou'ching  affection. 

"  It  has  been  the  great  purpose  of  my  life,"  said  the 
expiring  Warrior,  "  to  re-establish  in  all  its  glory  the 
worship  of  the  Olympian  gods  ;  for  the  pagan  religion 
alone,  with  such  additions  as  I  have  made,  is  fitted  to 
the  demands  of  the  Confederacy.  But  I  am  cut  off  by 
Fate  in  the  midst  of  my  labors,  and  I  desire  to  be 
buried  after  the  manner  of  the  Greeks  and  Romans." 

Midnight  at  last  cast  the  shadow  of  deepest  gloom 


146  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTERS. 

over  the  face  of  universal  nature.  The  great  Macpher- 
son  had  now  nearly  emptied  the  demijohn,  and  all  felt 
conscious  that  the  fatal  hemlock  must  soon  do  its  hor 
rible  work.  Suddenly  he  gave  a  wild  groan,  and,  rising 
in  his  couch,  smote  his  breast  and  spake  his  last  words, 
as  follows : 

Last  Words  of  Macpherson. 

"The  long  day  has  passed,"  he  exclaimed;  "the 
long  night  is  come !  O  Jupiter !  thou  great  father  of 
gods  and  men,  the  most  high  and  powerful  among  the 
immortals,  whom  all  others  obey !  avenge  the  wrrongs 
of  the  Confederacy,  and  smite  the  Yankees  with  the 
bolts  of  thy  thunder!  Farewell,  brave  Staff!  Carry 
out  the  policy  wrhich  I  have  inaugurated,  imitate  my 
valor,  and  always  buy  your  hats  of  Stapleton,  95 
Canal-street." 

A  cold  sweat  then  stood  upon  his  intellectual  brow ; 
the  eyes  became  fixed,  the  lips  ceased  to  move,  and 
JAMES  B.  MACPHEKSON,  the  great  light  of  Confederate 
letters,  the  favorite  of  the  ladies  of  New  Orleans,  ceased 
to  breathe  the  vital  air. 

"We  have  the  authority  of-  the  Southern  Source,  a 
member  of  his  staff,  for  saying  that  prodigies  of  na 
ture  attended  the  departure  of  the  valorous  chieftain  to 
the  realms  of  Pluto.  He  informs  us  that  cloud-com 
pelling  Jove,  at  the  moment  of  dissolution,  hurled  a 
living  bolt  of  thunder  from  Mount  Olympus,  which 
smashed  the  five-gallon  demijohn,  that  had  held  the 
impious  poison,  into  a  thousand  atoms,  and  tore  the 
musquito  bar  worse  than  was  torn  that  one  which  Mac- 


plierson  described  in  the  great  Temple  of  Wisdom  at 
Brashear  City. 

Long  and  bitterly  did  his  staff  and  his  friends  gaze 
upon  his  serene  countenance ;  not  even  the  pallor  of 
death  could  erase  the  lineaments  of  thought  or  hide 
the  phrenological  developments  of  the  Mammoth 
Brain.  Then  the  Honest  Jew  brought  in  a  coffin  of 
baked  clay,  and  every  thing  was  prepared  for  the  im 
posing  ceremonies  of  the  interment,  which  were  per 
formed  with  great  pomp,  and  were  an  exact  copy  of 
those  performed  in  honor  of  Alexander  the  Great,  ex 
cept  that  Hacpherson's  chariot  was  trimmed  with  brass 
instead  of  gold.  The  following  inscription,  composed 
by  Macpherson  himself,  was  placed  over  his  Tomb,  at 
his  own  request : 

JACOBUS  B.  MACPHERSON. 

ILLUSTBISSIMUS, 

SCRIPTOR,  POETA,  MATHEMATICUS,  FCEDERATUS, 
PR^EDICATOR,  MILES  EXERCITATUS.  JOVI,  FILIUS 
TERTIUS,  HERCULIS  KT  BACCHI  FRATER,  FCEDERIS 
AUSTRALIS  PLATO,  ET  PERIGRINATOR  CELEBERRI- 
MUS. 

IMMATURA  MORTE  ABRIEPIEBATUR  OLYMPIADIS 
SEXCENTESIM^E  ET  SEXCENGESIMJ2,  ANNO  TERTIO, 
KT  FGEDERIS  AUSTRALIS  ANNO  TERTIO. 

DEOS  OLYMPIACOS  ADORABAT,  ET  UT  IN  CAM- 
PIS  ELYSIIS  MANES  ACHILLIS  CONJUNGERET,  E 
VITA  CEDEBAT. 

Our  task  is  accomplished ;  our  mournful  duty  is  done. 
If  the  Southern  Confederacy  has  lost  its  brightest  or 
nament,  the  Editor  of  THE  EiiA  has  lost  his  most  high- 


148  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTERS. 

falutin  contributor.  In  conclusion,  we  have  to  ac 
knowledge  our  indebtedness  to  the  Idiotic  Boy,  and 
other  members  of  General  Macpherson's  staff,  for  the 
particulars  of  his  death.  The  great  Philosopher  and 
hero  who  has  departed,  has  often  reminded  our  readers 
that  man  is  mortal,  and  that  earthly  greatness  soon 
vanishes,  like  the  dews  in  the  sunshine  of  the  unclouded 
heaven.  Let  each  take  the  lesson  home,  remembering 
that  even  the  Mammoth  Brain  of  Macpherson  had  to 
succumb  to  the  power  with  which  earth's  greatest  men 
have  contended  in  vain.  There  is  no  fountain  of  per 
petual  youth,  even  in  the  Southern  Confederacy,  nor 
yet  in  Madisonville,  a  place  which  llacpherson  assured 
us  flows  with  milk  and  honey ! 


RESUSCITATION   OF  MACPHEESON.  149 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

THE  RESUSCITATION  OF  MACPHERSON. — IT  is  DISCOVERED  THAT 
HE  WAS  NOT  DEAD,  ONLY  DEAD  DRUNK. — His  METHOD  OF 
PAYING  DEBTS. — HE  MAKES  THE  ACQUAINTANCE  OF  THE 
RELIABLE  GENTLEMAN,  ETC.,  ETC. 

NOTE. — During  the  siege  of  Port  Hudson,  New  Orleans  was  daily 
filled  with  rumors  of  disasters  to  the  army  of  General  Banks,  which 
were  industriously  circulated  by  the  secessionists.  Men  apparently 
made  it  their  principal  business  to  lounge  around  the  St.  Charles  Hotel, 
and  to  retail  these  unfounded  reports.  Every  statement  made  by  the 
"Reliable  Gentleman"  in  his  conversation  with  Macpherson,  the 
author  himself  heard  at  different  times  in  that  building.  The  noise 
made  by  piling  wood  on  the  levee  was,  on  one  occasion,  mistaken  for 
the  roar  of  artillery  by  some  negroes  ;  and  from  this  incident  arose  a 
report  of  a  disastrous  repulse  of  our  army. Macpherson  was  re 
suscitated  in  obedience  to  what  appeared  to  be  a  very  general  demand 

on  the  part  of  the  readers  of  THE  ERA. The  Registered  Enemies 

who  went  from  New  Orleans  to  Mobile,  carried  most  astounding 
news.  On  their  statements  one  of  the  Mobile  papers  issued  an  extra 
announcing  that  New  Orleans  had  been  captured  by  the  Confederates 
under  Magruder,  who  immediately  started  for  Forts  Jackson  and  St. 

Philip  with  a  force  of  fifteen  thousand  men. It  may  be  proper,  in 

this  connection,  to  state  that  during  the  siege  of  Port  Hudson,  a  for 
midable  force  of  Texans  advanced  into  Western  Louisiana,  with  the 
intention  of  taking  the  fort  at  Donaldsonville  (a  village  about  eighty 
miles  above  New  Orleans),  cutting  off  the  supplies  of  General  Banks, 
seizing  all  the  vessels  that  could  be  found,  crossing  the  river  and 
making  a  descent  upon  New  Orleans.  This  force  was  variously  esti 
mated  at  ten  thousand  to  eighteen  thousand  men.  The  plans  of  the 
rebels  were  frustrated  by  two  serious  defeats — one  at  Lafourche 
Crossing,  and  the  other  at  Donaldsonville.  The  defense  of  the  fort 
at  the  latter  place  was  one  of  the  most  brilliant  of  the  war.  The 
garrison  consisted  of  about  a  hundred  and  fifty  men,  under  command 
of  Major  Bullen,  and  many  of  these  were  convalescents.  The  attack 
ing  force,  under  General  Greene,  consisted  of  an  entire  brigade.  The 
gunboat  Princess  Royal,  under  Commander  Wolsey,  checked  the  ad 
vance  of  the  enemy.  A  desperate  hand-to-hand  fight  occurred,  the 


150  THE    MACPHEKSON    LKTTKBS. 

enemy  advancing  to  the  parapet.  A  hundred  and  twenty  rebel  pris 
oners  were  actually  captured  by  the  garrison,  inside  the  works. 
About  a  hundred  of  the  enemy's  dead  were  buried  by  our  soldiers  ; 
and  the  rebel  loss  in  killed,  wounded,  and  prisoners  was  about  four 
times  as  large  as  the  entire  force  defending  the  place.  Our  loss  was 
inconsiderable.  The  fight  at  Lafourche  Crossing  was  also  a  brilliant 
affair.  There  were,  in  fact,  two  engagements,  in  both  of  which  the 
enemy  was  repulsed  with  severe  lob's.  Colonel  Cahill  and  Colonel 
Stickney  gained  great  credit  in  the  successful  defense  of  the  place. 
General  Emory  was  at  that  time  in  command  of  the  defenses  of  New 
Orleans,  and  no  officer  could  have  performed  his  duties  more  vigilant 
ly  or  faithfully.  The  capture  of  Brashear  City,  and  the  erection  of 
rebel  batteries  on  the  river,  threatened  to  sever  all  communication  with 
General  Banks's  forces  at  Port  Hudson,  and  New  Orleans  itself  was 
menaced.  The  secessionists  were  in  constant  expectation  of  the  ar 
rival  of  a  rebel  army,  for  many  days  ;  and  the  Union  citizens,  as  well 
as  the  officers  in  command,  were  not  certain  their  expectation  would 
not  be  realised.  General  Shepley,  Military  Governor  of  the  State,  called 
upon  the  people  to  rally  for  the  defense  of  their  homes,  and  formed  a 
brigade  for  sixty  days'  service.  General  Emory  called  for  negro  vol  un- 

teers,  and  two  regiments  were  promptly  raised. The  author  has 

deemed  it  proper  to  make  these  explanations,  in  order  to  show  the 
reader  what  a  fruitful  field  New  Orleans  presented,  in  those  days,  for 
"  Reliable  Gentlemen"  and  "  Intelligent  Contrabands." 

MADISON  VILLE,  L.A, 
June  27th,  1863. 

Sm : — I  died  in  the  consoling  faith  that  I  was  the 
Biggest  Liar  in  the  Southern  Confederacy ;  but  after 
the  arrival  of  the  Registered  Enemies  in  Alabama,  I 
found  they  were  going  so  far  ahead  of  me  in  that  line, 
that  I  should  have  to  rise  from  my  grave  and  vindicate 
my  noble  reputation  by  the  invention  of  more  sublime 
falsehoods  than  ever  before  graced  my  able  produc 
tions.  In  truth,  the  mendacious  stories  those  unhappy 
exiles  spread  in  the  streets  of  Mobile  actually  made  my 
bones  rattle  in  their  coffin  ;  and  I  came  forth  like  that 
mythological  giant  whose  name  I  have  forgotten  ;  but 
who,  smitten  to  the  earth,  always  arose  with  renewed 


NOT  DEAD — ONLY  DEAD  DRUNK.         151 

strength  ;  and  I  will  now  tell  such  astounding  lies  as 
shall  cause  the  Yankees  to  howl  and  the  Confederacy 
go  mad  in  the  ecstasies  of  bliss ! 

An  account  of  my  death  and  burial  has  been  pub 
lished,  and  a  Latin  inscription  placed  on  my  tomb,  so 
ponderous  and  incomprehensible  that  all  hope  of  resus 
citation  seemed  to  be  at  an  end.  It  was  given  out  that 
I  had  committed  self-slaughter,  by  drinking  poisonous 
hemlock  from  a  five-gallon  demijohn.  But  the  truth 
is,  I  was  not  dead,  but  only  dead  drunk,  and  the  hem 
lock  was  only  ordinary  Louisiana  Rum. 

Alexander  the  Great  drank  the  health  of  his  friend 
Proteas  in  the  Cup  of  Hercules,  a  Dutch  Lager  Beer 
arrangement,  that  held  six  bottles.  He  pledged  his 
friend  the  second  time  in  this  enormous  bumper,  and 
immediately  fell  flat  and  died.  Socrates,  the  greatest 
philosopher  of  the  Greeks,  as  I  am  of  the  Confederates, 
took  one  swig  of  hemlock,  and  expired.  In  order  to 
show  myself  superior  to  both  of  these,  I  drank  the  five 
gallons  of  Louisiana  Rum,  convinced  that  it  is  more 
fatal  than  the  liquid  consumed  by  Alexander,  or  the 
hemlock  imbibed  by  Socrates.  But  I  played  dead  to 
see  what  the  newspapers  would  say  about  me,  and 
what  action  would  be  taken  by  the  Confederate  Gov 
ernment. 

Much  to  my  astonishment,  the  Yankee  EEA  was  the 
only  paper  in  New  Orleans  that  paid  any  attention 
whatever  to  my  death.  The  others  had  been  profuse 
in  their  tears  over  Stonewall  Jackson  ;  they  had  made 
themselves  and  their  readers  perfectly  miserable  over 
every  two-penny  Confederate  hero  who  got  killed  or 
drank  himself  to  death  ;  but  when  I,  who  had  always 


152  THE   MACPHERSON    LETTERS. 

praised  them — I,  who  had  been  the  champion  of  their 
creed,  and  lied  on  the  same  side — I,  Macpherson,  the 
great  and  shining  light  of  the  Confederacy,  the  Invin 
cible  Warrior  and  the  most  magnificent  Blower  the 
Confederate  Sun  ever  shone  upon  in  all  his  course — I 
say,  when  I,  greater  and  wiser  than  all,  was  supposed  to 
be  dead  and  gone  to  my  grave,  they  had  not  a  tear  to 
shed  for  me;  not  a  black  column-rule  with  which  to 
express  an  emotion  of  grief;  not  even  a  line  among  the 
editorial  notices  of  auction  sales  and  health-restoring 
patent  pills,  to  announce  the  destruction  of  my  noble 
mind,  and  the  overthrow  of  the  greatest  Intellect  that 
the  world  has  ever  known.  Then  it  was  I  found  how 
sharper  than  a  serpent's  tooth  it  is  to  have  a  cussed 
fool  for  a  friend. 

Macpherson  comes  forth. 

Wednesday  evening,  June  17th,  in  the  third  year  of 
Confederate  Independence,  was  the  anniversary  of  the 
Yankee  battle  of  Bunker  Hill,  where  the  ragged 
American  militia  clinched  boldly  with  the  British 
Regulars.  The  pale  new  moon  presented  the  faintest 
possible  crescent  outline  of  beautiful  silver,  sinking 
into  the  boundless  expanse  of  Western  Louisiana,  when 
I  arose  in  all  the  habiliments  writh  which  the  Honest 
Jew  had  clothed  me,  and  proceeded  to  my  D.  H.  A. 
(said  initials  being  a  classical  abbreviation  for  my 
Dilapidated  Hospitable  Abode). 

As  I  entered  that  renowned  mansion,  more  famous 
than  the  White  House  at  Washington,  or  the  Pewter 
Mug  of  New  York,  the  Idiotic  Boy  fell  flat  on  the 


NEW    WAY    TO    PAY    OLD    DEBTS.  153 

floor,  overcome  with  strange  unearthly  fear,  and  cried 
aloud  :  "  Tell  me  why  thy  canonised  bones,  hearsed  in 
death,  have  burst  their  cerements ;  why  the  sepulchre 
wherein  we  saw  thee  quietly  inurned,  hath  oped  his 
ponderous  and  marble  jaws  to  cast  thee  up  again  ! 
What  may  this  mean,  that  thou,  dread  corse,  again  in 
complete  steel,  revisitest  thus  the  glimpses  of  the  moon, 
making  night  hideous? " 

"  Dry  up  !  "  I  replied,  at  the  same  time  hitting  him 
in  the  chops,  and  loudly  demanding  a  drink  of  gin. 

Macpherson  pays  Ms  Debts  ~by  a  General  Order. 

I  found  a  vast  number  of  bills  from  all  quarters,  and 
claimants  immediately  besieged  my  dwelling,  demand 
ing  instant  payment.  In  the  first  place,  there  was  the 
Confederate  tailor,  with  a  bill  of  $18,000  for  my  outfit 
as  a  Major  General,  who  said  his  family  was  starving, 
and  nothing  but  prompt  liquidation  would  save  them 
and  him  from  famine. 

u  Prompt  liquidation  is  my  rule,"  I  replied,  and 
immediately  took  four  drinks. 

Then  came  the  butcher  with  a  similar  bill  for  six 
months'  supply  of  sole-leather  steak  ;  then  the  grocer, 
the  shoemaker,  and  so  on  to  the  end  of  the  chapter. 
"  Something  must  be  done  for  these  mudsills  of  soci 
ety,"  I  said.  "  It  is  one  of  the  evils  of  our  existence, 
that  laboring  men  have  to  eat  and  wear  clothes  ;  and 
were  I  to  suggest  improvements  in  the  formation  of 
the  Universe,  I  would  arrange  it  that  the  mudsills 
who  wait  upon  the  Southern  aristocracy,  should  grow 
fat  on  air,  and  look  with  contempt  on  base  pecuniary 


154:  THE    MACPHEKSON    LETTERS. 

means.     I  must  at  once  pay  these  debts  ;  and  the  devil 
of  it  is,  there  isn't  a  dime  in  the  treasury  !" 

Then  it  was  that  light  burst  upon  me  from  South 
Carolina,  the  great  fountain  of  Southern  Independence. 
Then  it  was  that  I  remembered  that  on  the  6th  day  of 
June,  1861,  Governor  Pickens  paid  all  the  debts  of  the 
South  by  a  proclamation,  declaring  it  to  be  treason  for 
a  Southerner  to  pay  up  in  cash.  Therefore  I  deter 
mined  to  relieve  my  creditors,  and  pay  all  bills  by  a 
General  Order ;  and  accordingly  I  issued  the  follow 
ing: 

HEADQTTAETEES,  DEP'T  OF  MADISONVILLE, 

Madisonville,  La.,  June  18th,  1863. 

General  Order  ]Vo.  G. 

Having  come  to  life  after  consuming  five  gallons  of  Louisiana 
Rum,  and  having  again  assumed  command  of  this  Department,  and 
having  been  pained  at  the  sufferings  of  my  deserving  creditors, 
and  annoyed  by  their  impertinent  supplications  for  payment,  in 
order  to  relieve  them  and  me  by  an  ingenious  Confederate  device, 
it  is  hereby  ordered  and  declared  as  follows: 

1.  It  shall  be  regarded  as  treason  for  the  Major  General  com 
manding  this  Department,  or  any  of  his  staff,  to  pay  any  tailors' 
bills,  butchers'  bills,  grocers'  bills,  promissory  notes,  or  debts  of 
any  description  whatever. 

2.  Any  person  presenting  a  bill  to  the  Major  General  command 
ing  this  Department,  or  any  member  of  his  staff,  or  demanding 
payment  for  articles  supplied,  shall  be  guilty  of  misprision  of  trea 
son,  and  shall  be  punished  with  death  by  hanging,  and  his  estate 
and  personal  effects  shall  be  confiscated  to  the  personal  use  and 
possession  of  the  Major  General  commanding  this  Department. 

By  order  of  MAJOE  GENEEAL  JAMES  B.  MACPHEESON. 

THE  IDIOTIC  BOY,  Chief  of  Staff. 

The  Reliable  Gentleman. 

The  Unhappy  Cuss  and  myself  then  started  for  New 
Orleans,  to  get  the  latest  intelligence.  Arriving  at  the 


* 
THE   RELIABLE   GENTLEMAN.  155 

St.  Charles  Hotel,  we  put  up  for  the  night,  when  a 
man  came  up,  and  pulling  me  to  one  side,  asked  what 
the  news  was  from  Madisonville.  I  replied  that  I  had 
not  the  honor  of  his  acquaintance,  and  that  he  would 
do  better  to  mind  his  own  business,  and  not  exhibit 
any  of  his  impertinence  to  a  Major  General  of  Confed 
erate  Volunteers. 

Hereupon  the  fellow  drew  himself  up  with  great  dig 
nity,  until  he  looked  quite  tall,  and  said : 

«R.  G.  S.  C.  H." 

"  I  am  familiar  with  every  language,"  I  replied, 
"  known  to  articulate-speaking  men,  since  the  accident 
at  the  tower  of  Babel ;  I  understand  all  science  and 
philosophy :  I  am,  in  fact,  an  Encyclopaedia  of  Useful 
Knowledge,  revised  and  enlarged ;  but  I  cannot,  with 
all  my  learning,  master  those  mystic  symbols." 

"I  am,"  said  the  offended  fellow,  "the  Reliable 
Gentleman  of  the  St.  Charles  Hotel !" 

"  Come  to  my  arms,  sweet  one !"  I  cried,  clasping 
him  to  my  heaving  bosom  in  a  loving  embrace.  "  I 
regret  that  the  Southern  Source  is  not  here  to  make 
your  acquaintance ;  for  there  is  such  a  remarkable  re 
semblance  in  your  personal  appearance,  impudent  man 
ners,  and  unblushing  mendacity,  that  you  might  be 
mistaken  for  twins,  or  for  one  and  the  same  person." 

The  Reliable  Gentleman  bowed  profoundly,  and  re 
plied:  "I  am  proud,  General;  you  do  me  infinite 
honor.  I  am,  so  to  speak,  the  Ears  of  the  St.  Charles ; 
for  I  hear  every  thing." 

"  Judging  from  the  enormous  development  of  your 
acoustic  organs,"  I  replied,  looking  admiringly  at  his 
ears,  "  I  am  fully  prepared  to  believe  your  statement." 


156  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTERS. 

Again  the  Reliable  Gentleman  bowed  his  pleasure. 
"  I  am,"  lie  continued,  "  the  Repository  of  all  informa 
tion  ;  nothing  occurs  without  my  knowledge ;  I  am, 
sir,  a  Boiling  Caldron,  wherein  are  thrown  all  scraps 
of  information,  to  be  cooked  up  into  reliable  intelli 
gence  ;  and  as  the  witches  of  Macbeth  threw  poisoned 
entrails,  fillet  of  snake,  tongue  of  dog,  adder's  fork,  and 
lizard's  leg  into  their  caldron,  so  does  every  Big  Liar 
hurl  his  reliable  information  to  me.  I  button-hole 
every  man  I  see ;  I  pump  him  until  he  tells  all  he 
knows  and  all  he  don't  know ;  and  I  spread  the  new-s 
around  town,  adding  such  suggestions  as  will  please  the 
person  to  whom  I  speak." 

"  Dear  Caldron !"  I  replied,  kissing  him  fondly, 
"  you  are  the  man  I  have  long  desired  to  find.  Come 
now,  sit  down,  and  tell  me  all  that  has  happened  during 
the  last  four  or  five  weeks." 

You  should  have  seen  the  dignity  and  pride  which 
then  sat  enthroned  upon  the  countenance  of  the  Boil 
ing  Caldron  and  Repository,  as  he  drew  himself  up, 
apparently  believing  that  he  was  an  India  Rubber 
Man,  and  could  stretch  himself  out  as  tall  as  Honest 
Old  Abe,  if  he  but  put  himself  to  it.  I  own  I  never  saw 
"Wisdom  until  I  looked  upon  that  majestic  countenance. 
Retiring  to  the  front  of  the  Rotunda,  and  placing  our 
feet  higher  than  our  heads,  the  Reliable  Gentleman 
proceeded  to  give  me  the  following  additional  par 
ticulars  : 

"  During  the  period  you  mention,"  he  said,  impres 
sively,  "  the  bloodiest  battle  ever  fought  on  this  Conti 
nent  has  taken  place  at  Port  Hudson.  Shiloh,  Fort 
Donaldson,  Malvern  Hill,  were  as  a  drop  compared 


THE   RELIABLE    GENTLEMAN.  157 

to  the  red  ocean  of  blood  which  there  flooded  the 
land." 

"  Which  whipped  ?"  I  inquired. 

"  The  advantage  was  decidedly  with  our  arms,"  he 
replied;  "but  the  victory  was  on  the  side  of  the 
enemy." 

The  Reliable  Gentleman  was  about  to  proceed  with 
his  narrative,  when  he  suddenly  espied  an  Intelligent 
Contraband  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  street.  Quicker 
than  Olympian  lightning  he  darted  off,  seized  him  by 
the  button-hole,  and  showered  upon  him  a  series  of 
questions  in  such  rapid  succession,  that  the  Intelligent 
Contraband  was  almost  paralysed. 

"  Dey's  at  it,  rnassa !"  said  I.  C. 

"  At  what  ?"  inquired  E.  C. 

"  Fightin'  up  dar !"  was  the  reply ;  "  I'se  hearn  'em  !" 

Immediately  the  Reliable  Gentleman  rushed  fran 
tically  through  the  streets,  grabbing  every  man  he  met, 
and  telling  him  that  a  bloody  battle  was  in  progress  up 
the  river ;  that  he  had  just  seen  a  highly  respectable 
gentleman  direct  from  the  battle-field,  and  that  the 
slaughter  was  dreadful.  Immediately  the  street  corners 
were  crowded  by  an  excited  populace,  eagerly  devour 
ing  the  news,  and  repeating  it  with  wild  exaggerations. 
Soon  the  Intelligent  Contraband  approached  me,  and 
said :  "  Bar's  a  mistake,  massa.  Dat  ar  fightin'  noise 
was  dem  niggers  on  the  levee,  pilin'  up  wood !" 

The  Reliable  Gentleman  then  returned,  and  resumed 
the  history  of  events.  "  A  negro  regiment  went  in  a 
thousand  strong,"  he  said,  "  and  seven  hundred. of  them 
fell  dead  on  the  first  fire.  The  slaughter  was  terrible. 
One  was  caught  and  hung,  and  three  escaped  lame  for 


158  THE   MA.CPHERSON   LKTTERS. 

life.  Thirty-five  Federal  Generals  were  killed  on  the  spot. 
The  slaughter  was  awful.  Federal  loss  in  two  hours, 
seventeen  thousand  five  hundred  and  two.  Meantime, 
General  Johnston  concentrated  a  force  of  ninety-seven 
thousand  in  General  Banks's  rear,  ready  and  willing  to 
tear  him  in  pieces.  General  Banks  and  staff  were  cap 
tured,  and  Colonel  Grierson,  with  his  whole  command. 
The  slaughter  was  frightful.  General  Breckinridge  next 
made  his  appearance  in  General  Banks's  rear,  with  an  im 
mense  force,  and  just  before  he  arrived  at  Jackson,  sent  a 
nigger  to  General  Banks,  to  let  him  know  that  he  was  in 
his  rear.  On  the  3d  of  June,  General  Banks  raised  the 
siege,  and,  with  his  whole  command,  retreated  to  Baton 
Rouge,  which  place  was  subsequently  captured  by  the 
enemy.  The  slaughter  was  appalling.  Kirby  Smith 
then  crossed  the  river  at  Bayou  Sara,  moved  towards 
Port  Hudson,  and  got  into  General  Banks's  rear,  with 
an  immense  force,  sufficient  to  crush  him,  while  Sibley, 
just  returned  from  a  flying  visit  to  Texas,  hung  upon  his 
flanks  with  a  tremendous  force.  The  slaughter  was 
unparalleled.  General  Taylor,  about  this  time,  got  in 
General  Banks's  rear.  A  portion  of  General  Banks's 
forces  were  then  sent  to  Yicksburg  to  reinforce  General 
Grant.  About  this  time  a  detachment  of  General 
Grant's  army  was  sent  to  the  aid  of  General  Banks, 
from  Yicksburg.  The  slaughter  was  tremendous  !" 

Here  the  Reliable  Gentleman  put  on  a  look  of  such 
awful  wisdom  and  solemnity  that  I  thought  I  should 
die.  If  my  Idiotic  Boy  knew  twice  as  much  as  that 
man,  I'd  make  him  Grand  Blow-Master  of  the  Con 
federacy.  He  then  looked  around  with  his  fingers  on 
his  lips,  indicative  of  profound  secresy,  and  making  sure 


THE   RELIABLE   GENTLEMAN.  159 

that  no  one  could  overhear  him,  made  the  following 
confidential  communication :  "  Every  human  being  in 
Western  Louisiana,  white  and  black,  old  and  young,  has 
been  put  to  death  !  Every  house,  barn,  shed,  outhouse, 
tree,  stump,  shrub,  cotton-bale,  and  combustible  sub 
stance  of  every  name  and  sex,  was  burned  by  the  torch 
of  the  incendiary  !  The  country  is  depopulated  ;  the 
human  race  in  that  part  is  extinct,  and  the  inhabitants 
are  suffering  all  the  torments  of  famine  !" 

Having  delivered  this  crushing  and  reliable  announce- 

O  O 

ment,  he  started  for  the  Bar-Room  in  great  haste,  and 
I  left  instantly  for  Madisonville,  satisfied  that  the  ser 
vices  of  the  Great  Confederate  Blower  were  not  re 
quired  in  New  Orleans. 

Yours,  sufficiently, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEESON. 


160  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTEES. 


CHAPTEE  XIX. 

MACPHERSON  ENCOUNTERS  THE  CUSSED  FOOL  OF  CARONDELET- 
STREET. — BETTING  ON  VICKSBURG  AND  PORT  HUDSON. — 
FOURTH  OF  JULY  CELEBRATION  AT  MADISONVILLE,  ETC.,  ETC. 

NOTE. — The  Union  citizens  of  New  Orleans  will  not  soon  forget  the 
unbounded  joy  inspired  by  the  news  of  the  capture  of  Vicksburg  and 
Port  Hudson.  The  rebels  stoutly  refused  to  believe  that  either  place 
had  fallen,  and  pronounced  both  reports  "  Yankee  lies."  They  talked 
loudly,  and  offered  to  bet  against  odds  ;  but  it  was  found  that  when 
brought  to  the  test,  they  generally  "  backed  out." 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 

July  18th,  1863. 

SIE  : — As  I  was  sitting  in  Jacobs's  Picture  Gallery, 
undergoing  Photography,  I  chanced  to  cast  my  eyes 
upon  the  sidewalk,  and  there  I  saw  a  CUSSED  FOOL, 
whom  I  knew  at  once  was  a  good  Confederate.  There 
fore  I  rushed  out,  without  waiting  to  bid  my  friend 
good-day,  or  to  pay  my  "bill,  and  clasping  him  warmly 
by  the  hand,  asked  him  what  he  was  driving  at. 

"  Betting,"  he  replied. 

"  What  are  you  betting  on  ?"  I  asked  him. 

"  On  Vicksburg,"  replied  the  Cussed  Fool. 

"  What's  the  matter  with  Yicksburg  ?"  I  asked. 

"  Nothing,"  he  answered ;  "  and  that's  what's  the 
matter  with  me.  Come  to  my  place  in  Carondelet- 
street,  and  I  will  show  you  something  that  will  make 
your  Confederate  eyes  gleam  with  joy." 

Walking  to  his  place  I  was  delighted  to  find  that  he 
was  none  of  your  poor  white  trash,  but  an  out-and-out 


VICKSBTJEG   NOT   TAKEN   BY   GKANT.  161 

Southern  aristocrat.  We  took  four  drinks  of  wine,  and 
I  told  him  it  was  very  choice,  but  that  for  an  honest, 
steady  drink,  Louisiana  Rum  could  not  be  beaten. 

"  ISTow  then,"  said  he,  "  I  am  going  to  prove  to  you  by 
the  Confederate  Arithmetic  that  Yicksburg  is  not  taken, 
and  that  the  dispatch  published  by  the  Yankee  editor  of 
THE  ERA  was  a  foul  and  infamous  invention — a  lie  made 
out  of  whole  cloth,  for  a  bad  purpose,  which,  it  is  sup 
posed,  was  to  affect  the  price  of  sugar  and  molasses,  etc." 

"  Proceed,"  I  said,  "  for  I  am  author  of  the  Arithme 
tic  of  which  you  speak." 

"  In  the  first  place,"  said  he,  "  Yicksburg  is  impreg 
nable.  It  is  a  Gibraltar,  as  I  can  prove  to -you  by  all 
the  Southern  papers  that  have  published  any  thing  on 
the  subject."  He  then  took  down  a  file  of  Southern 
papers  and  pointed  out  eight  thousand  places  in  which 
Yicksburg  was  called  "  Gibraltar,"  and  declared  to  be 
"  impregnable."  "  E"ow,"  he  continued,  "  the  combined 
forces  of  France  and  Spain  were  unable  to  reduce  Gib 
raltar,  and  a  place  that  is  impregnable  cannot  be  taken, 
according  to  my  views.  But  when  we  come  to  analyse 
the  question  we  find  that  the  intrenchments  of  Yicks 
burg  are  equal  to  twenty  thousand  men  by  the  usual 
estimate,  and  this  multiplied  by  fifty,  according  to  Con 
federate  mathematics,  would  make  the  works  equal  to 
one  million  of  men.  One  Confederate  is  equal  to  five 
Yankees,  and  this  would  bring  it  up  to  five  millions  of 
men.  Then  we  will  take  the  garrison,  which  amounts  to 
forty  thousand.  This  sum  multiplied  by  fifty  gives  us  a 
garrison  of  two  millions,  each  of  whom  is  equal  to  five 
1  ankees,  and  so,  in  fact,  the  garrison  is  ten  millions 
strong.  The  garrison  and  the  intrenchments  together 


162  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTERS. 

thus  give  us  fifteen  million  brave  Southern  patriots,  all 
armed  and  ready  to  fight  with  desperate  valor  for  Con 
federate  independence.  That  nearly  equals  the  entire 
population  of  the  free  States,  and  if  they  cannot  hold 
out  against  Grant's  army,  then  I  will  sell  out  and  go  to 
France." 

"  You  satisfy  me,"  I  replied,  "  I  am  sure  that  Yicks- 
burg  is  not  taken !" 

"I'D.  bet  ten  thousand  dollars  on  it!"  passionately 
cried  the  Cussed  Fool. 

Just  then  a  Yankee  came  up,  and  said :  "  I'll  take 
that  bet !" 

"  What !"  cried  the  Cussed  Fool,  in  amazement. 

"  I'll  take  the  bet,"  he  repeated,  and  at  the  same  time 
put  down  ten  one  thousand  dollar  greenbacks. 

A  smile  of  wonder  passed  over  the  face  of  the  Cussed 
Fool,  as  he  surveyed  the  Yankee  from  head  to  foot,  as 
though  he  had  been  a  curiosity  in  Barnum's  Museum. 

Understanding  his  meaning,  I  proceeded  to  explain : 
"  You  Damned  Yankee,"  I  said,  "  you  do  not  under 
stand  the  principles  of  well-regulated  Southern  families. 
When  a  man  says  he  will  bet  on  the  Confederacy  or 
that  Yicksburg  is  not  taken,  do  you  suppose  he  means 
it  ?  Not  a  bit  of  it !  It  is  an  ordinance  with  the  great 
doctrine  of  Blowing ;  a  doctrine  which  I  preached  in 
the  Temple  of  Confederate  Holiness  in  Camp  street, 
and  which  is  faithfully  followed  by  every  secessionist  in 
JSTew  Orleans." 

"  That's  true,"  said  the  Cussed  Fool  of  Carondelct- 
street.  "  I'll  not  bet  a  dime ;  put  up  your  money  ! 
But  I  know  a  man  who  will  bet  ten  thousand  dollars  to 
one  thousand  that  Yicksburg  is  not  taken." 


POET   HUDSON   NOT  CAPTURED.  163 

"  Show  him  to  me,"  said  the  Damned  Yankee. 

We  then  walked  down  to  Hawkins's,  and  there  we 
found  him.  His  face  was  red  and  swollen  with  blow 
ing,  and  immediately  I  recognized  him  as  the  Great 
Southern  Snorter.  He  knew  it  was  a  lie — he  had  seen 
a  paper  of  a  later  date,  and  Vicksburg  held  out  and  was 
impregnable.  He  was  ready  to  bet  ten  to  one,  up  to 
any  amount,  that  the  Yankee  dispatch  was  a  lie. 

"  Up  to  what  amount,  sir  ?"  inquired  the  Yankee. 

"  Up  to  any  amount  you  please !"  cried  he,  at  the 
same  time  sending  out  a  peculiar  blowing  sound  from 
his  nostrils. 

"  Say  ten  thousand,"  replied  the  Yankee. 

"  Say  anything  you  please  !"  cried  the  Great  Southern 
Snorter. 

"  I  say,  then,"  replied  the  Yankee,  "  that  I'll  bet  you 
ten  thousand  dollars  against  five  thousand  that  Vicks 
burg  has  been  taken  by  General  Grant !" 

"  You  must  excuse  me,"  said  the  great  Southern 
Snorter,  "  I  just  remember  that  I  have  an  imperative 
engagement.  I  have  no  time  to  talk  with  you,  and, 
besides,  if  I  should  bet,  most  likely  I  would  get  ar 
rested."  The  great  Southern  Snorter  then  walked  oft 
with  a  sad  look,  and  all  the  Yankees  laughed. 

Just  then  a  fiendish  newsboy  came  up,  and  thrusting 
papers  in  our  faces,  cried  out :  "  Here's  your  Extra 
•ERA.—JMI  of  Port  Hudson  /" 

"  Its  another  Yankee  lie !"  cried  the  Cussed  Fool ; 
"  I'll  bet  ten  thousand  it  is  a  lie !  I  can  prove  that 
Port  Hudson  is  impregnable  and  the  Gibraltar  of  the 
Lower  Mississippi !"  He  then  ran  the  sum  over  on  the 
ends  of  his  fingers,  as  a  devout  Catholic  would  count  the 


164  THE    MACPHERSON    LETTERS. 

beads,  and  I  was  pleased  to  see  that  lie  had  the  whole 
Confederate  Arithmetic  at  his  tongue's  end.  "  Garrison, 
10,000  by  50  is  500,000,  by  5  is  "2,500,000.  Fortifica 
tions,  ditto  is  ditto;  total  number  of  Confederates, 
5,000,000  !  The  whole  Yankee  army  could  not  contend 
with  one-tenth  part  of  that  number,  and  I  Jcnow  that 
Port  Hudson  is  not  taken !" 

How  the  Rebellion  saved  Property. 

We  then  walked  off,  arm-in-arm,  the  Cussed  Fool  in 
a  most  thoughtful  abstracted  mood. 

"  Fool,"  I  said,  "  you  are  one  of  the  best  Confed 
erates  I  have  seen,  and  I  now  wish  to  ask  what  you  and 
the  rest  of  the  Confederates  got  up  this  rebellion  for  ?" 

"  To  save  our  property,"  he  replied. 

Just  then  we  observed  a  red  auction  flag  in  front  of 
a  most  beautiful  residence,  and  halting  at  the  door,  we 
discovered  TYLER,  in  all  his  glory,  selling  the  furniture 
and  every  thing  else  at  auction.  "  This,"  said  the 
Cussed  Fool,  "  is  a  sale  by  order  of  the  Quartermaster ; 
the  house  and  furniture  were  confiscated  and  sold  by 
the  United  States,  because  the  former  owner  was  in  the 
Confederate  army.  Now  see  his  splendid  furniture,  his 
mirrors  framed  with  massive  gold,  his  statuary  of 
Carrara  marble,  his  pianos,  his  library,  all  and  every 
thing  put  up  for  sale  by  Yankees,  and  bid  off  by  Yan 
kee  purchasers,  and  the  fruits  thereof  going  into  the 
treasury  of  the  United  States,  a  government  that  every 
Confederate  despises." 

"  Where  are  his  niggers  ?"  I  asked. 

"  Niggers !"  shouted  the  Cussed  Fool,  while  a  flash 


FOURTH  OF  JULY  ORATION.  165 

ing  glow  of  pain  overspread  his  fine  face ;  "  echo 
answers,  "Where?  They  have  skedaddled,  and  refuse 
to  return.  They  have  enlisted  or  found  employment 
elsewhere,  and  the  proprietor  thereof  may  say,  irt  the 
words  of  the  poet :  '  Never  again  shall  I  behold 
thee !' " 

"  And  this  is  the  way  you  saved  his  property  by  the 
rebellion  !"  I  remarked. 

"  Macpherson,"  said  the  Cussed  Fool,  "  if  the  South 
ern  Confederacy  should  bust  up,  I'm  going  to  France." 

"  Go  it,"  I  replied,  and  whistled  the  new  Confederate 
air  of  "Lee  in  Pennsylvania" 

July  4th — Magruder  in  New  Orleans. 

On  the  4th  of  July,  the  people  of  Madison ville  as 
sembled  in  a  vast  multitude  around  my  residence,  and 
demanded  an  oration.  The  Idiotic  Boy  read  the  Con 
federate  Declaration  of  Independence,  which,  for  want 
of  a  table,  he  rested  upon  the  head  of  a  nigger.  I 
then  mounted  a  soap-barrel,  and  proceeded  to  expatiate 
on  the  beauties  of  Southern  Independence.  "  It  is 
eighty-seven  years  ago  to-day,"  I  said,  "  that  George 
"Washington  and  John  B.  Floyd  laid  the  foundations  of 
the  Southern  Confederacy,  by  proclaiming  to  the  na 
tions  of  the  civilised  world  the  eternal  and  heaven- 
ordained  doctrine  of  secession.  But  it  took  Jeff.  Davis 
and  the  Miles  Legion  to  complete  the  noble  work ;  and 
it  was  not  until  the  year  1861  that  Truth,  robed  in 
light  gray,  and  bearing  a  Palmetto  tree  in  her  hand, 
stepped  forth  from  the  shores  of  South  Carolina,  and 
clasping  Jeff.  Davis  and  A.  H.  Stephens  in  her  arms, 


1G6  THE    MACPnEKSOX    LETTERS. 

carried  them  to  Richmond,  there  to  found  a  dynasty 
more  permanent  than  that  of  Denmark  Yesey  or  GOT. 
DOIT,  of  Ehode  Island." 

During  the  inspiring  ceremonies  of  this  great  cele 
bration,  the  Buzz  Saw  Division  paraded  under  arms, 
and  the  Honest  Jew  peddled  jewelry  among  the  crowd. 
I  then  had  the  following  General  Order  read  aloud, 
and  the  vast  assembly  dispersed  to  their  respectable 
abode  - : 

HEADQUARTERS, 
DEPARTMENT  OF  MADISOXVILL  , 

Madison ville,  La.,  July  4th,  1863. 
General  Order  Xo.  7. 

1.  The  General  Commanding  felicitates  the  people  of  his  De 
partment  on  the  recent  brilliant  Confederate  Victories  at  Port 
Hudson  and  Vicksburg.  and  also  in  Pennsylvania  and  Tennessee. 
The  splendid  valor  of  our  troops  has  demonstrated  to  the  world 
that  an  impregnable  Gibraltar  cannot  be  taken,  and  that  an  in 
vincible  warrior  cannot  whipped. 

2.  General  Magruder,  having  captured  the  city  of  Xew  Orleans 
and  Forts  Jackson  and  St.  Philip,  will  immediately  report  to  me 
for  duty  at  these  headquarters. 

3.  The  city  of  Xew  Orleans  and  vicinity  are  hereby  annexed  to 
the  Department  of  Madisonville. 

By  order  of  Major  General  JAMES  B.  MACPJIERSOX: 

THE  IDIOTIC  BOY,  Chief  of  Staff. 

The  Philosophy  of  Honesty. 

Before  leaving  the  Cussed  Fool,  I  asked  him  to  de 
fine  Honesty,  and  he  replied  that  it  consisted  of  form 
ing  an  opinion  and  sticking  to  it  through  thick  and 
thin,  in  spite  of  facts  or  arguments.  "  The  man,''  said 
he,  "  who  lives  up  to  his  faith  at  the  greatest  sacrifice 
of  comfort,  money,  and  common  sense,  is  the  most 
honest  man.  Tell  me  who  you  think  he  is." 


THE   PHILOSOPHY   OF    HONESTY.  107 

I  replied  as  follows:  "I  agree  with  jour  definition, 
and-  in  my  opinion  Brigham  Young  is  the  most  honest 
and  self-sacrificing  man  on  this  Continent.  lie  be 
lieves  in  Bigamy,  and  lives  up  to  his  creed  by  main 
taining  forty  wives,  -thus  depriving  him  of  every 
earthly  comfort  to  illustrate  the  great  principle  of 
his  creed ! '' 

Yours,  heroically, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEESON. 


168  THE   MACPHEKSON   LETTEKS. 


CHAPTEK  XX. 

THE  PHANTOM  CONFEDERATE;  OR,  THE  GHOST  OF  MADISON- 

VILLE. 

(A  True  Story.) 

MADISONVILLE,  LA., 

August  1, 1863. 

SIK: — It  was  in  the  full  of  the  Moon,  in  the  month 
called  Julius  by  the  Romans,  and  anno  tertiq  de  la 
Southern  Confederacy,  at  the  very  witching  hour  of 
night,  when  churchyards  yawn,  and  hell  itself  breathes 
forth  contagion  to  the  world,  that  I  might  have  been 
seen  seated  on  a  cypress  stump,  in  the  midst  of  a  blasted 
heath,  near  the  classical  city  of  Madison ville,  C.  S.  A., 
with  a  roll  of  plug  tobacco  in  my  hand,  (a  present 
from  Gov.  Lubbock,  of  Texas),  and  a  Confederate  can 
teen  of  Louisiana  Rum  by  my  side.  Thus  sitting  did  I 
meditate  upon  that  beautiful  scene  described  by  Yir- 
gil,  in  which  ^Eneas,  with  his  Trojan  followers,  as 
ragged  and  dirty  as  a  Confederate  army,  was  visited 
by  Venus,  his  good-looking  mother,  who  came  in  the 
form  of  a  huntress,  with  a  commodious  bow  hanging 
from  her  white  shoulders.  0  Dea  certe  !  cried  the 
pious  ^Eneas ;  which,  being  translated  into  the  Con 
federate  tongue,  means :  0  goddess  for  certain ! 
"  Why,"  thought  I,  "  if  goddesses  for  certain,  gods, 
apparitions,  ghosts,  hobgoblins,  phantoms,  and  spec 
tres  visited  the  great  warriors  and  philosophers  of 
ancient  days,  why  may  they  not  also  visit  me,  who 


THE   PHANTOM   CONFEDERACY.  169 

surpass  all  mortals  both  in  the  invincible  strength  of 
my  arm,  and  the  magnificent  gifts  of  intellect  ?" 

Scarcely  had  this  sublime  thought  turned  itself 
over  in  my  mind,  when  I  heard  a  low  sound  floating 
upon  the  air,  in  tones  as  gentle  as  the  ^Eolian  Harp, 
and  immediately  I  recognised  it  as  a  spiritual  Con 
federate  snort. 

"  O  JDeus  Confcederatus,  certe  /"  I  exclaimed,  "  be 
thou  a  spirit  of  health  or  a  Yankee  damned ;  bring 
with  thee  airs  from  heaven  or  blasts  from  Boston  ;  be 
thy  intents  wicked  or  charitable,  thou  comest  in  such 
questionable  shape  that  I  will  speak  to  thee !  I'll  call 
thee — Macpherson,  Confederate  Royal  Blower!" 

"  I  am,"  responded  the  as  yet  Unseen,  "  the  Phan 
tom  Confederate,  or  the  Ghost  of  Madisonville,  doomed 
for  a  certain  space  to  walk  the  night,  and  by  day  con 
fined  to  fast  on  mule's  meat,  until  the  surrender  of  the 
garrison  shall  ensure  us  Yankee  rations  !  List,  list,  Oh 
list ! — if  ever  thou  didst  thy  dear  Confederate  love — " 

Macpherson — "  Oh  heaven  ! " 

Phantom  Confederate — "Then  give  me  thy  can 
teen  ;  for  now  am  I  consumed  by  devouring  thirst ! " 

Mac.— "Thirst?" 

P.  C. — "Ay,  thirst  most  dry,  as  in  the  best  it  is  ;  but 
this  most  dry,  queer,  and  unnatural !" 

Mac. — "  Haste  me  to  know  it,  that  I,  with  wings  as 
swift  as  meditation  or  the  thoughts  of  love,  may  swoop 
to  my  revenge !  " 

I  then  seized  the  canteen  in  a  glow  of  generosity, 
placed  the  muzzle  to  my  lips,  and  drank  the  contents 
at  a  single  gulp,  after  which  I  gave  him  my  canteen 
as  he  had  requested.  "  Behold  ! "  I  said  to  him,  "  the 

8 


170  THE   MACPHEKSON   LETTERS. 

generosity  of  a  true  Confederate.  Thus  did  the  Louis 
iana  Secesli  Convention  of  1861  gobble  up  the  Custom 
house,  Mint,  light-houses,  arsenal,  and  revenue  cutters 
of  the  United  States,  while  Honest  Old  Abe  stood 
looking  on,  greedily  begrudging  the  same  !  Approach, 
dread  corse  !  that  I  may  gaze  upon  thee !  Is  it  not 
enough  that  the  whole  Yankee  race  should  be  leagued 
together  against  me,  that  spirits  must  be  summoned 
from  the  vasty  deep,  to  disturb  the  repose  of  the  great 
Confederate  warrior  ?" 

The  ghost  then  approached,  and,  turning  my  eyes 
upon  him,  I  beheld  a  being  of  majestic  mien,  dressed 
in  a  gray  uniform,  with  a  cadaverous  countenance,  and 
very  dirty.  His  garments  were  tattered  and  torn  in 
such  a  manner  that  whenever  he  stepped,  the  legs  of 
his  breeches  released  his  limbs  to  the  gaze  of  the  mid 
night  Moon. 

"  Wherefore,"  I  asked,  "  presumest  thou,  thus  ragged, 
to  come  into  the  presence  of  a  Major  General  of  Con 
federate  Volunteers  ?" 

"Because,"  replied  the  ghost,  "I  haven't  got  any 
other  clothes.  I  am  the  representative  phantom  of  the 
Southern  Confederacy.  I  was  born  in  South  Carolina, 
and  have  relatives  in  eleven  States,  besides  New  York 
city  and  Vallandigham's  district."  He  then  showed 
me  a  neck-tie  with  eleven  stars  in  it,  emblematic  of  the 
Bonnie  Blue  Flag,  and  wrought  by  the  ladies  of  New 
Orleans.  As  he  was  showing  this  to  me,  he  smote  his 
head  with  pain,  raised  his  eyes  upwards  and  exclaimed. 
"  Oh !" 

"."What's  the  row,  sweety?"  I  enquired. 

"  That,"  replied  he,  "  is  occasioned  by  a  contraction 


FAREWELL   TO   THE   CRESCENT   CITY.  171 

of  the  Federal  lines ;  I  feel  it  squeezing  the  brains  out 
of  their  natural  channels." 

"Fear  not,"  I  answered,  "you  have  not  brains 
enough  to  suffer  serious  damage." 

Suddenly  the  Phantom  began  to  dance  with  the 
wildest  joy,  while  his  whole  ghastly  face  became  lighted 
up  with  enthusiastic  bliss.  "  Tell  me,"  I  said,  "  the 
cause  of  this  sudden  revulsion  of  feeling,  which  seems 
to  have  lifted  you  from  the  lowest  sub-basement  of 
Despair  to  the  highest  attic  of  Delight  ?" 

"A  great  victory  in  Pennsylvania!"  he  replied. 
"  The  field  of  Gettysburg  fills  me  with  unspeakable 
happiness !" 

As  he  spoke,  however,  I  noticed  that  one  of  his  eyes 
had  been  gouged  out,  and  one  side  of  his  face  complete 
ly  smashed  in,  while  a  stream  of  blood  was  coursing  to 
the  earth.  I  inquired  the  meaning  of  this,  and  he  re 
plied  it  was  the  result  of  casualties  at  Gettysburg. 
"  "No  great  victory,"  he  said,  "  is  ever  won  without  ap 
palling  sacrifices  of  life  and  limb ;  but  Lee  has  succeed 
ed  in  getting  out  of  Pennsylvania,  with  a  loss  of  only 
forty-five  thousand  men !" 

"Is  that  all?"  I  asked. 

"  Every  bit,  sure  as  you  live,  Macpherson !"  cried 
the  Confederate  Ghost ;  and,  jumping  up,  I  began  to 
whistle  the  air  of  "Molly,  put  the  "kettle  on"  and  then, 
seizing  each  other's  hands,  we  danced  a  compound 
double-shuffle  for  thirty  minutes,  in  honor  of  Gettys 
burg.  This  magnificent  exhibition  was  interrupted  by 
twinges  of  excruciating  pain,  which  caused  the  Ghost 
to  writhe  and  swear  like  a  man  with  the  gout.  "  What 
now  ?"  I  enquired. 


172  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

"  That  disease,"  lie  answered,  "  is  known  in  the  Con 
federacy  as  ' jRoseorans  in  the  Legs?  Whenever  a  Con 
federate  General  gets  that  disorder,  he  starts  off  at  a 
double-quick,  and  cannot  stop  until  he  falls,  out  of 
wind.  I've  got  the  disease  !"  he  cried,  with  a  tone  of 
terror.  "  I  caught  it  in  Tennessee  and  Pennsylvania. 
Curse  those  malarious  Yankee  dens  of  death  and  per 
dition  !"  And  so  exclaiming,  the  Ghost  started  off, 
and  ran  so  smartly  that  even  I,  fleet  of  limb  as  I  am, 
could  scarcely  keep  up.  Over  the  blasted  heath, 
through  the  silent  streets  of  Madisonville,  down  the 
lane,  and  around  the  dilapidated  hospitable  abode, 
ran  the  fleet-footed  Ghost,  with  Macpherson  at  his  heels. 
The  Idiotic  Boy  jumped  out  of  bed,  and  joined  in  the 
chase,  without  waiting  to  dress.  In  vain  did  we  try  to 
tree  him — in  vain  to  intercept  him  !  To  run,  run,  run, 
now  and  forever,  seemed  to  be  the  strong  passion  that 
possessed  his  Soul,  and  bound  his  body  obedient  to  the 
Will.  "  Tullahoma !"  he  cried,  as  he  leaped  a  wide 
ditch.  "  Chattanooga  !"  he  screamed,  as  he  jumped  a 
fence,  and  fell  on  the  other  side,  exhausted  and  appar 
ently  defunct.  Raising  him  to  his  feet,  I  rubbed  his 
head  with  a  shoe  brush  until  the  left  eye  opened,  his 
lips  quivered,  and  he  faintly  whispered  in  my  ear  the 
word  "  Bragg-adocio  !" 

A  Strange  Phenomenon. 

Now  it  was  that  a  most  extraordinary  phenomenon 
presented  itself  to  my  eyes.  The  Ghost,  starting  up, 
suddenly  leaped  in  the  air  like  a  bullet-pierced  Indian, 
and  fell  to  the  earth  in  two  pieces.  Upon  examination, 


EXTRAORDINARY   PHENOMENON.  173 

I  discovered  that  he  had  been  clean  split  in  two  length 
wise,  as  even  and  slick  as  though  an  immense  razor, 
dropped  with  the  accuracy  of  a  guillotine  and  the 
power  of  Hercules,  had  severed  him  in  twain.  It  ex 
tended  to  the  top  of  the  cranium.  One  piece  was,  in 
short,  the  right  half  of  a  human  body,  and  the  other  the 
left  half.  It  now  became  doubtful  whether  conscious 
ness  would  ever  return;  but  return  it  did,  and  each 
separate  part  began  to  talk  on  its  own  hook,  the  left 
part  saying  his  name  was  J.  Davis,  and  the  right  that 
his  name  was  Magruder  Lubbock.  The  conversation 
of  the  two  was  so  incoherent  and  contradictory,  it  was 
evident  neither  side  knew  what  the  other  was  about, 
and  both  bled  so  copiously  that  I  was  in  constant  fear 
of  instantaneous  dissolution.  I  asked  J.  Davis  to  give 
me  the  name  of  this  extraordinary  disease,  and  he  re 
plied  that  it  was  called  "  Open  Mississippi  River"  in 
the  Confederacy.  "When  a  man  gets  this  disorder," 
he  continued,  "  his  case  is  incurable  ;  there  is  no  possi 
bility  of  ever  again  uniting  his  disjointed  parts.  I 
caught  it  at  Vicksburg  and  Port  Hudson,  and  there  is 
no  medicine  in  the  world  that  can  do  me  good  !" 

Visit  to  New  Orleans. 

The  Idiotic  Boy  and  myself  tore  up  a  Confederate 
blanket,  and  with  the  pieces  tied  together  the  two  parts 
the  best  we  could,  and  all  three  of  us  started  for  New 
Orleans  in  a  butcher's  cart.  As  if  wonders  would 
never  cease,  when  we  arrived  in  front  of  the  St.  Charles 
Hotel,  I  found  that  half  of  the  Ghost  had  disappeared. 
On  enquiring  of  the  remaining  half  what  had  become 


174:  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

of  his  fellow,  lie  replied  that  on  drawing  up  before  the 
Hotel,  the  right  eye  had  espied  General  Weitzel  stand 
ing  on  the  steps,  and  had  immediately  left  for  Texas, 
procuring  a  new  crutch  at  Brashear  City. 

Curiously  did  I  watch  the  movements  of  the  remain 
ing  half  of  the  Phantom  Confederate.  He  strayed  leis 
urely  down  to  the  Clay  Monument,  and  informed  the 
crowd  that  foreign  intervention  was  now  a  fixed  fact, 
and  that  a  French  fleet  was  about  to  be  sent  to  New 
Orleans,  in  obedience  to  the  petition  of  our  French  cit 
izens  to  the  Emperor,  through  their  consul  here,  to  be 
protected  against  a  negro  insurrection  that  broke  out 
in  this  city  on  the  Fourth  of  July,  and  has  been  raging 
with  terrible  fury  ever  since.  Having  made  all  his 
friends  in  that  neighborhood  happy,  by  this  announce 
ment,  he  then  walked  up  to  Caroiidelet-street  and  visit 
ed  the  Cussed  Fool,  who  read  Yallandigham's  second 
letter  aloud  from  the  balcony,  to  an  admiring  audience. 
At  this  stage  of  the  proceedings  an  Extra  EEA  an 
nounced  the  total  suppression  of  the  great  Confederate 
Revolution  in  !N"ew  York  city,  whereupon  the  Phan 
tom  put  on  a  look  of  dismay,  and  disappeared  through 
the  back  door,  in  a  sudden  and  unaccountable  manner. 
I  have  not  seen  him  since. 

Let  no  one  question  the  literal  truth  of  my  ghost 
story.     I  give  the  world  the  untarnished  honor  of  a 
Confederate  soldier  and  a  chivalric  Southern  gentleman, 
that  every  word  I  have  written  is  exact,  literal  truth. 
Yours,  intermittently, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEKSON. 


ONE  MAJSf  RESPONSIBLE  FOE  ANOTHER'S   ACTS.      1T5 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

MACPHERSON  is  ARRESTED  FOR  ASSAULT  AND  BATTERY. — HE 
EXPOUNDS  THE  LAW  OF  RESPONSIBILITY. — HE  VISITS  PORT 

HUDSON     AND     VlCKSBURG. HE    TESTS    THE    HOMOEOPATHIC 

PRINCIPLE,  AND  is  CHASED  BY  THE  DEVIL,  ETC.,  ETC. 

NOTE. — The  Author  takes  the  liberty  of  introducing  an  extract 
from  a  very  complimentary  introduction* to  the  main  portion  of  the 
following  letter  from  the  Indianapolis  Journal,  as  explanatory  of  its 
spirit. 

'*  The  responsibility  of  the  '  Abolitionist '  for  the  beating  Mac- 
pherson  gave  the  '  nigger/  is  exactly  that  which  the  Copperheads 
fasten  upon  the  people  of  the  North  for  the  Southern  rebellion.  '  If 
you  had  only  done  what  the  South  wanted,'  they  say,  '  there  would 
have  been  no  war.  Why  didn't  you  get  down  on  your  knees  and  lick 
the  dust,  and  take  your  kicking  kindly,  as  we  did,  and  wanted  you  to 
do?  If  you  had,  this  unnatural  and  unconstitutional  war  would 
never  have  happened.  You  are  responsible  for  it.  The  blood  is  all 
on  your  skirts,  you  mean,  cowardly  whelps.'  Macpherson  epitomizes 
the  speech  of  Judge  Perkins  before  the  K.  G.  C.'s  last  winter  'to  a 
dot.'  The  judge,  himself,  could  not  state  its  main  point  and  spirit 
better." 

MADISONVTLLE,  LA., 

August  22d,  1863. 

SIR  : — As  I  was  going  along  Rampart  street,  in  New 
Orleans,  last  Wednesday,  I  met  a  nigger  on  one  side  of 
the  street  and  an  Abolitionist  on  the  other.  "  Abo.,"  I 
said,  "  you  go  over  and  pull  that  nigger's  wool." 

"What  for  Tasked  Abo. 

"  Because  I  tell  you  to,"  I  replied. 

"  It  wouldn't  be  right,"  replied  Abo. ;  "  the  boy  has 
done  me  no  harm,  and  I  shan't  pull  his  wool." 

"If  you  don't  do  it,"  I  replied,  "I'll  knock  him  down 
and  pound  him  within  an  inch  of  his  life."  f 


176  THE  MACPHEESON   LETTEES. 

"  I  shartt  do  it,"  said  Abo. ;  "  and  I  would  like  to 
know  what  he  has  done  to  you." 

"  Nothing,"  I  replied,  "  but  he's  a  nigger,  and  that's 
enough.  If  you'll  pull  his  wool  I'll  let  him  off.  But 
you  won't,  and  if  I  whip  him  to  death,  you'll  be  re 
sponsible  for  it,  you  vile  inhuman,  Abolition  renegade  ! 
Where's  your  humanity  for  the  nigger  ?  "Where's  your 
philanthropy  ?  Where's  your  regard  for  human  rights 
and  liberties  ?  The  owner  and  overseer  are  the  only 
true  friends  of  the  nigger !  I  implore  you  to  save  him 
from  the  awful  mauling  I'll  give  him;  but  you 
won't,  you  infernal,  hypocritical,  sneaking,  puritanical, 
drawling,  damned  Massachusetts,  Boston,  round-head 
Yankee  Abolition  fool !"  Saying  which,  with  a  stream 
of  fire  flashing  from  both  eyes,  I  rushed  upon  the  darkey 
with  the  ferocity  of  a  tiger,  knocked  him  flat  on  his 
back,  kicked  his  face  into  a  jelly,  and  whipped  him  with 
a  raw-hide  until  he  wasn't  able  to  stand  on  his  feet,  and 
a  stream  of  blood  ran  from  every  vein  in  his  body. 

"  What's  you  gone  an'  done,  massa  ?"  said  the  un 
happy  wretch,  when  I  let  up  on  him. 

"I,  you  black  numbskull!"  I  answered ;  "/didn't 
do  it :  it  was  that  sneaking  Abolition  nigger-thief  that 
did  it.  I  am  your  best  friend  and  protector  !" 

A  policeman  came  up  and  arrested  me  for  assault 
and  battery.  I  was  arraigned  at  the  bar  as  a  crimi 
nal,  and  made  the  following  address  to  the  Court : 

Macpherson*  s  eloquent  Plea  in  Defense. 

"  May  it  please  the  Court :  I  do  not  suppose  any  thing 
I  can  say  will  alter  your  predetermined  decision,  or 


DEFENSE    FOB   BEATING    THE   NIGGER.  1Y7 

your  fixed  resolution  to  offer  me  up  as  a  sacrifice  to 
Abolition  fanaticism.  As  Socrates  stood  up  to  be  tried 
by  a  pack  of  heathen  numbskulls,  so  do  I  stand  up  in 
the  presence  of  Yankee  nincompoops,  who  no  more 
comprehend  and  understand  the  rules  and  regulations 
of  Confederate  Courts  of  Justice,  than  Jeff.  Davis  com 
prehends  the  meaning  of  his  own  proclamations.  And 
as  Socrates  fell  a  prey  to  the  lubberheadedness  of  the 
popular  Athenian  tribunal,  so  shall  I  fail,  with  all  my 
learning,  to  prevent* this  besotted  Court  from  commit 
ting  Scandalum  Magnatum — an  offense  against  Con 
federate  prelates  and  dignitaries,  which,  under  the  old 
statutes  of  England,  was  no  offense  when  committed 
against  common  folks,  but  a  crime  when  done  to  big 
men  like  me.  Nevertheless,  if  the  truth  can  permeate 
your  bestial  intellects,  allow  me  to  call  your  attention 
to  the  law  of  this  case.  In  the  first  place,  I  take  the 
ground  that  the  authority  of  Governor  Moore  and  the 
Louisiana  Legislature  (which  at  last  accounts  was  in 
session  behind  the  Rocky  Mountains),  is  in  force  in  this 
city,  and  that  the  Black  Code  of  Louisiana  is  binding 
upon  Yankees  who  come  into  the  Department  of  the 
Gulf.  I  also  plead  the  usages  and  customs  of  the  Con 
federates  in  justification  of  my  conduct ;  and  this 
brings  me  to  a  logical  analysis  of  the  case.  The  wit 
nesses  against  me  are  two — a  nigger  and  an  Abolition 
ist.  Under  the  Black  Code  of  Louisiana,  a  slave's 
testimony  cannot  be  taken  in  a  Court  of  Justice,  and 
under  the  former  precedents  and  usages  of  this  great 
Confederate  Commonwealth,  an  Abolitionist  should  be 
hung  without  trial.  Therefore,  the  nigger's  evidence 
is  no  evidence  at  all,  and  the  Abolitionist  has  no  busi- 


178  THE    MACPIIERSON    LETTERS. 

ness  here ;  he  had  better  go  North  and  sing  psalms,  and 
not  venture  into  my  Department,  for  if  he  does  I'll 
hang  him  higher  than  Haman  or  John  Brown.  I  there 
fore  ask  the  Court  to  discharge  me,  send  the  nigger 
back  to  Confederate  slavery,  and  hang  the  Aboli 
tionist." 

The  Court  didn't  see  it,  and  so  I  continued  my  thrill 
ing  discourse : 

"  In  the  second  place,  the  Abolition  Cuss  is  responsi 
ble  for  the  pounding  of  the  darkey ;  since,  had  he 
pulled  his  wool  as  I  requested  him  to  do,  I  should  not 
have  touched  the  black  brute.  But  Horace  Greeley  is 
the  author  of  this  war,  and  Wendell  Phillips  got  up  the 
late  riots  in  New  York,  as  I  can  prove  to  you  by  an 
editorial  in  one  of  the  New  Orleans  papers  :  and  what 
can  you  expect  of  an  Abolitionist  any  how  ?  They 
alone  are  responsible  for  the  war  and  for  slavery,  and 
therefore  I  ought  to  be  discharged." 

In  spite  of  this  irresistible  logic,  which  should  have 
secured  my  instant  release,  the  Court  declined  to  let 
me  off,  and  was  about  to  pronounce  sentence,  when  I 
jumped  out  of  the  second-story  window,  and  made  off 
for  Madisonville  so  fast  that  the  whole  Department  of 
the  Gulf  couldn't  catch  me. 

Macpherson  visits  Port  Hudson  and  Viclcsburg. 

I  went  up  to  Port  Hudson  and  Vicksburg  on  the 
steamer  Crescent,  with  a  whole  load  of  Yankee  generals, 
colonels,  congressmen,  lawyers,  and  editors,  and  shed 
tears  of  inconsolable  grief  as  I  gazed  upon  the  deserted 
Confederate  rat-holes  behind  the  parapets  of  Port  Hud- 


APPARITION    OF   THE    DEVIL.  179 

son,  where  we  stopped  to  look  at  the  works.  "Not 
believing  that  the  place  had  been  taken,  I  enquired  for 
the  headquarters  of  General  Gardner,  and  was  direct 
ed  to  an  old  house  that  had  many  holes  through  the 
roof,  and  the  balcony  clean  knocked  off  by  Yankee 
shells. 

"  Is  General  Gardner  in  ?"  I  enquired  of  a  sentinel. 

"  Yes,"  was  the  reply,  "  he  is  in  jail." 

I  knew  then  that  Port  Hudson  was  taken,  and  so 
telegraphed  to  the  Cussed  Fool  of  Carondelet  street.  I 
regret  to  add  that  my  observations  at  Yicksburg  were 
equally  unsatisfactory. 


Similia  Similibus  Curantur. 

Heart-sick  and  discouraged  at  the  drooping  condition 
of  the  Confederate  cause  on  the  Mississippi,  I  returned 
to  Madisonville,  and  devoted  myself  wholly  to  drink 
ing.  Having  swallowed  one  demijohn  of  Louisiana 
Rum,  I  became  beastly  drunk ;  and  then  it  was  that  the 
great  principle  of  Hahnemann — "  like  cures  like" — burst 
upon  my  mind.  If  it  be  true,  I  thought,  that  like 
cures  like,  then  will  another  demijohn  of  the  same  de 
structive  liquid  restore  my  mind  and  body  to  their  ac 
customed  activity.  Accordingly  I  applied  the  remedy 
in  doses  larger  than  those  which  had  produced  the 
disease,  and  it  resulted  in  a  perfect  cure.  I  got  over 
being  drunk,  but  in  doing  so  I  got  the  delirium  tre- 
niens,  which  lasted  me  for  two  weeks,  and  confined  me 
to  my  room.  That  is  the  reason  I  have  not  written 
any  letters  recently. 

I  never  suspected  that  the  Devil  was  a  hod-carrier 


180  THE   MACPHEKSON    LETTERS. 

until  I  was  prostrated  by  this  singular  disorder  ;  but  as 
soon  as  the  thing  was  fairly  on  me,  I  saw  him  with  a  hod 
of  bricks  on  the  top  of  his  head,  grinning  at  me  hideous 
ly,  and  every  now  and  then  picking  out  a  brick  and 
pitching  it  at  my  head  with  unerring  aim.  I  cut  around 
the  house  because  the  Devil  was  after  me,  but  he  was 
too  fast,  and  hit  me  at  every  step.  He  was  dressed  in 
gray  uniform,  a  good  deal  soiled  and  faded,  and  his 
shoes  had  burst  out  so  that  it  showed  his  cloven  foot. 
This  performance  continued  at  intervals  for  fourteen 
days,  and  whenever  the  Old  Boy  chased  me  around  the 
house,  he  hummed  the  following : 


DITTY,  SUNG  BY  OLD  SCRATCH  AS  HE  CHASED  MACPHER- 
SON  WITH  BRICKS. 

Dear  Jeff,  's  sick  they  say, 
But  I  mean  lie  shall  stay 
On  earth  a  while  longer ; 
My  cause  will  be  stronger 
With  his  plotting  you  see  ; 
So  a  while  let  him  be  ! 

Secession  I  like, 

It  was  a  ten-strike  ; 

My  clerks  are  all  busy — 

Writing  names  till  they're  dizzy  1 

Yet  awhile,  it  is  planned, 

Jeff's  card-house  shall  stand ! 

I  like  men  that  lie 
So  much  faster  than  I 
Ever  could,  I  believe, 
E'en  in  dealing  with  Eve ! 
Yes,  the  Rebs  are  a  wonder, 
They  lie  so  like  thunder ! 

I  love  New  York  rioters 
And  slung-shot  proprietors, 
Who'll  burn  an  Asylum ; 
Not  yet  will  I  "  spile"  'em  ! 


THE  DEVIL'S  DITTY.  181 

I've  suspended  my  orders 

To  bring  'em  into  my  borders ! 

The  Copperhead  faction 
Suits  me  just  to  a  fraction, 
They  follow  Fernando 
And  play  to  my  hand  so, 
And  never  pull  triggers 
But  in  shooting  poor  niggers ! 

And  as  for  that  standing  sham, 
Mr.  Vallandigham, 
And  New  York  Judge  McCunn, 
There  never  was  better  one ; 
They  preach  habeas  corpus 
And  blow  like  a  porpoise  ! 

Yet  a  while  let  'em  hobble, 

But  soon  will  I  gobble 

The  whole,  as  guerillas 

Seize  chickens  or  fillies, 

With  greater  momentum 

Than  grape  could  have  sent  'em ! 

"When  lie  finished  up  the  performance  of  this  ditty, 
he  disappeared,  and  I  arose  clothed  and  in  my  right 
mind. 

Yours,  occasionally, 

J.  BUCHANAN  MACPHEESOIT. 


182  THE   MACPHEESON   LETTERS. 


CHAPTEE  XXII. 

MACPHERSON  is  SEIZED  WITH  THE  NEWSPAPER  MANIA,  AND  DE 
TERMINES  TO  BECOME  AN  EDITOR. HE  DISSOLVES    THE  ARMY 

OF  MADISONVILLE,  ETC.,  ETC. 

NOTE. — At  the  time  tliis  letter  was  published,  a  great  number  of 
newspaper  schemes  were  on  foot  in  New  Orleans.  No  less  than  three 
new  dailies  were  in  contemplation,  beside  one  which  had  actually 
been  started. 

MADISONTTLLE,  LA., 

Oct.  9,  1863. 

SIR: — Keturning  from  the  Convention  of  General 
Magruder  and  the  kicked-out  Governors,  recently  held 
in  Texas,  I  stopped  in  New  Orleans  on  my  return.  But 
I  soon  discovered  that  a  malignant  and  destructive  con 
tagion  had  broken  out  in  that  city,  which,  in  its  devas 
tating  ravages,  spared  neither  age,  sex,  color,  nor  condi 
tion.  From  the  high  in  position  down  to  the  lowest 
son  of  a  gun,  it  took  all,  sparing  none  in  its  onward  and 
miraculous  progress.  As  the  hot  and  noxious  simoom 
sweeps  over  the  burning  sand,  while  a  thick  sulphurous 
exhalation  rises  from  the  earth,  Erst  in  hurried  gyra 
tions,  and  then  ascends  the  air  and  covers  the  whole 
heavens — while  hissing  and  crackling  noises  are  heard, 
and  animal  life  perishes  as  though  touched  by  Greek 
fire,  even  so  had  this  pestilent  epidemic  seized  with  an 
unyielding  grasp  every  one  who  ventured  within  the 
circle  of  its  magic  influence.  The  millionaire  was  taken 
in  the  midst  of  luxury  and  splendor ;  the  lawyer  in  his 
office ;  the  literati  in  garrets ;  fair  women  fell  its  vie- 


A   MALIGNANT   CONTAGION.  183 

tims  ;  even  a  Confederate,  fresh  from  Fort  Jackson,  was 
stricken  before  he  had  been  three  days  from  prison. 

My  first  impulse  was  to  skedaddle,  as  unceremoni 
ously  as  the  Reliable  Gentleman  of  the  St.  Charles  Hotel 
did,  when  he  heard  there  was  a  case  of  yellow  fever  in 
town.  But  learning  that  the  disease  seldom  proved 
fatal,  except  to  the  pocket,  I  determined  to  take  my 
chances,  especially  as  I  had  no  money,  and  was,  in  fact, 
a  travelling  object  of  charity.  But  I  had  not  been  in 
the  city  two  hours  before  I  was  seized  with  a  violent 
and  uncontrollable  desire  to  start  a  daily  newspaper,  or 
to  get  an  interest  in  one  already  started.  It  came  upon 
me  like  a  flash  of  lightning  hurled  by  the  hand  of  Jupi 
ter,  when  he  darts  the  destructive  bolts  from  the  summit 
of  divine  Olympus  ;  and  it  worked  upon  my  mind  in  a 
manner  so  violent  that  I  soon  fell  sprawling  on  the 
floor,  as  flat  as  one  of  Sylvanus  Cobb's  novels.  The 
crash  of  my  fall  hastily  brought  a  friend  to  my  side. 
"  Great  Heaven !"  he  exclaimed ;  "  Macpherson  has  got 
the  contagion  !  A  physician,  quick !  for  the  love  of 
Confederate  intellect !"  A  distinguished  physician  soon 
appeared,  felt  of  my  bounding  pulse,  and  began  to 
question  me  as  to  the  symptoms  of  the  disorder. 

"  This  desire  to  start  a  newspaper,"  he  began — "have 
you  ever  had  it  before  ?" 

"  Only  in  slight  degree,"  I  answered  him.  "  For 
some  time  I  have  bad  it  in  my  head  to  put  the  Idiotic 
Boy  in  editorial  charge  of  a  paper ;  for  the  manner  in 
which  the  press  in  New  Orleans  is  conducted,  has  con 
vinced  me  that  he  would  be  a  bright  and  shining  light 
among  his  cotemporaries.  But  that  was  as  nothing 
compared  to  the  desire  which  I  now  feel.  A  wild, 


IS-l  THE   MACPHERSON    LETTERS. 

restless  fatality,  an  irresistible  purpose,  consume  me, 
as  if  one  of  Gillmore's  batteries  had  been  opened, 
sweeping  Greek  Fire  through  my  bones." 

"  There  is  no  doubt  as  to  what  ails  you,"  said  the 
good  Doctor,  shaking  his  head  gravely  ;  "  you  have 
caught  the  prevailing  distemper,  known  in  medical 
parlance  as  the  ^Newspaper  Mania  !  " 

"Is  there  no  remedy  !  "  I  asked. 

"  Only  one  that  I  know  of,"  he  answered. 

"  And  what  might  that  be  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  To  pay  the  bills  of  some  newspaper  establishment 
for  a  month,"  he  replied,  "  receiving  in  return  the  re 
ceipts  of  the  concern,  has,  so  far  as  my  observation 
goes,  proved  an  effectual  remedy  for  all  complaints  of 
this  nature." 

"  Is  the  remedy  severe  ? "  I  asked. 

"Alas!  yes,"  he  answered;  "none  but  millionaires 
can  indulge  in  it ;  and  unless  you  have  plenty  of 
metal,  your  case  is  hopeless." 

I  therefore  hurried  back  to  Madisonville,  hoping  that 
a  change  of  climate  and  the  quiet  repose  of  my  home, 
might  restore  my  mental  equilibrium  ;  or  that,  con 
certing  measures  with  the  Honest  Jew,  I  might  gratify 
the  terrible  desire  that  now  burned  to  the  very  mar 
row  of  my  bones. 

Imagine  my  horror,  therefore,  when  on  reaching  my 
abode,  I  found  that  the  very  disorder  from  which  I 
had  hoped  to  escape,  was  raging  with  tenfold  fury  in 
Madisonville.  The  Idiotic  Boy,  first  among  the  vic 
tims,  had  already  started  a  daily,  and  was  astonishing 
the  human  race  with  the  wisdom  and  genius  of  his 
leaders.  Three  secret  prospectuses  were  in  circulation 


THE   NEWSPAPER   PROJECT.  185 

for  rival  sheets ;  and  even  the  military  had  not  escaped 
the  distemper.  The  whole  Buzz-Saw  Division  had 
turned  job-printers,  and  every  stationer  and  bookseller 
in  town  was  printing  posters.  I  asked  the  Honest 
Jew,  how  much  the  average  profits  of  a  newspaper 
were  ;  and  he  answered  with  glowing  eyeballs,  that  a 
daily  newspaper  made  a  hundred  thousand  dollars 
every  three  days ;  and  that  it  was  his  intention  to  set 
two  running  at  once,  in  a  large  building  fronting  on 
two  streets — a  newspaper  at  each  end.  Both,  he  said, 
could  be  printed  from  the  same  form,  and  as  the  public 
would  never  read  either,  they  would  not  discover  the 
base  deception. 

"The  press  of  Madison ville  is  already  large,"  I  be 
gan  ;  "  its  papers,  in  fact,  are  more  numerous  than  its 
readers ;  and  if  we  are  to  establish  a  new  concern,  or 
seize  an  old  one,  we  must  advocate  some  principle  that 
nobody  believed,  or  ever  can  believe ;  so  that  ours  will 
be  the  exclusive  organ  of  that  Idea,  and  meet  with  no 
competition." 

"  Vat  brinciple  do  you  call  dat  ?  "  enquired  the  Is 
raelite. 

"  That,"  I  replied,  "  is  yet  to  be  evolved  from  the 
Mammoth  Brain  of  him  now  before  you ;  it  is  a  ques 
tion  of  intellect  that  I  alone  can  solve." 

"  I  have  him  !  "  said  the  Jew. 

"What  is  it?  "I  asked. 

"  No  brinciple !  "  he  replied,  with  a  look  of  triumph. 
"  Brinciple  be  tampt !  Bublish  a  baper  mit  no  brin 
ciple  at  all." 

But  the  great  Idea,  I  saw,  was  Consolidation.  I 
would  buy  or  seize  all  the  newspaper  establishments 


186  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

in  Madisonville ;  all  their  presses,  all  their  types.  I 
would  then  construct  a  building  of  gigantic  propor 
tions,  eighteen  stories  high  and  five  thousand  feet 
front  on  four  streets,  and  into  this  magnificent  temple 
of  art  should  be  put  all  the  materials  of  all  the  offices 
in  this  city  ;  and  my  great  mind  and  overshadowing 
genius  should  be  the  ruling  and  .guiding  spirit  of  the 
splendid  whole.  All  rival  factions  would  then  bow  to 
me,  and  all  give  me  their  patronage.  The  lion  should 
lie  down  with  the  lamb,  the  Confederate  with  the 
Yankee,  the  tiger  with  the  jackass,  the  elephant  with 
the  baboon,  and  the  greatest  man  of  the  age  should 
lead  them.  Filled  with  this  Idea,  even  as  my  insides 
were  filled  with  liquid  Rum,  I  arose  and  issued  the 
following : 

Ocaeral  Order  No.  9. 

HEADQTJAKTKKS, 
DEPARTMENT  OF  MADISONVILLE, 

Madisonville,  La.,  Oct.  1st,  1863. 

The  General  Commanding  announces  that  the  Army  of  Madison 
ville  is  hereby  dissolved.  The  men  have  fought  bravely  without 
pay,  and  I  should  consider  it  aaa  insult  to  their  pride  and  patriot 
ism  to  offer  them  money  in  this  late  stage  of  their  protracted  de 
privations  and  sufferings.  They  will,  therefore,  be  immediately 
mustered  out  of  the  service  without  further  compensation  than  the 
consciousness  of  having  done  their  duty,  and  of  having  served 
under  the  greatest  warrior  of  ancient  or  modern  times.  The 
money  which  would  have  been  paid  to  the  troops  under  different 
circumstances,  will  be  turned  over  to  the  Honest  Jew,  who  will 
disburse  the  same  in  accordance  with  verbal  instructions  from 
these  Headquarters.  Soldiers  of  the  Department  of  Madisonville ! 
your  swords  shall  be  beaten  into  printing  presses,  and  your  bay 
onets  into  ink-rollers ;  no  more  shall  you  grapple  with  bloody 
foes,  but  you  shall  stick  type  and  do  job  printing.  But,  under  all 
circumstances,  you  will  be  cheered  by  the  grateful  reflection  that 
your  General  will  retain  his  rank  and  pay,  whether  sweating 


MACPHERSON'S  EDITORIAL  PROGRAMME.          1ST 

blood  on  the  field  of  carnage,  or  swaying  the  destinies  of  the  hu 
man  race  with  the  editorial  pen. 

By  command  of  MAJOE  GENEEAL  JAMES  B.  MACPHEESON. 

THE  IDIOTIC  BOY,  Chief  of  Staff. 

Thus,  Consolidation  and  the  downfall  of  all  rivalry 
is  the  grand  Idea  that  now  possesses  me.  I  shall  ex 
change  the  gray  gory  garments  of  war  for  the  editorial 
robe,  and  shall  make  my  paper  the  organ  of  every  prin 
ciple  and  sentiment  known  to  mankind.  I  shall  take 
one  position  in  one  article  and  follow  it  immediately  by 
another,  taking  a  directly  opposite  view  ;  and  thus  will 
I  be  able  to  conciliate  all  conflicting  opinions  and  in 
terests.  Farewell  the  plumed  troop  and  the  big  wrars 
that  make  ambition  virtue !  Oh,  farewell  the  braying 
mule  and  the  shrill  trumpet,  the  ear-piercing  fife,  the 
Confederate  flag,  and  all  the  pride,  pomp,  and  circum 
stance  of  glorious  Avar — except  the  pay !  And  oh,  you 
mortal  Confederate  engines,  whose  rude  throats  the  im 
mortal  Jove's  dread  clamors  poorly  counterfeit,  Fare 
well  ! — Macpherson's  occupation's  changed ! 
Yoursvundeviatingly, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHERSO^. 


188  THE   MACPHEKSON   LETTEKS. 


CHAPTEK  XXIII. 

MACPHERSON,  DISGUSTED  WITH  THE  NEWSPAPER  BUSINESS,  RE 
SOLVES  TO  ACQUIRE  OFFICE  AND  CIVIL  RENOWN. — THE 
RESTORATION  OF  CIVIL  GOVERNMENT  IN  LOUISIANA. — MAC- 

PHERSON    IS    ELECTED    GOVERNOR   OF    THE    STATE,  ETC.,  ETC. 

NOTE. — The  pro-slavery  party  of  Louisiana,  hoping  to  retain  the 
"  divine  institution"  in  New  Orleans  and  other  parishes  where  it  was 
not  abolished  by  the  President's  Proclamation,  formed  a  scheme  to 
hold  an  election  on  the  second  day  of  November,  1863,  the  day  fixed  by 
the  old  Constitution,  for  a  Governor,  Congressmen,  State  officers,  and 
a  Legislature.  Of  course  there  could  have  been  no  legality  or  au 
thority  in  such  an  election,  since  it  had  not  been  called  by  the  Gov 
ernor,  or  countenanced  in  any  manner  by  the  military  authorities. 
The  State  officers  who  were  in  Louisiana  previous  to  the  outbreak 
of  the  rebellion,  had  deserted  their  posts  and  joined  the  Confed 
eracy  ;  and  the  only  government  in  Louisiana,  since  the  occupation 
of  New  Orleans  by  the  United  States  forces,  has  been  the  military 
government.  A  few  Copperheads — perhaps  twenty,  all  told — met 
secretly  in  Masonic  Hall,  and  nominated  candidates  for  the  different 
offices.  Their  proceedings  and  designs  were  kept  profoundly  secret, 
as  long  as  possible.  They  determined  that  on  the  Wednesday  pre 
ceding  the  election,  they  would  issue  a  call  for  a  mass-meeting,  to 
be  held  the  next  Saturday  evening,  to  ratify  their  nominations.  In 
other  words,  the  people  were  to  have  Jive  days'  notice  before  the 
election.  The  matter  "leaked  out,"  however,  a  little  sooner  than 
the  conspirators  intended  to  have  it.  But  on  the  Wednesday  pre 
ceding  the  day  fixed  for  the  election,  the  Masonic  Hall  clique  issued 
an  "  Address  to  the  People  of  Louisiana,"  calling  upon  them  to  con 
vene  at  the  usual  places  of  voting,  the  next  Monday,  and  elect  civil 
officers,  and  assuring  them  there  was  "  nothing  to  prevent"  it ;  that 
the  military  would  riot  interfere,  and  that  this  course  would  meet  the 
approval  of  the  national  government.  "  On  the  second  of  November, 
then,"  said  the  address,  "  go  to  the  polls  and  cast  your  votes  as  usual ; 
your  chosen  Congressmen  will  take  their  seats  on  the  first  Monday  of 
December ;  your  chosen  Legislators  will  meet  on  the  third  Monday 
of  January  and  organise ;  your  State  officers  will  on  the  same  day  be 


MACPHERSON   IN   THE   NEWSPAPER,   BUSINESS.         189 

inaugurated,  and  thus  the  wheels  of  civil  government  will  be  once 
more  set  in  motion  in  our  State,  and  we  trust  prosperously  and  for 
the  benefit  of  mankind.  Fail  to  make  this  little  effort,  and  your  last 
opportunity  for  renewing  Civil  State  Government,  in  accordance 
with  legal  provisions,  will  fruitlessly  pass,  with  the  probable  de 
struction  of  Republican  Institutions.  *  *  * 

"  Let  us  arise,  then,  and  go  forth  and  perform  the  imperative  and 
sacred  duty  of  electing  the  officers  of  a  Civil  Government  in  Louisi 
ana,  on  Monday,  the  second  day  of  November,  the  time  appointed  by 
our  laws  ;  and  if  we  fail,  it  may  be  the  last  time  we  will  have  the 
power  of  acting  as  freemen." 

The  purpose  of  this  movement,  it  was  well  understood,  was  to  re 
store  the  infamous  Black  Code  of  Louisiana — a  code  most  barbarous 
in  its  provisions — and  to  re-establish  slavery  on  its  former  founda 
tions.  But  the  scheme,  as  soon  as  it  was  exposed,  subjected  its 
authors  to  such  ridicule  and  contempt,  that  they  "backed  out"  of  it, 
and  published  an  announcement  that  the  election  would  not  be  held, 
since  it  was  feared  that  the  people  would  not  vote !  But  the  end  it 
seems  was  not  yet ;  for  the  gentlemen  who  were  nominated  by  Masonic 
Hall,  had  the  assurance  to  claim  that  they  were  entitled  to  exercise 
the  offices  for  which  they  were  named,  on  the  ground  that  had  the 
election  been  held,  they  would  have  received  a  majority  of  the  votes ! 
Nearly  all  the  men  nominated  by  Masonic  Hall  for  State  officers 
were  residents  of  New  Orleans.  Some  of  them  were  notorious  for 
their  rebel  proclivities ;  some  had  signed  or  voted  for  the  Ordinance 
of  Secession,  in  the  Convention  of  1861. 

MADISONYTLLE,  LA., 

October  30th,  1863. 

SIR  : — As  the  Devil,  after  the  great  secession  move 
ment  described  by  Milton,  was  hurled  headlong  flam 
ing  from  the  ethereal  sky,  with  hideous  ruin  and  com 
bustion,  down  to  bottomless  perdition,  there  to  dwell 
in  adamantine  chains  and  penal  fire,  so  had  I  been 
pitched  heels  over  head  from  the  lofty  position  I  once 
occupied,  and  was  nowhere.  The  few  days'  experience 
I  had  in  the  newspaper  business  came  near  worrying 
the  life  out  of  me.  Every  five  minutes  during  the 
night,  my  door-bell  would  ring  furiously,  and  some 
new  candidate  for  newspaperial  fame  and  wealth  would 


190  THE   MACPHEESOST   LETTERS. 

present  himself,  with  propositions  to  buy  me  out  at 
half  price  or  to  steal  the  concern  outright,  until  finally 
in  disgust  I  told  the  Honest  Jew  to  take  the  whole  con 
cern  and  go  to  the  devil  with  it,  or  anywhere  else,  pro 
vided  he  would  give  me  an  hour's  sleep. 

Having  disbanded  the  army  of  Madisonville,  and  the 
Buzz-Saw  Division  having  all  turned  job  printers,  I 
have  felt  my  powers  sensibly  decline.  I  turned  my  at 
tention  to  philosophy,  which  is  a  good  thing  in  its  way ; 
but  even  Socrates  was  as  poor  as  a  Confederate  pack- 
horse,  and  was  abused  for  it  by  his  wife.  In  short,  phi 
losophy  don't  pay  bills.  Therefore,  having  lost  military 
power,  I  determined  to  acquire  enough  civil  grandeur 
to  make  up  for  it ;  and  I  planned  a  grand  scheme  for 
inaugurating  civil  government  in  Louisiana.  Secresy 
was  very  important,  since  the  plot  was  one  so  wise  that 
the  lubberly-headed  masses  of  the  people  could  never 
comprehend  or  appreciate  it.  Therefore,  I  called  a 
meeting  of  the  faithful  in  the  attic  of  my  dilapidated 
hospitable  abode,  to  lay  before  them  the  splendid  con 
ception  that  had  sprung  from  my  Mammoth  Brain. 
The  better  to  ensure  secresy,  a  grip  and  pass-word  were 
adopted.  The  grip  consisted  of  a  grab  at  the  nasal  or 
gan,  and  the  pass-word  was :  "  Treasury."  The  fol 
lowing  distinguished  statesmen  were  present : 

James  Buchanan  Macpherson,  the  Confederate  Phi 
losopher  and  Southern  Blower ;  his  son,  and  Chief  of 
Staff,  the  Idiotic  Boy ;  his  Quartermaster,  the  Honest 
Jew ;  his  Commissary,  the  Unhappy  Cuss ;  his  Chief 
of  Cavalry,  the  Solitary  Horseman  ;  his  Chief  of  Artil 
lery,  the  Inconsolable  Thug  ;  his  Chief  of  Signal  Corps, 
the  Southern  Source ;  his  Judge  Advocate,  the  Weep- 


INAUGURATING   CIVIL    GOVEENMENT.  191 

ing  Orphan ;  his  Aids-de-Camp,  the  Macedonian,  the 
Reliable  Gentleman,  and  the  Cussed  Fool  of  Carondelet- 
street.  * 

It  was  a  touching  sight,  and  one  calculated  to  bring 
tears  to  the  eyes  of  an  alligator,  to  look  upon  this  as 
sembly  of  fallen  greatness.  Every  man  of  them  had 
enjoyed  a  fat  office  under  me  in  the  days  of  my  martial 
glory ;  but  now  they  looked  like  a  set  of  darned  loafers, 
with  lank  jaws  and  seedy  breeches.  They  reminded 
me  of  the  congregation  of  registered  enemies  that  Satan 
got  around  him  in  the  infernal  regions,  after  his  repulse 
by  the  heavenly  army.  I  arose  and  addressed  them 
as  follows : 

Macpherson1  s  Address. 

"  Fellow-citizens  of  Louisiana  !  "We  address  you  as 
loyal  to  the  Government."  [A  voice :  "  Which  Govern 
ment  ?"]  Macpherson :  "  None  of  your  d — d  business, 
you  hounds !  Wait  till  my  scheme  is  put  into  execu 
tion,  and  then  learn  what  it  is  by  the  results.  As  loyal 
citizens  you  have  duties  to  perform  to  me  and  your 
selves,  your  State  and  country.  We  are  in  danger,  and 
immediate  action  is  required.  The  fact  is,  you  are  like 
me  in  one  respect — you  all  want  office ;  and  the  want 
of  civil  government  in  our  State  can,  by  a  proper  effort 
on  your  part,  soon  be  supplied,  under  laws  and  a  Con 
stitution  formed  and  adopted  by  yourselves,  in  a  time 
of  profound  peace.  It  is  made  your  duty  as  well  as 
your  right,  to  meet  at  the  usual  places,  and  cast  your 
votes  for  me  as  Governor,  and  for  yourselves  to  fill  the 
best  offices  in  the  State.  Heretofore  in  our  history  the 
direction  of  these  elections  has  been  had  by  legal 


192  THE   MACPHEKSON   LETTERS. 

agents  ;  but  the  legal  agents  now  have  no  authority  of 
any  sort,  and,  therefore,  we  will  take  charge  of  the 
whole  business  ourselves.  We  held  a  State  election  in 
1861,  and  nothing  has  since  happened  that  amounts  to 
any  thing.  We  promise  you  that  the  military  will  not 
interfere,  there  being  none  in  this  part  of  the  country  ; 
and  we  think  we  can  assure  you  that  your  action  in 
this  respect  will  meet  the  approval  of  the  National  Gov 
ernment."  [A  voice  :  "  Which  National  Government  ?"] 
Macpherson :  "  Dry  up,  you  vagabond  !  We  urge  upon 
you  action  in  this  important  crisis.  It  will  convince 
the  world  of  our  wish  and  determination  to  manage  the 
offices  of  the  State  and  the  public  revenue  in  the  man 
ner  most  satisfactory  to  ourselves  ;  it  will  encourage  all 
desirous  of  making  a  splurge  in  other  States,  and  will 
have  a  tendency  to  cause  the  soldiers  to  throw  down 
their  arms,  and  give  us  our  own  way,  overawed  by  the 
civil  grandeur  that  will  surround  us.  Go  to  the  polls 
then  !  Your  Governor  will  assume  his  constitutional 
functions,  and  the  Legislature  will  convene  in  Madi 
sonville  forthwith ;  your  Congressmen  will  take  their 
seats  as  soon  as  they  can  find  them."  [A  voice  :  "  In 
Washington  or  in  Richmond  ?"] 

Macpherson :  "  Silence,  you  low-lived  scoundrel ! 
It  is  our  intention  to  assume  our  old  status,  in  order 
that  we  can  clear  the  State  of  Yankee  office-holders, 
and  whip  our  niggers  under  our  own  vine  and  fig-tree, 
with  none  to  molest  or  to  make  us  afraid.  Let  us 
arise,  then,  and  go  forth  and  perform  the  imperative 
and  sacred  duty  of  electing  ourselves  to  office ;  and  if 
we  fail,  it  may  be  the  last  time  we  shall  have  the 
power  of  acting  as  freemen — that  is,  thrashing  the 


PARCELLING  OUT  THE  CANDIDATES.        193 

niggers  and  spending  the  public  fund  according  to  our 
own  discretion ! " 

At  the  conclusion  of  this  able  and  patriotic  address, 
a  burst  of  applause  greeted  me  like  the  roar  of  battle. 

The  Southern  Source  then  arose,  and  stated  that  he 
had  just  had  an  interview  with  Jeff.  Davis,  and  had 
been  assured  of  his  approval  and  support.  The  Em 
peror  of  France  had  also  promised  a  land  and  naval 
force  to  co-operate  with  the  new  governor.  [Applause.] 

The  Idiotic  Boy  was  loudly  called  for,  but  declined 
to  speak,  as  he  was  about  to  be  a  candidate  for  the 
suffrages  of  his  fellow-citizens  for  one  of  the  highest 
offices  in  their  gift.  Modesty,  he  said,  prevented  him 
addressing  the  audience ;  but  he  nevertheless  went  on 
and  spoke  two  columns,  saying  that  the  facts  of  seces 
sion  and  rebellion  had  changed  nothing,  except  to  turn 
the  offices  over  to  the  present  company,  which  he  be 
lieved  to  be  a  good  thing.  In  conclusion,  he  expressed 
the  hope  that  the  advertising  and  job  work  necessary 
to  be  done,  would  be  given  to  the  paper  with  which  it 
was  well  known  he  was  connected.  [Hisses  by  the 
Honest  Jew  and  other  publishers.]  I  interfered,  say 
ing,  that  the  newspaper  business  had  played  out,  and 
had  nothing  to  do  with  political  questions. 

The  Honest  Jew  said :  "  Pefore  I  gives  mine  subbort 
of  der  measure,  I  vish  to  know  if  I  be  made  Dreasurer. 
You  makes  me  Dreasurer,  I  zteals  the  bublic  funds 
and  tivides  mit  you  vun  half  the  brofit !"  [Applause, 
and  the  nomination  of  the  Honest  Jew  as  State  Treas 
urer  by  acclamation.] 

The  meeting  then  proceeded  to  nominate  candidates, 
when  the  following  ticket  was  agreed  to : 

9 


194:  THE  MACPHEESON   LETTERS. 

STATE  ELECTION. 

For  Governor: 
JAMES  BUCHANAN  MACPHERSON, 

Of  Madisonville. 
For  Lieutenant  Governor : 
THE  IDIOTIC  BOY, 

Of  Madisonville. 

For   Secretary  of  State  : 
THE  UNHAPPY  Cuss, 

Of  Madisonville. 

For  State  Treasurer : 
THE  HONEST  JEW, 

Of  Madisonville. 

For  Auditor : 
THE  RELIABLE  GENTLEMAN, 

Of  Madisonville. 

For  Attorney  General : 
THE  WEEPING  ORPHAN, 

Of  Madisonville. 

For  Superintendent  of  Public  Education  : 
THE  SOUTHERN  SOURCE, 

Of  Madisonville. 

For  Congress — Madisonville  District : 
THE  CUSSED  FOOL, 

Of  Madisonville. 

For  Congress — State  at  Large  : 
THE  SOLITARY  HORSEMAN, 

Of  Madisonville. 

It  was  suggested  that  Madisonville  was  not  properly 
represented  on  the  ticket.    We  had  the  ballots  printed 


GRAND   RATIFICATION   MEETING.  195 

immediately,  and  to  each  one  was  attached  the  fol 
lowing  : 

NOTICE. — Gentlemen  wishing  to  become  members  of  the  State 
Senate  and  Legislature,  can  be  accommodated  by  paying  their 
initiation  fee  and  becoming  members  of  the  patriotic  association 
that  manufactured  the  above  ticket.  As  soon  as  the  party  is  large 
enough,  a  candidate  will  be  named  for  each  district  in  the  State. 

J.  B.  M.,  Governor 

Grand  Ratification  Meeting. 

It  was  voted  unanimously  that  time  was  of  great 
consequence,  and  that  the  sooner  we  were  elected  the 
surer  we  would  be  of  our  offices.  Wishing,  however, 
to  give  the  lubberly-headed  people  a  fair  show,  we  called 
a  grand  Ratification  Meeting,  to  be  held  at  Merritt's 
Hotel,  in  Madisonville,  the  next  morning  at  five  o'clock. 

The  sun  was  not  up  when  the  assembly  convened, 
but  that  made  no  difference.  On  motion,  James  B. 
Macpherson,  of  Madisonville,  was  chosen  President ;  and 
the  Idiotic  Boy,  of  Madisonville,  was  appointed  Secre 
tary.  A  list  of  Yice-Presidents  was  then  appointed  as 
follows :  The  Unhappy  Cuss,  of  Madisonville ;  the 
Honest  Jew,  of  Madisonville ;  the  Reliable  Gentleman, 
of  Madisonville ;  the  Weeping  Orphan,  of  Madisonville ; 
the  Southern  Source,  of  Madisonville ;  the  Cussed  Fool, 
of  Madisonville;  the  Solitary  Horseman,  of  Madi 
sonville. 

The  audience  consisted  of  the  Inconsolable  Thug,  of 
Madisonville,  the  bar-keeper  of  Merritt's  Madisonville 
Hotel  (drunk),  and  three  niggers  of  Madisonville,  sleep 
ing  on  the  sidewalk. 

"  Fellow-citizens  of  Louisiana !"  I  said,  "  I  am  thank- 


196  THE   MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

ful  for  the  honor  conferred  upon  me,  in  being  called  to 
preside  over  the  deliberations  of  this  great  assembly. 
I  am  happy  to  greet  my  fellow-citizens  of  Louisiana 
upon  this  auspicious  occasion.  [Three  cheers  by  the 
Inconsolable  Thug,  who  knocked  down  the  barkeeper, 
by  way  of  a  '  tiger.']  Our  principles  are  well  known. 
We  go  for  restoring  the  State  as  it  was  before  the  Yan 
kee  brutes  came  down  here  and  took  New  Orleans ;  and 
we  believe  that  the  offices  of  a  State  belong  to  the 
great  men  of  the  State.  If  elected  to  the  office  of  Gov 
ernor  by  the  suffrages  of  the  people,  I  shall  perform  the 
duties  of  the  office  in  a  manner  perfectly  satisfactory 
to  myself."  [Applause  on  the  platform.] 

The  Idiotic  Boy  suggested  that  the  ticket  had  been 
enthusiastically  endorsed  by  the  people  of  Louisiana, 
and  that  the  election  ought  to  come  off  at  six  o'clock  the 
same  morning.  We  therefore  adjourned  to  the  usual 
places  of  holding  elections,  and  in  fifteen  minutes  there 
after  the  polls  closed.  The  result  was  proclaimed 
in  a  loud  tone  of  voice,  and  it  was  found  that  every 
candidate  nominated  in  the  attic  had  been  elected  with 
out  opposition. 

The  only  disturbance  at  the  polls  was  occasioned  by 
the  Inconsolable  Thug,  who  rolled  up  his  coat  and 
pulled  off  his  sleeves,  and  fought  the  barkeeper  and 
the  niggers  for  the  drinks. 

At  seven  o'clock  A.  M.  of  the  same  day,  I  was  solemnly 
inaugurated  Governor  of  the  State  of  Louisiana.  The 
ceremonies  were  performed  at  Merritt's  Hotel,  Madi- 
sonville.  A  high  stool  was  arranged  in  front  of  the 
bar,  with  a  decanter  and  glass  within  reach ;  and  on 
this  stool  I  took  my  seat,  looking  as  wise  as  though  I 


MACPHEESON  AS  GOVEENOE.  197 

had  had  my  head  soaked  in  sage  tea  for  four  months ; 
while  on  my  left  was  the  Lieutenant-Governor  elect  and 
the  other  State  dignitaries.  The  oath  was  administered 
by  the  barkeeper,  after  which  I  delivered  the  following 
Inaugural  Address : 

"  Fellow-citizens  of  Louisiana !  It  is  customary  on 
occasions  of  the  solemn  inauguration  of  the  Chief 
Magistrate  of  the  State,  that  his  predecessor  should  be 
present.  But  in  the  present  instance  I  am  authorised 
to  say  that  it  is  not  convenient  for  Governor  Moore  to 
attend.  I  beg  leave  to  say  that  I  shall  pursue  the 
same  policy  that  he  did,  and  I  sincerely  pray  that  my 
gubernatorial  career  may  be  crowned  with  results  no 
less  brilliant  than  those  he  realised." 

Amid  the  plaudits  of  the  crowd,  I  was  then  escorted 
to  the  D.  H.  Abode,  now  become  the  Executive  Man 
sion,  amid  salvos  of  artillery  from  a  hundred-pound 
wooden  howitzer.  I  rode  on  a  triumphal  horse-car 
decorated  with  old  newspapers  and  drawn  by  eight 
jackasses.  The  officers  of  State  having  been  sworn  in, 
I  issued  the  following : 

PROCLAMATION 

TO  THE  PEOPLE  OF  LOUISIANA. 

I,  James  Buchanan  Macpherson,  having  been  unanimously 
elected  Governor  of  the  State  of  Louisiana,  hereby  issue  this  my 
Proclamation,  and  decree  as  follows : 

1.  That  the  State  House  at  Baton  Eouge  having  been  burned 
down,  the  seat  of  Government  is  removed  to  Madisonville,  where 
the  Legislature  wih1  convene  at  one  o'clock  this  afternoon. 

2.  The  salaries  of  all  public  officers  are  hereby  doubled,  and  a 
year's  salary  shall  be  drawn  in  advance. 

3.  The  public  debt  having  increased  beyond  the  capacity  of  the 


198  THE  MACPHERSON   LETTERS. 

treasury,  the  same  is  hereby  cancelled,  and  the  State  Treasurer 
will  rub  out  and  begin  anew. 

4.  The  Confederate  Arithmetic  is  hereby  designated  as  the  offi 
cial  mathematical  system,  and  the  Superintendent  of  Education 
will  see  that  none  other  is  taught. 

5.  Civil  government  having  now  been  firmly  established  in  the 
whole  of  Louisiana,  the  United  States  army  is  directed  to  pack  up 
and  leave  by  the  next  steamer  for  the  North ;  and  every  damned 
Yankee  found  in  the  State  after  the  second  day  of  November,  will 
be  hung  to  a  lamp-post. 

In  witness  whereof,  I  have  hereunto  set  the  seal  of  the  State 
of  Louisiana,  on  the  twenty-eighth  day  of  October,  Anno 
Domini  one  thousand  eight  hundred  and  sixty-three,  and  of 
the  Southern  Confederacy,  three. 

By  the  Governor. 

THE  UNHAPPY  Cuss,  Secretary  of  State. 

I  will  now  conclude  my  epistle,  expressing  the  hope 
that  the  life  of  the  undersigned  may  be  prolonged  to 
an  unnatural  extent,  and  that  he  may  be  re-elected  at 
the  expiration  of  his  present  term. 

Yours,  Gubernatorially, 

JAMES  BUCHANAN  MACPHERSON. 


EEBELS  WAGING-  OFFICE   UOTXER  MACPHEBSON.    199 


CHAPTEE  XXIY. 

THE  GOVERNOR  is  BESIEGED  BY  OFFICE-SEEKERS. — THE  INGE 
NIOUS  METHOD  BY  WHICH  HE  DISPERSED  THE  MOB. — THE 
TRUE  SOUTHERN  PATRIOT,  AND  WHY  HE  WOULD  NOT  ACCEPT 
OFFICE. — THE  IDIOTIC  BOY  CHASTISED. — THE  GOVERNOR 
MAKES  A  PILGRIMAGE  TO  RICHMOND. — THE  FULL  AND  AU 
THENTIC  HISTORY  OF  THE  CONGRESSIONAL  CAREER  OF  THE 
CUSSED  FOOL  AND  THE  SOLITARY  HORSEMAN,  ETC.,  ETC. 

EXECUTIVE  MANSION, 
MADISONVILLE,  LA., 

Dec.  31st,  1863. 

SIR  : — Since  my  elevation  to  the  lofty  position  of 
Governor  of  Louisiana,  every  Confederate  within  five 
thousand  miles  of  Madisonville  has  applied  to  me  for 
an  office.  I  was  delighted  beyond  measure  to  see  the 
amount  of  patriotism  which  these  faithful  sons  of  chiv 
alry  possessed.  Every  one  of  them,  I  found,  had  first 
raised  the  Confederate  flag  in  New  Orleans,  and  had 
been  last  to  pull  it  down  when  the  infernal  Yankees 
took  possession  of  that  impregnable  city.  Every  one 
of  them  had  suffered  tenfold  persecution,  and  the  ago 
nies  of  purgatorial  punishment  for  the  holy  cause  of 
Southern  rights ;  and  there  was  not  one  who  did  not 
declare  that  his  soul  would  swell  with  gratitude,  if  I 
would  point  out  to  him  a  method  in  which  he  might 
immediately  spend  the  remnants  of  his  fortune  and 
pour  out  his  heart's  blood  for  the  sacred  Confed 
eracy. 


200  THE  MACPHEKSON   LETTERS. 


How  the  Governor  got  rid  of  ''em. 

"  Sweet  Confederate  patriots !"  I  said,  addressing 
them  from  the  roof  of  the  house ;  "  you  all  want  office. 
I  sympathise  with  your  honorable  ambition,  and  I  will 
give  every  one  of  you  a  position  [loud  shouts  of 
applause  on  all  sides]  on  certain  terms.  [Many  voices : 
'  Give  us  the  terms,  Governor !'  and,  4  We  accept.'] 
Don't  be  in  a  hurry  about  accepting,  you  hounds !  un 
til  you  hear  the  conditions.  You  are  all  anxious  to 
serve  the  Confederacy  in  the  most  effectual  manner. 
[Cries  of  c  yes,'  *  that's  so,'  et  cetera.]  You  would 
willingly  lay  down  your  lives,  your  fortunes,  and  your 
sacred  honor  on  the  glorious  altar  of  Southern  Inde 
pendence.  [Loud  cries  of  *  yes,'  and  '  bully  for  the 
Gov. !']  Well,  sweet  ones !  you  shall  be  accommo 
dated.  [Cheers  and  shouts  for  fifteen  minutes.] 
Every  one  of  you  shall  have  a  posish  under  my  admin 
istration,  if  you  will  enlist  in  the  Confederate  army  for 
three  years  or  during  the  war,  unless  sooner  dis 
charged  !" 

A  hum  of  voices  was  heard  on  all  sides,  like  that 
described  by  Homer,  when  the  Greeks  issued  from 
their  black  ships  to  pounce  upon  Priam.  It  grew 
fainter  and  fainter,  until  it  fell  upon  the  ear  like  strains 
of  distant  music,  and  then  it  died  out  altogether.  On 
looking  about  me,  I  discovered  that  the  vast  assembly 
of  patriots  had  disappeared.  Every  mother's  son  of 
'em  had  skedaddled ;  not  one  has  since  asked  for  an 
office  or  shown  his  head  in  Madisonville. 


IDIOTIC    BOY    CRITICISING-    THE   LETTERS.  201 


The  True  Southern  Patriot. 

I  then  made  the  acquaintance  of  the  True  Southern 
Patriot ;  the  man  who  didn't  want  office.  He  was  a 
man  of  meek  manners,  and  said  he  only  came  to  assure 
me  of  his  supreme  admiration  of  my  great  abilities, 
and  that  he  was  mine  respectfully  until  death  should 
us  part.  I  asked  him  if  he  would  like  to  go  to  Con 
gress,  whereupon  he  seemed  stricken  with  horror. 
"  !N"o,"  he  replied,  "  the  time  of  my  political  ambition 
has  passed ;  nothing  on  earth  would  induce  me  to 
accept  an  office." 

On  questioning  him,  I  found  that  he  already  held 
four  offices  under  the  Confederate  Government ;  and 
to  this  fact  I  attributed  his  reluctance  to  take  a  posish. 

The  Idiotic  Boy  chastised. 

I  have  prepared  my  letters  to  THE  ERA  for  publica 
tion  in  book  form,  and  the  manuscript  has  already 
gone  on  to  the  publisher  in  New  York.  It  will  be  the 
greatest  work  that  ever  emanated  from  the  human  in 
tellect,  and  as  a  history  of  Confederate  Glory  will 
equal  in  truthfulness  the  story  of  Sinbad  the  Sailor.  I 
gathered  all  the  letters  together  in  a  big  pile,  and 
taking  up  a  pair  of  scissors,  remarked  to  the  Idiotic 
Boy  that  I  should  cut  from  them  every  part  not  worth 
printing. 

"  If  you  do  that,"  replied  the  Imbecile  Youth. 
"  your  book  will  not  make  two  pages." 

I  flogged  him  like  Satan  for  that  speech.     But  when 


202  THE   MAOPHEESON   LETTERS. 

I  came  to  look  over  the  letters,  I  found  lie  was  alto 
gether  too  near  the  truth,  and  for  this  I  flogged  him 
again  within  an  inch  of  his  life. 


The  Governor's  Pilgrimage  to  Richmond. 

As  the  faithful  Mohammedans  make  a  pilgrimage 
to  Mecca  for  the  good  of  the  soul,  so  did  I  start  for 
Richmond  in  the  search  of  political  power.  It  will  be 
remembered  by  the  readers  of  my  former  able  produc 
tion,  that  at  the  time  I  was  elected  Governor  of  Loui 
siana,  a  whole  set  of  State  officers  Was  chosen,  and  that 
the  Cussed  Fool  and  the  Solitary  Horseman  were 
elected  as  representatives  in  Congress.  The  election 
was  held  in  Madison ville  before  daylight,  on  the  morn 
ing  of  October  28th,  1863,  and  the  barkeeper  of  Mer- 
ritt's  Hotel  administered  the  oath  of  office.  It  may 
seem  strange  that  the  Chief  Magistrate  of  a  great  State 
should  be  hard  up ;  but  such,  nevertheless,  was  the 
case  :  for  the  Treasurer,  the  Honest  Jew,  stole  all  the 
money,  and  ran  away.  I  therefore  called  a  council  of 
State,  and  addressed  them  as  follows : 

"  Brother  dignitaries  of  the  Commonwealth  of  Loui 
siana  !  called,  as  all  of  us  were,  by  the  unanimous  suf 
frages  and  sufferings  of  our  fellow-citizens,  to  uphold 
the  dignity  and  power  of  the  State,  and  to  dispose  of 
the  public  revenue  according  to  the  dictates  of  our  own 
consciences,  it  becomes  our  duty  to  stand  by  the  ship 
of  State  in  adversity  as  well  as  in  prosperity.  Honest 
poverty  has  been  held  as  a  mark  of  honor  by  the  wisest 
sages  of  antiquity  ;  and  if  it  be  in  truth  an  honor,  then 
are  we  entitled  to  the  highest  respect,  for  there  isn't  a 


NOVEL  EXPEDIENT  TO  GET  MONET.        203 

red  in  the  treasury,  and  it  becomes  our  duty  to  raise  the 
wind.  Happily,  an  honorable  way  is  open  for  the  ac 
complishment  of  this  most  desirable  object.  I  have 
therefore  to  propose  that  the  Cussed  Fool  and  the  Sol 
itary  Horseman  shall  go  to  Richmond  to  get  seats  in 
Congress,  if  possible.  But  for  fear  they  may  not  suc 
ceed,  I  will  go  with  them,  and  we  will  collect  mileage 
from  the  Sergeant-at-arms,  before  their  claim  is  passed 
upon  by  the  House.  This  will  yield  a  very  handsome 
sum,  and  we  will  divide  it  equally  among  the  various 
officers  of  the  State." 

This  proposition  was  received  with  loud  shouts  of  ap 
proval  ;  and  accompanied  by  the  two  members  of  Con 
gress  and  the  Idiotic  Boy  (Lieutenant  Governor),  we  set 
out  for  the  great  Confederate  capital.  I  journeyed  over 
hills  and  mountains  and  through  valleys,  until  I  ar 
rived  in  a  big  swamp,  which,  I  was  told,  was  formerly 
known  as  the  Chickahominy  Bottoms,  but  is  now  called 
Strategy  Swamp,  because  a  whole  army  got  swamped 
while  practising  strategy  in  those  gloomy  regions.  I 
sank  to  my  middle  every  time  I  stepped ;  and  the  Idi 
otic  Boy  informed  me  that  it  only  required  a  siege  of 
the  malarious  fever  to  ruin  my  constitution  and  com 
plete  my  military  education. 

I  then  debouched  from  the  woods,  and,  lo  and  be 
hold  !  the  city  of  Jeff.  Davis  loomed  upon  my  vision. 
"  O  great  Confederate  Jerusalem  !"  I  exclaimed,  "  as  all 
the  Honest  Jews  shall  some  day  be  gathered  together  in 
Palestine,  so  shall  all  the  Confederates  soon  swarm  with 
in  thy  gates,  when  Meade,  Grant,  and  Gilmore  im 
piously  crowd  them  up  in  one  place.  And  as  the  foot 
print  of  Mohammed  is  preserved  in  a  sacred  temple,  so 


204:  THE   MACPHEKSON   LETTEKS. 

shall  the  mark  of  mj  Confederate  shoes  form  a  shrine 
for  future  generations  ?" 

We  then  advanced  to  the  city  by  the  right  flank,  and 
I  immediately  visited  the  Executive  Mansion,  and  had 
an  interview  with  Jeff.  Davis.  Jeff,  was  glad  to  see 
me,  but  said  he  had  been  a  little  more  near-sighted  than 
usual  since  Chickamauga.  I  told  him  we  came  as  rep 
resentatives  of  a  great  principle. 

"  What  principle  is  that «"  asked  Jeff. 

"  Mileage,"  I  answered. 

He  said  he  hoped  we  would  succeed,  and  that  the 
best  plan  would  be  to  get  the  Clerk  of  the  House 
drunk,  and  hire  him  to  place  the  names  of  the  two 
Congressmen  on  the  roll  before  any  objection  was 
raised ;  and  then  to  apply  immediately  to  the  Sergeant- 
at-arms  for  mileage. 

It  is  a  melancholy  fact  that  the  human  mind  is  so 
constituted,  in  some  instances,  that  it  is  open  to  the 
voice  of  duty  and  justice  only  after  it  has  received  the 
inducement  of  a  liberal  fee.  And  it  is  providential, 
perhaps,  that  the  Louisiana  Delegation  had  no  money ; 
otherwise  we  might  have  been  tempted  to  try  to  bribe 
the  Clerk.  But  we  found  this  unnecessary.  The  Clerk 
was  anxious  to  be  re-elected,  and  in  order  to  accomplish 
this  he  determined  not  to  enroll  the  names  of  any  but 
those  who  would  vote  for  him,  and  a  promise  to  vote 
for  him  was  all  that  was  needed  to  secure  a  place  on 
the  roll  of  members. 

The  great  and  momentous  day  at  last  arrived  for 
Congress  to  assemble.  The  Louisiana  Delegation 
looked  pale  and  haggard,  but  I  told  them  I  would  stand 
by  them  until  they  got  their  mileage.  We  approached 


the  Sergeant-at-arms,  where,  in  accordance  with  in 
structions,  the  Cussed  Fool  and  the  Solitary  Horseman 
fell  prostrate  before  that  official  dignitary,  and  in  tears 
and  lamentations  sufficient  to  move  a  house,  implored 
him  to  pay  them  their  mileage.  The  Sergeant-at-arms 
replied  that  he  didn't  see  it,  and  I  haven't  seen  it  yet 
myself. 

The  Louisiana  Delegation  then  arose  to  its  feet,  and 
we  all  went  into  the  House  of  Representatives  together, 
w^hen  the  following  proceedings  occurred  : 

Mr.  STEVENS  said :  I  ask  to  have  the  credentials  of 
the  persons  claiming  to  be  representatives  from  Louisi 
ana  read. 

CLERK  gust  drunk  enough  to  be  funny). — The  Clerk 
will  gratify  the  curiosity  of  the  gentleman.  [Laughter 
by  the  Idiotic  Boy,  the  Louisiana  Delegation,  and  me.] 

Now  came  the  greatest  triumph  of  my  life  ;  for  the 
Clerk  proceeded  to  read,  in  a  clear  and  distinct  tone  of 
voice,  the  credentials  which  I  had  prepared  by  four 
weeks'  labor,  and  a  careful  study  of  Webster's  Diction 
ary  and  the  Black  Code  of  Louisiana  : 

CREDENTIALS. 

I,  James  Buchanan  Macpherson,  Governor  of  the  State  of  Lou 
isiana,  duly  and  legally  elected  by  the  voters  of  said  State,  in  pur 
suance  of  my  twenty- second  letter  to  the  EKA,  and  the  Constitu 
tion  and  laws,  and  inaugurated  by  taking  the  oath  administered 
by  the  barkeeper  of  Merritt's  Hotel,  do  certify  that  at  an  election 
begun  and  held  in  Madisonville,  before  daylight,  on  the  morning  of 
the  twenty-eighth  day  of  October,  1863,  in  accordance  with  Masonic 
Hall,  for  the  purpose  of  electing  Representatives  from  said  State 
and  raising  the  wind,  the  following  named  persons  were  regularly 
elected  to  represent  said  State  in  said  Congress  for  the  term  of 
two  years  from  the  fourth  day  of  March,  1863,  namely  : 


206  THE  MACPHERSON  LETTERS. 

The  Cussed  Fool. 

The  Solitary  Horseman. 

All  of  whom  were  regularly  elected  in  accordance  with  the 
Constitution  and  Laws  of  said  State  of  Louisiana,  as  by  me  con 
strued  and  interpreted. 

In  testimony  whereof,  I,  James  Buchanan  Macpherson,  Author 
of  the  Confederate  Arithmetic,  Traveller  through  the  Louisiana 
Lowlands  Low,  Clergyman,  Poet,  Philosopher,  Plato  of  the  Con 
federacy,  Warrior,  great  Southern  Blower,  and  Governor,  elected 
as  aforesaid,  do  hereby  commission  said  persons,  so  elected  as 
aforesaid  and  duly  sworn,  to  represent  said  State  in  the  said  Con 
federate  Congress,  on  condition  that  they  shall  pay  my  hotel  bills 
as  long  as  1  remain  in  Richmond^  and  divide  their  mileage  with 
me  honorably  and  justly ;  and  I  do  hereby  give  these  credentials 
in  evidence  of  their  fair  and  square  election ;  and  I  do  hereby  af 
fix  my  private  seal  of  office,  my  predecessor  and  friend,  Moore, 
having  carried  off  the  great  seal,  and  having  had  no  opportunity  to 
send  it  back,  in  consequence  of  General  Banks  chasing  him  like 
the  devil  last  spring,  from  which  he  has  never  recovered ;  and 
my  said  private  seal  I  have  hereunto  affixed  this  twentieth  day  of 
November,  in  the  third  year  of  Jeff.  Davis,  and  the  year  of  our 
Lord,  1803. 
i  —*—  )  JAMES  BUCHANAN  MACPHERSON, 

J     r        q       f_ 

I  _X~  f  Governor  of  the  State  of  Louisiana. 

My  private  seal,  which.  I  affixed  to  the  above  docu 
ment,  is  the  picture  of  a  jackass  grabbing  at  a  crib  be 
yond  his  reach. 

Stevens  moved  to  strike  the  name  of  the  Cussed  Fool 
and  the  Solitary  Horseman  from  the  roll  of  members ; 
but  was  induced  to  withdraw  it,  and  we  proceeded  to 
the  election  of  a  speaker.  The  Louisiana  Delegation 
voted  for  a  candidate  of  their  own,  and  thus  succeeded 
in  getting  their  names  in  the  Congressional  proceedings. 
The  future  historian,  the  unborn  Herodotus,  will  be 
struck  with  the  appearance  of  those  euphonious  names, 
and  he  will  also  be  struck  by  the  fact  that  they  never 
appear  afterward. 


BROOKS    SUSTAINS   THE    LOUISIANIANS.  207 

After  the  election  of  a  speaker,  the  members  went 
up  to  be  sworn ;  and  now  there  was  a  row  with  the 
Louisiana  Delegation.  Stevens  objected  to  the  Louisi 
ana  Delegation,  and  Brooks  came  forward,  prompt 
as  ever,  to  vindicate  the  cause  of  innocence  and  justice. 
He  said  that  he  hoped  the  House  would  go  on  in  the  ordi 
nary  way,  and  swear  in  every  man,  woman,  and  child 
that  applied  for  admission.  It  was  hard  work  to  stand, 
and  he  thought  the  gentlemen  from  Louisiana  should 
have  seats.  If,  after  admitting  them  and  paying  their 
mileage,  it  should  be  found  desirable  to  get  rid  of  them, 
they  could  be  kicked  out  or  put  out  in  any  manner  the 
House  should  determine.  He  knew  nothing  of  the 
rights  of  the  members  from  Louisiana,  and  he  didn't 
care  a  damn,  so  long  as  they  were  good  Confederates 
and  would  vote  on  his  side.  The  country  was  rich  and 
could  afford  to  pay.  These  gentlemen  had  come  a  long 
distance  for  seats,  and  it  would  not  be  in  accordance 
with  the  rules  of  chivalry  or  hospitality  to  keep  them 
standing,  except  on  one  of  the  standing  committees. 
Memminger  could  easily  print  off  a  few  more  treasury 
notes.  [Applause  by  the  Louisiana  Delegation.] 

STEVENS. — These  credentials  are  no  credentials  at  all. 
Who  has  ever  heard  of  this  pretended  Gov.  Macpherson  ? 
[Yoice — "  Read  THE  ERA."]  By  what  right  does  he 
claim  that  title  ?  There  has  been  no  election  in  Louisi 
ana,  and  how  was  it  possible  for  anybody  to  get  elected  ? 

Brooks  moved  that  Macpherson's  Twenty-second  Let 
ter,  containing  an  account  of  the  State  election  be  read 
for  the  information  of  the  ignoramus  who  had  just  taken 
his  seat.  He  would  there  find  an  official  account  of  the 
election  and  its  results.  But  it  made  no  difference 


208  THE  MACPHEESON   LETTEES. 

whether  there  had  been  an  election  or  not.  lie  put  it 
upon  the  ground  of  courtesy.  These  gentlemen  had 
taken  a  great  deal  of  trouble,  and  he  believed  if  they 
were  refused  admittance  others  would  be  deterred  from 
asking  for  seats  in  the  House. 

Stevens  moved  to  refer  the  members  from  Louisiana 
to  the  committee  on  credentials. 

Allen  moved  to  lay  the  Delegation  on  the  table. 
Lost.  Stevens's  motion  was  then  carried ;  the  banner  of 
freedom  and  truth  trailed  in  the  dust ;  the  free-born 
citizens  of  Louisiana  were  virtually  expelled  from  the 
House.  From  this  moment,  in  my  opinion,  dates  the 
visible  decline  of  public  virtue  in  the  Confederacy. 
What  encouragement  is  there,  henceforth,  for  patriots 
ambitious  to  go  to  Congress  ?  None !  "What  way  is 
there  left  open  by  which  a  pennyless  Governor  like  me 
can  pay  his  hotel  bills,  if  his  friends  get  nothing  to 
divide  with  him  ?  None ! 

The  knees  of  the  Cussed  Fool  knocked  together,  and 
it  was  in  vain  that  I  strove  to  administer  consolation 
and  hope  to  his  wounded  and  bleeding  soul.  I  asked 
him  to  show  that  the  spirit  of  a  man  had  some  place  in 
him  yet,  and  to  resign  himself  to  his  fate. 

"  Resign  !"  said  he,  brightening  up  ;  "  that  is  a  good 
idea.  I  will  resign  myself,"  and  immediately  he  wrote 
his  resignation  as  member  of  Congress,  which  I  accepted 
on  the  spot,  and  notified  the  Speaker  of  the  fact  in 
writing.  But  that  leather-headed  ignoramus  said  the 
Cussed  Fool  was  no  member  at  all,  and  he  didn't  see 
how  he  could  resign  a  seat  which  he  never  possessed. 
Therefore,  he  would  not  troiible  the  House  with  the 
matter. 


PROPOSALS   FOE  MATEIMONY. 

The  question  then  arose  how  we  were  to  get  away 
from  the  city  without  paying  our  bills.  "We  finally  hit 
upon  the  expedient  of  having  every  thing  charged  to 
the  Solitary  Horseman,  who  still  remains  in  Richmond 
waiting  at  the  door  of  the  House  patiently,  day  by  day, 
for  the  Committee  on  Credentials  to  let  him  in.  He 
hopes  by  his  patient,  conduct  and  meek  looks,  to  arouse 
the  pity  of  the  House ;  and  praying  that  he  may  suc 
ceed,  I  remain, 

Yours,  officially, 

JAMES  B.  MACPHEESON. 

P.  S. — Jan.  1st,  1864. — This  being  leap  year,  sealed 
proposals  for  matrimony  will  be  received  until  the 
thirty-first  day  of  December  next. 

J.  B.  M. 


THE   END. 


PYCROFT'S 
COURSE  OF  ENGLISH  READING, 

ADAPTED  TO  EVERY  TASTE  AND  CAPACITY, 

BY  REV.  JOSEPH  PYCROFT,  B.  A., 

TRINITY  COLLEGE,  OXFORD. 


.A.    NEW    EDITION", 

1  Vol.,  12mo,     ......    $1.00. 

UNDINE  AOT)  SINTRAM. 

Translated  from  the  German  of  Fouque.    A  new  edition. 
1  vol.,  12mo,  $1.00. 


FESTUS; 

A  POEM, 

BY  PHILIP  JAMES  BAILEY, 


BARRISTER  AT  LAW. 


1  volume,  Blue-and-gold,  $1,  00.  12mo,  $1  25. 

"It  is  an  extraordinary  production." — London  Literary 
Gazette. 


WORKS  OF  WILLIAM  WARE. 


Z  E  N  0  B I A ;  or  the  Pall  of  Palmyra.  In  letters  of  L. 
Manlius  Piso,  from  Palmyra,  to  his  friend  Marcus 
Curtius,  at  Home.  1  vol.,  12mo,  ....  $1.50 

AURELIAN;  or  Rome  in  the  Third  Century.  In 
Letters  of  Lucius  M.  Piso,  from  Eome  to  Fausta, 
the  daughter  of  Gracchus,  at  Palmyra*  1  volume, 
12mo, $1.50 

JULIAN;  or  Scenes  in  Judea.     1  vol.,  12mo,  -    $1.50 
JAMES  MILLER,  Publisher, 

522  Broadway. 


Published  ~by  James  Miller,  New  York. 
THE     STORY 

OF  THE 

RED    BOOK    OF    A  P  P  I  N 

®  JFatrg  STale  of  tfje  jUiifcle  ages. 

WITH 

AN  INTERPKETATION. 

By  the  Author  of  "  Alchemy  and  the  Alchemists," 

Hermetic  Philosopher,"  and  "  Christ  the  Spirit." 

Price    $1.00. 


THE    ICE     MAIDEN, 

And  other  Tales. 

By  HANS   CHRISTIAN   ANDEBSEN. 

Translated  ky  FANNY  FULLER. Price  75  centa. 


ON   THE 

CHARACTER  AND  INFLUENCE 

OF 

WASHINGTON. 

By  M.  GTTIZOT. 
75  cents. 


FRIENDS  IN  COUNCIL. 

A  8EPJES  OF  EEADINGS,  AND  DISCOUESES  THEEEON. 
4  vols.  12mo. 


Published  l)y  James  Miller,  522  Broadway. 

ELIZABETH  BARRETT  BROWNING'S 
POEMS: 

newly  stereotyped  edition,  containing  all  the  Poems  of  this  highly 
giftod  Poetess ;  with  a  Memoir  by  THEODORE  TILTON, 
and  a  Portrait  on  Steel. 

JPour  Volumes.     Four  Dollars. 


In  a  separate  form, 
AURORA    LEI  OH. 

One  Dollar. 

LAST  POEMS. 

WITH  A  MEMORIAL  BY  THEODORE  TILTON,  AND  A 
PORTRAIT  ON  STEEL. 

One  Dollar. 


JUST    PUBLISHED, 

ESSAYS 

ON  THE 

GREEK    CHRISTIAN   POETS 

AND  THK 

ENGLISH   POETS, 

FROM  CHAUCER  TO  WORDSWORTH. 

One  Dollar. 


%*  The  above  can  "be  Tiad  &ither  in  "blue  and  gold, 
or  brown  cloth. 


JAMES  MILLER, 

§00toIIcr,  f  ttblisjjtr,  anJr 

522  BROADWAY,  NEW  YORK, 

OPP08ITH   THE   ST.    NICHOLAS    HOTEL, 

Has  for  sale  a  very  complete  and  extensive  stock  of 

ENGLISH  AND  AMERICAN  BOOKS, 

TN   THE   VARIOUS   DEPARTMENTS   OF   LITERATURE; 

INCLUDING 
STAND AED  EDITIONS  OF  THE  BEST  AUTHOES  IN 

HISTORY,    BIOGRAPHY,   BELLES-LETTRES,   ETC. 

FINELY  BOUND   IN  MOROCCO,    CALF,    ETC.,    FOR 

DRAWING-ROOM   LIBRARIES; 

LIKEWISE  ORNAMENTED  AND  RICHLY  EMBELLISHED  BOOKS 
OF  PLATES   FOR  THE   CENTRE-TABLE. 

***  Particular  attention  given  to  orders  from  Public  and 
Private  Libraries. 


ENGLISH  AND  AMERICAN  PERIODICALS 

supplied  and  served  carefully  and  faithfully  to  Subscribers 
throughout  the  city,  or  sent  by  mail  to  the  country.  Orders 
from  any  part  of  the  world,  with  a  remittance  or  reference 
for  payment  in  New  York,  will  be  promptly  attended  to. 


IMPORTATION  OF  ALL  BOOKS  &  PERIODICALS 

for  which  he  may  receive  orders,  a  small  commission  only 
being  charged  for  the  business.  The  same  attention  given 
to  an  order  for  a  single  copy  as  for  a  quantity. 


BOOK  BINDING  IN  ALL  ITS  BRANCHES. 


PALEY'S 

EVIDENCES  OF  CHRISTIANITY, 

With   Annotations 

BY  RICHARD  WHATELY,  D.  D., 

ARCHBISHOP    OF    DUBLIN. 

One  Volume,  Octavo,  Cloth,  $1.75. 

The  Publifher  feels  great  pleafure  in  calling  the 
attention  of  the  religious  and  thinking  portion  of 
the  community  to  his  very  handfome  edition  of  this 
work  of  the  celebrated  PALEY,  a  man  remarkable  for 
vigor  and  clearnefs  of  intellect,  and  originality  of  char 
acter,  and  acknowledged  by  all  to  be  the  greatest 
among  the  divines  of  his  age,  and  without  a  fuperior 
iince  the  days  of  the  early  fathers  of  the  Protestant 
Church.  To  add  to  the  value  of  that  which  is  in- 
trinfi cally  valuable  in  itfelf,  the  volume  now  presented 
to  the  American  Public  is  enriched  with  "  Annota 
tions  "  by  the  celebrated  Dr.  Whately,  Archbifhop 
of  Dublin,  than  whom  there  is  no  clearer  thinker  or 
more  powerful  writer  in  the  Proteftant  Hierarchy  of 
our  day. 

j4lsot  uniform  with  the  abo*vet 

BACON'S    ESSAYS, 

With    Annotations 
BY  RICHARD  WHATELY,  D.  D. 

One  volume,  Octavo,  Cloth, $2.50. 

JAMFS  MILLER,  Publifher, 

52,2  Broadway,  New  Tori. 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 
BERKELEY 

Return  to  desk  from  which  borrowed. 
This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 


APR  2  3 '65 -11  Al 

INTER-LIBRA! 
LOAN 


18  197< 

LD  21-l"o6"m-9,'48(B399sl6)476 


YB  20230 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


